Author AllieKat Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Yas thank you so much gor your kind words, and I understand why you tried for so long your no fool. I admire you for that. I hope that I won't have to wait that long but I too want to try everything. The man I married patiently waited on me for two years while I was deciding whether I'd let him come see me. I think the least I can do as a loving wife is wait while he sorts through his pain and hopefully gets passed it. I think therapy is helping me too. We are working on me and that in itself is a challenge. My therapist keeps reminding me that before I can be loved the right way I've got to love myself. Thats super hard for me. Ive been in a pattern if insecurity for years thats hard to break, but my therapist wants me to understand how holding on to that insecurity effects my life and relationships... Hard to grasp but true 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 dont shoot me tojaz here but we dont share a bed! We did for a few weeks but that stopped. He said the new bed doesnt feel good on his back! Ive asked him this several times thinking maybe it was an excuse cause he didnt want to be near me. He insists that its cause of this back. Is this something I should be worried about? No Allie, it's not something to worry about, its a small part of the equation. I'm up to date, when I mentioned sharing a bed, it was for Jakeys benefit, me referencing the story as a whole. Had it been as cut and dry as he saw it, that would have never happened, just as this thread would have died months ago. My facts are: We are still married He hasnt been to a lawyer No Divorce word has been uttered in months Hes particpating more Hes home ALL the time ( he goes to work and back and thats about it) There is no proof or signs of infidelity There's big picture Allie, as stories on LS go, those are facts that lots of people here would like to claim ownership of. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Alliekat please becareful. I'm sorry I was harsh, I'll do better from here on out. As a man I can tell you a few things. As suggested I went and spent a good amount of time reading all your posts and wowza girl you've had a rough bit. So as a Man heres my take: -men don't stick around and provide for a child that is not biologically theirs when they are dissolving a relationship *this speaks of his character Yas spoke of. So he's a decent guy on that alone -men most likely Do not do things for spouse when wanting to dissolve a marriage * I have heard of men acting guilty by doing things like buying their wives gifts and such but he doesn't seem like he's done that. I suppose those are my main points that speak volume. If you said he has no job or is being supported by you I think I'd think that was suspect, or if you had evidence of cheating. I saw you pondered his online activity on facebook or whatever. Why its is possible to actually cheat he'd be not home or spending money and I believe there would be cell phone activity. In this day and age most people can't just leave their affairs to email contact. That is my opinion Good observations Jakey and why we are all here trying to help. Nice to have another opinion here too. Marriage is hard work....and Allie's prepared to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) Well, there are a lot of reasons people get divorced, the two you named probably being the top two reasons...other reasons may not seem as valid, but are based on one person's personal value system. For some, lying is a one of those things that are high on the personal value system in believing in another person, that might be your spouse. Respecting a partner's values are a part of creating a successful marriage. I guess to give an example, I've always told my children that I would love them unconditionally as they are my kids. I may not love what they do, but my love is unconditional. What they could do to disrupt that love for them is to lie to me. It's my golden rule for my children and they've crossed it a time or two as they are, just that, children. It doesn't mean I don't still love them, but I am more cautious as a form of self-protection...and that does lead to arguments because they want to fight for that placeholder of love instead of prove they are trustworthy for it. Edited December 12, 2012 by trippi1432 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 I have a lot of interest in her thread because it's very similar to mine, only my marriage ended in divorce because I lied to my wife about finances. In our situation it was pretty much over in 3 mths, there was no still living together or getting christmas trees, or eating together. It was all fighting then she moved out and filed. So I curious here about this situation. I used to believe abuse and/or cheating was the only reason people divorced. Wrong!! I will say this your husband is a mystery and he sounds rather complex. One of the most dangerous things you an do is to get caught up in all of the trends and statistics that get thrown around, especially on this board. Relationships break for any number of reasons from the sickeningly common to the flat out unexplainable. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Every story is different too. What is relevant to Allie's thread may not be the same as what happened in your marriage JakeyBoy. Sometimes more perspective comes from starting your own thread as well with the details of your own situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Just venting cause Im getting nutty today again. Last night I noticed hubby on his cell a ton not texting or anything but it made me nervous. When we watered the tree he laid the phone down on the couch face up but i couldnt see what the heck he was looking at. It didnt look like email or fb but the thoughts make me nutty and then im thinking that i want to freak out and be luke wtf are u looking at. But..... I havent said a peep. Cause i got nothing but im tryi g to convince myself if it was something bad he wouldnt be letting it sit out like that for me to see right?? I see his data usage is really high too but again no texts. I know hes constantly doing espn fantasy football cause he tells me all about it while hes doing it but am i crazy or just crazy? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 12, 2012 Share Posted December 12, 2012 Just venting cause Im getting nutty today again. Last night I noticed hubby on his cell a ton not texting or anything but it made me nervous. When we watered the tree he laid the phone down on the couch face up but i couldnt see what the heck he was looking at. It didnt look like email or fb but the thoughts make me nutty and then im thinking that i want to freak out and be luke wtf are u looking at. But..... I havent said a peep. Cause i got nothing but im tryi g to convince myself if it was something bad he wouldnt be letting it sit out like that for me to see right?? I see his data usage is really high too but again no texts. I know hes constantly doing espn fantasy football cause he tells me all about it while hes doing it but am i crazy or just crazy? Lol Honey -- you don't have any evidence of what the data use consists of. Therefore - relax. AND PLEASE -- stop calling yourself "nutty." You are experiencing anxiety - that's your body talking to you. You made a committment to see this thru -- and just go with it. Forget about the data usage. (You use data too -- and you post as well on your cell -- he could be imaging the same thing about your text usage - and you-re not doing anything to be ashamed of). Go back to your "character assessment" of hubby. That is what I am counting on. And if things don't turn out -- then you will know you did everything you possibly could. This is the route you have decided to take -- so -- RELAX, and let it play out. When this anxiety starts - you got to get it out of your mind, and stop overthinking. He (and others) may feel or sense your anxiety - which can cause others to be apprehensive - and at worse, you appearance may have a tinge of desparation visable, and you don't want that. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 Thx Yas- anxiety i think i need to get treated for this because i keep coming back to this same thing every few weeks. What a great accomplishment if i could win this time instead of the anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Man doesnt it figure when im in crisis my therapist is out till January. And i really didnt want to see another while shes away its just to hard to explain the story and etc needless to say im furious with hubby. He normally gets off at 4:30 till he cleans up and gets home its sometimes 5:15 ish and traffic can be bad. Well in my current state of mind today i can only assume hes working overtime. He had been texting me to let me know well for whatever odd reason today he doesnt and i think thats crappy of him. Needless to say he shows his face at 7:55 wth am i to think when things are the way they are? Does he want to piss me off? Just seems rude to me. So im not talking to him, not sure if thats the right thing or not but i dont have anything nice to say and im not going to be all sweet and loving and reward his bad behavior. I did go drive by his work and his car was there. With all this anxiety and nervousness i had to so i knew if he was there! I just dont get why he would do this we didnt have a fight or anything he was quiet yesterday but i havent done anything to upset him or rock the boat! Wth could his problem be last week hes making me dinner and last week hes texting me when hes working OT! Im so confused!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 I even went and got him a yummy dinner and something special to take for lunch tomorrow now i want to throw it in the trash Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Thx jake i wish i felt that way but im in a down phase with no hope now Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 I even went and got him a yummy dinner and something special to take for lunch tomorrow now i want to throw it in the trash Alkie, be cautious in your state of anxiety, don't lose it. Just stay quite, and let him come to you - if, indeed, he will. Don't let your feelings be hurt about the special treats you got for him, such is irrelevant. In your case, his stomach is not the way to his heart. See a General MD for your anxiety - as an alternative. You may need something to settle you down when this anxiety flairs, like a small baby dose of a Benzodiazapine or something. Surely your regular doctor will know how to handle. Yas Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 He hasnt said a word to me and we are sitting on couch together. This is just crazy! I wish hed sh** or get off the pot instead of this up and down bologna hes driving me crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Im here not ok though. I have bit my tongue and not said or picked a fight but i dont feel any better. I took a zoloft and i think am going to go back on those to see if it helps but i just feel like crap and like im being played. I read his character stuff i posted at yas's request but it just made me feel mad cause i dont believe it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Im here not ok though. I have bit my tongue and not said or picked a fight but i dont feel any better. I took a zoloft and i think am going to go back on those to see if it helps but i just feel like crap and like im being played. I read his character stuff i posted at yas's request but it just made me feel mad cause i dont believe it right now. You will be ok sweetie. Just let it go. Maybe go for a fast walk around the block, and then to bed. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 13, 2012 Share Posted December 13, 2012 Im here not ok though. I have bit my tongue and not said or picked a fight but i dont feel any better. I took a zoloft and i think am going to go back on those to see if it helps but i just feel like crap and like im being played. I read his character stuff i posted at yas's request but it just made me feel mad cause i dont believe it right now. Allie, calm down for a second and take a look at what your getting all worked up at. Remove the context Allie, remove the fact you went out of your way to get him something special, remove the anxiety your feeling about his data usage and the fact that he has been using his phone more often, remove the fact that you both are in the middle of your current situation. What are you angry at him for? Had the situation been the same, but say 8 months ago, would you be so furious? Or are you letting that anxiety fill in the blanks of where he was and what he was up to? Don't let your emotions get you worked up at one isolated incident, calm, rational. Take some time to think it through, make sure you should be angry before you waste your energy being angry. TOJAZ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 8mths ago he would of left me know he was working late and I never would if gone to check on him. But with his dealings with me being so different and him not showing me love I dont know what to think. Back then i knew he loved me, he told me and showed me so i didnt doubt it. The data usage well i would of just asked him before or just picked up his phone and looked. He didnt use his phone like then he does know so i dunno. Last night before going to bed i nicely told him i left dinner in fridge and he was barely awake but no thank you or anything. This am before he left i was about to tell him to get lost but instead just asked if he was working overtime tonight he said he didnt know yet but maybe... I said if you dont mind text me if you are so i know what to do about dinner. It was all i could think of at the time in place of freaking out Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 13, 2012 Author Share Posted December 13, 2012 Just wanted to post right now in this particular hour I'm doing better. Hubby texted to let me know he was just getting off work (overtime) and that traffic was bad. I asked him if hed mind picking up some dinner and he called me to see what I wanted. So I feel less anxious and am glad I didnt blow my cool earlier. Ofcourse a tiny bit of weird anxiousness came out wondering why it took him 8 mins to call after my text, and the fact im even thinking that is not good and i know that. So im making a dr appt to go see my family dr. Ive never in my life been anxious and its really making my life hard. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Allie, it sounds like your allowing your mind to slip into dark places. I notice you didn't answer my question when I asked you what it was that you were angry about, and that when I asked how you would have responded 8 months ago, you dodged it as well. What I'm getting at Allie is that I think your letting the situation hang a big dark cloud over things that really don't deserve it. Things that on under normal circumstances would not even make it on your radar, but because you are now hypersensitive to these things, your imagination runs to the negative side of the scale. I think you know part of that.... Ofcourse a tiny bit of weird anxiousness came out wondering why it took him 8 mins to call after my text, and the fact im even thinking that is not good and i know that. ... Relax Allie, catch your breath, and when you start having doubts like these, ask yourself the same questions I asked you in my last post, if you can't answer them in a way that supports what your feeling, then allow yourself to put it to rest. One of the underlying themes on your threads has always been trust. Although hubby has responded to a lot of things poorly and made a lot of mistakes, you have never once mentioned him doing anything mistrustful, even at his worst and most angry. You already have so much to try and keep straight, you don't need to look for more. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 Tojaz- i didnt feel like i dodged you question at all. I thought i answered it above. 8 mths ago he wouldnt of acted this way and suffice neither would i. I was mad (and still he should of) because i feel like he should of let me know he was running late. And i was stressed cause the data usage Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 He hasnt "done anything i know of" but with the changes in him those changes in many ways are red flags for. So with him being so angry and acting so different and secretive i wasnt ruling anything out. Im not trying to find anything but hes done a complete 180 and i dont know him anymore so i have no idea what hell do. Now i dont think he would but honestly i didnt think hed act this way either so at this point nothing would surprise me Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Allie - there is a HUGE difference in knowing a red flag and making something into a red flag. A real red flag digs its own hole, you don't go looking for it, it finds you eventually in retrospect. Let's have a reality moment, and yes, I'm going to bring this up because Allie is only thinking about Allie at the moment. Instead of looking for his red flags and making yourself "nutty", do you think that perhaps you have thrown a few red flags of your own? He has free will to think about those red flags too and while you are driving by his work to see if he is lying...he's reliving stuff in his head too wondering what you might be lying about next. If he is having a bad day..fine...let him have it. It's not yours, listen to him and move on. Do what you have always done, go about being just who you are. In the end, if he is messing around that is his to own, stop looking for it. Most of the time, that sort of thing comes to fruition after it is over, that is what helps you move on. You are looking for it now and that is not going to help you, that's the difference between intuition and anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted December 14, 2012 Author Share Posted December 14, 2012 I mostly agree Trippi but I still think that there are red flags that are tell talesigns of cheating that should not be ignored. I think in my situation its been easy to assume that in some of the things BUT I have gone looking for stuff w/o reason. I think I feel like if i find it out i can stop it or spare myself humilation or etc. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 14, 2012 Share Posted December 14, 2012 Tojaz- i didnt feel like i dodged you question at all. I thought i answered it above. 8 mths ago he wouldnt of acted this way and suffice neither would i. I was mad (and still he should of) because i feel like he should of let me know he was running late. And i was stressed cause the data usage Sorry Allie, maybe I just wasn't clear. The question was about you, has nothing to do with what he would or wouldn't have done 8 months ago. You see Allie, I know whats nagging at you, and it happens on every thread here. Someone steps out of line then they must be cheating, things get bad, they must be cheating. etc. So, 8 months ago if for some reason you would have looked at data usage, is this the conclusion you would have come to? 8 months ago would his taking 8 minutes to respond to a text been a reason for concern? Would you have even counted the minutes? Had he not called when he was late, would you automatically assume the worst? I'm betting the above actions are not characteristic of you, just as his actions are not characteristic of him. This is not a stable time, but you have snooped, checked his phone records, driven past his work and every time he has been true to his word. Let that reassure your mind a little. TOJAZ P.S. By the way, my data usage has gone up as well. Its slow in the auto industry right now so guess what I do while I'm waiting for work... poke around on my phone, where a charge would usually last me all day, I know find myself needing to plug it in around lunch time. Link to post Share on other sites
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