1 month in the path to reconciliation

[trippi1432]

All I am saying Allie is that you will drive yourself nuts in looking for it. In that state, you damage your relationship with your spouse by your own actions and behavior because you are not your confident self, but more in a state of anxiety. If he were having an EA or an affair, you help to confirm to him that his behavior is justified. In the end, you don't get confirmation that anything was going on until you get the evidence you are seeking which sometimes plays right into the affair partners hands (if there is one) and you help to deliver it.

 

I understand that you feel you can stop it or spare yourself the humiliation but A: If it even is what he is doing, it's still going to be humiliating and B: It's not that you can stop it as you cannot control what another person chooses to do, you can only control yourself and your actions.

 

Instead of looking for skeletons in the closet (which is you withdrawing from him and pushing him away in your mind) what could you be doing that is more positive energy to be pulling him to you? Push/Pull Allie.

[AllieKat]

Sorry Allie, maybe I just wasn't clear. The question was about you, has nothing to do with what he would or wouldn't have done 8 months ago.

 

You see Allie, I know whats nagging at you, and it happens on every thread here. Someone steps out of line then they must be cheating, things get bad, they must be cheating. etc.

 

So, 8 months ago if for some reason you would have looked at data usage, is this the conclusion you would have come to?no i only ever looked at it for my daughters phone

 

8 months ago would his taking 8 minutes to respond to a text been a reason for concern? Would you have even counted the minutes?

no and no

 

Had he not called when he was late, would you automatically assume the worst? On this yes because im a worry wart. This came to be when my grandmother whom was like a mother to me and my father who i was extremely close to died a few weeks apart unexpedently. Hubby came home late and i was so worked up becausei was afraid something happened to him and he didnt answer phone. So i freaked on him when he got home and he from that point on let meknow when or if he was running overly late.

 

I'm betting the above actions are not characteristic of you, just as his actions are not characteristic of him. This is not a stable time, but you have snooped, checked his phone records, driven past his work and every time he has been true to his word. Let that reassure your mind a little.

 

TOJAZ

 

P.S. By the way, my data usage has gone up as well. Its slow in the auto industry right now so guess what I do while I'm waiting for work... poke around on my phone, where a charge would usually last me all day, I know find myself needing to plug it in around lunch time.

 

It is a hard time and im all over the place

[AllieKat]

All I am saying Allie is that you will drive yourself nuts in looking for it. In that state, you damage your relationship with your spouse by your own actions and behavior because you are not your confident self, but more in a state of anxiety. If he were having an EA or an affair, you help to confirm to him that his behavior is justified. In the end, you don't get confirmation that anything was going on until you get the evidence you are seeking which sometimes plays right into the affair partners hands (if there is one) and you help to deliver it.

 

I understand that you feel you can stop it or spare yourself the humiliation but A: If it even is what he is doing, it's still going to be humiliating and B: It's not that you can stop it as you cannot control what another person chooses to do, you can only control yourself and your actions.

 

Instead of looking for skeletons in the closet (which is you withdrawing from him and pushing him away in your mind) what could you be doing that is more positive energy to be pulling him to you? im trying to be more loving but its hard for me i feel like he doesnt want that he doesnt seem open to anything other than what we are right now Push/Pull Allie.

 

Believe me if i felt like i could get this out of my head i would make it go away. Im carrying the past cheaters i dated into my present time because im seeing the same things occur and i guess this time i dont to be blindsided...i dunno

[trippi1432]

Believe me if i felt like i could get this out of my head i would make it go away. Im carrying the past cheaters i dated into my present time because im seeing the same things occur and i guess this time i dont to be blindsided...i dunno

 

So....how has that been working for you hun? Been a couple of days now.

[AllieKat]

Ive managed to keep my mouth shut thus far!! I had a good day with hubby yesterday but today im a little disappointed in him. Dd hurt her foot last night and i thought since it was most likely just a bruised foot wed see how it felt in am before going to er. Well this am she couldnt walk or put pressure on it so i told hubby im taking to er. Thought hed come but he didnt and i didnt ask him to either. Shes ok but im not sure if i should be mad at him or not! I mean on one hand i feel he should of just come but on the other i feel like maybe he wasnt sure if i wanted him to!

 

I remeber before when we had the fight prior to this huge fight that he said he felt like i didnt need him cause i didnt include him so im turn is it worth being upset or does this prove he doesnt care like he should??

 

 

I gotta add last night he found a cute used dresser for dd to buy till we can afford the fancy nice one i want to get her. He actually was looking on his own and went and got it so I know he does care plus he was really sweet to her last night helping her with her injury. So im confused

[tojaz]

Ive managed to keep my mouth shut thus far!! I had a good day with hubby yesterday but today im a little disappointed in him. Dd hurt her foot last night and i thought since it was most likely just a bruised foot wed see how it felt in am before going to er. Well this am she couldnt walk or put pressure on it so i told hubby im taking to er. Thought hed come but he didnt and i didnt ask him to either. Shes ok but im not sure if i should be mad at him or not! I mean on one hand i feel he should of just come but on the other i feel like maybe he wasnt sure if i wanted him to!

 

I remeber before when we had the fight prior to this huge fight that he said he felt like i didnt need him cause i didnt include him so im turn is it worth being upset or does this prove he doesnt care like he should??

 

 

I gotta add last night he found a cute used dresser for dd to buy till we can afford the fancy nice one i want to get her. He actually was looking on his own and went and got it so I know he does care plus he was really sweet to her last night helping her with her injury. So im confused

 

Simple Allie, you can't really be mad at him for not living up to expectations that you didn't voice to him.

 

He's doing the dance too. He doesn't really know where he fits either, so he might not have been sure if he would be welcome or not, or maybe he was waiting for you to ask?

 

There is a time to zip the lip and there are times when communication is a must, this was one of those times. Don't be afraid to ask.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Simple Allie, you can't really be mad at him for not living up to expectations that you didn't voice to him.

 

He's doing the dance too. He doesn't really know where he fits either, so he might not have been sure if he would be welcome or not, or maybe he was waiting for you to ask?

 

There is a time to zip the lip and there are times when communication is a must, this was one of those times. Don't be afraid to ask.

 

TOJAZ

 

Agreed and therefor when we came home and he was at door waiting to help i just said thank you i wasnt mad at him. I figured id take some responsibility too because I didnt ask him. Hes been helping with her since she on crutches and it doesnt take a moron to know he cares so im not going to second guess that. I do feel less anxious not sure if the meds are helping just yet or what.

 

If I may I like to brag; my hubby has been working very hard lately taking overtime so x-mas is nice for DD. he never buys himself a thing and never complains about it or on what i buy or spend. Thats one thing I can say with our marriage we never fight about money.

[tojaz]

Agreed and therefor when we came home and he was at door waiting to help i just said thank you i wasnt mad at him. I figured id take some responsibility too because I didnt ask him. Hes been helping with her since she on crutches and it doesnt take a moron to know he cares so im not going to second guess that. I do feel less anxious not sure if the meds are helping just yet or what.

 

If I may I like to brag; my hubby has been working very hard lately taking overtime so x-mas is nice for DD. he never buys himself a thing and never complains about it or on what i buy or spend. Thats one thing I can say with our marriage we never fight about money.

 

I've always maintained that you have a good man Allie, even in these confusing times he's still a very stand up guy.

 

As for expectations, you know your going to have to take the lead there Allie, we already know he shys away from those sorts of things. If something happens and you want him by your side, then ask and let him make a decision based on all the information. He might not always decide in your favor, but I'm guessing he will more then you might expect.

 

Think of it as setting him up to succeed.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thanks tojaz! Its hard not to get my feelings hurt sometimes. Normally by this time we talk about if we are exchanging gifts( the last few years weve opted to get stuff for the house instead) then my birthday is coming up in january and i wonder if hell even say happy birthday. But one day at a time right?....

 

Trying to remember it will take time and him still being here no matter what i think on anxious days is him trying. He may not be doing just what i want him to do or what i think he should be doing but hes here and things are better than two months ago for sure.

[tojaz]

Thanks tojaz! Its hard not to get my feelings hurt sometimes. Normally by this time we talk about if we are exchanging gifts( the last few years weve opted to get stuff for the house instead) then my birthday is coming up in january and i wonder if hell even say happy birthday. But one day at a time right?....

 

Trying to remember it will take time and him still being here no matter what i think on anxious days is him trying. He may not be doing just what i want him to do or what i think he should be doing but hes here and things are better than two months ago for sure.

 

Hurt feeling are part of the package Allie, I get it.

 

If you want someone to o just what you want them to, I' suggest a German Shepard. You chose him because you like the decisions he made on his own...... but you already knew that.

 

This isn't about just doing the right things, its about learning... and relearning the right things and neither one of you know exactly what that is for the other so your just fumbling around in the dark hoping to stumble across what it is your looking for.

 

If you start a dialogue where you can (Calmly) communicate what you need and what you could do without, maybe he will relax and feel comfortable enough to do the same.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Tojaz i def dont want a german shephard. I just want hubby to act how he did, the man i feel in love with.

 

Sometimes i think im putting to much hope in his actions. For example tonight he had a meeting at 7pm but he got off work late so he didnt have much time at home before meeting started but dd needed help with math ( im lousy at math) and he stayed to help her till she was done which was past the meeting starting. I thought thats really kind and caring of him to put her first. But as i got thinking i thought ok yeah hes kind but that means nothing!!

 

I know its pointless to talk to him cause it just makes him upset and he feels like im pressuring him and ive seen things get better but that doesnt mean our marriage is going to be ok. I just thought by now hed be wanting to kiss or hug. Nobody knows but him but is it possible hes just keeping that emotional connection till hes sure? And should i be concerned that its taking so long for him to figure it out?

[trippi1432]

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! You hear that Allie? That's heads getting beat up against a wall right now because even when your husband is doing the right things...it always comes back around to what he isn't doing for YOU.

 

You are not putting too much hope in his actions...you are putting out 100% expectations and killing your marriage or any hope of even saving it every time he is just being the man you fell in love with. It was kind and caring of him..I don't think I can understand this thought process that he's kind and it means nothing.

 

Here is your push/pull Allie...he does something kind and you don't acknowledge it like a kind and caring wife would. You are so into this he needs to be into YOU thing when perhaps what he really needs to feel is a supportive squeeze on the shoulder and a thank you (that kind of love is real, it's respectful). I don't know if you have really taken the baby steps to re-establish emotional intimacy in your relationship or if you are waiting for him to sweep you off your feet to bedroom bliss?

 

That emotional connection isn't entirely on him and emotional connections are deeper than just a hug or a kiss.

[tojaz]

Yeah, Tojaz is gonna need more spackle!

 

Allie, I'm not sure how you think this works, but there isn't going to come a day when the clouds part and a beam of light shines down on the two of you blah blah blah..... and then all of a sudden everyone lives happily ever after.

 

Your burning so much stress worrying about what your not getting, your missing the opportunity to enjoy the things you are! You know... can't see the forest through all those damn trees!

 

You came here in Apr to stop what at the time seemed like an impending divorce... your still married. You wanted him to reengage with DD, hes done that, hes made small strides to reengage with you as well. Its going to take time Allie, it always takes time, sometimes years before things get close to how they were. Isn't it worth it?

 

Tojaz

[AllieKat]

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! You hear that Allie? That's heads getting beat up against a wall right now because even when your husband is doing the right things...it always comes back around to what he isn't doing for YOU.

 

You are not putting too much hope in his actions...you are putting out 100% expectations and killing your marriage or any hope of even saving it every time he is just being the man you fell in love with. It was kind and caring of him..I don't think I can understand this thought process that he's kind and it means nothing.i just meant that hes kind but it doesnt mean hes doing it to reconnect, he may just be doing it to be nice and it doesnt mean anything deeper

 

Here is your push/pull Allie...he does something kind and you don't acknowledge it like a kind and caring wife would. You are so into this he needs to be into YOU thing when perhaps what he really needs to feel is a supportive squeeze on the shoulder and a thank you (that kind of love is real, it's respectful). I don't know if you have really taken the baby steps to re-establish emotional intimacy in your relationship or if you are waiting for him to sweep you off your feet to bedroom bliss? i feel like its gotta be him to make the moves toward emotionally connecting again, because i was being to pushy and i need to let him go at a pace hes comfortable with.

 

That emotional connection isn't entirely on him and emotional connections are deeper than just a hug or a kiss.

its not but he was such a huggy kissy guy and very loving so the lack of it is worrisome

 

I guess im thinking because i know him so well and when he loves me hes loving me so it taking him so long scares me. I guess im frustrating everyone but when your used to be so loving and touchy its a big loss and i feel like that is part of the emotional connection. Its the touch, the loving look, the intimacy, the hug etc.

[AllieKat]

Yeah, Tojaz is gonna need more spackle!

 

Allie, I'm not sure how you think this works, but there isn't going to come a day when the clouds part and a beam of light shines down on the two of you blah blah blah..... and then all of a sudden everyone lives happily ever after.

 

Your burning so much stress worrying about what your not getting, your missing the opportunity to enjoy the things you are! You know... can't see the forest through all those damn trees!

 

You came here in Apr to stop what at the time seemed like an impending divorce... your still married. You wanted him to reengage with DD, hes done that, hes made small strides to reengage with you as well. Its going to take time Allie, it always takes time, sometimes years before things get close to how they were. Isn't it worth it?

 

Tojaz

Its worth it but years??? If i thought me doing anything other than being caring and kind and say thank you and being appreciative toward him i would do it. Im just so afraid if i make a move im going to push him away. Thats why its hard for me i feel like hes not open to me as a wife and hubby should be.

[AllieKat]

Im trying jakey! Its hard cause i miss hubby so much. I miss cuddling on couch, him asking me about my day, having one of his hugs. Im aware of what i need to do i guess but its just hard when i feel like he doesnt love me like he did.

[tojaz]

 

Your burning so much stress worrying about what your not getting, your missing the opportunity to enjoy the things you are! You know... can't see the forest through all those damn trees!

 

Just going to quote myself here Allie because this is the line I felt you needed the most in my last post. Take a moment from looking for that next step up and take the time to enjoy the view looking down at where you were.

 

Not moving forward doesn't automatically mean your moving backward!

 

You've been in the fight of your life for some time Allie, and you've climbed up from rock bottom to a fairly stable home, a hubby who is not only acknowledging dd again but embracing her! I haven't heard tell of him mentioning the D word in some time. This is a good spot to give yourself a well deserved break. Catch your breath, regroup, and just put it on the shelf for awhile and enjoy the holiday.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

its not but he was such a huggy kissy guy and very loving so the lack of it is worrisome

 

I guess im thinking because i know him so well and when he loves me hes loving me so it taking him so long scares me. I guess im frustrating everyone but when your used to be so loving and touchy its a big loss and i feel like that is part of the emotional connection. Its the touch, the loving look, the intimacy, the hug etc.

 

Perhaps it's time to count the blessings of what you do still have rather than scorn what you don't hun. Yeah, those things matter and are noticeable..and when they stop, yes, it hurts. The fact is..you are hurt too, so what are you noticing? Who is really stopping the connection? Sometimes you have to meet halfway instead of letting it all reside on the other person.

[AllieKat]

Just going to quote myself here Allie because this is the line I felt you needed the most in my last post. Take a moment from looking for that next step up and take the time to enjoy the view looking down at where you were.

 

Not moving forward doesn't automatically mean your moving backward!

 

You've been in the fight of your life for some time Allie, and you've climbed up from rock bottom to a fairly stable home, a hubby who is not only acknowledging dd again but embracing her! I haven't heard tell of him mentioning the D word in some time. This is a good spot to give yourself a well deserved break. Catch your breath, regroup, and just put it on the shelf for awhile and enjoy the holiday.

 

TOJAZ

 

Ive actually thought that since we arent moving forward we must be moving backward. I will keep this in mind.

[AllieKat]

Perhaps it's time to count the blessings of what you do still have rather than scorn what you don't hun. Yeah, those things matter and are noticeable..and when they stop, yes, it hurts. The fact is..you are hurt too, so what are you noticing? Who is really stopping the connection? Sometimes you have to meet halfway instead of letting it all reside on the other person.

 

I havent really done anything to restablish it because of fear! Im afraid if he rejects me i will be hurt and let it throw me off course. In oct when he started to be huggy etc he days later turned around and said it felt forced because he was trying to make himself get over things to quick. Im just so afraid if i hug him or etc ill either have rejection or hell be upset and go back to pulling

[trippi1432]

I understand what you are saying Allie, and yes, rejection hurts. From what I can tell, both of you are scared to re-establish a level of intimacy in your marriage. And reading what your thoughts are on that here, I feel that it's building up in resentment for you.

 

Sometimes you have to check those feelings so they don't cloud your view of what he is doing to re-establish intimacy. Just like when he was doing something for DD, you felt it meant nothing, that's resentment building. To get to a level of intimacy again, you have to realize what is building up as resentment and let it go. Resentment can move you backwards instead of forward.

[AllieKat]

I definately dont mean to come across like Im not happy with the progress weve made or that Im resentful. I just miss him in every way with every part of me! Thats why im so wanting things back asap. Sometimes its hard to think of any of the positive thats occured.

[tojaz]

I definately dont mean to come across like Im not happy with the progress weve made or that Im resentful. I just miss him in every way with every part of me! Thats why im so wanting things back asap. Sometimes its hard to think of any of the positive thats occured.

 

Well Allie, from his side, if it's difficult for you to think of the positives, then there's a good chance you aren't acknowledging them very well either. So what would that look like through his eyes?

 

All the more reason to take a step back for awhile, take some time to enjoy and appreciate how far you've come rather then looking at how far you want to go. Takes the pressure off for both of you for awhile.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Ive been good! Ive left the over crazy worrying behind me. Ive just been letting hubby be with any expectations. We talk but not about "us" everything but us. Im not stressing anymore over our marriage this year.... I do need time off. I still wonder though just not stressing. I wonder when or if he'll ever let me in again. :-(!

 

Sometimes I feel like he doesnt want things to change between us as far as how we are now. Im ok waiting but honestly i cant wait forever for him to decide to act like a loving husband again

[tojaz]

Ive been good! Ive left the over crazy worrying behind me. Ive just been letting hubby be with any expectations. We talk but not about "us" everything but us. Im not stressing anymore over our marriage this year.... I do need time off. I still wonder though just not stressing. I wonder when or if he'll ever let me in again. :-(!

 

Sometimes I feel like he doesnt want things to change between us as far as how we are now. Im ok waiting but honestly i cant wait forever for him to decide to act like a loving husband again

 

That takes us back to the beginning Allie. Its a point where the advice given becomes a fine line to walk.

 

You have every right to have certain expectations and decide your tolerance for what kind of interaction hubby allows or doesn't allow right now. Flip side is that he has the right to decide what hes comfortable with giving.

 

To have any chance both of you are going to have to loosen your grip and be willing to sacrifice some comfort in exchange for that of the other. That becomes the fine line can you deal with him sleeping on the couch in exchange for him rebuilding a relationship with DD? Can you wait for those hugs and kisses in exchange for the improved communication you've been enjoying?

 

All the wants and needs are pretty free form right now and each of you are playing it by ear and that takes a toll on both of you, because not only are you looking out for your own interests, but your also trying hard to gauge the others as well. If you take the next couple weeks off and just enjoy the holidays for what they are, your in effect giving him some breathing room as well.

 

When the time is right you can sit down and discuss what the end game is with a clear head. If divorce is off the table, then you have the ability to clear the air and put together a plan to rebuilding things where you both have a say in the matter. If you find he is dead set on maintaining his "status quo" then you can react accordingly if necessary. I still believe that theres a happy ending to this one, but its going to take patience.

 

TOJAZ