1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

Tojaz thanks for believing there is still a happy ending... I sure hope so! Interesting thing here: i asked him last night if he wanted to get something to eat he had no idea if i was talking eat in or out but he immediately said he wasnt hungry that his stomach was bothering him. I said ok and did some stuff about 30 mins later i told him i was hungry and was going to order something to bring in, and asked if he wanted something anyway for later or whatever. He got wings!!!! And ate them all as soon as i brought them home.

 

Now maybe im dumb but i feel like he was saying his stomach hurt to avoid going out to dinner with me. This does irritate me!! I mean why if he doesnt care would he not want to go to dinner with his wife???? See why i get these things stuck in my head. Its just like the ring if he is married and has always been a guy who never took his ring off why would i be ok with him not wearing it now? Its like he doesnt want ppl to know hes married??

 

Feel free to give me honest opinions here i can handle it! These are just some things that bug me and make me doubt him!!!

[tojaz]

Tojaz thanks for believing there is still a happy ending... I sure hope so! Interesting thing here: i asked him last night if he wanted to get something to eat he had no idea if i was talking eat in or out but he immediately said he wasnt hungry that his stomach was bothering him. I said ok and did some stuff about 30 mins later i told him i was hungry and was going to order something to bring in, and asked if he wanted something anyway for later or whatever. He got wings!!!! And ate them all as soon as i brought them home.

 

Now maybe im dumb but i feel like he was saying his stomach hurt to avoid going out to dinner with me. This does irritate me!! I mean why if he doesnt care would he not want to go to dinner with his wife???? See why i get these things stuck in my head. Its just like the ring if he is married and has always been a guy who never took his ring off why would i be ok with him not wearing it now? Its like he doesnt want ppl to know hes married??

 

Feel free to give me honest opinions here i can handle it! These are just some things that bug me and make me doubt him!!!

 

Honest opinion....... This doesn't sound like taking a break.

 

The day small pieces of seasoned chicken serve as a commentary on a persons marriage will be the day I post my swan song on LS. Your reading 3 chapters ahead in a book that isn't written yet Allie.

 

Relax, if your looking for deep, profound meaning in every little thing, your going to find it. Regardless of if it is really there or not.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

True i guess it doesnt sound like im taking a break! I never thought Id be here in December but i guess its better than going through a divorce. Tojaz i wish my hubby had a friend like you around here. I think if he had an outlet of a good sincere male friend he may feel better and be happier. Not saying it would help us but i know it would help him!! Arent a lot of good guys out there!

[AllieKat]

Whom am I kidding I wont take a break till things are right! How sad is it that on xmas eve im on here posting??? Dd is on phone long distance talking to my family and as i sit here i decide to log and vent. Xmas eve we always go look at lights so i worked up my nerve and asked hubby to go and he said no, so i held strong and politely said ok and dd and I went. It killed me but as not to ruin her xmas traditions that she looks forward to i braved it and we had fun.

 

I know ill never figure him out but its so confusing. Last night he was so kind and friendly today hes cold and distant. Last night dd was up to some shady stuff trying to dress cats and the cat was growling and hubby instantly jumped in and corrected dd but today he barely spoke to her. Its like hes drifting in and out and i just dont get why. Is this how conflicted ppl behave??

 

In between cold behavior today he said "did you get dd that mirror for on her door?" I said "no" then he said "were you telling me about it because you wanted me to get it?" I said "no, If i wanted you to get it i would of asked I just wasnt real sure if she wanted it so i decided against getting it." It was nice convo even though it sounds like i was rude i wasnt. He just acts weird one minute hes all checked in getting tree and such the next hes quiet and cold like hes mad!

 

 

This xmas is hard!!! My heartsbreaking but I feel like i cant do anything to fix things. Trippi mentioned resentment i think hubby resents me. And my friend pointed this out yesterday that she thinks im starting to hold a grudge too. I dont know how to deal with him resenting me. I cant change him! But can i do something to help him not feel that way?

[trippi1432]

Actually Hun, I was referring more to you resenting him because he is not behaving like you want or expect. Read what you have written here and then ask yourself what would this look like from HIS perspective.

 

I really don't know what to make of your post above other than you are looking for something to call him on and I'm not sure what you mean that your daughter was up to shady stuff by dressing the cat??? How is he "drifting" because he got onto her yesterday but not today?? Every day is different. I'm sorry, but i don't get this thinking.

[AllieKat]

Trippi- i knew you meant me resenting him but i think the same is true for him. When i said dd was doing shady stuff i just meant she was up to no good...trapping cat i her room so she could dress the poor thing up, she was trying to be sneaky about it. Not a big deal but one day hubby is playing father role the next hes not its annoying. Again one day he plays husband then they next he acts like he doesnt know me. Its frustrating because as far playing father he has been better with dd he just isnt affectionate with her either but then yet he tries to discipline her yesterday. To me it just strange you cant hug the kid or say i love to her anymore but the first time she does anything wrong your quick to yell at her.

 

As for me im just baffled by his one day nice as pie talkative attitude then the next on xmas eve hes a grinch

[trippi1432]

I would have to say that I am just as baffled Allie. I mean if you have resentment and he could have resentment then where is there to go but for one of you to drop them and possibly make life more bearable?? Once one of you does that, then the other person really has nothing to resent anymore do they?

 

I guess since you bring it up and realize it now, I wonder which of you will be the wiser of the two?

Edited December 25, 2012 by trippi1432
Typo

[AllieKat]

I would have to say that I am just as baffled Allie. I mean if you have resentment and he could have resentment then where is there to go but for one of you to drop them and possibly make life more bearable?? Once one of you does that, then the other person really has nothing to resent anymore do they?

 

I guess since you bring it up and realize it now, I wonder which of you will be the wiser of the two?

 

I WILL do my best to let go of mine for the sake of bettering myself and our marriage. I dont have a lot to offer hubby in the lines of I cant take back what I did or heal him or trust all i can do is offer him my best and my love and hope that is enough to heal his wounds! I figure if i can just give him love, respect and hobesty regardless of whether its a talkative day or a quiet day im being the best wife i can. As long as he is respectful of me and DD i can do it.

[tojaz]

Whom am I kidding I wont take a break till things are right!

 

Allie, while avoiding a lengthy reply, I'm just going to say that it isn't just up to you to decide what defines "right", nor can any amount of effort on your part make them "right" without hubby playing along.

 

The sooner you understand that dynamic the better.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I understand that tojaz, that why i get so frustrated witg his lack of actions cause hes not working on this with me. When i say im not going to stop till things are right im not saying anything other than that. Im not going to stop trying.

[AllieKat]

Opinions on this: dh has not only withheld affection from me but he has witheld it from dd. he hasnt tucked her in ir gave her hugs or kisses in months. Just recently dd started hugging him on her own before she goes to bed at night. I had no idea and am concerned that he may reject her or stop it and then she gets hurt. Do i interfere or let it be? Hes been hugging her back but by no means according to her iniates the hugs.

 

I give her tons if credit because this small amount if affection shes giving him is more than ive been able to work the nerve up to do.

[trippi1432]

I find it more interesting that children are able to go after the level of security and intimacy they need to feel safe but adults spend way too much time over thinking everything. During the time it takes to think about every single movement like playing a game of chess where there has to be a domineering winner, the river of reconciliation gets so wide no bridge can ever span it.

 

Kudos to you daughter, perhaps she holds some good lessons both you and your husband should follow? Stop worrying about what he may do before you cause it to happen and she does get hurt. Maybe she is old enough that she doesn't need to be tucked in anymore, let her grow some too in this.

[tojaz]

I understand that tojaz, that why i get so frustrated witg his lack of actions cause hes not working on this with me. When i say im not going to stop till things are right im not saying anything other than that. Im not going to stop trying.

 

Allie, he doesn't act because he does not need to. Your doing all you can to jump through all the hoops for him.

 

Opinions on this: dh has not only withheld affection from me but he has witheld it from dd. he hasnt tucked her in ir gave her hugs or kisses in months. Just recently dd started hugging him on her own before she goes to bed at night. I had no idea and am concerned that he may reject her or stop it and then she gets hurt. Do i interfere or let it be? Hes been hugging her back but by no means according to her iniates the hugs.

 

I give her tons if credit because this small amount if affection shes giving him is more than ive been able to work the nerve up to do.

 

How would you interfere? Handcuff them together? Ask him about it although you already know full well what kind of answer you will get?

 

If dd has a fair handle on the situation, I would let it be, you've been in similar situations already, you know how they play out. Use his continuing cycle to your advantage.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Allie, he doesn't act because he does not need to. Your doing all you can to jump through all the hoops for him.

 

 

 

How would you interfere? Handcuff them together? Ask him about it although you already know full well what kind of answer you will get?

 

If dd has a fair handle on the situation, I would let it be, you've been in similar situations already, you know how they play out. Use his continuing cycle to your advantage.

 

TOJAZ

I don't get this.... It's more than counter intuitive, it's like a negative positive....

[tojaz]

I don't get this.... It's more than counter intuitive, it's like a negative positive....

 

Not sure I understand the question.

 

It is counter intuitive because Allie's instinct is to act. Hubbys instinct is to create more distance when face with those actions. She has seen the pattern and knows what she can expect so she can use that pattern to avoid widening the rift any further when he is in his pull back mode.

 

Not a negative/positive, but a chance to make a negative slightly less negative in its impact on the broader picture.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Perhaps they are both in their own patterns?? Nobody is jumping through any hoops. Each is waiting for the other to make the first move, sticks the neck out a little and expecting a lot of effort from the other side than what they are willing to give. Different when there is avoidance on both sides...then frustration. Patterns....

Edited December 29, 2012 by trippi1432
Apple contration typo

[AllieKat]

Friday was pure hell! I heard hubby up earlier than normal for work and went and asked him if he was going in early and he said he was. I for whatever reason felt inclined to tell him its time for him to decide what he wants because im sick of being treated like a roomate. Well he of course was mad and accused me of starting a fight.

 

Nothing else transpired till i got him that evening and went to talk to him. I explained that i feel like he tells me nothing that a husband should tell a wife and i told him how bothered i was by him not wearing his ring and etc. at first ofcourse it was a battle with him being jerky and cold. He said he has no desire to do wear it and oh well. He said hes not doing anything illegal, unmoral, or against our vows! He said hes wishes id stopped talking to him about this stuff cause the only thing we need to talk about is finances and things around the house and divorce stuff.

 

I asked him if he still cared for me and he said NO! He said he doesnt feel like that anymore. That broke my heart and i started to cry and he got mad! He said you can cry all you want it doesnt change things its only making me mad. I said it hurt and he said you dont know what hurt is!!! He then went into how angry he was and how hes passed that but how hurt he still is over my lies. I said why in oct did you seek out help and why were you loving with me again? He said he was trying to get over it forcing himself but the problem was he felt so vunerable(he actually used that word) and that made him feel so open to getting hurt again and he cant let that happen. He told me in his whole life that i confessed my lies to him hes never felt that angry in his life. He said it scared him. He said he was actually concerned for himself and he knows he cant handle taking a chance and getting hurt again like that. He said he doesnt know what hed do.

 

He said right now he has no desire to reconcile hes fine with things the way they are. He said he cant say tomorrow or the next how hell feel but he has no desire for a relationship with me again. He told me its like this issue with us brought up all the hurt hes ever had and it enraged him. Thats what he said.

 

After he says all that he tells me about how he likes work and etc... Its confusing cause he just got done telling me we should only be discussing finances and stuff about the house. Then he tells me you want to know why im on my phone so much? Its cause im looking for ways to better my fantasy football team and i like doing that stuff now. So i shouldnt worry hes up to no good he assured me i have nothing to worry about.

 

Very confusing that he tells me that after hes told me he doesnt care for me. I told him i may go to my bfs in OK. He said for a visit or to stay? I said to stay! He said well just remember thats a long drive and if something happens your own your own in whatever state it happens and i cant come just fix it and im not going to be happy with someone random fixing our car! Wth does that even matter???

 

I think i sadly got my wakeup call here. That he doesnt care and i dont see thats there is anything i can do to open him up to me again. Ve always said id never stay with someone who doesnt love me so why do it?? I really thought he still cared and it hurts so much.

[tojaz]

I'm sorry to hear this Allie. That was a very poor way to handle things on his part. I'll write a better reply, but I need to wake up some and reread your post a couple dozen times first.

 

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Thanks Tojaz! As always I appreciate it

[trippi1432]

I'm very sorry to hear this Allie. It's hard when the point of frustration gets to where you just have to get it out. Believe me, not many people on this site who haven't. Done the same thing. More in a bit.

[AllieKat]

Thanks Trippi- i think im in shock right now. I just am shocked he doesnt care. And that he finds it safer to not go there.

[AllieKat]

Talking to him this morning made things worse things got out of hand and we both called each other names. I took his car keys and was going to leave but he wouldnt let me leave.... I called the cops and he was told to leave so im not sure hell be back. The only good thing I can say is the cops were here 2 hours and they really talked to him and i and really did give him their opinion and they asked him tough questions and told him whats hes doing isnt helping. I was surprised at how much he told them though he did lie and say he didnt stand in front of me and wouldnt let me out.

 

He told them he just wanted time but i keep pushing him and my pushing makes him want to leave. They even talked to about about my miscarriage and my lies because i told them everything and they both are married cops and told him their own mistakes in their marriagesand how theyve got through them.

 

He called me a whore today and a bitch! He also told me he was done so i think thats it and its really over now. I feel relived he left though im sure just for today i feel that way. I know ill miss him terribly.

[trippi1432]

Hi Allie - look, these issues he had previously that got triggered are not your fault. That is something he will have to deal with and figure out for himself. I think it is good though for the two of you to disengage for a while and it's a shame he won't follow up with some counseling to help him resolve these issues and his problem with anger. Keep in mind that you can't make him figure it out and the more you do push, the more he will dig his heels in, just like you have stated here.

 

I find it interesting when people say they need time to figure things out yet make no progress due to complacency. Sometimes you do have to make it a little uncomfortable for them, but you have to prepare yourself for the outcome may not be what you hope for.

 

Just take care of you and dd for now. Let him worry about himself. Give both of you some space and let things cool down.

[Yasuandio]

Dear Allie,

 

Most of the time I "shut-up" and just let Tojaz handle this. However, I really think your current situation calls for a Yas post. I apologize in advance, if anything I state herein causes you any trepidation or stress. I am only trying to help you.

 

No one said it was going to be easy to play "Ms. Nice-Nice" with your moody, non-commital spouse. And all you really KNOW it that he may make his mind up by June or July.

 

Now it's come down to (a) blocking your pathway when you need to get away from the situation; (b) threats you will be on your own with the car (or chance angering him if someone else touches the car); © blocking your path to the door; (d) police called (second time); and (e) namecalling. Huge downward spiral. Now to mention the inner termoil you have been experiencing all along (evidenced in the many times you have had to hold/bite your toung/lip).

 

How can this be good or hopeful? I mean really Tojaz? This girl is only human. All that can be hoped for now, in my opinion is a temporary "hysterical bonding" experience, that will ulitmately fail.

 

Tell-tale Signs of a Deep-Seated, Suspicious Issue:

 

(1) IMO, (assuming you have not bothered him about his telephone usage directly) I find his random voluntary disclosure about his telephone activities very suspect. I bet your eye-teeth that football is not the only fantasy going on with that phone. Increased phone/text use indicates increased phone/text use.

 

(2) Listen to this DOUBLE SPEAK: He is not violating any vows by not wearing the wedding ring (indicating the vows are in place and active). He only is there to discuss "finances, stuff around the house, and divorce," (indicating the marriage is over.

 

(3) If the marriage is over - he should have just said there is no reason to wear wedding ring when marriage is over. The doublespeak may be is method to stall for time in the homestead.

 

(4) Another thing to study here is his irratic behavior. Nice one day, nasty the next. Moody. Gone long periods of time, sometime he communicates schedule - sometimes not.

 

(5) YOUR GUT. Obviously, you suspect something, as you've done some drive-bys. Your gut feelings cannot be ignored. They may darn well be accurate. While you may find his vehicle at work, that does not mean his genitals are in his pants - that is important point for you to realize.

 

(6) Assuming he is a healthy red-blooded man with normal sexual needs, tell me, how is his sexual tension being relieved? Is he masterbating? Or is he having sex elsewhere? That question has been avoided for months, while WE waited to see improvement.

 

OK, Allie, let's see what the team has to say about these ideas. Please safeguard yourself and your daughter. Keep in mind, you want to model the best conduct in this situation for her, as well. Yas

[AllieKat]

No worries Yas i appreciate everything you say! He told me last night to call his work or come in if i dont believe him... Maybe i will next time. Hes is all over the place as i am as well. I reread sone of my posts im hot and cold. But one thing ive maintained true to form is to work on my marriage. This is something hes not done! The cop even told him that. He also told him as my husband hes to protect me emotional and be there. And that if im feeling insecure asmy husband he should be helping build me up not help feed into my doubts about him.

 

I hope he takes the time to think about what they said its the first time any male 3rd party has given their opinion and though he did tend to see more my side he didnt excuse what i did. Such a shame it had to happen like this. Im not getting any hopes up on him seems like whats done is done and ive really done what i could. Now the hard part...

 

Dd is my only concern now and im sad she was here when this took place. I married a good guy but fact is he was only good till i didnt make mistakes once i started makung mistakes he had enough of me.... Not unconditional love at all!!!!