1 month in the path to reconciliation

[trippi1432]

I know we both said stuff we didnt mean but im not sure whats real with him anymore and whats not. He lied to the cops and in all the years weve been together weve never fought so hard against each other and said so many mean things. Im ashamed of my actions as well as he SHOULD be.

 

"Even though he said he doesn't care about me?"

 

Everybody says things in the heat of the moment, when it's right and resolved, you'll both be fighting for each other and the marriage instead of against.

 

In those infidelity articles, it's when both parties realize that what they have together is much more profound and learn to mutually respect one another and each other's boundaries. Infidelity is one of the hardest things in a marriage to overcome, but not unreasonable in some cases. It really depends on the people and their love for one another.

[AllieKat]

Not sure time though will help his fear which i think is the big reason he wont reconcile. He is afrsid to get hurt because he cant or hasnt learned to deal with hurt. He told me that when we had that first fight that he trusted me with his heart and i threw it in his face with the threat and i wasnt getting it back, well he gave it back but weeks later i lied so hes guarding it and until he deals with letting people in.not sure if hell be able to get there

[tojaz]

Oh Tojaz i hope your right! Its taken so long to get to this point and im counting on that love is enough to make him come back to his senses and work on this with me.

 

Everyday i read how ppl work through infidelity and i think why cant hubby and i work through our issues???

 

I've read a lot of stories Allie, and obviously lived through my own. I'm pretty confident of how I described it and I'm even more confident that he will see things differently after time has passed and the pressure is not there for him to fight against. Unfortunately, what he does with that information is anyone's guess. Only time will tell, but I think leaving him out there gives this situation the best odds at a happy ending right now.

 

I know its driving you nuts Allie. If you want to feel like your doing something, work on preparing yourself because for one purpose or another you WILL be hearing from him and it's going to take a lot to stick to your guns.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Tojaz do you also feel no contact is the way to go?

[tojaz]

Tojaz do you also feel no contact is the way to go?

 

Yes I do. That doesn't mean avoiding contact, it means leaving him to initiate it and making smart choices when he does.

 

Have a clear idea whats acceptable and what isn't, what you want, and what you need to remove yourself from, and how you will handle those situations.

 

That's why I say prepare yourself.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Ok i like a good concenus and your all saying that!

 

I keep trying to find reasons to contact him:

He stole my ss card, the car he is driving is in my name, texting him to ask if hes with his new girlfriend, etc. ive thought about taking all the money out of the bank so he cant spend any... Im thinking like a desperate loser

 

My sister obviously knows whats going on so she decided to send her hubby to walmart to check on him....they live 5 miles from that store.....grrrrr i told her please not to do that anymore because it looks like i put them up to it. She promised she wouldnt but wanted to let me know he was there last night at 5:30 and still there at 11pm, but wasnt there this am.

 

So now im more stressed because of her call to tell me this. And it wouldnt be family w/o twisting the knife to tell me hes probally shacked up with someone.

[tojaz]

Just wrote a reply Allie, but for some reason it is being kicked up for moderator approval.

[tojaz]

Ok i like a good concenus and your all saying that!

 

I keep trying to find reasons to contact him:

He stole my ss card, the car he is driving is in my name, texting him to ask if hes with his new girlfriend, etc. ive thought about taking all the money out of the bank so he cant spend any... Im thinking like a

 

Its instinct! Anyone in your situation would be thinking the same things. I know I was guilty of that. It doesn't really work out the way you picture it in your head.

My sister obviously knows whats going on so she decided to send her hubby to check on him....they live 5 miles from that store.....grrrrr i told her please not to do that anymore because it looks like i put them up to it. She promised she wouldnt but wanted to let me know he was there last night at 5:30 and still there at 11pm, but wasnt there this am.

 

So now im more stressed because of her call to tell me this. And it wouldnt be family w/o twisting the knife to tell me hes probally shacked up with someone. ��

 

Sometimes knowing does more damage then not knowing Allie, I'm sure your sisters heart is in the right place. The woman who cuts my hair also does so for my ex and she still often tries to slip details about her into the conversation. To the point where i've been rather stern in telling her that i would rather not know. Explain that to your sister, she will understand.

 

P.S. Nobody that has someone to "shack up" with is going to spend 6 hours at the store!!!

 

Tojaz

[tojaz]

Its instinct! Anyone in your situation would be thinking the same things. I know I was guilty of that. It doesn't really work out the way you picture it in your head.

 

 

Sometimes knowing does more damage then not knowing Allie, I'm sure your sisters heart is in the right place. The woman who cuts my hair also does so for my ex and she still often tries to slip details about her into the conversation. To the point where i've been rather stern in telling her that i would rather not know. Explain that to your sister, she will understand.

 

P.S. Nobody that has someone to "shack up" with is going to spend 6 hours at the store!!!

 

Tojaz

 

Not sure why quoting your reply kicked it up to moderation Allie, strange.

[AllieKat]

Ahhh another night down.... Im slipping into a rut again trying not to let it happen.

 

I do so much how much attention and help your all giving me. I dont think i could make it through this w/o LS.

 

Do any of you think the length of time hes gone means anything?

[tojaz]

.

 

Do any of you think the length of time hes gone means anything?

 

When we start measuring in weeks we'll talk about that Allie.

[AllieKat]

Well today the police officer called me on my cell to check on me and see how i and dd was? I thanked him and he let me know that he spoke with my husband. I told cop husband hasnt been home since or contacted me. He said he was aware apparently from whatever my husband told him and thathe recommended that my husband call me or contact me. I got the feeling my husband might of told him he doesnt plan on coming home because the cop seemed to feel pitt for me and wished me luck. I guess i shouldnt read into anything here other than the facts that husband is ok. Im monitering our joint account pretty closely to see if he will end up emptying it so i know what to do.

 

Thus far hes not really spent much and hes aware when bills are due so hopefully i wont have to use emergency fund.

 

Ive been so down today it feels like hes been gone for weeks and my hope is nonexistant. Im so curious about what hes doing, whats hes thinking, if he misses us, why he wouldnt come get all his stuff, why he hasnt cut me off financially, and etc. im wanting to think he hasnt done anything more final because hes not sure he wants that. But then i fear hes plotting on moving away and never contacting me again and leaving me stuck.

[trippi1432]

Allie - have you thought more to when he does call or if he does ask to come home, what you need from him to make things work? How have you worked to prepare for that?

[AllieKat]

Allie - have you thought more to when he does call or if he does ask to come home, what you need from him to make things work? How have you worked to prepare for that?

 

Honestly, No! I guess Im just not sure he will want to come home and right now it feels like i'll never see him again

[AllieKat]

Allie - have you thought more to when he does call or if he does ask to come home, what you need from him to make things work? How have you worked to prepare for that?

 

I will though! Im trying to pull myself together! I know i want him home badly BUT not sure what my hard line is. I want a commitment to work on marriage from him. Am I going to need to compromise with him? I know one thing ive got to learn to get my emotions in check. These angry outbursts are killing us.

[AllieKat]

You will all hate me and be disappointed but i just cant do this anymore. I called hubby he wont answer i need him home i feel like im dying here. Im miserable

[tojaz]

You will all hate me and be disappointed but i just cant do this anymore. I called hubby he wont answer i need him home i feel like im dying here. Im miserable

 

 

Maybe him not answering is a blessing in disguise Allie.

 

He wasn't giving you what you needed when he was home, don't trade a chance at achieving long term goals over short term peace of mind from having him there.

 

Your panicking over what I said before, you feel you can influence him if he is there with you. THAT DIDN'T WORK!

 

You can do this, your stronger then this.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Allie - It's called "white-knuckling" for a reason.

 

I can tell you from experience that you can be either too complacent or too emotional. I've been both.

 

My exH came back the first time and I agreed to let him back with just a promise of doing MC. That didn't go over well as he hated counseling and he just turned it all on me not being the woman he married. He was right, years of physical, emotional and verbal abuse had changed me.

 

He left again when I stood by our MC's advice of not bringing up the past to win an argument after he took $1000 and blew it gambling, he had no where to turn to win the argument. By that time it was C'est la vie and goodbye. In just that one month back, we were moving backwards toward the same old issues.

 

But do you see what was wrong with this picture, besides the obvious? I wasn't prepared for what I really needed in the marriage to make it work.

 

He felt I was the only one who needed to do the hard work. My expectations was that he would stop his abusive ways...that didn't happen. He felt he had the upper hand because he left me and I should have been begging him back.

 

Instead, I put him on NC for 3 weeks and he came home asking if I wanted him back. It still didn't work out, but it wasn't supposed to for us because nothing changed.

 

You need to be prepared and know what you want and expect and what he needs to do. Yes, there may be compromise, there always is in a marriage but never let it cross your boundaries.

[BetrayedH]

You will all hate me and be disappointed but i just cant do this anymore. I called hubby he wont answer i need him home i feel like im dying here. Im miserable

 

I doubt anyone here hates you. We just want to see things improve for you.

 

I think your husband is continuing to act like a petulant child. He's playing chicken with you. He wants to see you flinch first so he can win. That's all he seems to care about is winning a battle with you. Worse yet, I think he may just want to see you lose. I guarantee that he is reveling in the fact that your attempt at NC with him failed and now he is further reveling in his victory by punishing you with more NC. He wants to show you how your efforts will always backfire and he will always win.

 

I have to tell you, I am really starting to dislike this guy. He's manipulating and hurting you with intent. I would love to see you get angry. What kind of a-hole abandons his wife and child? His bitterness is no longer your fault, Allie. He's making these decisions on his own.

[AllieKat]

Two of my good friends came over because i had a meltdown. I came home and lost it. The lack of his presence is killing me. I really miss the old guy he was great. I feel like he'll never come back and that pushes me into desperation thus calling him. I know he didnt answer on purpose. I havent slept in two nights i feel like the antidepressants arent helping. They wanted me to check into hospital but i refused. My friend took dd so i could bawl my ass off w/o her seeing it. Im losing it and im so mad at myself but the emotion is ruling me.

 

My dd is so sad she asked me before she left, isnt there anything you can do mom? I miss him. I dont know if hes so mad that i called the cops that hes trying to teach me a lesson or if hes just happier w/o me.

[Yasuandio]

 

I think your husband is continuing to act like a petulant child. He's playing chicken with you. He wants to see you flinch first so he can win. That's all he seems to care about is winning a battle with you. Worse yet, I think he may just want to see you lose. I guarantee that he is reveling in the fact that your attempt at NC with him failed and now he is further reveling in his victory by punishing you with more NC. He wants to show you how your efforts will always backfire and he will always win.

 

 

BetrayedH, you have so NAILED the game plan, and this condensed, digestable interpretation is very interesting and applicable to many situations, including my own. I can turn it, twist it, and spin it -- but when it comes down to brass tacks, this is the sad fact of the matter, just as you stated it.

 

Too bad it is going to take another 10-15 years for Allie to comprehend the material you presented (nothing personal Allie, and nobody hates you, you're just a young human woman, that happens to be needy, and/or feeling desparate, period. You are not alone - me and Trippi have been there and done that too).

 

Just let the guy come home - wash, rinse, and repeat. That's what you are going to do anyway. And try to not involve the cops next time. The reason I tell you that is if something REALLY SERIOUS happens in the way of domestic violence, the police may not take you seriously.

 

On the flipside - always remember, should you reconcile in a mature fashion with your husband - you have been a participant in establishing his perminant recording with the authorities, and that, my dear, will never be expunged.

 

Have you thought about how such might affect him and his future, your future plans together? For instance, suppose you wanted to go into business and get an SBA loan a few years down the road from now. Did you realize that in such a case, any police record has to be identified apriori, or you could automatically be denied the loan? Or, maybe you don't see yourself in a situation like that. If you have not thought about the affects of a police record on your future, perhaps it is time you should.

[tojaz]

Two of my good friends came over because i had a meltdown. I came home and lost it. The lack of his presence is killing me. I really miss the old guy he was great. I feel like he'll never come back and that pushes me into desperation thus calling him. I know he didnt answer on purpose. I havent slept in two nights i feel like the antidepressants arent helping. They wanted me to check into hospital but i refused. My friend took dd so i could bawl my ass off w/o her seeing it. Im losing it and im so mad at myself but the emotion is ruling me.

 

My dd is so sad she asked me before she left, isnt there anything you can do mom? I miss him. I dont know if hes so mad that i called the cops that hes trying to teach me a lesson or if hes just happier w/o me.

 

Ok Allie, lets play the game.

 

So he comes back and things go back to how they were before he left. You know, the way that prompted a situation where the police had to remove him from the home, you know the situation where DD felt the need to protect herself with a kitchen knife.... yeah that one. Because that's what you will be getting back, not the part of him that your missing right now, you were missing that part when he was in the next room.

 

So ok, say he comes back and you start the status quo cycle all over again. Whats Allies next move????? Or is that what you let your life become just to have him in the house?

 

Think long and hard about this one Allie. Whats best for you and DD!

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I guess i blame myself for all that because i picked the fight. I probably shouldnt of called the cops. But in that moment i felt like it was right.

 

Im sure the status quo would be in place but i regret not trying to hold out a bit longer with him and trying what trippi had suggestedas far as showing him affection and etc. i never worked the nerve up to do that.

 

I guess in desperation (and lets face it thats where i am today) id rather have him here than not at all. Sad but honest. I guess i feel likei shouldnt give up on him because i feel like hes depressed.

 

I guess i just dont feel like anything i do will work so im running around like a maniac trying all the same stuff getting the same results

[trippi1432]

(((Hugs Hun)))

 

It's natural to want to blame yourself Allie, it's what women do, but there were two people involved here and he was just as much a participant. For all you really know, he may be just as ashamed of his behavior and can't face you or he could be angry and standing on pride. The fact is, it's an unknown right now.

 

It's easy to say stop working yourself up, but hard to do.....but you can do this.

[Yasuandio]

Ok Allie, lets play the game.

 

So he comes back and things go back to how they were before he left. You know, the way that prompted a situation where the police had to remove him from the home, you know the situation where DD felt the need to protect herself with a kitchen knife.... yeah that one. Because that's what you will be getting back, not the part of him that your missing right now, you were missing that part when he was in the next room.

 

So ok, say he comes back and you start the status quo cycle all over again. Whats Allies next move????? Or is that what you let your life become just to have him in the house?

 

Think long and hard about this one Allie. Whats best for you and DD!

 

TOJAZ

 

OMG. See past history bolded above. And Allie, you are so indignant by the stance I took regarding the effect of this domestic drama situation on your daughter? I certainly didn't recall this event in my last responses to you, otherwise my commentary would have been much more piercing and direct. You are unbelievable, but not unusual.

 

You know something? This guy could get really hacked off - "car-camping" in a PA Walmart parking lot in the dead of a winter, days at a time. You know something else? I think he could get the idea that you are really toying with him through these phone calls, drive-bys, and communications with his family after the police put him out (obviously, at your request). He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to express his deep feelings of frustration from such an event either (i.e., it's possible he may bottle it up - and perhaps explode sometime). So, on second thought, I have to revise my position on this matter. I rather, think you better be very careful - as, in context (above quote), this series of histrionic pandemonium may have gone too far this time, Allie (in more ways than one).

 

Please do not take my post the wrong way. I realize it is strong medicine. But we could be talking about your safety. You must realize you can push a man too far. If so, you best leave him alone.