Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Not sure if ive mentioned this before but ive noticed hubby has patterns and certain behaviors everytime hes been mad at me. He always changes passwords, blocks me on fb and takes his ring off. In the 3 major fights weve had he has done that everytime. And he wasnt cheating but they were things he saw work to upset me. Ive been the one who always took ting off when i was mad even if it was trival and he used to get so upset but i did it anyway. So though i did think he was cheating cause of his behavior this time it was also due to the length of time our fights/issues have lasted that made me feel he was. In hignsight though these have been his pattern so i shouldnt of been surprised! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Question: are you saying that prior to all of this, when you were upset with him you took your ring off. Now he has been doing that to you during this episode of the past 7 months? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 ? Yes i did when i was mad. Not all the time but over the last seven years i did it at least 2-3 times Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Not criticizing, but it sounds like you both have some "patterns" that need to be addressed. Just as he saw these work to upset you....it appears prior to this, you saw these worked to upset him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Question: are you saying that prior to all of this, when you were upset with him you took your ring off. Now he has been doing that to you during this episode of the past 7 months? Here's another question: Is it just my imagination, or has anyone ever else observed "trickle-truthing" on Allie's threads? I mean, there may be some psychological or sub-conscious reason for this, if it is, indeed, a pattern. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Also, on the issue of transparancy, and open passwords: I assume both partners will be open and honest about their internet activities with this new agreement. With husband's expectations of truthfulness from Allie here to forward, where does Allie's huge history of postings on LS fit into the new agreement of transparancy? Suppose her postings were discovered a year from now by accident? I would especially be concerned with the "troll" evening a few weeks back where it was clearly implied that there was something between Allie and Tojaz. I realize this may be an unpleasant topic, but it may be down right suspitious in the eyes of Allies husband if he were not aware of this venue at time of agreement. Yes, it may be confidential forum, or whatever - but I wouldn't bet my right arm that the material couldn't be accessed somehow, would you? Especially if Allie continues to use it. Interesting subject, I think. Should Allie tell her husband about the relationship site? Or, should it remain a secret? An ommision from the transparancy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Not criticizing, but it sounds like you both have some "patterns" that need to be addressed. Just as he saw these work to upset you....it appears prior to this, you saw these worked to upset him too. Yes like ive said before ive made several mistakes but ive always been willing to work on myself and our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Here's another question: Is it just my imagination, or has anyone ever else observed "trickle-truthing" on Allie's threads? I mean, there may be some psychological or sub-conscious reason for this, if it is, indeed, a pattern. Trickle truths?? Maybe its the fact that when posting on a forum its virtally impossible to list, type or shate every single detail and/or mistake one has made in the course of a 7 year marriage! Also ive typed so much im not sure at this point what ive posted and shared and what ive left out. Yas im sure youll jump on me as being defensive and somehow tie it into me not being honest or etc but truth is im just getting fed up with the constant negative nellie attitude youve turned on me Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Also, on the issue of transparancy, and open passwords: I assume both partners will be open and honest about their internet activities with this new agreement. With husband's expectations of truthfulness from Allie here to forward, where does Allie's huge history of postings on LS fit into the new agreement of transparancy? Suppose her postings were discovered a year from now by accident? I would especially be concerned with the "troll" evening a few weeks back where it was clearly implied that there was something between Allie and Tojaz. I realize this may be an unpleasant topic, but it may be down right suspitious in the eyes of Allies husband if he were not aware of this venue at time of agreement. Yes, it may be confidential forum, or whatever - but I wouldn't bet my right arm that the material couldn't be accessed somehow, would you? Especially if Allie continues to use it. Interesting subject, I think. Should Allie tell her husband about the relationship site? Or, should it remain a secret? An ommision from the transparancy? To late to worry on this subject Ive already told him! I just let him know about a marriage website ive been participating in. I havent mentioned the name but i felt all needed to be put on table. He didnt seem to concerned though i did tell him there has been particular advice ive recieved during these months that have made me doubt him and his commitment. He said that i need to be careful that i dont assume everyone giving me advice has the best advice to give. He didnt really ask anything. I guess im not to worried because everything ive said is true and ive certainly made no bones about all my mistakes and poor judgements. I will own my crap! :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 On another note Hubby was put on anti-depressant today. Is this a bad thing? I mean both of us are depressed and on anti-depressants now? Wouldnt it just be nice to work through our issues so we didnt need the pills. Saw my therapist today. Had so much to tell her! She isnt very impressed with my course of action last week of telling hubby to get out but whats done is done and i cant take it back. She thinks im creating conflict to mask my insecurity. Work work work... Anyone have any good websites or reads on insecurity? My therapist gave me some print outs to read but i thought if anyone had any other suggestions id be open to those too Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Trickle truths?? Maybe its the fact that when posting on a forum its virtally impossible to list, type or shate every single detail and/or mistake one has made in the course of a 7 year marriage! Also ive typed so much im not sure at this point what ive posted and shared and what ive left out. Yas im sure youll jump on me as being defensive and somehow tie it into me not being honest or etc but truth is im just getting fed up with the constant negative nellie attitude youve turned on me I have not turned on you, Ms. Allie. I do not know you, nor do I have any personal axe to grind. I simply take the time to call it as I see it, as a contributor to the site, and your threads in particular, all of which I have read completely in an ongoing fashion. I regret your inferred perception of the intent of my posts. I was merely emphasizing what I truly believe to be pertinent issues. Your defensiveness speaks for itself. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I have not turned on you, Ms. Allie. I do not know you, nor do I have any personal axe to grind. I simply take the time to call it as I see it, as a contributor to the site, and your threads in particular, all of which I have read completely in an ongoing fashion. I regret your inferred perception of the intent of my posts. I was merely emphasizing what I truly believe to be pertinent issues. Your defensiveness speaks for itself. Yas As does your post! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I wish the very best for you in the New Year. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 To late to worry on this subject Ive already told him! I just let him know about a marriage website ive been participating in. I havent mentioned the name but i felt all needed to be put on table. He didnt seem to concerned though i did tell him there has been particular advice ive recieved during these months that have made me doubt him and his commitment. He said that i need to be careful that i dont assume everyone giving me advice has the best advice to give. He didnt really ask anything. I guess im not to worried because everything ive said is true and ive certainly made no bones about all my mistakes and poor judgements. I will own my crap! :-) I like that you volunteered this. If he asks for more detail, I say you give it to him. The truth may hurt somewhat but it is your truth (which seems incredibly important to him). As well, it may really give him some valuable insight into your thought processes and challenges that would allow him to address them. That said, sharing your posts from here is a pretty personal decision. I wouldn't find it unhealthy to treat as somewhat confidential as you might also do with a personal therapist. Still, my vote is that honesty is almost always the best policy in a marriage and I have found few (if any) exceptions to that rule. There's nothing quite like living a completely authentic life with nothing to hide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I wouldn't sweat the ADs, Allie. In my experience, they did little but help keep the lows from getting quite so low. Separations are pretty traumatizing. If meds help one or both of you, just do it. You have other things to worry about more than a bruised ego and if a pill takes care of something, so be it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I like that you volunteered this. If he asks for more detail, I say you give it to him. The truth may hurt somewhat but it is your truth (which seems incredibly important to him). As well, it may really give him some valuable insight into your thought processes and challenges that would allow him to address them. That said, sharing your posts from here is a pretty personal decision. I wouldn't find it unhealthy to treat as somewhat confidential as you might also do with a personal therapist. Still, my vote is that honesty is almost always the best policy in a marriage and I have found few (if any) exceptions to that rule. There's nothing quite like living a completely authentic life with nothing to hide. I soooo agree at this point the last im going to do is lie to him! It defeats the principle that he CAN trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I wouldn't sweat the ADs, Allie. In my experience, they did little but help keep the lows from getting quite so low. Separations are pretty traumatizing. If meds help one or both of you, just do it. You have other things to worry about more than a bruised ego and if a pill takes care of something, so be it. Good point! Maybe if we are able to work through the weeds weve let grown in our marriage we can get off them! Its weird he seems so different since we talked. He told me he wants me to remember that somethings i read in email/fb may hurt me but like me he was seeking advice from his buddies and like anything not all advice is served in a pretty dish and tastes great! He left his wallet, keys, and cell lay around while hes been in bed since he got hone from Dr. He has the flu so he went in OUR bed to lay down. I being the good wife, made him soup and went and got him meds, tissues, vicks, cough drops and a mag to read when hes up to it. He didnt know i was going to do that and i think it shocked the hell out of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Allie - This is probably the most healthiest post that you have posted so far. No you will most likely not like what he had to say in his interactions with his support system...nor will he like what some have had to say here or what your family or friends even think. But the more you let everyone else do your thinking for you, the more you lose your marriage. What the two of you really lost is being your own support system for each other...isn't it time to work on that instead of pointing out the patterns or who is more wrong? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Allie - This is probably the most healthiest post that you have posted so far. No you will most likely not like what he had to say in his interactions with his support system...nor will he like what some have had to say here or what your family or friends even think. But the more you let everyone else do your thinking for you, the more you lose your marriage. What the two of you really lost is being your own support system for each other...isn't it time to work on that instead of pointing out the patterns or who is more wrong? This is a good post. It's you and your H against the world, Allie. No more keeping score against each other. Better keep that soup coming. If he has the same flu strain I've got, it's about 6 days of hell before he'll start feeling human again. It's been awful. Great time to earn some points with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I slept next to him last night and he didnt run! This am such a sweet moment i had to share. I was getting him his meds and extra blankets and he grabbed my hand and said thank you for taking care if me and he hugged me. I told him if course id take care of him, i love him and hes my husband. He unhugged me so he could look me in the eyes and said he loved me too. Im sure this will breed caution but it was a real honest caring moment. It made my heart melt!! Small step but very sincere 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 This is a good post. It's you and your H against the world, Allie. No more keeping score against each other. Better keep that soup coming. If he has the same flu strain I've got, it's about 6 days of hell before he'll start feeling human again. It's been awful. Great time to earn some points with him. Hope your feeling better! Ive seen this flu is really making its way around the country!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Its been a day since i heard the i love you but theres not much else happening. Dd feels a little better and i have the cold part now. Hes still kinda quiet though he did offerto go to store for me since he has to go out today. I guess i thought as soon as he felt better hed be loving and all smitten but thats not so. Does that mean he didnt mean what he said? This insecurity is insane. Hes the one who iniated tge hug and etc and he wasnt drinking when he said it or all hopped up on pills but i still doubt. I swear i was already planning a vacation and another baby.... J/k. Not sure how these things go but i know it will take time and it will be slow. I just worry he may regret saying that. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 If I can make a suggestion Allie, perhaps another way to look at things instead of determining what his regrets are and trying to read his mind....can you accept that in that moment, he was sincere and meant it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 If I can make a suggestion Allie, perhaps another way to look at things instead of determining what his regrets are and trying to read his mind....can you accept that in that moment, he was sincere and meant it? Yeah I can! You know me trippi i want to build rome in a day! I thought that i love you was the golden ticket Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 So, how are the agreements coming? Are you both checking in on progress daily like you said in one of your previous posts? Link to post Share on other sites
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