1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

Have you read The 5 Love Languages?

 

I'm guessing that gifts ain't one of his big ones. That seems consistent with your history of not buying each other much. I'm kinda the same way; just don't desire much for myself.

 

Still, a thank you should have happened and he should probably hear that.

 

I havent read that. Gifts at xmas havent been something weve done mostly because of dd and having to buy for our families but birthdays and fathers day and mothers day weve always done gifts! He never has forgotten! He told me last night he would rather take the tool box back and get something he needs more. So today that is i guess what hes doing. My dd asked him to take her shopping for my birthday sohe told her he would. Im super stressed cause im afraid if he doesnt get me atleast a card or tell mehappy birthday im going to be so sad!!

[trippi1432]

Actually, I'm glad BetrayedH brought that book up, it's actually a good book. So is understanding the giver/receiver role that two people take on in a relationship.

 

If your role is typically the receiver and his is typically the giver, the expectation is set. Depending on how skewed the relationship is toward one extreme, he may not have felt comfortable with such an expensive gift if that seemed out of the norm. Now, I am going to say something else here as well....and I'm not getting on to you Allie, but that did seem like pressure getting him that gift knowing that this week is your birthday. It's not a reflection on you as a person if he wants to take it back, it may just really be that he is not used to receiving gifts and puts value in other things that he perceives as gifts that are not so tangible.

 

I understand the correlation of Christmas is about the kids, but B-days, Mother's and Father's day being about each other out of respect. Have done similar as well. Stop stressing and just see what happens. He's doing the right things so far Allie, he's trying and you are going to have to try with him.

 

One of the best gifts I ever received was something that was well thought out and personal to happy moments. Things like this are never always balanced, but in the fact that he is taking dd to pick out a gift for you is him building a better relationship with her and participating in the relationship, that's a far better place than you were several months ago.

[AllieKat]

Yeah i guess for me i was wanting to show him how much he means to me but i can see how that might have felt like pressure! I definately didnt want to pressure him.

 

I am glad hes building a better relationship with dd. today he knew he made her sad and he sad im sorry i was just teasing you give me a hug! That was so sweet because she is the one who comes and gives him hugs usually! That would be the best gift. He even set down with her and taught her some magic tricks

 

I dont care if he gets me a gift i would be tickled with just a happybirthday and a card but im doubting that. He took the tool box back so he can afford a card

 

My family has all turned their back on me soits a hard b-day so him doing that would make it better. My sister and mom sent me an email last night telling me as long as im letting myself be a doormat and put up with a worthless marriage im no longer welcome in their life. They said they are praying for me to wake up and act like the SINGLE woman i should be. That sucks!! Im heartbroken but i will be ok. I would never walk out on them just because i felt like they were making bad choices. This is what i get for standing by my marriage :-/

[tojaz]

Allie, aside from adding a +1 to Betrayed's suggestion that you read "The 5 love languages" I'm going to go back to some things I told you long ago before things started to derail...

 

1. Letting him set the pace. Things will build up momentum by themselves if all continues to go well, but you have to let him start making moves on his own rather then trying/hoping to prompt him.

 

2. Remember when we talked about looking at the big picture and putting too much importance on tokens and gestures. That still holds true, and you said that yourself in regards to his interaction with DD. It also goes both ways, meaning that gestures on your part may also not be interpreted the way you intend. Let the foundation develop and all those little things you miss will return in time.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Just looked at 5 love languages! Before hubby did them all. He always told me how pretty i was and how good dinner was and how sweet i am. He will still say dinner is good but thats it no other compliments since fight. He never much liked me giving him compliments but i did he didnt seem to like them.

 

He used to always choose us time or family time over everything else. We spent lots of time together. Hes home constantly now but as far as him just spending us time mostly these days its hell talk to me about work and such but no dates yet or couple time.

 

As for gifts he never missed a b-day or mothers day or valentines day,or anniversary and if we decided to buy gifts for xmas for each other he always knew what i liked. This one he does not do anymore since fight. He never cared whether he got gifts or not but always appreciated it and i always loved buying stuff for him.

 

Acts of service was i think his best he loved/loves fixing stuff or doing things to help. I still see him do this even now. In fact this has been his strong suit throughout this period of time that weve been in this state. He was far better at this then me but i did bring him lunches and go run errands for him that i knew he had to do just to help him.

 

Touch he used to not keep his hands off me. He always hugged me and kissed me and would hold hands with me out in public and put his arm around me. Not at all anymore. Other than in oct when he was lovely dovey and the other week when he hugged me. I wasnt as touchy but i was affectionate he was far better at it and i loved when he would iniate holding my hand it made me feel special

[tojaz]

Just looked at 5 love languages! Before hubby did them all. He always told me how pretty i was and how good dinner was and how sweet i am. He will still say dinner is good but thats it no other compliments since fight. He never much liked me giving him compliments but i did he didnt seem to like them.

 

He used to always choose us time or family time over everything else. We spent lots of time together. Hes home constantly now but as far as him just spending us time mostly these days its hell talk to me about work and such but no dates yet or couple time.

 

As for gifts he never missed a b-day or mothers day or valentines day,or anniversary and if we decided to buy gifts for xmas for each other he always knew what i liked. This one he does not do anymore since fight. He never cared whether he got gifts or not but always appreciated it and i always loved buying stuff for him.

 

Acts of service was i think his best he loved/loves fixing stuff or doing things to help. I still see him do this even now. In fact this has been his strong suit throughout this period of time that weve been in this state. He was far better at this then me but i did bring him lunches and go run errands for him that i knew he had to do just to help him.

 

Touch he used to not keep his hands off me. He always hugged me and kissed me and would hold hands with me out in public and put his arm around me. Not at all anymore. Other than in oct when he was lovely dovey and the other week when he hugged me. I wasnt as touchy but i was affectionate he was far better at it and i loved when he would iniate holding my hand it made me feel special

 

Don't make it about comparing then and now Allie, the book is mostly about finding what he responds to as well as what you respond to most and what particular sensitivities can bring out negative reactions.

 

Most people have all 5 carrying a little weight, but one or two are usually primary over the rest.

 

I'm pretty sure there was a quiz or two in there, but I lent my copy out so can't be sure. Even though things are tight Allie, its worth getting a copy.

[AllieKat]

Allie, aside from adding a +1 to Betrayed's suggestion that you read "The 5 love languages" I'm going to go back to some things I told you long ago before things started to derail...

 

1. Letting him set the pace. Things will build up momentum by themselves if all continues to go well, but you have to let him start making moves on his own rather then trying/hoping to prompt him.

 

2. Remember when we talked about looking at the big picture and putting too much importance on tokens and gestures. That still holds true, and you said that yourself in regards to his interaction with DD. It also goes both ways, meaning that gestures on your part may also not be interpreted the way you intend. Let the foundation develop and all those little things you miss will return in time.

 

TOJAZ

 

I have been bad at letting him set the pace...so true. Im not good at that. I keep feeling like ive got to show him i care and if i dont things will go bad but at the same time i feel like i cant push him. I guess i need more balance with that.

 

Im allowing ppl to influence me and ive somehow got to stop that. Because im in the thought process if he doesnt acknowledge my bday tomorrow i gotta be done with him and he doesnt care. So after the drama with the fam im thinking if he doesnt acknowledge me then they are right and im a doormat who he feels nothing for. My therapist thinks im backsliding and she feels like im not really trying and im letting anxiety get me and that i need to increase meds.

[AllieKat]

Don't make it about comparing then and now Allie, the book is mostly about finding what he responds to as well as what you respond to most and what particular sensitivities can bring out negative reactions.

 

Most people have all 5 carrying a little weight, but one or two are usually primary over the rest.

 

I'm pretty sure there was a quiz or two in there, but I lent my copy out so can't be sure. Even though things are tight Allie, its worth getting a copy.

 

Ok gotcha! He responds best to admiration for sure!! I respond best to that as well and touch ;-)

[trippi1432]

Allie - Gary Chapman has a website for the book, you can just search for it as well as do the quiz online.

[tojaz]

I have been bad at letting him set the pace...so true. Im not good at that. I keep feeling like ive got to show him i care and if i dont things will go bad but at the same time i feel like i cant push him. I guess i need more balance with that.

 

Im allowing ppl to influence me and ive somehow got to stop that. Because im in the thought process if he doesnt acknowledge my bday tomorrow i gotta be done with him and he doesnt care. So after the drama with the fam im thinking if he doesnt acknowledge me then they are right and im a doormat who he feels nothing for. My therapist thinks im backsliding and she feels like im not really trying and im letting anxiety get me and that i need to increase meds.

 

Allie, you hit the nail on the head. Thing is, you have been showing him you care all this time, you never stopped. Your frustrated with the lack of return.

 

Going back to gestures and tokens, this is what i was talking about. You put yourself out there hoping hes going to send something back, when he doesn't respond the way you had hoped, it's like you assume the message just didn't go through, so you turn it up and try again. He backs away, yo get frustrated, and we all know how the cycle continues.

 

the message is getting through Allie, but the ones that are going to mean the most (and speak the loudest) are the ones that are just given with no expectation, no hidden meaning or agenda (Not as negative as it sounds). In other words, the first one. Put ti out there, if he doesn't respond, then just be glad that you at least told him how you feel.

 

>THEORY< His issue seems to be trust. When he feels pressured to respond, he wonders about the true nature of the gesture. Is it for him, or the expected reply? When you turn it up, he feels his suspicions were proven true and backs away, when you come at him again after that, he pushes back. That has been the cycle, until either a fight breaks out or one of you backs down. So what would happen if you threw a small gesture out, he failed to respond, and you just let it go? My guess is, over time, things would get more natural, you wouldn't feel compelled to push, and he wouldn't be as distrustful of your gestures because they would seem more genuine, so he would be more willing to respond.

 

Ok gotcha! He responds best to admiration for sure!! I respond best to that as well and touch ;-)

 

If you look again I think you'll see that it's Words of affirmation instead of admiration. I definitely think you are a affirmation person though I think your hubby has you pegged as an acts of service type. Just my opinion though.

 

Since, if I remember right, one of your ground rules was to spend some time talking about the marriage regularly. I would suggest printing off the quiz and asking him to do it as well, both for himself and to see if he pegs you correctly as well. If he's willing, it could start some interesting conversation, and maybe fill in some blanks for both of you.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Allie, you hit the nail on the head. Thing is, you have been showing him you care all this time, you never stopped. Your frustrated with the lack of return.

 

Going back to gestures and tokens, this is what i was talking about. You put yourself out there hoping hes going to send something back, when he doesn't respond the way you had hoped, it's like you assume the message just didn't go through, so you turn it up and try again. He backs away, yo get frustrated, and we all know how the cycle continues.

 

the message is getting through Allie, but the ones that are going to mean the most (and speak the loudest) are the ones that are just given with no expectation, no hidden meaning or agenda (Not as negative as it sounds). In other words, the first one. Put ti out there, if he doesn't respond, then just be glad that you at least told him how you feel.

 

>THEORY< His issue seems to be trust. When he feels pressured to respond, he wonders about the true nature of the gesture. Is it for him, or the expected reply? When you turn it up, he feels his suspicions were proven true and backs away, when you come at him again after that, he pushes back. That has been the cycle, until either a fight breaks out or one of you backs down. So what would happen if you threw a small gesture out, he failed to respond, and you just let it go? My guess is, over time, things would get more natural, you wouldn't feel compelled to push, and he wouldn't be as distrustful of your gestures because they would seem more genuine, so he would be more willing to respond.

 

 

 

If you look again I think you'll see that it's Words of affirmation instead of admiration. I definitely think you are a affirmation person though I think your hubby has you pegged as an acts of service type. Just my opinion though.

 

Since, if I remember right, one of your ground rules was to spend some time talking about the marriage regularly. I would suggest printing off the quiz and asking him to do it as well, both for himself and to see if he pegs you correctly as well. If he's willing, it could start some interesting conversation, and maybe fill in some blanks for both of you.

 

TOJAZ

Your right its affirmation im a typo/spelling queen. As for acts of service he may have me pegged thatway but i think its cause he fets affirmation most from me when he does those acts of service. Does that make sense?

[trippi1432]

Your right its affirmation im a typo/spelling queen. As for acts of service he may have me pegged thatway but i think its cause he fets affirmation most from me when he does those acts of service. Does that make sense?

 

So you are thinking that his acts of service to HIM are your love language? That these are the things that you appreciate most? It may be that he sees doing acts of service is showing love but not understand that your primary language is something else such as affection/physical touch.

[tojaz]

Your right its affirmation im a typo/spelling queen.

I've noticed that once or twice. I only mentioned it because the two are quite different.

 

As for acts of service he may have me pegged thatway but i think its cause he fets affirmation most from me when he does those acts of service. Does that make sense?

it does, and since it has seemed like he has gone above and beyond at times to do those acts of service, then that would lead me to believe that it is a language of his. That is what he is comfortable with when it comes to giving, and in receiving, you say he responds to words of affirmation.

 

(I sure hope I'm doing Dr. Chapman justice here!)

 

So when it comes to Allie, she also responds to words of affirmation, what would be your strength in the giving category? keeping in mind that is asking what feels best and most natural for you, not what you feel draws out a favorable response from others. This is where things start to get tricky.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I think im confusing myself. Lol whats new! I think that his love language is the affirmation. Hes always craved that hearing that hes done something good or right. I also think he likes to do acts of service to feed his need to be helpful. Thats something else he thrives off of.

 

In saying that i havent been as good as i coukd of been giving him affirmation, ive just realized that within the last months. But ive always been super great letting him know his acts of service are appreciated( tires, anything with car, helping around house) i think maybe since i go out of my way and its sincere, to say thank you hes thinking that is the way to show me through acts of service. I may it wrong but i am sure on what he thrives off. And though he may appreciate gifts it certainly doesnt make him feel loved or appreciated

[AllieKat]

I've noticed that once or twice. I only mentioned it because the two are quite different.

 

it does, and since it has seemed like he has gone above and beyond at times to do those acts of service, then that would lead me to believe that it is a language of his. That is what he is comfortable with when it comes to giving, and in receiving, you say he responds to words of affirmation.

 

(I sure hope I'm doing Dr. Chapman justice here!)

 

So when it comes to Allie, she also responds to words of affirmation, what would be your strength in the giving category? keeping in mind that is asking what feels best and most natural for you, not what you feel draws out a favorable response from others. This is where things start to get tricky.

 

TOJAZ

Hmm tough question. In giving category my most natural thing would be just what i gave him.. The tool box. Only because i like to give something i know is really wanted and needed. I like to see someone really happy with a gift knowing i gave that to them. I want them to know i took the time to put a lot of thought into it. Not sure if that is the best way to describe it

[tojaz]

I think im confusing myself. Lol whats new! I think that his love language is the affirmation. Hes always craved that hearing that hes done something good or right. I also think he likes to do acts of service to feed his need to be helpful. Thats something else he thrives off of.

 

In saying that i havent been as good as i coukd of been giving him affirmation, ive just realized that within the last months. But ive always been super great letting him know his acts of service are appreciated( tires, anything with car, helping around house) i think maybe since i go out of my way and its sincere, to say thank you hes thinking that is the way to show me through acts of service. I may it wrong but i am sure on what he thrives off. And though he may appreciate gifts it certainly doesnt make him feel loved or appreciated

 

Ok, so now you have an idea whats on the top and whats on the bottom of the list, Now were getting into it, and you don't sound confused at all.

 

Hmm tough question. In giving category my most natural thing would be just what i gave him.. The tool box. Only because i like to give something i know is really wanted and needed. I like to see someone really happy with a gift knowing i gave that to them. I want them to know i took the time to put a lot of thought into it. Not sure if that is the best way to describe it

 

So, to recap, based on your take

Allie: Giving = Gifts Receiving = Affirmation

Hubby: Giving = Acts of service Receiving = Affirmation

 

So, boiled down to a very simplistic form Allie, that if you are looking for a reciprocal gesture from him, what should you expect?

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Im guessing here.. I should expect him to do some type of service...like maybe taking dd to get me gift from her???? Or an i off? Sometimes i canbe a block and need things literally spelled out to me

[tojaz]

Im guessing here.. I should expect him to do some type of service...like maybe taking dd to get me gift from her???? Or an i off? Sometimes i canbe a block and need things literally spelled out to me

 

Sorry Allie, I've never been one to make things easy on people, the best answers are the ones you find yourself.... well that and the fact that I don't know. I only know him from your description on the board, you've been living with him. I can't compete with that.

 

I would say that your guess is a good one, it will most likely be subtle and well within his comfort zone, something he can easily explain away if you decide to corner him. I'm thinking back to earlier on when he concocted the many small service needs of your car that had suddenly became a priority. I think the cat box figured in there as well.

 

My point is that just because you haven't gotten the reaction you were hoping for doesn't mean that there wasn't one. It just wasn't the hugs and kisses that you may have dreamed about. The love languages seem to be all about learning to pick up his and allowing him the opportunity to pick up on yours. So if you give him a little affirmation for the cat box, then he may work up the courage to clean the whole kitchen next time..... etc.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

TJ/Tojaz/Toejam/Toj: Sorry, but that was kitty box advice there. Stop letting Shalisha ruffle your feathers...you do better than that and you know it. (and yes, I am laughing at all your aliases, but not at you).

 

I would ask you Allie - you put a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect, so I think that affection and physical touch are a love language that to you is primary. BUT...it has become so because you are scared of where you are at the moment. He gave that and you received. You took a huge step before and returned it and you saw things change in the relationship.

 

You cannot "guess" what he feels, you need to understand what he needs and feels as much as he needs to understand yours. I see him trying to do that. Instead of guessing, I like what Tojaz stated earlier, make this a part of your marriage discussion and ask him to take the quiz. Love languages is not an exact science...they do change over time so keep that in mind as well.

 

And I will stress again....never, ever let your family run what you feel in your heart. Two people in marriage let each other know what they need from each other, without fear.

[AllieKat]

Sorry Allie, I've never been one to make things easy on people, the best answers are the ones you find yourself.... well that and the fact that I don't know. I only know him from your description on the board, you've been living with him. I can't compete with that.

 

I would say that your guess is a good one, it will most likely be subtle and well within his comfort zone, something he can easily explain away if you decide to corner him. I'm thinking back to earlier on when he concocted the many small service needs of your car that had suddenly became a priority. I think the cat box figured in there as well.

 

My point is that just because you haven't gotten the reaction you were hoping for doesn't mean that there wasn't one. It just wasn't the hugs and kisses that you may have dreamed about. The love languages seem to be all about learning to pick up his and allowing him the opportunity to pick up on yours. So if you give him a little affirmation for the cat box, then he may work up the courage to clean the whole kitchen next time..... etc.

 

TOJAZ

 

Lmbo you said cat box!!! Lol thats funny! I took the quiz but havent asked him yet. My LL did come out affirmation and then touch. The others were all tied. But i kinda knew what i was already. I do think when hubby and i were in a good place prior to this it might have been different results.

 

As for and his service needs he sure is that way. Last weekend alone he took all decorations outside down, sat on floor and wrapped each ornament, vaccummed whole house and drum roll please cleaned kitty boxes!!! Which i should add he does daily these days. This was while i was grocery shopping. I had told him prior to leaving i wasnt feeling like cooking that day cause i had a million things to do such as get xmas decoration/ light down outside, and pack all xmas stuff up. Needless to say he did it for me.

 

I give him lots of affirmation but i keep it real because i dont want to go overboard and it to seem fake but i just dont think he picks up my LL at all. How can I show him more what im needing?

[AllieKat]

TJ/Tojaz/Toejam/Toj: Sorry, but that was kitty box advice there. Stop letting Shalisha ruffle your feathers...you do better than that and you know it. (and yes, I am laughing at all your aliases, but not at you).

 

I would ask you Allie - you put a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect, so I think that affection and physical touch are a love language that to you is primary. BUT...it has become so because you are scared of where you are at the moment. He gave that and you received. You took a huge step before and returned it and you saw things change in the relationship.

 

You cannot "guess" what he feels, you need to understand what he needs and feels as much as he needs to understand yours. I see him trying to do that. Instead of guessing, I like what Tojaz stated earlier, make this a part of your marriage discussion and ask him to take the quiz. Love languages is not an exact science...they do change over time so keep that in mind as well.

I

And I will stress again....never, ever let your family run what you feel in your heart. Two people in marriage let each other know what they need from each other, without fear.

 

Toejam? Lol poor guy! I got a pm asking me if i was a slut because my name was alliekat and they said that allie cats are typically breed whenever they can and with whoever!!! I was floored!!

 

Anywho im nervous to ask him to take it because he wasnt in to MB and said he thought that was just quack talk. Hes so not the type that believes dr and etc online. He reminds me of a grandpa in that areahe believes what hes lived and seen and is very close minded with advice and counseling and etc.

 

Trippi what huge step are you referring too? Do you mean when i stepped out of my box and hugged him??

[trippi1432]

LOL!! Sorry, had to have some fun....he (Tojaz) gets renamed a lot around here and I had to laugh at the cat box reference!

 

Word to the wise, you can cut off letting everyone PM you on here, I only have select members that can PM me on here.

 

I was referring to this quote from back when you were sick:

I worked up my nerve to go thank hubby for all he did for me tonight and gave him a little hug to go with it!! It wasnt the most loving hug ever buthe hugged me back and its a step... Small but i stepped outof my comfort zone to show him my appreciation

 

I know that this is language you wish to get back to and I figured that physical touch would be one of your high scores. Again, that may just be due to the situation.

 

On the MB's and the quiz, you can't force him, that I understand. There are a lot of men and women out there that won't step foot in a counselor's office (my exH did one time with our son's counseling....the next time I saw the counselor she said "My God!! My apologies you had to be married to that man!!").

 

Does he feel that the agreements that the two of you made are "quack" as well? Maybe if it is presented as self-help about mending the marriage he would be more receptive?

[AllieKat]

LOL!! Sorry, had to have some fun....he (Tojaz) gets renamed a lot around here and I had to laugh at the cat box reference!

 

Word to the wise, you can cut off letting everyone PM you on here, I only have select members that can PM me on here.

 

I was referring to this quote from back when you were sick:

 

I know that this is language you wish to get back to and I figured that physical touch would be one of your high scores. Again, that may just be due to the situation.

 

On the MB's and the quiz, you can't force him, that I understand. There are a lot of men and women out there that won't step foot in a counselor's office (my exH did one time with our son's counseling....the next time I saw the counselor she said "My God!! My apologies you had to be married to that man!!").

 

Does he feel that the agreements that the two of you made are "quack" as well? Maybe if it is presented as self-help about mending the marriage he would be more receptive?

 

He doesnt feel our agreements are "quack" he just thinks counselors, psycologists, internet sites are pretty much crazy. He only plays games online or shops...lol hes not a fan of advice from their or self help books etc. hes stubborn!

 

I thought that was what you meant about the hug and thanking him. So possible if i can get my nerve up to thank him with affirmation ( words) and throw in a hug that is getting us both what we need and im showing him what i need. With my luck hell get sick of the hugs and stop doing service.. Lol

 

 

About the family thing... I do agree with what you said before. I just find it hard to kick their thoughts out of my head. My sis thinks he just playing roomate and has no intention of being a husband and that he doesnt care about me at all!! That stinks she sees that. And shes a smart girl and that does make me think.

 

 

About names i know its a protected thing here but i often do wonder where some of these names come from. Mine is easy my first name is Allie and im a cat lover so that just fit. Lol im so imaginative huh?

[trippi1432]

He doesnt feel our agreements are "quack" he just thinks counselors, psycologists, internet sites are pretty much crazy. He only plays games online or shops...lol hes not a fan of advice from their or self help books etc. hes stubborn!

 

I would agree! And lots of men are stubborn about that. There's this fear of getting in touch with their feelings that will make them less a man or something. My exH only did two MC sessions to lay all the blame on me for our broken marriage and cut out so he wouldn't have to look at his participation in what went wrong. But, you apply what you learn. When you change things up, even a stubborn man will typically follow suit.

 

I thought that was what you meant about the hug and thanking him. So possible if i can get my nerve up to thank him with affirmation ( words) and throw in a hug that is getting us both what we need and im showing him what i need. With my luck hell get sick of the hugs and stop doing service.. Lol

 

It's possible. You are taking the initiative in the relationship....sometimes a woman has to lead in the relationship when the man isn't. With some men, you can tell them all day long what you need, how they interpret it may not be what you were looking for. That's actually normal believe it or not....men and women interpret things differently.

 

(in the service area....keep the cat box, that's definitely a plus in your favor if he tends to it! )

 

About the family thing... I do agree with what you said before. I just find it hard to kick their thoughts out of my head. My sis thinks he just playing roomate and has no intention of being a husband and that he doesnt care about me at all!! That stinks she sees that. And shes a smart girl and that does make me think.

 

I understand this....been in this situation before myself and I find that you just need to be assertive with friends and family. This is your life, not theirs. YOU are the one that has to reconcile what happens to your marriage and in your marriage, not them. I've had to assert myself to a good friend before and tell them that their negative opinion of my love life and my feelings are affecting our friendship. If they can't give support, stop talking to them about it and ask them to respect you by not giving unsolicited advice. Misery typically likes company...be wary of that.

 

About names i know its a protected thing here but i often do wonder where some of these names come from. Mine is easy my first name is Allie and im a cat lover so that just fit. Lol im so imaginative huh?

 

My username came from a guy I dated a long time ago, he said I was a trip due to my quirky personality and sarcasm. I still don't know what he was talking about.

[AllieKat]

Does anyone think Dh acting theway he is with dd these days is a sign? I know he pulled away from her in the beg and he said it was because he didnt want to give her the idea things were ok or to hurt her so he felt it was easier to distance himself. Even at one point telling her he could not be married to me.

 

Their relationship has slower got better but since hes been home hes been much more involved. Taking notice of her grades, going out of his way to take her shopping yesterday, playing games, iniating hugs and ofcourse parenting when she has done something we arent thrilled with. Yesterday she was playing in her scentsy plug in and got wax all over the new carpet and wall and tried blaming the cats...lol... Hubby and i talked to her about it and hubby used "we" alot and proceeded to take the lead on a solution to the situation.

 

He was so calm and cool and long winded but it was nice to see him take the lead and deal with the situation in such a great way. He made dd a compromise on her word to keep the warmer if she acts more responsible and truthful and they shook on it! Sad part was he was telling her how lying hurts and he voice was cracking and he looked like he coukd cry. I could feel his sadness still in his voice and see it.