tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Sheesh, poor guy sleeps in and you two write a book! TJ/Tojaz/Toejam/Toj: Sorry, but that was kitty box advice there. Stop letting Shalisha ruffle your feathers...you do better than that and you know it. You forgot Topaz, luckily I'm happy to answer to any of them.... except maybe Toejam. Shalisha is about as worrisome as a rainy day, I just don't like bad advice, especially early on in a thread.... watching her look foolish is just a bonus. I give him lots of affirmation but i keep it real because i dont want to go overboard and it to seem fake but i just dont think he picks up my LL at all. How can I show him more what im needing? Well, sharing the quiz would be a good start. Ask him to take it before you share the results. If you lead with he fact that you know he doesn't into those things but you'll really appreciate the effort.... TADA! It is transformed into an act of service... a language he knows how to speak! Once he takes a couple minutes to do it... an opportunity for affirmation. Hopefully that can lead to a little conversation about the toolbox so he can see it through your eyes. Even if you do end up returning it, he will have a chance to see the deeper meaning you put behind it. This is definitely a case of "its the thought that counts" and thats the gift, the thought. I thought that was what you meant about the hug and thanking him. So possible if i can get my nerve up to thank him with affirmation ( words) and throw in a hug that is getting us both what we need and im showing him what i need. With my luck hell get sick of the hugs and stop doing service.. Lol There's no harm in tossing a hug in. Even if he pulls back, you still showed him what your looking for and the message still gets through, he just might not be ready for that. Let him know that's ok and the air is clear and he feels affirmed. About names i know its a protected thing here but i often do wonder where some of these names come from. Mine is easy my first name is Allie and im a cat lover so that just fit. Lol im so imaginative huh? My username came from a guy I dated a long time ago, he said I was a trip due to my quirky personality and sarcasm. I still don't know what he was talking about. I have a theory or three. As Trippi will attest, the story behind my username is a lot less fun then letting people wonder about (and misspell) it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Does anyone think Dh acting theway he is with dd these days is a sign? I know he pulled away from her in the beg and he said it was because he didnt want to give her the idea things were ok or to hurt her so he felt it was easier to distance himself. Even at one point telling her he could not be married to me. Their relationship has slower got better but since hes been home hes been much more involved. Taking notice of her grades, going out of his way to take her shopping yesterday, playing games, iniating hugs and ofcourse parenting when she has done something we arent thrilled with. Yesterday she was playing in her scentsy plug in and got wax all over the new carpet and wall and tried blaming the cats...lol... Hubby and i talked to her about it and hubby used "we" alot and proceeded to take the lead on a solution to the situation. He was so calm and cool and long winded but it was nice to see him take the lead and deal with the situation in such a great way. He made dd a compromise on her word to keep the warmer if she acts more responsible and truthful and they shook on it! Sad part was he was telling her how lying hurts and he voice was cracking and he looked like he coukd cry. I could feel his sadness still in his voice and see it. Quit looking for signs Allies,sometimes things are just what they are. In this case, thats the better alternative anyway. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Sheesh, poor guy sleeps in and you two write a book! You forgot Topaz, luckily I'm happy to answer to any of them.... except maybe Toejam. Shalisha is about as worrisome as a rainy day, I just don't like bad advice, especially early on in a thread.... watching her look foolish is just a bonus. Well, sharing the quiz would be a good start. Ask him to take it before you share the results. If you lead with he fact that you know he doesn't into those things but you'll really appreciate the effort.... TADA! It is transformed into an act of service... a language he knows how to speak! Once he takes a couple minutes to do it... an opportunity for affirmation. Hopefully that can lead to a little conversation about the toolbox so he can see it through your eyes. Even if you do end up returning it, he will have a chance to see the deeper meaning you put behind it. This is definitely a case of "its the thought that counts" and thats the gift, the thought. There's no harm in tossing a hug in. Even if he pulls back, you still showed him what your looking for and the message still gets through, he just might not be ready for that. Let him know that's ok and the air is clear and he feels affirmed. I have a theory or three. As Trippi will attest, the story behind my username is a lot less fun then letting people wonder about (and misspell) it. TOJAZ He already took the box back yesterday while he was out with dd shopping!! Today is my birthday. He didnt get me anything or even say happy birthday yet! Im having very mixed feelings about it all but to be honest it just hurts andi cant help but think it speaks volumes on how he feels about me!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 He already took the box back yesterday while he was out with dd shopping!! Today is my birthday. He didnt get me anything or even say happy birthday yet! Im having very mixed feelings about it all but to be honest it just hurts andi cant help but think it speaks volumes on how he feels about me!! It probably says more to you then it dose to him Allie. He's till going to be all about caution and picking his words/actions carefully. Let the day play out completely before you do anything, if he does fail to acknowledge it, then you can work on what to do next. Happy Birthday! :bunny: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Thanks Tojaz!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I have to say what really annoys me is he told me 2 weeks ago he loved me!! Wth? So were those just words cause he was sick or what? Its soooo confusing Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I have to say what really annoys me is he told me 2 weeks ago he loved me!! Wth? So were those just words cause he was sick or what? Its soooo confusing Tojaz is going to need more spackle! Quit trying to interpret his every action/word. You can't do it!! He probably can't even do it!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Now who is writing books? Yeah, I forgot about Topaz...knew I was missing one. Happy Birthday Allie!! How about you give yourself a birthday present today and stop worrying so much? There's still the whole day to get through like Tojaz said. I'm going to go out on the limb that perhaps your hubby is depressed. When people are depressed, the last thing they are thinking about is other people. Perhaps he is doing better and taking small steps with dd in an effort to pull himself out of depression. It may be him trying to pull himself out of the shell. And just a reminder, don't let your families words to you become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Im trying!!! Dd got me the sweetest card and it made me cry!! She got me an awesome purse too and then her and I went out shopping! I agree hes depressed. Not much I can do there for him if he wont help himself. I know i should try and interupt everything but how do i do that?? If today was just another day id be sitting watching football with him today but im hurt i dont feel like sitting with him chatting not today! I wish it wasnt my birthday and he hadnt made such a big deal about it all the years prior. I feel like hes doung this to hurt me and i just cant stop questioning why he would. Tojaz youll need lots of spackle today. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Just going to say something here, I know you feel hurt right now, but don't project it and don't go hide. You are allowed to feel hurt Allie if he completely ignores it, but be careful with how you project it. You don't want it to scale to be breaking any of the agreements even though it doesn't seem that he's honored some of them either. I totally agree with you, if he is depressed, he has to want to help himself. That is an effort that he IS going to have to start to take whether he likes counselors or not. Just let the entire day play out....nothing has to be done today to address it. Enjoy your birthday in spite of it all and go buy yourself something nice instead. This is more a "situation" that you deal with once you cool off and are thinking more logically than from emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) He has said many times hes depressed so i totally believe it. Im not projecting it hopefully! Im being myself around home. It sure hurts but lets just say this day passes with no acknowledgement how do i go forward?? I need suggestions on that. Just to put it in perspective thus far our anniversary passed with no acknowledgement and xmas! Now this! Yes theres a wholeday ahead but hes not going to say anything im sure on that. Our anniversary i knew would be that waywe werent even talking hardly at that point. Xmas we talked and ate together but he never said merry xmas but in his defense i didnt neither. I just thought my bday woukd be different cause things have changed more in these two weeks then the whole 7mths prior Edited January 20, 2013 by AllieKat Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I know i shouldN'T try and interpret everything but how do i do that?? You do that, bu just not doing it. When he says something, quit trying to look behind the curtain and just allow it at face value. Why hasn't he said I love you in 2 weeks? I could type out pages and pages of speculations, but that's all they would ever be, and none of them would ever satisfy you completely. Truth is, he said it 2 weeks ago he wanted to say it, and he wanted you to hear it, so he acted on that. Now he doesn't want to say it, or he doesn't want you to hear it. The reasons behind that are his and his alone, nothing you can interpret and certainly nothing you can influence. Your just along for the ride there, you just have to let it become what it's going to become and act accordingly. All you can do is be the best Allie you can be and see how he responds, hes going to try and be the best (fill in name here) he can be and see where it takes him. Im not projecting it hopefully! Im being myself around home. It sure hurts but lets just say this day passes with no acknowledgement how do i go forward?? I need suggestions on that. Lets talk about that when the time comes Allie, enjoy your BDay the best you can and then move forward from there. If you fret over this all day and then does something, you will have stressed yourself out for nothing. If you fret about this all day and he doesn't do anything, then you stressed yourself out all day for nothing because theres nothing you can do to change that, and even if you could, you wouldn't be happy with the result because you would know it didn't come freely. Make sense? he's going to do what he's going to do regardless. Thats no reason to scrap an entire day worrying about it. I'm sure there are plenty of people who want to celebrate your birthday. Thats where you need to be. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Uhh Tojaz i wish i plently of ppl that did want to spend today with me! But thats ok cause theres really only 2 ppl i wish to spend it with anyway. Dd and dh! I the thing thats bothering me now in this minute is feeling unloved and alone. Dd is up to doing what a typical kid does playing or hanging out with friends and dh is watching football. While me and my cats watch movies. Lol i feel likei be an old maid with cats. Sure i can keep hubby married to me like this but iwont be happy again or i can set him and i free and hell go on and be happy and ill be an old maid with cats! Im having a down self loathing moment Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Im having a down self loathing moment Why would you want to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I dont know im just feeling awful right now! I really thought i was done with self blame and that ive moved forward but truth is i havent. I feel like if i hadnt lied i would be happy now and my marriage wouldnt be here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 He wont even walk in same room as me and yesterday we were getting along great. There is no way for me to not think about this or stress Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I feel like i need to go confront him but i know its not going to end well Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I feel like i need to go confront him but i know its not going to end well Do not do that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 I havent! Instead i removed myself from the situation and am taking dd out to dinner 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Any advice before i head back home? My plan is not say anything and not to confront him i decided that it wont help and its one birthday id rather have 30 more years of birthdays with him based on a healthy marriage then this one birtgday when our marriage is broken Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Any advice before i head back home? My plan is not say anything and not to confront him i decided that it wont help and its one birthday id rather have 30 more years of birthdays with him based on a healthy marriage then this one birtgday when our marriage is broken Logic rules when you keep emotion out of it. Good plan for now Allie. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Any advice before i head back home? My plan is not say anything and not to confront him i decided that it wont help and its one birthday id rather have 30 more years of birthdays with him based on a healthy marriage then this one birtgday when our marriage is broken I'm going to say that this is a biggie and will need to be addressed, but not while your in an upset and emotional state. Once you've calmed and had a chance to really digest it, will be the time to say something, and even then, just in a way that lets him know your feeling hurt. If your looking at it as a confrontation, then your not ready, and that's what you will get. TOJAZ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Okie dokie! I went down to my bff moms because she texted me and she had a cake and card for me and she talked to me about this a lot. And her advice was she too thinks hubby is depressed. They were shocked he didnt acknowledge my b-day because theyve known him for years. She too directed me not to confront him she said if she was me she would let him iniate the next convo/contact. She too said not to hide but she doesnt think i should go out of my way to be so nice with him. Not sure what ill do Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 There ya go Allie - You've heard this from too many people now. Hun, you aren't alone here on something like this, my ex-SO did something very similar on my birthday last year and we weren't even having any problems that I knew of. He made amends later without me saying anything, but I do feel he was depressed before I met him and was just going through the motions to try and find happiness when we met. Different circumstances I know, but confronting a depressed person (if he is) is not going to get you anywhere right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Is not showering a sign of depression? I know hubby has been not showering everyday lately. Gross but thats not like him. My friends mom said that was a sign. He hasnt talked to dd either today. I was hurting bad but as im thinking and had hours to deal with this im not as upset as i was. I thinking how i felt back in june and how i couldnt get out of bed or be a mom the right way i was so caught up in sadness. It wasnt cause i was a bad mom or didnt love dd it was depression. He gets up and goes to work though. So i dunno i imagine it affects everyone differently. I will bring this up with him at some point but like tojaz said i need it not to be confrontational or based on emotion and right now and maybe for a bit thats what it would be.. Even though im calmer now im not ready to go there. Dd told me he even told her what to get me and which brand of purses i like. Link to post Share on other sites
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