1 month in the path to reconciliation

[tojaz]

 

Dd told me he even told her what to get me and which brand of purses i like.

 

That line screams at me Allie, but lets talk about that tomorrow, you've already devoted too much of a day you should be celebrating to this.

 

Get some rest and look at it with some fresh eyes tomorrow.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

What do you mean that line screams at you? Afraid to know answer....

 

I be lying if i said i slept well and didnt think about this. My bffcalled me from OK last night and she thinks either he ignored my birthday so i would ignore his, which his is in 2 weeks, or he doesnt want me to think things are hunky dory. I dunno either way i think if he cared about me he wouldnt of done that period.

[tojaz]

What do you mean that line screams at you? Afraid to know answer....

 

 

Dd told me he even told her what to get me and which brand of purses i like.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what it means. (and yes after I posted that I realized it went against me telling you not to analyze every little thing... sorry)

 

It shows that he does acknowledge your birthday, but he doesn't want it to be coming from him. That and him returning the toolbox even though his birthday is 2 weeks away tells me hes trying to say something.

 

I wish I knew what that was though Allie, maybe he was getting too comfortable and had to back away again, maybe he just wasn't sure if it was appropriate, maybe he's afraid you would go over the top for his b-day.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it Allie, it's just something that stood out to me.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Allie - Not showering everyday could be a sign of depression, if that is different than how he used to be in the past hygiene-wise. Also, other signs could be disinterest in social activities or giving up things one liked to do before, fatigue or lack of energy, aches and pains (yes, backaches fall in that category - but if he had that before the issues between you started, I wouldn't look at that too closely), trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, anger or irritability, inability to concentrate and even feelings of being helpless or hopeless.

 

Of course, none of us here on LS, nor even you, can truly diagnose your husband Allie, only a professional can. It could be something to talk to your therapist about in figuring out how to deal with a spouse with depression or how to figure out getting him to seek help. If you are prone to depression yourself (which you even stated that you were or are going through this yourself due to all the marital issues), it makes it even harder to deal with someone else who is depressed.

 

You cannot force someone to get help if they won't, they do have to see if for themselves and want to do it. One thing you can do is create a "safe" place for them to talk to you about it if they will and try to encourage them or just be willing to listen to them without interjecting yourself into the situation (hard to do when you have an emotional investment). Threatening them to get help, confronting them with tough love..etc, typically does not work. Depression is difficult for the other spouse or loved one to manage because it does seem to erase personality traits or characteristics that made you love them in the first place (they seem to become someone different than before). In some cases, there is just depressed mood or situational sadness in which a person is still able to enjoy life, but with depression, a person who is defiant over seeking treatment most likely won't until they hit bottom.

 

Best bet, talk to your therapist about it and see what she recommends.

[AllieKat]

On the purse issue Tojaz yeah its weird im clueless and its just going to get chalked up to something else i just dont know.

 

On the depression i know no matter what i do hes got to want the help.

 

I still feel like im just not doing enough to make hubby feel like he can trust me and let his walls down but i just dont know what that is. I think he cares but i wish i KNEW he cared. I really felt we were making progress but now i wonder if i was just making to much out of it and for him he just thinks of me like a roomate.

[tojaz]

On the purse issue Tojaz yeah its weird im clueless and its just going to get chalked up to something else i just dont know.

 

On the depression i know no matter what i do hes got to want the help.

 

I still feel like im just not doing enough to make hubby feel like he can trust me and let his walls down but i just dont know what that is. I think he cares but i wish i KNEW he cared. I really felt we were making progress but now i wonder if i was just making to much out of it and for him he just thinks of me like a roomate.

 

Allie, the sooner you realize that him choosing to trust you is out of your hands, the better off you'll be. You could hook your self to a lie detector while standing on a stack of bibles with 3 witnesses to back you up, if he chooses not to trust you, he's not going to.

 

I don't think its about trust though Allie, at least trust in you. One of the things I have taken issue with since the beginning of all of this is that he hasn't really acted in a way (from what I gather from your posts) that suggests an actual lack of trust. I think that the lie was just a convenient package that was easy to hand you when he started pulling away. As always thats a theory, but if he seriously didn't trust you, I think a lot of things would have played out differently.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

Allie, the sooner you realize that him choosing to trust you is out of your hands, the better off you'll be. You could hook your self to a lie detector while standing on a stack of bibles with 3 witnesses to back you up, if he chooses not to trust you, he's not going to.

 

I don't think its about trust though Allie, at least trust in you. One of the things I have taken issue with since the beginning of all of this is that he hasn't really acted in a way (from what I gather from your posts) that suggests an actual lack of trust. I think that the lie was just a convenient package that was easy to hand you when he started pulling away. As always thats a theory, but if he seriously didn't trust you, I think a lot of things would have played out differently.

 

TOJAZ

 

Not sure i follow. Do you think he used the lies as a reason to back out of the marriage? As you know we had the issue a month prior but he came around and we got passed it for a bit. That was not about lies though that was my threats and how they hurt him.

 

I think its important to put this out there as i know i told trippi this in pm but the day he came home i went to his work. I poured my heart to him in many ways he told me he wasnt coming home ever but then that night he did. That day he told me how insecure he felt for all those 7mths trying to figure out what to do and not knowing. Prior to that the fight the day he left he said this not letting me in thing is a defensive mechanism cause he doesnt want to get hurt and all this stuff with me stirred up his past things that he thought he was over etc.

 

My thing is i dont believe he was looking for a way out i really think i hurt him and broke his security i dont think i broke trust maybe emotional trust.

[AllieKat]

It irks me hes avoided me since he got home no OT today. I am kinda hiding too because i dont trust myself to not say anything.

 

He couldnt tell me h b-day but he could comment on fb about the football games last night....

[trippi1432]

I don't think he used anything to back out on the marriage Allie, please don't go there. I AM going to wait for Tojaz to throw out his theory because I still say that hubby is delving into his past and is hurt (trusting the woman he's known for 7 years), but allowing something that happened in his past lead him to where he is now. He has to reconcile that, YOU cannot control how he does or when.

[AllieKat]

Ok trippi man im sure of one thing im getting paranoid again and im scared hes going to go fo something drastic like file for D!

 

Weve been married 7 years but weve been together for 10... Even worse huh?

[AllieKat]

Ok another post.....when doing bills i see dh used card for post office today. $7.20 so im assuming ( rightfully or wrongly) that he senthis buddy whose b-day is wednesday a card priority mail. Now its either that or he is sending someone something.

 

The lady i work for i talk to her a lot she said maybe its a tool hes sending back either way she thinks i should keep it to myself and not say anything because it wont help.

 

I guess it could be a card to buddy and that pisses me off if it is but it be odd cause i dont think hes ever sent him a b-day card but 1 time so i dunno. I know he only has like $10 cash so its not like he could of bought much other than a card but it freaks me out and then i think what if he sent some girl something..

 

I know i know im back to panicky Allie

[trippi1432]

How is that worse? Sure, people want to put stock into the 7 year itch, the anniversaries (10th, 20th, 30th....50th, 60th). For those that didn't make it, they fell out of love at the same time, makes sense. Granted, in today's world, much easier to do that. Why are there more people getting divorced, because there are more people available due to divorce. It makes the alternative to be single and selfish so much easier to some people.

 

I don't think this is where you want to be Allie..it may not be where your hubby wants to be either, but he's definitely wrestling to reconcile something.

[AllieKat]

Wow thx jakey! Now I feel worse

[trippi1432]

At this point you shud just kill upurself. Ur life sucks and it aint gettin no better. He hates you. He dont want you he is uses you. I say take lots of pills and go night night.

 

WTF is YOUR problem!!?? Seriously??

[trippi1432]

Well JakeyBoy, your post is more telling of your own problems than of Allie's.

[AllieKat]

I feel awful now even if its coming from someone like that! I always get ppl wanting to be negative.

[AllieKat]

I am soooo tired of guessing. Till my birthday i thought we were making progress. Now i just dont know. Im questioning it all and the possiblilty he may have sent his friend a card kills me. I dont want to let that stuff pass and act like its ok because i feel like that is like saying treat me like **** im good with that and its not ok.

 

I agree ive been immature. Im trying not to be if i could let go i think i would but im so sad w/o him but days like yesterday make me feel like its too late

Edited September 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Steen719]

I am soooo tired of guessing. Till my birthday i thought we were making progress. Now i just dont know. Im questioning it all and the possiblilty he may have sent his friend a card kills me. I dont want to let that stuff pass and act like its ok because i feel like that is like saying treat me like **** im good with that and its not ok.

 

I agree ive been immature. Im trying not to be if i could let go i think i would but im so sad w/o him but days like yesterday make me feel like its too late

 

You know, Allie, I didn't say you were being immature to hurt you, really. I think you have made a lot of progress with introspection since the very beginning. Quit obsessing about the card you think he sent. You cannot prove anything, so stop!

 

Anyway,

I really do think continuing in the same vein is not healthy. I know you said you were making progress, but really, the absence of turmoil or sadness is not happiness. It really is like you are taking 2 steps forward, 2 steps back constantly. Those times that you make 3 forward are negated when something bad happens and you are right back where you were. It is almost as if you are paralyzed and unable to go further because you are so afraid you will lose him.

 

Get some advice from a GOOD counselor. I know you really value Trippi and Tojaz's advice and so my advice may not mean as much as theirs and that is OK. But, from my perspective, you need to pursue healing your situation instead of being in a holding pattern. Your arms are gong to get mighty tired, Allie!

[AllieKat]

You know, Allie, I didn't say you were being immature to hurt you, really. I think you have made a lot of progress with introspection since the very beginning. Quit obsessing about the card you think he sent. You cannot prove anything, so stop!

 

Anyway,

I really do think continuing in the same vein is not healthy. I know you said you were making progress, but really, the absence of turmoil or sadness is not happiness. It really is like you are taking 2 steps forward, 2 steps back constantly. Those times that you make 3 forward are negated when something bad happens and you are right back where you were. It is almost as if you are paralyzed and unable to go further because you are so afraid you will lose him.

 

Get some advice from a GOOD counselor. I know you really value Trippi and Tojaz's advice and so my advice may not mean as much as theirs and that is OK. But, from my perspective, you need to pursue healing your situation instead of being in a holding pattern. Your arms are gong to get mighty tired, Allie!

 

Ive been seeing a counselor again since the beg of the month. Thus far her focus is on me and my insecurity rather than on us. Hubby has refused counseling so taking him with right now is a lost cause

[trippi1432]

No, I agree Steen on those things, helped me reconcile a lot myself.

 

The thing is Allie, you can't come from an emotional place. It takes an internal strength to finally say, "Hey, xxxxx, I know I hurt you (do NOT insert anything else here). I can't take that back as much as I wish I could but I don't want to lose us and what we were and this marriage. I need you to go with me to MC and let us try and work this out because what we had is an important part of who we are. It's not about pointing fingers, it's about getting back what we lost and we both need to figure out where we are going from here, even if it's just closure."

 

And then make the appointment. BUT, this is when you are ready to make this step and aren't afraid of losing him Allie. It goes more beyond making a stand, it's about being able to make it and be okay with the outcome.

[AllieKat]

Im just not there not thinking i ever will be! In some ways id rather have him this way than no way. Patheic yes but i dont want to lose him

[trippi1432]

I think what people really don't understand is that there are two ways to reconcile a marriage...the hard way, which is work, patience and love (as frustrating as it is) or the easy way ....a stand, an ultimatum and willing to lose or change the playing field. Both are risky. Either can be a catalyst.

[AllieKat]

Poor tojaz will never catch up

 

I think trippi if i went the easy way id always wonder if it didnt work what if i hadnt done the ultimatium? Going the long patient way i feel like i wont wonder ill know i stuck it out and tried.

 

When i did ask him to leave and he left it killed me and dd im not ready or strong enough for that yet. I need this therapy to get me back to be that strong woman in the event this goes nowhere. I think i understood when our anniversary and xmas passed with no acknowledgement from him but with my bday things have been better so i guess i expectated something

[tojaz]

I put him on ignore because I really wanted your thoughts Trippi and Tojaz on my current posts. Why do people always got to cone in and go crazy in the middle if turmoil

 

Because people who look to assault and abuse look for a vulnerable target to receive their wrath and chaos, and a person in a sensitive emotional state such as coping with a troubled marriage makes an attractive prey.

 

It is a dark side to forums like these designed to help others, those who would abuse it know exactly where to find their targets. It's not you Allie there have been abusive posters on this site going back since long before I ever found LS and was even a target myself on a few occasions. Alert button and then shut the computer down until the dust settles, they get their jollies from your response.

 

Not sure i follow. Do you think he used the lies as a reason to back out of the marriage?

 

No Allie, I'm saying his troubles are his own and nothing you said or did created them.

 

I say that because while he expresses his anger through his "mistrust" for you, he has done nothing to secure himself like he would from someone he truly didn't trust. It's easy for a person to secure their own phone so you can't see the records, I would never let anyone I felt I couldn't trust have a joint account with me.. or have access to my car.. or any of the other things that remained wide open throughout this whole ordeal.

 

My take over these months have been that his defenses have not been in place to separate the two of you, or even to push you further out of his life, as is the case with most stories, his defenses have been up to maintain that "status quo" a term I think you know has bugged me from the start.

 

Hubbys strongest reactions haven't come when you moved too close, they have come when he felt pushed, or when HE felt too close. Those actions were usually followed by something that brought you both back to the middle quickly rather then ever increasing distances, even though he had every opportunity he always had an excuse why he hadn't left or hadn't filed.

 

The threat of divorce and your lie became a tool that he could pull out whenever he needed, and it worked, so he kept using it.

 

My opinion is that what ever your husband is going through is giving a very general mistrust, and I see him trying hard to maintain connections.. not just with you but elsewhere as well, but he is trying even harder to make sure those connections are on his own terms. I saw that with the ways he had handled himself with the gossipers, his buddy, football, and in other areas you have mentioned. You, being the closest, and having an emotional connection have born the brunt of it.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Then work on the therapy Allie, work on you at this point. When the answers come, it won't be from an emotional place that will leave you wondering if you could have done something different. That will be when you know you have done all you can.