1 month in the path to reconciliation

[AllieKat]

I don't get the statement that his working OT is to make you more dependent either Allie, please do explain that.

 

How about an alternate theory? Where is he stashing this cash windfall from the OT? In the joint account? And giving you access to it? Doesn't sound like a man with a plan to leave, cut and run or saving up for a lawyer to me.

 

He stashes it in joint account. I dont think hes planning on cutting and running either just protecting the status quo

[AllieKat]

Maybe, just maybe, it's none of the above. In a previous post you wrote, "Im going to continue to be the best me and treat him with respect because thats who i am im not going to let my anxiety rule me into histeria in the moment". ... but two posts later here you are, coming up with all of these theories as to why he's working overtime when maybe, just maybe, he's working overtime to pay the bills and work towards financial security for his family.

 

Allie, I don't wish to be harsh but you need to know this: the more you put him under the microscope and analyse every little thing he does- and you do to the point of obsession - the more he will pull away. 100% guaranteed.

Please, for the sake of your marriage and sanity, stop the never-ending analysing. Focus on yourself, your actions, your thoughts, because when all is said and done, that is all you can do. You cannot control him no matter what you do.

Good luck.

 

Your not being harsh at all! I was just updating though! Im not feeling anxious nor was i when i was writing that. I do overthink obviously but i just find him so perplexing from day to day its strange to me so i was sharing it. My anxiety has sent me into panicky wanting to confront him and yell to driving by his work to obsessing over cell phone logs and emails and fb. Im done with that and the histeria it drives me to yes i mean that. Im still going to wonder though about his up and down actions.. It be hard not too. I could probably focus less on it for sure and i guess posting it makes ppl think im anxious about it but im not. I definately DO NOT project my over thinking to hubby though i keep it all smiles because what you said is so true it will kill my marriage and thus far it has not ever helped us only made things worse.

[trippi1432]

Uhhh lots of question here... Lol

 

Weekly or any marriage talks are not happening neither are date nights! All he does is work by the time hes home im getting ready for bed! Im upholding mine except i still doubt hes working OT sometimes and i doubt what he says by anazlying it all instead of taking him at his word.

 

The him trying to make me dependent thing is i think he feels the more money coming in the less ill bug him about our issues cause i dont want to upset him and be on my own financial. He even has hinted at this that he thinks i care more about money then him. So not true but sure when you have a child youve got to worry about that part of the equation too. Y

 

 

The whole bday thing still bugs me just cause i still am wrestling with what it means and i know stop overthinkibg and etc but i cant seem too!

 

I know you posted this back to Tojaz, but....the marriage talks should still be happening, those are key to the agreement. Date nights...work and the fact that neither of you are comfortable yet point to those being off in the distance if you do the marriage talks at least.

 

So the OT and financial thing...more a comfort for you he thinks which builds his ego?? I still don't get your negativity around the "making me more dependent"....it just sounded soooo controlling when you first posted it. I almost didn't think that was your opinion but someone else's to be honest.

[AllieKat]

I know you posted this back to Tojaz, but....the marriage talks should still be happening, those are key to the agreement. Date nights...work and the fact that neither of you are comfortable yet point to those being off in the distance if you do the marriage talks at least.

 

So the OT and financial thing...more a comfort for you he thinks which builds his ego?? I still don't get your negativity around the "making me more dependent"....it just sounded soooo controlling when you first posted it. I almost didn't think that was your opinion but someone else's to be honest.

 

My negativity is just because OT is optional we arent bad off and hes more than mking up for the cut i took but its frustrating cause that time could also be spent here at home working on things. I know hes just not able to give all that yet but i can hope.

 

I also feel like he thinks if he makes lots of money ill be happier with that and shift my focus to spending as opposed to my focus on the marriage. Ive been in the process the last 8 mths of cleaning out stuff and buying new and updating the house and etc and the reason we couldnt do as much was do to money. So with the extra ive kinda been redecorating here and there. He made the comment to me before in nov i think " you complain about the OT but on payday when its there you sure dont complain"! Then the day i went to his work to talk when he moved out one of the first things i asked him was are you just leaving me with all the bills? He said "see all you care about is money" so ive kinda got the impression from him he thinks money makes me happy so if he brings lots in that will keep me off him.

 

I dunno maybe i do t explain it right. I wasnt being controlling though

[trippi1432]

Allie - I wasn't insinuating that you were being controlling, the way it sounded was like he was trying to control you with money....make you dependent on it.

 

I know you said in the past that the two of you never fought about money....but I see something in his comments and even you bringing up what you did about him leaving you with the bills. I don't think that he understands that your complaints aren't about the money, but about the less time around the house. Seems to me that this may become the new issue now or one that is building up since the other issues started perhaps?

 

You do realize that all of it is because he doesn't want to deal with things at home and you shouldn't play party to it as well right?

[AllieKat]

Allie - I wasn't insinuating that you were being controlling, the way it sounded was like he was trying to control you with money....make you dependent on it.

 

I know you said in the past that the two of you never fought about money....but I see something in his comments and even you bringing up what you did about him leaving you with the bills. I don't think that he understands that your complaints aren't about the money, but about the less time around the house. Seems to me that this may become the new issue now or one that is building up since the other issues started perhaps?

 

You do realize that all of it is because he doesn't want to deal with things at home and you shouldn't play party to it as well right?

 

I really dont know what to think! It could many ways! Lol that the new norm i have to accept "nothing is what it seems". We still dont fight about money be made those comments in the heat of the moment so who knows.

 

Im just posting here nothing more! Hubby cleaned off my car this am and when i got up i thought all the cars in the area have snow but mine wonder how that happened. Lol i thanked him when he got home and his response was that he had to get snow brush out of my car to clean his so he figured he mid as well do mine! Im just glad i didnt have to spend 10 mins this am doing it its sooo cold here! :-)

 

We talked a lot this evening and did taxes together! If only we could work on marriage together that would be great!!

[tojaz]

If only we could work on marriage together that would be great!!

 

So do that!

 

You both made an agreement on the terms of him coming back into the home, if he isn't willing to live up to it, then it's up to you to remind him.

 

I think date nights are a tall order right now, but being able to take a little time to discuss things is in no way out of line.

 

Start easy, tell him you want to restart those exchanges again and that you will start slow by asking him just one question each day and that once he answers he can do the same if he chooses. Let him know that once he has given a detailed answer (something other then yes,no,maybe,I dont know) the conversation will be over until the next day... and then stick to that!

 

Once that pattern has been set, you can up the communication a little at a time. That will ease him in, and give you time to digest his answers and formulate your next question.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

It was part of the agreement but im not sure what to talk about! I mean i agreed to leave the past in the past by not bringing up the lies to him. I asked him last night about the love lang test and he doesnt want to do it. I did tell him in that point we made an agreement and id like to honor it and he said thats fine BUT i also agreed to let things progress on their own without forcing things one way or another.

 

It seems like hes willing to talk about anything but the marriage. Also like hes trying to forget everything that happened to cause the rift. I agree date nights arent going to come soon and i can also agree it would be nice to start fresh. His whole thing is to put everything in the past and start new and see where it goes and if it gets back to that point where we both feel 100% sure about recon then we work on our issues...

 

I actually understand what he wants. I know at this point i either go along or i walk away and we all know im not going to walk away right now. My therapist thinks he should be allowed his time as long as hes honoring his vows and treating me with respect. Im flexible because i get where hes at but its hard for me to take a wait and see stance

 

 

My therapist also thinks this is the perfect time to work on me while hes figuring stuff out w/o pressure. It just feels like she is on his side.

Edited January 25, 2013 by AllieKat

[trippi1432]

It just feels like she is on his side.

 

Why are there sides?

[AllieKat]

Why are there sides?

 

There shouldnt be but sometimes it seems like it. I do feel like she excuses his lack of action toward reconciling our marriage. Maybe i just am not familiar with how counseling works but it comes across like she thinks him still being so hurt/upset is ok and expected. I guess i shouldnt care about her opinion on the time but it crosses my mind.

[trippi1432]

Hmm, just going to back track a little bit here....something you stated in an earlier post about when you and your hubby first started out. It was a long distance thing wasn't it? I would love to go back and find it...but the pages are too long now, but as I recall, he had to earn your trust didn't he? How long did that take?

[AllieKat]

Hmm, just going to back track a little bit here....something you stated in an earlier post about when you and your hubby first started out. It was a long distance thing wasn't it? I would love to go back and find it...but the pages are too long now, but as I recall, he had to earn your trust didn't he? How long did that take?

 

Yes he did it was 2 years till i would introduce him to my dd!! Now if i hadnt had her or a child to consider surely it wouldnt of been that long. Its funny you say that trippi that is what my therapist said!! She paints it in a different way which i shy away from though because she is convinced hes here to stay and i shy away from that because i dont want to be over sure!

 

She like you Trippi pointed out today about the jount account. I almost thought is she reading my LS thread!

 

About the trust though we spent hours on the phone talking and getting to know each other. Dh and i dont talk like that and we already know each other so like i tell her im not sure how i can earn his trust back without interacting and spending time together. She tells me it will come and that me showing him i keep my word and through my actions i will earn it. But i just dont know this is new to me

[Lois]

It was part of the agreement but im not sure what to talk about! I mean i agreed to leave the past in the past by not bringing up the lies to him. I asked him last night about the love lang test and he doesnt want to do it. I did tell him in that point we made an agreement and id like to honor it and he said thats fine BUT i also agreed to let things progress on their own without forcing things one way or another.

 

It seems like hes willing to talk about anything but the marriage. Also like hes trying to forget everything that happened to cause the rift. I agree date nights arent going to come soon and i can also agree it would be nice to start fresh. His whole thing is to put everything in the past and start new and see where it goes and if it gets back to that point where we both feel 100% sure about recon then we work on our issues...

 

I actually understand what he wants. I know at this point i either go along or i walk away and we all know im not going to walk away right now. My therapist thinks he should be allowed his time as long as hes honoring his vows and treating me with respect. Im flexible because i get where hes at but its hard for me to take a wait and see stance

 

 

My therapist also thinks this is the perfect time to work on me while hes figuring stuff out w/o pressure. It just feels like she is on his side.

 

 

FWIW, I agree with your therapist. Work on yourself and let him do the same without the constant pressure and questions.

 

Sorry, but I disagree with Tojaz as far as asking husband a question every day. I think that's the last thing he needs and I don't believe it will help you with your insecurities either, on the contrary, I think it will feed them.

 

Good luck, Allie.

[tojaz]

It was part of the agreement but im not sure what to talk about! I mean i agreed to leave the past in the past by not bringing up the lies to him. I asked him last night about the love lang test and he doesnt want to do it. I did tell him in that point we made an agreement and id like to honor it and he said thats fine BUT i also agreed to let things progress on their own without forcing things one way or another.

 

Well Allie, you have written many posts looking to interpret his actions, and the best I or anyone else has been able to offer is that the only one that has those answers is him, so if your looking for something to talk about, you shouldn't have to look far. Recently you quoted him as saying that he thought that all you cared about was money, so i would think a good question would be if he really feels that way, another would be if he is working the OT to avoid coming home. As long as the questions are given in an honest and gentle way rather then becoming pressuring or accusatory, you could ask any of those things you'd like to know.

 

It seems like hes willing to talk about anything but the marriage. Also like hes trying to forget everything that happened to cause the rift. I agree date nights arent going to come soon and i can also agree it would be nice to start fresh. His whole thing is to put everything in the past and start new and see where it goes and if it gets back to that point where we both feel 100% sure about recon then we work on our issues...

 

This baffles me. You agreed to talk about the marriage, but he defines that as pressuring now and feels that breaks another agreement.

 

He want's to reach a point where he is 100% confident in reconciliation... AND THEN explore repairing the troubles between you.

 

I'm sorry Allie, but thats him doing whatever he can to dodge the situation again.... status quo. It seems like now that he is back in the house, things have come full circle, all agreements have been abandoned on his part (aside from informing you of OT) and he remains almost as distant, just a more pleasant form of distant. He said he was coming back to work on the marriage, but hes trying very hard to not even acknowledge it.

 

I know I said to let him set the pace, and that's true, but to have a pace, even a slow one, implies movement, he seems to be looking for a dead stop.

TOJAZ

Edited January 26, 2013 by tojaz

[AllieKat]

Its hard cause im so torn as what to do! My therapist tells me to let him have time and that its ok and she thinks the fact hes home everynight and not going anywhere on weekends and etc is good. And as long as hes treating me respectful i should except his lack of communication.

 

 

I come here and i have lots of advice from different angles!

 

My family/friends all have given me advice again from all different angles.

 

To be honest i just dont know what to do somedays so i usually go with my gut or i have been since he got home.

 

I did notice were some conflict seems to nest though. A week ago i went to met with a lady who is now holding what was my position with the cheerleading/football assoc. she wanted some imput and ideas. When i came home and i was telling Dh about it i could see him get annoyed. Not at me but at what i was telling him she said and her ideas. Nothing ever came of it but thursday he attended the monthly football meeting and tonight i asked him about it and i could see he gets annoyed talking about it a little. Im not sure why because we tend to have the same stance on things but ive noticed it and it seems to really trigger something.

 

I havent asked but im not surei want to because i have a feeling it could be toxic. My assumption is because theres a lot of drama that happened and occasionally when i bring up football/cheer i have a tendency to make comments about certain ppl and how they did this or that. I think that opens wounds.

 

Hes decided to still attend some of these meetings and still help with advice and suggestions. He says its because he wants to make sure those ppl elected into the new positions get to do what they want. But honestly he has nothing else to do hobby wise and my dd is still involved for another year. This is where my therapist points out that for a hubby whos planning to divorce he woukdnt remain involved in activites his step child is apart of!

[trippi1432]

Yes he did it was 2 years till i would introduce him to my dd!! Now if i hadnt had her or a child to consider surely it wouldnt of been that long. Its funny you say that trippi that is what my therapist said!! She paints it in a different way which i shy away from though because she is convinced hes here to stay and i shy away from that because i dont want to be over sure!

 

She like you Trippi pointed out today about the jount account. I almost thought is she reading my LS thread!

 

About the trust though we spent hours on the phone talking and getting to know each other. Dh and i dont talk like that and we already know each other so like i tell her im not sure how i can earn his trust back without interacting and spending time together. She tells me it will come and that me showing him i keep my word and through my actions i will earn it. But i just dont know this is new to me

 

Hmm, let's not skip all over this one before we throw her hubby under the bus.....

[trippi1432]

Yes he did it was 2 years till i would introduce him to my dd!! Now if i hadnt had her or a child to consider surely it wouldnt of been that long. Its funny you say that trippi that is what my therapist said!! She paints it in a different way which i shy away from though because she is convinced hes here to stay and i shy away from that because i dont want to be over sure!

 

I'm not sure I follow this part in bold.....

[tojaz]

Allie, I'm not sure your comparing apples to apples. Your therapist is right, hubbys actions are not those of someone who is going to leave.

 

Thats all they say though, and I think you know that,but I also think that it isn't enough for you to just know he isn't going to leave. His actions also are not those of someone who is looking to better his marriage either and i think thats more what your looking for rather then an assurance he will just be present.

 

TOJAZ

[AllieKat]

I'm not sure I follow this part in bold.....

 

I was just explaining how my therapist keeps trying to make me feel better by telling me hubby isnt displaying any signs of a hubby who is set to leave. Just like what you said

[BetrayedH]

Well Allie, you have written many posts looking to interpret his actions, and the best I or anyone else has been able to offer is that the only one that has those answers is him, so if your looking for something to talk about, you shouldn't have to look far. Recently you quoted him as saying that he thought that all you cared about was money, so i would think a good question would be if he really feels that way, another would be if he is working the OT to avoid coming home. As long as the questions are given in an honest and gentle way rather then becoming pressuring or accusatory, you could ask any of those things you'd like to know.

 

 

 

This baffles me. You agreed to talk about the marriage, but he defines that as pressuring now and feels that breaks another agreement.

 

He want's to reach a point where he is 100% confident in reconciliation... AND THEN explore repairing the troubles between you.

 

I'm sorry Allie, but thats him doing whatever he can to dodge the situation again.... status quo. It seems like now that he is back in the house, things have come full circle, all agreements have been abandoned on his part (aside from informing you of OT) and he remains almost as distant, just a more pleasant form of distant. He said he was coming back to work on the marriage, but hes trying very hard to not even acknowledge it.

 

I know I said to let him set the pace, and that's true, but to have a pace, even a slow one, implies movement, he seems to be looking for a dead stop.

TOJAZ

 

There is some real truth here, I think.

 

My impression is that he would like the marriage to be over but has no motivation to do anything about it and nowhere to go but the damn walmart parking lot. So he accepts status quo. And incorporates "don't nag me" into agreements about working on the marriage that he likely didn't want to make anyway. I love his "let things progress at their own natural pace" bit. No surprise to me on date nights; you can freakin' write those off altogether. My theory is that what he would like is for you to get fed up and end the marriage so he can sit back and not be the bad guy (or do anything, for that matter). As much as I respect Trippi (she would really like to see you save this marriage), I think a "wait and see," love and patience approach on Allie's part is going to be fruitless. People don't change until they have a motivation to change.

 

I think it's time for real ultimatums and real agreements with routine accountability to be in place (good luck with that with the current counselor). The real problem is that Allie can't back up an ultimatum and hubby knows it's a bluff. He can throw one tantrum and we'll be back here for another 35 pages. I feel bad for the daughter that has to try to deal with this unhealthy dynamic ad naseum. I'm sure she'd like to see her parents either actually fix their marriage or actually divorce.

[AllieKat]

Allie, I'm not sure your comparing apples to apples. Your therapist is right, hubbys actions are not those of someone who is going to leave.

 

Thats all they say though, and I think you know that,but I also think that it isn't enough for you to just know he isn't going to leave. His actions also are not those of someone who is looking to better his marriage either and i think thats more what your looking for rather then an assurance he will just be present.

 

TOJAZ

 

Thats exactly right! I want the marriage not just a husband! My therapist has the opinion, and bare with me this is my describing what she said but not in fancy talk. This was most of our session yesterday. In her opinion based on his actions and inactions she feels he has one foot out but not in the way most men do. She doesnt feel he has one foot out because he wants out or is thinking about leaving or because he doesnt care or because hes not sure... Yadda yadda. She thinks or she explained it to me she thinks the one foot in is way more important. Because when i saw her this summer he had no feet in. She used a swimming pool analogy. She thinks the waters really cold in the pool and he hates cold and so when the water turned cold he jumped out instantly. Since hes been sitting by the pool watching hes come back stuck a foot in trying and sometimes he just couldnt deal with the temp so he pulled his foot out and decided hed try again later. That happened a few times. One foot in no feet in. Then it was so awful cold ice formed and he ran. Upon coming back he noticed the pool wasnt icy anymore and he could handle the cold temp because it wasnt as cold so he sat down and put a foot in and hes building up the nerve to put the next in but it will take a lot of warming up till he feels its safe to jump in.

 

I know thats odd but its not my take its hers. She also said she feels hes very cautious and safe. She tells me to pay attention to his actions not lack of words. Well to me thats tricky cause they teeter. I think his actions sometimes show care and on some days that dont.

 

She is drooling to get him in therapy, not with her but another counselor she feels like if we can get things worked out ill have the best chance sonce he wont go now.

[trippi1432]

I would like to see them resolve this and stay married, I won't deny that. And that reason is a purely simple one at that, they still love and care for each other. We can sit back and beat the hubby over the head, call him stubborn, assign blame to him and make the marriage break down his sole responsibility - but it wouldn't be true and still not enough evidence to me that screams divorce.

 

I think Hubby is sitting on status quo because he realized that the previous status quo was severely skewed not to his favor. Bear with me Allie, I know this is going to feel like I am pointing a finger at you, but just let me point something out that you and I have discussed. Prior to this, Hubby was the initiator of affection in the relationship. He was the giver and Allie was the receiver. He was the one who reached out for the affection....he might say I love you six times, Allie was more reserved. This is what Allie misses and wants back in the relationship. Several weeks ago, when she reached out and gave him that hug...it was not natural to her and not something she actively did prior to the issues. This is where Allie's insecurities and anxiety stem from because he is not actively being the giver in this area of the relationship. He's still doing a lot of the things he did before, but yes, he is holding back in this area and I agree with the therapist in this case that he has one foot in the pool and one out. He doesn't want to go back to the old status quo but he's not sure what the new status quo is going to be yet, so he is dipping his toes in here and there to see if the water is going to warm up.....I think that is going to be when Allie starts meeting him halfway personally and warms up the water herself.

 

Given some other info that Allie has shared among these 35 pages, a lot of the old status quo was something the hubby accepted because of Allie's past and his own past as well. I know someone will say that I am reading a lot into this, but these two were kindred in their foundations. Hubby had issues with his family, holding grudges, Allie had issue with her family (some grudges there too). It took 2 years for her to trust him enough to let him in with her and dd, cautious and playing it safe (and she was right in doing that...I would say he was a very patient man and felt she was worth it). I would say now, the new status quo is that he is asking for the same respect he gave her and is doing some things in the marriage to make it worth it. Is he doing exactly what Allie wants....no, that is where he is exerting that the old status quo needs to change but I think he knows that the new status quo isn't going to be permanent...he just doesn't know what to do to change it. In any case, it is going to make Allie uncomfortable because it's not her status quo.

 

Should she put an ultimatum out there, she could on seeing the therapist. I don't think she should put one out there that she is going to divorce him....that's the ultimatum that led up to these 35 pages already. I think she relies too much on Hubby doing the heavy lifting in the relationship to make it work when really she needs to meet him in the middle and make it an mutually respecting marriage with equal responsibility in meeting his needs as much as getting hers met.

[AllieKat]

Betrayed i definately value your opinion and appreciate your always respectful when you give! I do disagree somewhat!

 

If im 100% honest with myself I know regardless of whether i give hubby ultimatium or not it wont help me unless im healthy! Meaning im really dealing with this anxiety and i dont think any rash decisions need to be made until i can deal with them! Im just not there! Ive only been back in therapy a month and believe me as you all see i struggle with my insecurities and anxiety everyday. Im not saying ill keep doing this marriage of status quo for years but right now im just not there.

 

As for hubby i really dont think he wants out heck he has places he could go his buddy has been looking for a roomate for a month. Plus the money hes making now he could set up a place and still pay bills here. I just dont think he wants to YET! Thats not to say he wont. Though i do think you have a point about him filing i too dont think he will and ive thought about hes hoping ill get fed up and do it. He knows ive already seen a lawyer for a consult so im sure he knows im capable. But the one thing that is weird is i know ppl have told him he should file after all the poor guy was hurt by his awful wife(sarscasm because this is how many have treated him) but he hasnt even been to a lawyer for a consult. So where he may be willing to let it up to me to keep his hands clean i think its more of a role over and play dead thing. I think hes given up because he cant deal with his own issues and hes being complacent. He has no clue how to help himself so he doesnt he just mopes around.

 

 

This is so much more than him just being done and letting me be the bad guy! He still has a stack of xmas cards not opened. He wont return friends calls/texts/ fb msg. Hes turned down fun things like a superbowl party he told the guy mo thanks i am just going to stay home. Why stay home? His hygiene is slipping big time! he sits on the same place of the couch everyday and only moves to go eat or to the bathroom. he watches tv or sleeps. mostly sleeps. The only time he seems happy is with dd! He actually smiles! They play games, tell jokes and etc. i can tell at times hes pretending to be happy infront of her. Their relationship is pretty solid now.

 

He is in a similiar state as me i think hes mad some days, sad some, happy few and confused most!

 

So it be easy to say hes just a jerk and wants out and normally i would agree but when you take a step back and pay attention its more than just that. I think he is depressed and i think if he just wanted out he wouldnt be miserable. And if he wanted to piss me off so i got fed up he could not let me know hes working ot or go out and do things and never be home thats what pisses me off most. Im no expert but i just dont feel its that he just wants out and is waiting on me to do it.

 

Im sure i sound like a idiot but i dont care!

[tojaz]

Thats exactly right! I want the marriage not just a husband! My therapist has the opinion, and bare with me this is my describing what she said but not in fancy talk. This was most of our session yesterday. In her opinion based on his actions and inactions she feels he has one foot out but not in the way most men do. She doesnt feel he has one foot out because he wants out or is thinking about leaving or because he doesnt care or because hes not sure... Yadda yadda. She thinks or she explained it to me she thinks the one foot in is way more important. Because when i saw her this summer he had no feet in. She used a swimming pool analogy. She thinks the waters really cold in the pool and he hates cold and so when the water turned cold he jumped out instantly. Since hes been sitting by the pool watching hes come back stuck a foot in trying and sometimes he just couldnt deal with the temp so he pulled his foot out and decided hed try again later. That happened a few times. One foot in no feet in. Then it was so awful cold ice formed and he ran. Upon coming back he noticed the pool wasnt icy anymore and he could handle the cold temp because it wasnt as cold so he sat down and put a foot in and hes building up the nerve to put the next in but it will take a lot of warming up till he feels its safe to jump in.

 

I know thats odd but its not my take its hers. She also said she feels hes very cautious and safe. She tells me to pay attention to his actions not lack of words. Well to me thats tricky cause they teeter. I think his actions sometimes show care and on some days that dont.

 

She is drooling to get him in therapy, not with her but another counselor she feels like if we can get things worked out ill have the best chance sonce he wont go now.

 

Do you agree with her analogy?

 

Allie, I don't really like your therapists analogy, because it seems to put the burden on you to "warm the waters" which i don't think is really fair. To add to that, her advice has been to wait and see, which really doesn't fit the analogy unless shes expecting him to gain a preference for "cold water".

 

Of course, I'm not a therapist, and obviously don't have the same information to draw on as she does, so as always it's just my own view.

 

I've tried every which way to try and make an analogy to fit the way I'm seeing things, but am having a hard time, but I'm going to try.

 

Instead of a pool I'm going to go with a beach. You and dd are out enjoying yourselves in the water and you want DH to join in. He's found himself a nice warm spot in the sun. He's decided he doesn't care for the water, but Is afraid to leave the beach for fear he might find himself somewhere he's even less comfortable. So he has just become static, moving neither closer nor further from the waters edge.

 

Best I could come up with so far

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Most likely, what ever analogy is used, Hubby is depressed and you could throw water of any temperature on him all day long, drag him down a beach or push him in the pool....until he gets a handle on the depression, not much else is going to move.