Author AllieKat Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Do you agree with her analogy? Allie, I don't really like your therapists analogy, because it seems to put the burden on you to "warm the waters" which i don't think is really fair. To add to that, her advice has been to wait and see, which really doesn't fit the analogy unless shes expecting him to gain a preference for "cold water". Of course, I'm not a therapist, and obviously don't have the same information to draw on as she does, so as always it's just my own view. I've tried every which way to try and make an analogy to fit the way I'm seeing things, but am having a hard time, but I'm going to try. Instead of a pool I'm going to go with a beach. You and dd are out enjoying yourselves in the water and you want DH to join in. He's found himself a nice warm spot in the sun. He's decided he doesn't care for the water, but Is afraid to leave the beach for fear he might find himself somewhere he's even less comfortable. So he has just become static, moving neither closer nor further from the waters edge. Best I could come up with so far TOJAZ Do i agree with her? Not sure really. Somedays i could feel that way, others i dont. For example today hes very quiet and distant almost like hes mad. Days like this i feel like betrayed maybe right! Last saturday we had a great day and i feel like theres still hope. I get the one foot in one foot out thing and the bottom line that hes baby stepping back and it may take awhile. My therapist main focus she says is to work on me and to get me to work through my self esteem issues that have resurfaced through this. She talks little about hubby other than to point out what she sees and how it compares to others she has seen. The status quo is for sure what shes seen too but she seems to favor the idea hes got walls up to protect himself and that he wont take them down till he feels safe. And she thinks the best thing i can do is not pressure him and just work on me and treat him kindly. But my issue is im not patient what if his walls dont come down? I agree hes protecting himself and as put walls up but my fear is they are permanent Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Most likely, what ever analogy is used, Hubby is depressed and you could throw water of any temperature on him all day long, drag him down a beach or push him in the pool....until he gets a handle on the depression, not much else is going to move. True true!! Im not religious but i pray everyday hell seek help! It makes me sad that he bottles it all up and wont even talk to his friends. I can tell hes struggling otherwise the moods wouldnt be so up and down. I know my behavior has to be consistent. I am not going to engage him in any fights or conversations while hes depressed it just wont get either of us anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Do i agree with her? Not sure really. Somedays i could feel that way, others i dont. For example today hes very quiet and distant almost like hes mad. Days like this i feel like betrayed maybe right! Last saturday we had a great day and i feel like theres still hope. I get the one foot in one foot out thing and the bottom line that hes baby stepping back and it may take awhile. My therapist main focus she says is to work on me and to get me to work through my self esteem issues that have resurfaced through this. She talks little about hubby other than to point out what she sees and how it compares to others she has seen. The status quo is for sure what shes seen too but she seems to favor the idea hes got walls up to protect himself and that he wont take them down till he feels safe. And she thinks the best thing i can do is not pressure him and just work on me and treat him kindly. But my issue is im not patient what if his walls dont come down? I agree hes protecting himself and as put walls up but my fear is they are permanent Ok, the word here is stalemate. Nothing changes until someone moves. Your therapist is telling you to wait for him, and he's telling you he's waiting on you. I wish I could draw on LS, I have a picture in my head of what I want to say that I could put on my chalkboard all day long, but am having a hard time translating into text in a way that is easy to follow. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 Ok, the word here is stalemate. Nothing changes until someone moves. Your therapist is telling you to wait for him, and he's telling you he's waiting on you. I wish I could draw on LS, I have a picture in my head of what I want to say that I could put on my chalkboard all day long, but am having a hard time translating into text in a way that is easy to follow. TOJAZ Tojaz what makes you think hes waiting on me? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Tojaz what makes you think hes waiting on me? You said he was waiting to be 100% on recon before trying to address issues. What else could he be waiting on? The bigger question is what is he hoping to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 He did say that! Hmm i guess i just took what you said differently at first. Like hes waiting for me to do something and that escapes me cause im not sure what to do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 26, 2013 Author Share Posted January 26, 2013 I know he is prob hoping to see me stop freaking out about stuff every few weeks likei used to. I know he hates that. So far i have not done that hes been home 3 weeks and i have not accused or picked a fight or let my anxiety win by creating drama with him. Believe me if i knew what would do it for him i woukd do it. I tried getting him a gift that failed, i tried doing something nice for the guys at his work that failed. I took care of him when he was ill he was receptive to that and did the same for me. Its a mystery now Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I know he is prob hoping to see me stop freaking out about stuff every few weeks likei used to. I know he hates that. So far i have not done that hes been home 3 weeks and i have not accused or picked a fight or let my anxiety win by creating drama with him. Believe me if i knew what would do it for him i woukd do it. I tried getting him a gift that failed, i tried doing something nice for the guys at his work that failed. I took care of him when he was ill he was receptive to that and did the same for me. Its a mystery now Of course he hates it. So would you! No person can live like that (especially someone suffering from depression) and I'm sure - as it's been 3 weeks - he's waiting for the next freak-out to occur. I know if it were me, I'd be looking at it like a ticking time bomb. Allie, I know this may come across as harsh, but those ridiculous outbursts are something that you need to get under control. I know, it's easier said than done and you are clearly trying, but I believe it's key to getting your husband's trust back. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Of course he hates it. So would you! No person can live like that (especially someone suffering from depression) and I'm sure - as it's been 3 weeks - he's waiting for the next freak-out to occur. I know if it were me, I'd be looking at it like a ticking time bomb. Allie, I know this may come across as harsh, but those ridiculous outbursts are something that you need to get under control. I know, it's easier said than done and you are clearly trying, but I believe it's key to getting your husband's trust back. Good luck. Thx Lois I really do appreciate your imput and Im definately trying hard to keep my insecurity underwraps!! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Allie, please don't take offense to what I said. And look at me as I am - some random internet dude that doesn't know your situation anywhere near as well as you do. To be brief, I am just angry for you. He knew about your birthday, straight up ignored it, and for one purpose - to hurt you. He knew it would hurt and reveled in the power that he had to both hurt you and make you smile about it. You couldn't say jack****. He won, too. No "ridiculous outbursts." Nothing. Sit and choke it down, bitch. Anybody got a better explanation? I'd like to bash his ****ing face in. But my $.02 is frankly useless here. Allie, my true hope is that you successfully reconcile your marriage and I sincerely wish you the best. Your heart is in the right place and you deserve it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 He did say that! Hmm i guess i just took what you said differently at first. Like hes waiting for me to do something and that escapes me cause im not sure what to do! Sorry Allie, this was the first moment I had to get back to your thread. What he's waiting for you to do escapes him as well, thats a big part of the problem. Like you said, he want's to be 100% certain on recon, but theres no way to verify that without starting down that path, which he is unwilling to do. I think he has a clear picture of how he would like things to end up, his view of what he would like things to be. I don't think he has a clue on how to get to that point and is unwilling to risk trying to find out. Thats why, while I thought letting him back into the house so early was a mistake, I really liked the agreements you made, because even if it was just a minimal effort to satisfy your agreement, he was still taking at least a moment to think about the marriage and actively discuss it. Even if it was just a few minutes each day. Thats only good if he's held to it Allie, letting him fall back to status quo will put you right back at square one. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Thx Lois I really do appreciate your imput and Im definately trying hard to keep my insecurity underwraps!! And you are doing a great job, darling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 I may just be hopeful here but i dont think hes purposely not wanting to work on marriage! I think hes still stuck in the anger phase and cant see past it. I think if he knew what could fix things hed do it. At least i hope. I dont think this is about me at all anymore and what i did. I think its some broken in him. He has this seemingly unability to deal with hurt. And its not just with me its with his mom his father and grandparents. He cut them out of his life because they upset him! Now he had me still so i imagine it was easier for him to cut them loose as he still had someone. But if he cuts me out. He has no family left. It honestly boggles my mind because even though we have had a few fights in our 10 year relationship we were SO close and HAPPY and for him to not be able to forgive me and move on is shocking! If i had cheated i could understand. Seriously in our 10 year relationship he never ever called me a name or ever got mean till this all happened in May! Thats on reason im having such a hard time just walking away i love him so much! The agreements would be nice to follow but i know hes very depressed if im being realistic can i really expect someone who cant even shower daily to stick to an agreement? Yesterday was bad here! He walked out of the house without saying a word and i have no idea where he went... That messes with my insecurity! I know at some point he went to target and got gas but for 2 hours im clueless where he was and that stresses me out so bad! He wasnt talkative at all and looked mad yet i did nothing. He was fine with dd so i know his anger is directed at me! I know wait and see attitude is not popular on here my goal is to not let him get my goat so to speak and to continue to treat him kindly! I dont know if that will work but im not going to reward any bad behavior. When he was grouchy i just ignored him and did my own thing. When hes kind i acknowledge it. I honestly dont know what else to do but this keeps the peace and throwing him out well i just cant. Now if he cheated and i had proof he'd fly!! I know im disappointing people but i just cant do something im not prepared to deal with the consequences of. I really wish i knew what i could do to help him. I think one of his issues is he cant get the lies out of his head. The same way i keep thinking hes cheating even though i have no proof. Im ruled by my insecurity. He told me when i went to his work to ask him to come home that if i want to talk about insecurity hes spent 7 mths being insecure trying to figure out what to do. My therapist gave me this off the internet to read i shared it with trippi. "In the first place, you can recognize that forgiveness is a process. It ebbs and flows; it starts, stops and starts again; it gets better and gets worse. No matter what the issue that caused the hurt, forgiveness can be more than just a one-shot decision. Understand that forgiving you may take time, and that if your mate occasionally seems to struggle with or dwell on what you did, that doesn't necessarily amount to a refusal to forgive. Sights, sounds and memories can trigger an episode of struggle. If you're impatient or inconsiderate, it will only cause more hurt." Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 I want to add one thing here. I think if he knew what he wanted hed act on it. I really think hes in between staying and divorce. I dont think he knows what he wants and till he decides hes not going to do any work on either possible outcome. Now that is my decision too because i can force his hand but i dont think forcing him will get me my marriage. It will get me an end of the status quo though. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Oh and he agreed to see dr for his depression! Its a start! Im hopeful but not to much so. I need to work on me so i can cope if this failsso i dont fall into the sadness again. He is going to dr tomorrow and my counselor is back from leave so im back to counseling Hey Allie - I pulled this from when he came back and the two of you discussed the agreements. Did he ever do this? He was supposed to see a doctor about the depression the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Hey Allie - I pulled this from when he came back and the two of you discussed the agreements. Did he ever do this? He was supposed to see a doctor about the depression the next day. He went but they prescribed him pills he refused to fill them! He said and i quote " they think im depressed but im just in a funk, im not depressed. What a joke that appt was" this is what im dealing with :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 And im sure he didnt tell dr everything just what he wanted to tell him. I havent a clue why he went if he wouldnt take the script. See one day i get one guy then the next hes different. Sweet one day and sensible and then the next mad guy Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 He went but they prescribed him pills he refused to fill them! He said and i quote " they think im depressed but im just in a funk, im not depressed. What a joke that appt was" this is what im dealing with :-( And im sure he didnt tell dr everything just what he wanted to tell him. I havent a clue why he went if he wouldnt take the script. See one day i get one guy then the next hes different. Sweet one day and sensible and then the next mad guy Denial..."a funk" and being depressed are essentially the same thing. He doesn't have to take the pills, simple talk-therapy could help him if he would take the initiative. Personally, I got "unhappy and restless, but nothing I did to cause it, it's within him" literally with my ex-SO during his "funks". I totally understand how frustrating it is. You do know, that you can still honor your agreement by discussing some of what you have noted in the marriage discussions. we communicate everyday about "our progress" even if its just to say i need less of this and more of that. A. You aren't re-hashing what he has asked you not to re-hash. B. You would be addressing a primary concern about something new in the situation that is affecting the "progress". It may or may not have any results, but you can let him know that it is noticeable and you are concerned for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Yeah i was so glad he went and he was so sick when he went so when he brought the script home and said he would fill it later i was fine cause he had the flu already but once he got better he wasnt into taking it and i agree his funk is depression. I was worried about us both being on anti depressants but i didnt tell him that. I could go and talk to him about what you said. It makes me nervous though how ill act if he doesnt respond nicely. Am i string enough to not go off and keep my cool?? Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Keeping your cool is key, perhaps approaching it from a genuine caring about him and his health rather than an issue with the progress of the marriage would take the edge off both of you (your worry of his response and his reaction to it). He could be defensive either way, but what you will have put out there is that the "funk" has become increasingly more noticeable. If he gets defensive or argumentative, walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Dh and i talked this am prior to me going to store. Not about us ofcourse but about what we are going to do with our income tax $! For the first time we are getting money back $1000 which is nice!!! I was nervous to hear what he wanted to do with it because i waiting to hear file divorce. The filing fee here in our county is high over $400. Anyway he wants to put the money into our cars! His needs a few things and mine just will be needed breaks in soon! So i bit that bullet! However upon returning home i felt the need to ask wherehe was yesterday for those 2 hours. He said he went driving around and then went and got stuff at target. He then asked why and i just said well you left mad and i wasnt sure if you were ok or not and i was worried. He didnt say anything. I think that i saved myself cause i really didnt want to ask but i did and honestly i was worried. I think sometimes delivery is the key to asking. But i was afraid that was going to get us in a fight. Now to work up the nerve for other conversations about his health. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I think you handled that well....not old Allie, improved Allie. No one has said not to worry, approaching someone with that worry is what needed work and you handled that just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 But my $.02 is frankly useless here. . isn`t everyones? There s no helping those that don`t heed it aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 isn`t everyones? There s no helping those that don`t heed it aM So Am whose advice am i supposed to "heed" everyones advice or just yours??? You realize i have many ppl giving different advice right? Just like youve giving me your opinion heres my advice to you... Ppl might actually take you serious and respect what you "advise" if it was in a respectful form! Most ppl can handle different opinions and advice even if its not what they want to hear but when its delivered in negative rude ways your defeating yourself because nobody is going to respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 So Am whose advice am i supposed to "heed" everyones advice or just yours??? You realize i have many ppl giving different advice right? Just like youve giving me your opinion heres my advice to you... Ppl might actually take you serious and respect what you "advise" if it was in a respectful form! Most ppl can handle different opinions and advice even if its not what they want to hear but when its delivered in negative rude ways your defeating yourself because nobody is going to respect that. Allie i wasn`t being rude was i? really was i? i was being honest. You seem to hate any form of crititism that seems to be directed at you? And yet you bite back with SUCH vehemently at anything you don`t deem to be a `posistive(towards you directly) answer to your posts So how far are you into your `month of reconciliation`? aM Link to post Share on other sites
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