aMguilts Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 black and white is sometimes colour, it depends on how you look at it aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Allie i wasn`t being rude was i? really was i? i was being honest. You seem to hate any form of crititism that seems to be directed at you? And yet you bite back with SUCH vehemently at anything you don`t deem to be a `posistive(towards you directly) answer to your posts So how far are you into your `month of reconciliation`? aM Youve been rude plently of other times though on this thread! I snap back cause i dont need to be your outlet! Betrayed, lois and steen have all given me their opinions too and sure its not what i sometimes want to hear but i appreciate their contribution and the way in which they do it. Fact is for the most part most of us on here are hurting, or have been through hell why degrade each other or put each down give advice thats the point! Im going to go back and forth with you like before just know i do not respond to people who put me down or say rude disrespectful things. Im working on a marriage here no time for posting/trading jabs. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Youve been rude plently of other times though on this thread! I snap back cause i dont need to be your outlet! Betrayed, lois and steen have all given me their opinions too and sure its not what i sometimes want to hear but i appreciate their contribution and the way in which they do it. Fact is for the most part most of us on here are hurting, or have been through hell why degrade each other or put each down give advice thats the point! Im going to go back and forth with you like before just know i do not respond to people who put me down or say rude disrespectful things. Im working on a marriage here no time for posting/trading jabs. so work on it then good luck aM Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Allie, since you mentioned you not wanting to throw him out, I wanted to mention that this wasn't what I was trying to imply when I said that I felt letting him back in so easily was a mistake. It's not. The reason i said that was because it removes motivation. A man spending his time in the Wal-Mart parking lot is a lot more motivated to take a serious look at how his actions have effected things then someone who has a warm place to sleep and a comfortable place to come home to. I think thats going to prove important, especially to someone who is dealing with depression. Finding motivation. All the more reason i think it is important that you delicately hold him to his agreements. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 Allie, since you mentioned you not wanting to throw him out, I wanted to mention that this wasn't what I was trying to imply when I said that I felt letting him back in so easily was a mistake. It's not. The reason i said that was because it removes motivation. A man spending his time in the Wal-Mart parking lot is a lot more motivated to take a serious look at how his actions have effected things then someone who has a warm place to sleep and a comfortable place to come home to. I think thats going to prove important, especially to someone who is dealing with depression. Finding motivation. All the more reason i think it is important that you delicately hold him to his agreements. TOJAZ I agree but I dont think it works all the time! In fact I think it may backfire and he would of just stayed gone. I think he would of just been motivated to get his own place and resent me. Hes so so stubborn Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 At this point I can try to hold him to agreements but I cant make him do anything. So to that we are back at the same thing which is he leaves and that isnt going to happen so im stuck i suppose till he decides to change or till i stop caring to deal. Frustrating Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I can't help but notice the title of this thread says "1 month path to reconciliation" yet it's been going on for 6 months+. I think you hit it on the head your last post. You either need to stop caring or you need to leave. Clearly, based on your history, doing anything other than these two options results in misery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 I can't help but notice the title of this thread says "1 month path to reconciliation" yet it's been going on for 6 months+. I think you hit it on the head your last post. You either need to stop caring or you need to leave. Clearly, based on your history, doing anything other than these two options results in misery. Actually its 1 month IN the path to reconciliation. Which was started in Nov. when i we first were starting to recon. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I agree but I dont think it works all the time! In fact I think it may backfire and he would of just stayed gone. I think he would of just been motivated to get his own place and resent me. Hes so so stubborn At this point I can try to hold him to agreements but I cant make him do anything. So to that we are back at the same thing which is he leaves and that isnt going to happen so im stuck i suppose till he decides to change or till i stop caring to deal. Frustrating To hell with the spackle, we're going to need more walls. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Allie - were you able to get any further in discussions with him on the depression? I agree with Tojaz that hubby needs to find some motivation and with you on the stubborness. It is time though for hubby to see how his depression is impeding the agreement for things to happen naturally. As long as he is in this state, it will be hard to hold him to the agreements. Even Dr. Harley addresses this in the Policy of Joint Agreements on the MB site. One choice is to sit down and have a very serious discussion, a non-threatening one, that in order for you both to be honoring the agreements he either needs to take the Rx that the doctor gave him or enter into some talk therapy with a counselor. Of course the choice to follow this is up to him as he is the one that is not honoring what he asked for in the first place, to allow things to progress naturally. One other thing, if he throws up the past, the lie...etc, then he has completely gone back on what he asked you to do which is not harp on it and bring it up. Granted, he may be going through an angry stage where he is still trying to process this past. The only thing you can do in that position is to check in with him on what he is feeling and not invalidate his feelings. Noting to him that he was mad when he left the day before, that was actually good because you let him be aware that you knew where his head was at. His silence in retort was also good as he knew not to make it an argument but process that he needs to be aware of his own behavior. Keep in mind, this needs to be done from a caring standpoint and not from the old Allie standpoint of trying to force anything. The concern is his getting help so he can be at a place to allow the recon to happen naturally. This doesn't have to be done immediately, with anything, my suggestion is to talk this over with your therapist to build yourself up to the point of approaching it with him in the right way and not giving into your fears or anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 To hell with the spackle, we're going to need more walls. :lmao: I'm imagining that Tojaz has a whole new house remodeling job going on now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 Dh and I talked. It actually went well considering. BUT he is no less closer to a decision then he was. We are going to talk Fri again! He said he just feels like when i ask stuff i roll my eyes at him and it makes him not want to talk openly at all. He said its just so maddening. He said its stuff like that and my paranoidness that turns him off. He says throughout this ive acted like a completly different person and that makes him doubt me. I explained im overly insecure and he said he gets that but he feels like talking to me is pointless because if i dont like what hes saying i throw a fit and storm off. I explained my issues... He agreed but said he thinks maybe we jumped the gun on to many agreements neither of us can keep then he sited he saw me drive by his work a few weeks ago, which i did! We talked a lot tonight and agreed to uphold 2 agreements! One of his choice and one of mine both which we agree on. So his request was for no pressuring him to get over his hurt! Mine was a weekly marriage check in every FRI! He agreed and so starts again. I just dont know! Today i was offered the Head Cheer Coaching position at a local HS! It would be a busy job but the fact it was offered to me is a big deal. Hubby thinks i should take it or at least look into it. He actually encouraged me! Why do i question his encouragement???? I actually thought he just wants rid of me so im not in his hair.. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Quick question....paring back on the agreements, ok. BUT....why was his only contribution about no pressuring for him to get over his hurt? Where do you think he feels that you have been pressuring him? And so what if he saw you drive by his work? He invited you to stop in as I recall. In addition, I tried to encourage you a couple of weeks ago to stop in and bring him dinner when he was working OT instead of driving by his work in PM...remember. A confident wife would do that hun. Confidence is something you have, not something a husband or a man gives you. His encouragement for you to take the Head Cheer Coaching position, I see that as positive, so why are you questioning it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 I dont know trippi he says the more i pressure him the angier he feels because ive promised him numerous times i would stop putting a "timeline" on him getting over this. He said hes trying but feeling pressured when hes not sure makes him feel like throwing in the towel. He said he asked me to ask him about ot not just drive by and then pretend i didnt. You told me to stop in but i didnt feel comfortable doing that so i didnt. My hesitation to take this job is because it would suck up a lot of time i could be spending with him and dd and as im still hopeful i just dont want to commit to something then be away from them lots. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 I dont know trippi he says the more i pressure him the angier he feels because ive promised him numerous times i would stop putting a "timeline" on him getting over this. He said hes trying but feeling pressured when hes not sure makes him feel like throwing in the towel. So let's take these one at a time, starting with this one. Have you been pressuring him? You had agreements to check in that HE agreed to, that's not pressure. Why did he regress and bring up that you are putting a timeline on him getting over anything? Did you talk about the counselor today, is that what he feels is pressure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 So let's take these one at a time, starting with this one. Have you been pressuring him? You had agreements to check in that HE agreed to, that's not pressure. Why did he regress and bring up that you are putting a timeline on him getting over anything? Did you talk about the counselor today, is that what he feels is pressure? I posted that but not sure where it is! The pressure was about last night i think the pressure to do something about depression and MC . He said hes doing better its just he is torn and hes fight amoungst himself with that. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Congratulations on having a good conversation with him Allie, don't down play the importance of that just because you don't feel it brought you any closer to a resolution. It's information, you know more now then you did before, thats exactly what you need right now.. information. I like the agreements you both decided to keep. I will suggest one addition. Hubbys definition of pressure is too ambiguous. He has shown in the past that just about anything can make him feel pressured. In the interest of communication I suggest that you ask him to let you know in moments he feels he's being pressured so you can better hold up your end (in his eyes) and you can gather some info on the actions that prompt him to retreat for future use. If you want to do the cheerleader job, then go for it. It will be good for you, and watching him give you the cold shoulder at home isn't doing you any service. Since he's there, a little space might not be a bad thing for someone who feels pressured all the time. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 So these agreements were made last night and the advice about how to handle discussion about depression and MC when? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 That same night/ early am of tuesday we talked past midnight. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thread starter, if you wish to add further comments or request further input on your issue, please alert on this post and request that the thread be re-opened. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Ok posting here again as opposed to starting another new thread. Because I am still working on reconcilation with hubby. Instead of counting the months its been from the fight or the first attempt of recon from here on out I am starting from Jan 3rd fresh. Because that is honestly the first real date I actually feel Hubby and I had begun on this. And it maybe a long long thread but that is the reality when attempting to recon it can take time and since I already had a quick recon before that wasnt long term and we fell back into more trouble. I may check out on this from time to time because as I work on me alot of negative comments have hurt me so as directed by counselor I signed off for a bit. An update for us is we are talking more and recently were able to talk about some sore subjects from this past summer and we did so like adults and it worked. Ive realized I used to be hard to talk to as my listening skills were not too considerate of hubby. With other they were goid but I think I tried to somewhat control his thoughts by cutting him off and getting mad when our opinions differed. Hubby seems a little more open to me asking him about his feelings on things that happened. I also discovered somethings he accused me if lying about this summer he no longer believes I lied. Thats to me is huge. Maybe im overreacted but he came to that on his own. I think for so long I was running around looking to prove myself which maybe made me look more suspect. When I finally stopped trying to prove myself eventually the truth surfaced and he saw things with his on eyes. There are still things I just wish would come back asap but baby steps. We didnt celebrate our birthdays or even valentines but I know he still isnt on board 100% yet with recon but there are indicator hes plans on staying in the marriage. The biggest issue is he is put up a huge lick on his heart with me and he is emotionally distant with me. With dd he is not that way hes open and more loving so im able to see that this emotional distance is with just me. Its hard because thats huge for us. I think if we could bring that wall down things would come into place smoother but it wont cone down overnight or even in a month or two. Im getting stronger though I have weak moments. I feel as long as I'm seeing progress I'm willing to keep trying. I'm hoping with time and unconditional love those walls can come down Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Wow my apologies on this post. I type way to fast to pick up my errors. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Wow my apologies on this post. I type way to fast to pick up my errors. I don't think we have any Grammar teachers here Allie, I think your safe. On your other post Allie, in the case of your husband I don't think looking at it like bringing the walls down. Your H is a very guarded person and those walls are always going to be very important to him and he's going to recoil at the thought of taking them down for anyone. Now, your going to say this is the same thing, and in your eyes it certainly is, but in his eyes and in conversations with him (and in MC) probably not, and that's whats going to make the difference..... Look at it like him unlocking a door. I can go anywhere i like if I'm willing to knock down a wall to get there, having someone unlock a door and invite me in is a privilege. It's an idea he will better relate to, and might help you relate to him. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Lets hope we can go back to MC. He isnt so sure he wants to. The way I see him is this guy that was so loving and sweet, opened doors, held my hand, complimented me, helped with anything, listened to me, iniated gestures and conversation and outings. To this guy that is here, will talk mostly by my iniation, will help with things. He seems to have no emotional connection like jennys hubby. He gasnt looked at me or been sweet till that first few days he came home and before that in Oct so for me hes a husband in the sense hes providing for his family and hes here and hell help DD but theres a lot missing. Hes witholding. Thats the hard part to have him feel or act as though he doesnt love me. I cant help but wonder if hes reacting to my lack of affection. I dont (anymore) put myself out there because i think i will get rejected by him and then have a tantrum over it. Lol. I have done that! I can say i have iniated a hug when he took care of me and he hugged me back, i wasnt rejected. Maybe i need to show him some love. I guess it doesnt need to be me throwing myself at him but there certainly shouldnt be shame in showing affection to husband. Right? I have seen him respond when i have stepped out of the box. When i stopped hiding in room and came out with him in living room he didnt chase me away. When i started talking he didnt run infact it opened the door. When i set the table he came and ate. He has been the type that needs pushed he does procrastinate. Always has been that way. I never had to push him for affection before except when we had that fight in april i iniated the toyching and he went with it. Never had to do before but im thinking hes unsure too and is prob feeling reculantant to put himself out there especially cause hes been hurt. Just thinking.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I know your just thinking Allie. It's really a tough call because you have to weigh risk v/s reward when it comes to trying to warm up to him again, and unfortunately it's not a place anyone here is going to be able to direct you, because none of us are able to be a fly on the wall at Allies house to judge his behavior/reaction. Best I could say would be that if you decide to stick your neck out there, to g o v e r y s l o o o o o w l y. Were talking gauging everything before moving on to something bigger, were talking starting from scratch, Jr.High type stuff. Seeing how often you get away with brushing up against him before you try and hold his hand etc. That's the best way I can think to describe it. Go slow, be consistent, and most important, know where the line is BEFORE you cross it. It will be better to stop short then push too far. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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