Author AllieKat Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Slow... Yes indeed!? I'm thinking like a hug here and there not hand holding or anything like that. Maybe a hug to say thanks for all your hard work and for doung this or that. That should be ok seeing as hes constantly doing things for me. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Doesn't sound like a terrible idea Allie, just try to keep the hugs friendly and not too intimate to start off with, maybe just try a quick one to start and then gradually ease in to a more meaningful hug as he gets used to the contact. If you try for a quick one and he pulls back you can always explain it away as a force of habit. give it a shot. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Today was first time that I recall anyone has been at my house since hubby and i have had issues. First time that he was home anyway. It was a very good friend of mine and someone very close to me and i did let him know ahead she was coming by so he didnt feel awkward. He didnt leave or even hide he stayed right in living room and was quiet and only spoke to her after she spoke to him first. It was very uncomfortable. He didnt even say hi to her kids! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I would plan a party... but I'm kind of a jerk! This goes back to before, with people telling you to move forward with your life. He's uncomfortable in the situation and with the tension in the house GOOD!!!! The whole time he was sitting there brooding, hes thinking about your situation, yet you didn't have to say a word, warned him in advance etc. He put himself in the situation and spent a good portion of that time justifying it to himself. That gets tiresome after awhile. I would stop being afraid to have people over Allie and in case you didn't notice it, I encourage it. He gets to pick his reactions, but that means he's looking at them. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Is that putting the cart before the horse just a tad on judging that we know what is in her hubby's mind? I mean if he was rude, ranting and causing a scene because the friend was there...okay, actions. I mean unless there is something that none of us know here, I'm just trying to go from Allie's post that it felt "uncomfortable" to HER..which again, may be over-analyzing just a bit? I pick apart Allie's post a little differently....a lot of negative thinking going on and judgement as if she knows what is in his head....and judging his actions based on insecurity still. Then again, it was only five sentences.... Sentence one: Set the scene Sentence two: a little scorn Sentence three: A little more scene setting, but setting up of mutual expectations perhaps. Sentence four: The actions Sentence five: DRAMA!!!! Sorry Allie, not trying to be negative here, I just don't understand the correlation that hubby did something wrong except he didn't live up to unsaid expectations. Was going to catch up on the intimacy post, but then this one hit and I'm just having a hard time figuring out the reaction to that....what is your gut instinct about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 My gut instinct was he did that to prove a point or to let it be known we are not in a good place. So she would know. Last night he informed me hes not doing mc anymore. I told him that upset me but he didnt seem to care. Its like he really just doesnt care about us and Im getting mad! I feel like hes walking on me. I think its time him and i have a talk. To be honest im scared to because im not sure i even want to know but i feel i deserve more than im getting and i dont find it fair anymore. Im scared to talk cause i know he may just leave but im scared to continue to except NOTHING Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 My gut instinct was he did that to prove a point or to let it be known we are not in a good place. So she would know. I guess I would ask how he has been with your best friend in the past when she has come over? And how he has been with her kids before? I'm sure it is possible that he was uncomfortable because he doesn't know what all you have said to your best friend and he knows that she is probably someone you confide in. Last night he informed me hes not doing mc anymore. I told him that upset me but he didnt seem to care. Its like he really just doesnt care about us and Im getting mad! I feel like hes walking on me. I think its time him and i have a talk. To be honest im scared to because im not sure i even want to know but i feel i deserve more than im getting and i dont find it fair anymore. Im scared to talk cause i know he may just leave but im scared to continue to except NOTHING Did he just come right out and say that about the MC out of the blue? He wasn't reacting to anything other than what he was thinking in his own head? It's just interesting how you went from a good convo the other day where he says he now believes you to him not wanting to do MC. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 My gut instinct was he did that to prove a point or to let it be known we are not in a good place. So she would know. Last night he informed me hes not doing mc anymore. I told him that upset me but he didnt seem to care. Its like he really just doesnt care about us and Im getting mad! I feel like hes walking on me. I think its time him and i have a talk. To be honest im scared to because im not sure i even want to know but i feel i deserve more than im getting and i dont find it fair anymore. Im scared to talk cause i know he may just leave but im scared to continue to except NOTHING Unfortunately Allie, that wasn't unexpected after the way he left the other group so abruptly. Did he cite a reason for not wanting to continue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 About friend normall hed be very friendly say hi and talk to kids and etc. im sure he was uncomfortable but he choose to stay. As for MC i had said yesterday that we should see if we can do one extra one each month on our own w/o insurance and thats when he said i dont want to go back. I said OH, is there a reason why? He said i just dont want to! I asked if something had upset him there and he said no. i told him i really thought hed stick with it for us and that him quitting made me worry if there would be an us. i then asked "Are you planning on screwing me over" not even sure what i meant or how he interupted it but his response was No! so i dunno what to think. His mood is all over the place. One day I feel like we have a moment the next I feel like its back to yes/no answers and crappy cold treatment. My anxietyis peeking again to because of it. Im back to wondering if hes cheating again and i just dont know what to do. I feel like if i look at his actions alone this is a man who has no interest in saving or working on this marriage and is ok with being roomates instead. Which is crazy to me but Im not wanting to shake that tree yet. If i go by his words im screwed. He makes lots of hints at the future like we should shop car insurance rates because of his accident in Dec our rates are going up in Aug., he said next year we should get wings for the superbowl earlier, talks about redoing our cell plan in June to get better rate too and he just renewed our cable contract for a year. Not that all that mean much its just bills but we have been trying to cut costs on things we dont use or need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 I send hubby a text this am and ask him if he would like to go to lunch today and he replies no im not comfortable with that! I called him and asked why he said he just isnt. Well im getting fed up with thisi get the feeling he doesnt want me at his work forever reason maybe its someone else idunno but i told him im coming over then to talk regardless Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Thank you Allie, I feel it's important to see the big picture of the dynamics rather than just a small piece of it, that would be the conversation and how it came about. We could make assumptions that he just blurted it out instead of saying it in a general conversation. At any rate, I do know how you feel and I know first-hand what limbo feels like. However, our situations are not the same, just feelings about it similar if that makes any sense. I agree with Tojaz that hubby is not keeping a very good track record on staying with anything that would make him have to take a closer look at himself. If he is not going to do the MC, perhaps it is time to go back and re-negotiate the agreements with buffers of what you really want from him and your marriage? This time, insist that he has to stick to it because your state of mind in this is just as important to you as his state of mind is to him. What can you both live with? Tell him that you want the intimacy back in your marriage, you know that is going to take time and work, but you can see that it impacts your feelings toward each other on a day to day basis. Ask for what you want, but also be okay with the end result as he may be unable to give. That's a hard lesson to learn when someone has emotionally checked out of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 We got in fight on phone i told him he should know by now if he wants our marriage to work and he said i guess i dont then!! Im so frustrated i guess i should take a hint already and get out but its soooooo hard i love him. Dont know why but i do Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 We got in fight on phone i told him he should know by now if he wants our marriage to work and he said i guess i dont then!! Im so frustrated i guess i should take a hint already and get out but its soooooo hard i love him. Dont know why but i do i`m sorry allie i really am again This is going to go on until and now forever You want it. He doesn`t!! He is being a wimp. He isn`t man enough to tell you that he`s done He has no balls. You have done all you can in the last few months to express that what you done and say sorry Everyone on here KNOWS how sorry you are!! You have done ALL you can in my eyes:) Time to step back time to give more to you and less to him? If he really wanted you he wouldn`t be making this so difficult would he? You won`t be alone by letting go trust me ( for once) keep your chin up You`ll do ok aM Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 18, 2013 Author Share Posted February 18, 2013 Am- ty your words are correct! This time!! ;-) Hubby and i had it out at his work! I told him this insecurity regardless of what pills im given etc etc is being perpetuated by his inaction in our marriage. And i said if you want things to work you gotta put some effort in and if you dont say so, so that i can get on with my life. He said he cant get over what i did and he will move out. I agreed! So he is leaving as soon as lease is up. Which is fine so i can find a small apt for dd and! He was a jerk the whole time, cocky and with a huge chip! I told him he gave me mixed signals he said no he didnt but he apologized for saying " i love you"! Jerk!!! I told him i thought he was an ass and i pulled away and went and pulled in next to his car. I said this car is in my name i want in it. So he let me in. I searched that car like a pro!! Lol his wallet was in there and i searched that too. Found nothing!! But thats ok i wasnt wanting to find anything but wanted in. He didnt seem to care i went through his wallet. So i left went and cried on a shoulder or too because this plain sucks! When i came home i made up my mind what i would and wouldnt say. I told him i shouldnt of come to his work but now that i know where he stands and what he wants i can move on and know i tried my best. He said that i dont understand how filled with insecurity he is now and now he doesnt trust his instincts etc since this all. He said he doubt himself so much. I just said well you make a choice to let that happen. He said he cant help it he just cant seem to get over this doubt he feels. Including for me. He said he doesnt know if it will pass or not. I told him he needs to try talking about it with soneone. He said that doesnt help. Im not sure if he was trying to tell me he needs more time or he wants to get over this but either way im holding my ground and just "doing me"! I cant assume he was trying to get sympathy and me to give him time. He knows what he had so he can either get it back or let it fly. Im just going to act as if we are divorcing and begin my preparing and grieving. It feels like its over so as sad as i am! I wont let him see it! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 18, 2013 Share Posted February 18, 2013 Allie, I read this, and every word he spoke was a carefully placed jab. The only thing I would say to him is that there is no reason for him to wait until the lease is up and that it would probably be best if he leaves now, and otherwise you have nothing more to say to him. Then stick to that! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I'm sorry Allie, I know this isn't how you wanted things to turn out. I know you have said the lease is an issue, but I would not have given him to July or allowed him to set the timeline. I just don't think 5 more months of him being around now is going to be good for you or dd now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 I asked him to leave but he refuses sited his name on lease. He offer to take his name off lease but financially i would struggle so it would be better financially to just to let it be! It sucks either way stay or go! When we talked at home it was calm, cool and collected. Im sure ppl will think im crazy but i do think he cant get over it and he genuiely seemed so sad but i cant change him or fix things. I did tell him im over the issues and have made my ammends its not my burden any longer. He isnt a jerk but when i come at him i do push his buttons just to piss him off. Thats something i should never of done but i did. And we both act very immature when we disagree. We just trade tit for tat. Sad actually! Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 I asked him to leave but he refuses sited his name on lease. He offer to take his name off lease but financially i would struggle so it would be better financially to just to let it be! It sucks either way stay or go! When we talked at home it was calm, cool and collected. Im sure ppl will think im crazy but i do think he cant get over it and he genuiely seemed so sad but i cant change him or fix things. I did tell him im over the issues and have made my ammends its not my burden any longer. He isnt a jerk but when i come at him i do push his buttons just to piss him off. Thats something i should never of done but i did. And we both act very immature when we disagree. We just trade tit for tat. Sad actually! yes he is a `jerk` stop beating yourself up over it you really need to done 1 little thing well ok its not little its huge its a huge thing for you cos i know you and, well i know you you need to let go now stop hanging onto something that isn`t there he left ages ago. you know it ( i SURE know it) Allie...dont be scared ok? you are beginning a new chapter a new page be strong (for me?) aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 remember all the `****ty` messages i used to send you? i DO feel your pain and i have known all along that this would come to this and i`m sorry aM Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 i`m so sorry aM Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Allie, Is your name on the lease? If so, have you looked into seeing if it can be taken off? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted February 19, 2013 Author Share Posted February 19, 2013 My name is on the lease as well. Either one of us can get our names off but the other has to sign off on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Ask him if he will let you out or ask the landlord if you can get out of the lease. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 My name is on the lease as well. Either one of us can get our names off but the other has to sign off on it. If thats all it takes, then why the heck has he been throwing the fact he's on the lease around every chance he gets??? Ask him if he will let you out or ask the landlord if you can get out of the lease. I'm curious to hear the answer to that one as well. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2013 Share Posted February 19, 2013 Allie - He's told you what you needed to know...he doubts himself, he doubts you, he doubts the marriage. Time for him to go off and figure things out on his own and you stated that he had a buddy he could live with before. It's time to tell him to sign off on taking his name off the lease. I know you are holding on and hoping, but you have to do this with no expectations of the outcome now. If you don't want to live like this anymore, the only person who is going to change it is you. Link to post Share on other sites
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