Coralle Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Has anyone successfully stopped an A with your AP? If so, how did you do it without destroying your friendship? Edited November 2, 2012 by Coralle Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Who's married/commited? Are you friends with the spouse too? If there was a friendship before the A, and if the AP wants to keep that friendship, I believe an honest discussion about some distance after ending the A, followed by resuming the friendship would work. If the discussion is not succesful, the friendship has been destroyed in the process. Ending the A might cost you the friendship, but it must have crossed your mind when the boundary was crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
suki1 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I hate to say it but, from personal experience and from watching others that is not possible or even preferable. Think about it, this person has you on their hook. If you are around them they will find ways to make "friends" become more. If you want out, get out and put as much distance between you as possible. It will hurt like hell on a hot day but it will be the best thing you ever did once the pain subsides 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Coralle, are you a man or a woman, and what are your reasons for wanting to stop the affair? If you don't mind me asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coralle Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Coralle, are you a man or a woman, and what are your reasons for wanting to stop the affair? If you don't mind me asking. I'm a woman. I want out because even though we've never had that "leave your W for me" chat, I know he won't... and I wouldn't want him to anyhow. I still love him and it really breaks my heart that I'm not with him. I care about him a lot and he cares about me too. We've been friends forever. It's just a big mess. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Has anyone successfully stopped an A with your AP? If so, how did you do it without destroying your friendship? I think when people usually attempt to break up while still maintaining friendships it usually results in disaster. In a break up, you have to focus on breaking up before worrying about being friends. If friendship is to occur, with time, it can...but trying to juggle the two at the same time, as in immediately end a R and be friends, no. With an A that is even more awkward. My exAP and I had to be in NC for a year. After that we weren't bffs. We emailed sporadically, but there was really no way to maintain a close friendship post-A. First off we still loved each other and had chemistry so there was no way to be platonic, so our friendship really was just once in a while convos. So no...not sure how you can be friends. I will say though, that when you're so close you often think you can't lose the "friendship" of the R. But sorry, life goes on. I tried to be one of my ex's friend for 2 years, it was a waste. We were NEVER friends...we dated and were lovers and the friendship was built in to the romance, there was no way for us to just single the friendship out. But surprisingly, I'm not his friend and it's fine. It's hard to think about initially but it can and does happen and you do end up feeling fine about it. Also, if you used to be friends, the truth is sometimes crossing the line into an A or romance forever changes the friendship and you can't simply rewind and just be friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 You will never be 'friends' again. You destroyed that when you crossed that line. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 I agree with others, no friendship is possible. Friendship can turn into love, but 'love' never turns into friendship. Trying to being friends, you both will suffer a lot and it deprives you of the time to heal. This is my personal experience. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Friendship *is* possible - but not immediately. It usually takes a great deal of time and separation. I am friends - now - with most of my Ex's but those friendships could not exist immediately after the relationship ended. You need that time apart for the emotions of a red-hot love that still exist to cool down to simple pink-toned love of affection and care. Go NC and touch base in six months or a year. If you still desire and have romantic feelings, then it is still too early for a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 There's no putting the toothpaste back into the tube, once it's been squeezed out. Like Carrie T said---only with NC for a huge amount of time, is it possible to become "just friends". Another point to add---if you're keeping a former lover in tow as a friend a few years down the road--even if it IS completely platonic--both parties could be sabotaging their chances of finding a new love. There are a lot of people who will raise their eyebrow about a new romantic prospect having an ex in close orbit. It's a natural assumption that someone is trying to keep their foot in the door. (I learned that the hard way-I kept an exbf as a best friend & business partner for a few years, and didn't realize that it kept other guys from approaching me for a date. Turned out my exbf was still being territorial with me--and I was too blind to see it. We'd be at the same social event, and anytime a guy would start talking to me, my exbf would be there within a few minutes, inserting himself into the conversation. I never noticed until a third party pointed it out to me. He didn't want to commit to me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. ) Link to post Share on other sites
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