Insecurity and having a hard time listening & accepting

[CherryT]

Hi,

 

I'm new here... but could use some insight.

 

- A few years ago I was in a very bad relationship. I was emotionally abused and eventually cheated on. I was with him for 4 years. The first year or two, he was absolutely perfect and when I fell in love, he became this monster. After I left, I didn't date for 5 years.

 

- Those 5 years gave me the best years to develop who I am today. I worked hard in my career and was above the curve and was able to create financial stability and allowed me to purchase my home sooner than any of my friends. It felt great to really develop myself and be completely self sufficient.

 

- Within those 5 years, I've always dated, but never committed into a bf/gf relationship.

 

- Fast forward to 4 months ago. I met someone not in my city... we live about 3.5 hours (plane ride) away from one another. He's been great and has never given me any doubts. He knows my previous dating history and that my ex had cheated on me.

 

- Lately, I've been getting this sense of insecurity creeping back up that I haven't felt since I was in my last relationship. Although the communication hasn't changed with the both of us, even though we are long distance, he talks to me everyday throughout the day... maybe give a few hour break during the work day. He's hands on in his job and I'm generally in meetings all day... I still feel distant. But when I think about it, we're communicating pretty much every waking minute despite during the work day. We both have careers, why would I expect him to message me every single hour? He tells me he misses me all the time, he's always the first to message me in the morning since he's up before me... everything he's doing seems right.

 

I'm thinking maybe I'm starting to fall hard and I don't want to lose him. The relocation thing is not a problem as I would be willing to move to him, I have opportunities with my company to relocate... I just don't want to make that move until we've been together for some time.

 

I worked so hard to be secure and I don't want to paint him with the same brush as my ex, because he doesn't deserve that. I just can't seem to listen when he tells me he misses me or things he wants to do. I tend to brush it off and not trust it. And when I get my bouts of insecurity, my head goes "this is too good to be true. Does he miss me? Does he care"... and I can't seem to listen or accept what he says to me at that time.

Edited November 2, 2012 by CherryT

[sweetkiwi]

you're stuck in a self perpetuating cycle. You need love but you are afraid. You need validation but you don't believe it when you hear it. You need to get your self respect back and stop those negative thoughts in their tracks. You are whole and good and if you don't believe it you sure **** won't believe it when someone else says it.

[CherryT]

I agree, SweetKiwi. I'm not sure how I can get that back... up until now, I really believed and felt that I had my self respect back. Now, maybe it's the distance... and this is the first time we've spent more than a month a part... I've began going back into that cycle. I take things personally... even small things like "you can't compete". We always have light, competitive bets going and yesterday for some reason, I wasn't in the mood... so he just made a joke about my response to a bet saying, "that was bad. You can't compete... no comeback" which is very normal and instead of me rising to the challenge like I normally do, I took it extremely personal and felt like I was being a bore.

 

This is such a foreign feeling that I haven't felt in so long. I want to bounce back... and I'm recognizing it. I just need to find a way to stop the thoughts and learn to accept what he says and feel it. Not just accept it and hear it, but feel it in my body and heart. If he tells me he misses me, feel that again... versus shrugging it off which isn't healthy.

Edited November 3, 2012 by CherryT

[River Rain]

- Lately, I've been getting this sense of insecurity creeping back up that I haven't felt since I was in my last relationship. Although the communication hasn't changed with the both of us, even though we are long distance, he talks to me everyday throughout the day... maybe give a few hour break during the work day. He's hands on in his job and I'm generally in meetings all day... I still feel distant. But when I think about it, we're communicating pretty much every waking minute despite during the work day. We both have careers, why would I expect him to message me every single hour? He tells me he misses me all the time, he's always the first to message me in the morning since he's up before me... everything he's doing seems right.

 

I'm thinking maybe I'm starting to fall hard and I don't want to lose him. The relocation thing is not a problem as I would be willing to move to him, I have opportunities with my company to relocate... I just don't want to make that move until we've been together for some time.

 

I worked so hard to be secure and I don't want to paint him with the same brush as my ex, because he doesn't deserve that. I just can't seem to listen when he tells me he misses me or things he wants to do. I tend to brush it off and not trust it. And when I get my bouts of insecurity, my head goes "this is too good to be true. Does he miss me? Does he care"... and I can't seem to listen or accept what he says to me at that time.

 

I'll be honest...the way you describe yourself is the way I would describe my ex. We were in a LDR. He brought his old baggage into our relationship. I was always available to him whenever he wanted to talk, we were having great communication (or so it seemed), but he would project his insecurities all over me, without my knowledge and I always felt something was wrong, though he wouldn't say. He was so insecure that he actually broke up with me. I had no clue why until we reconciled last week. But he didn't leave the baggage at the door again, and now he's lost me for good. You said you don't want to lose him, so you have to work hard at not treating him like he's your ex. It's not fair to do that, I know personally. When you start having doubts, stop yourself and remind yourself of how good things are. And why not just talk to him about it?

[CherryT]

you're stuck in a self perpetuating cycle. You need love but you are afraid. You need validation but you don't believe it when you hear it. You need to get your self respect back and stop those negative thoughts in their tracks. You are whole and good and if you don't believe it you sure **** won't believe it when someone else says it.

 

I'll be honest...the way you describe yourself is the way I would describe my ex. We were in a LDR. He brought his old baggage into our relationship. I was always available to him whenever he wanted to talk, we were having great communication (or so it seemed), but he would project his insecurities all over me, without my knowledge and I always felt something was wrong, though he wouldn't say. He was so insecure that he actually broke up with me. I had no clue why until we reconciled last week. But he didn't leave the baggage at the door again, and now he's lost me for good. You said you don't want to lose him, so you have to work hard at not treating him like he's your ex. It's not fair to do that, I know personally. When you start having doubts, stop yourself and remind yourself of how good things are. And why not just talk to him about it?

 

We're fairly new into our relationship (4 months), we haven't really talked about the insecurity. I know I feel it, but I try very hard to not show it. I don't put it on him and get mad or give him the silent treatment. I tackle through it and try and act as normal as possible during those bouts of self doubt. Eventually, I know it'll just start to come out... because it's something most people can't hide. I don't treat him like my ex, but the feeling of being scared of being mistreated or tricked comes back from it. I feel there's a wall and I'm sure he's sensed it since day one... but it's probably more prominent in my head now. I very much internalize it myself and try not to show it at all, if I can. Which eats at me.

 

We've always said that we feel we both have the same values in life, but we were brought up differently. He had a very happy home whereas I witnessed a lot of struggle and I've developed as a "protector" in my family. It's hard to break that hard shell and he's a very warm, happy person. I'm not comfortable talking about my insecurities because I feel like I can work them through on my own... which isn't working for me.

 

I feel halfway there... at times when I recognize these feelings I tell myself that jealousy or insecurity is stemmed from low self esteem. Whatever is in my head are stories I'm telling myself and not actually reality because it's not what he's showing me. It's just getting over that hump and feeling consistently secure that's difficult.

Edited November 3, 2012 by CherryT

[River Rain]

I think you hit the nail on the head, it doesn't matter how much you hide it, he will feel it. I don't think that 4 months into the relationship is too early to talk about your insecurity. He sounds like he cares about you a lot, it could go a long way if he's there to reassure you as you're working on your own self-esteem and confidence.

[CherryT]

I think you hit the nail on the head, it doesn't matter how much you hide it, he will feel it. I don't think that 4 months into the relationship is too early to talk about your insecurity. He sounds like he cares about you a lot, it could go a long way if he's there to reassure you as you're working on your own self-esteem and confidence.

 

Thanks for this, I appreciate it. I think I will bring it up. We don't talk about ex's. We have a few times just to get an idea of where we've both been, but we never divulged into it in details. Maybe by telling him a little more about what has happened with me, I would feel more comfortable talking about certain triggers. And who knows, he may have certain quirks he's trying to move past as well.

 

The insecurity really started about a week ago or it became a factor about a week ago. Prior to that, we were pretty much perfect and then something switched.

Edited November 3, 2012 by CherryT

[River Rain]

You don't have to get into details about the ex, but in all fairness to him, it would be good to talk to him about so he can have a better understanding of you. Just make sure he knows you're not comparing him to the ex, and that you're working on it. It's always a risk to open up to someone because you don't know how they'll react, but you know him well enough to know if he's the type who has that empathy or not.

[CherryT]

You are totally right.

 

We talked for a few hours yesterday over skype. I'm not sure if he sensed what was going on since I've only been feeling this for a few days, but he totally reassured me without me having to tell him. After he reassured me, I just let him know that I do get insecure. It is because of past experiences but I KNOW (in my head with 100% confidence) that he's not like that... so give me time and I'm working through it. He is very supportive... and I think it woke me up. I just realized how crazy the last few days of me feeling that way has been. Nothing I thought was actually real and when we had a chance to talk deeper into it, I knew it was all me and he hadn't done anything wrong.

 

I needed something like this to look back on for when my minds starts to wander. I am serious about getting over this hump and our convo yesterday just proved that my insecurities were getting the best of me and I was reacting to him in a way he didn't deserve. Instead of trusting him, he is already proving himself, I need to trust myself so I can accept what he's giving me and give him what he deserves.

 

Today I am happy.

[River Rain]

I'm so glad to hear this!