Cacophony Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Hi, I'm a newbie, but have read some great advise here and hope to offer some as I get to know the board. I am divorced from a marriage where I'd bet my life there was never any infidelity, so this is new for me. My boyfriend of 4 years and I are soulmates (his words), share successful careers, and seperate homes where we are raising our kids. Our goal is to run a business together after the children are off, and for the most part, we get on well. Marriage was a future maybe, but we often talk about our future. I feel I am an attractive person inside and out with much to offer, and he tells me regularly how "amazing" I am. So after my birthday weekend where he went all out for me, I stumbled onto his email account (his son and mine were playing a game on his pc, and I was about to check my email.) On the screen was what I found to be a erotic dating site, and a screen name and password he was assigned a month ago. He kept the email, so this said to me it wasn't spam. This morning I checked out the site from my pc. Sure enough, there was a bio he wrote on himself a month ago looking for an erotic sex partner to share a discrete relationship, and all the details on how he can give pleasure. Mentioned, outrageously, was a bit about his erectile dysfunction--something he has chosen to do nothing about medically, but he discounted it in what he has to offer to a lucky reader. He did state he was straight. I'm a lucky girl ;o) We have (or had) an outstanding sex life, even with his ED. I've worked hard to come up with ways to pleasure him, and he goes wild each time, although laments that he'd really like to orgasm inside of me. I've tried everything I could to help him with this, but I think the balls in his court, so to speak. He will not seek help. I do not think he has acted upon this fantasy (oh yeah, he ordered up a threesome on the site too) and when I snooped it out, it appears he visited it one time only. Why did I snoop? Because he did this at the beginning of our relationship with a real woman when things were new and outstanding between us, which I never understood...I gave him an ultimatum then, her or me, and the time to think about it--he chose me. He then did the web thing again last year, and apologized profusely when I caught him, again. So to read his wish list on the screen AGAIN as our kids played in the next room just ripped my guts out. After we had a family dinner and he again glowed about how amazing I am. He noticed the change when he came in the house, and I just gathered my son to leave--it was everything I could do not to fall apart. He called to see that I got home safe, because he had no clue I read his stuff and didn't know what was wrong with me (he had run to the store when I read the slime). So what to do--yes all people can be tempted to cheat. He has a history, but in no way is a player beyond his own imagination. He does seem to have a knack at destroying things when they are great (a trait his young son is honing well). I think he needs psych and medical help, and I want him to get it. I have not confronted him yet. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Kasey70 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I think you should confront him. Then the both of you should sit down and discuss what needs to be done for this relationship to continue. I do think he needs help, however he has to make that choice. Most people get help when they feel they need to or are ready to do so. Not because someone has said something about it. Then sometimes if they do go, its out of obligation because of what their spouse/so wanted, and it rarely works out. You need to ask him how important the realtionship is to him and if hes willing to work on it. Also, until he does get some kind of help for whats going on, you can probably expect his behavior to continue. You stated that he has a history. I'm assuming of cheating? If so, you need to ask yourself do you really want to be involved with someone like that. Please understand though, I'm a firm believer in the fact people can change, but its up to them to do so. Hope all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cacophony Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 Thanks Kasey. I spent years blaming myself for what turned out to be his ED problems..."if only I was thinner, if I was this or that." It took getting some help for me to realize it wasn't about me. He had similar ED problems when he was married, and with a few people he dated. He did consult a doctor about 6 months ago, and she told him she felt it was not a physical problem--but he never went further. Re the cheating, he hasn't consumated a relationship to my *knowledge* but he has dated behind my back and flirted, its a pattern, almost on purpose. Again, let me be clear, he is SO not a player but I do think he has some very deep seeded insecurities he never worked though. I truly feel he's too scared to initiate sex with someone else--not because of how it would hurt me, but because he doesn't have the nerve to try. And you're right, I deserve much better than this. I'm hurt and angry, but do love this man, but I am worn thin. Link to post Share on other sites
aPpLe JuIcE Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 Sweetie you're in for a long hard road if you stay with him. He won't change until he's ready to...if he's ever ready to... I'm going to say that you should fight for him, just make sure it's worth fighting for. If he won't seek help then you can't make him...and things won't get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cacophony Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 So I did confront him. Asked him to stop over and help me with something in the house so it wouldn't play out on the phone. When he got here, I told him that I felt he was looking online for what we had going on together, just a newer, fresher version of me. He denied everything. Then I showed him his post. His face NEVER flinched a muscle, and he insisted then that although he did post it, it was during one of our breakups. I asked him why it was dated last month then, as we were back together at that point. He swears there have not been other women since we went monogomous, even during out breakups. He swore on his children's life that his trollings online are all fantasy, and he would never answer if he was contacted. (He hasn't been, I've checked). Again, this guy is not a player. He admitted to enjoying porn. His ex wife berated him for it, and he said she made him feel small. I told him I had no problem with porn--it was the fact he was posting for a body. One thing to note, he does not subscribe to these sites, ie pay for them. Again, I checked. I do believe it is a fantasy. He also said that he was feeling fine about us until I BROUGHT THIS UP and that he was upset I wanted to talk about it under false pretenses, even though I did need help with something in my home. I responded that as he was cornered, I could understand that, but really, don't even try to flip the subject. We are going to talk this weekend and spend time together. Things have settled a bit this week, but I have a feeling I don't like. I'm 44, not a youngster, and if I was reading this, would say "move on sis." But I know in my heart that he is an intelligent, good, brilliant person, I adore him---he also is very insecure and whatever this voyeaur thing is about, it does something for him. I do not want to monitor him going forward, I want to trust him. I want a partner that can enjoy me--we do the things he's wishing for, and unless he is the best actor on this planet (totally doubtful) he is happy. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 Honey, First of all. My heart goes out to you. Second of all. You guys are dealing with kids in the picture. You have more to consider than just each other. Fantasy is a lovely thing. When its not a lovely thing is when it is sneaky and hurtful. How would he have reacted to have found similar things on your PC? I keep saying it...look into therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cacophony Posted August 6, 2004 Author Share Posted August 6, 2004 agreed about the children rowan. esp as we've agreed that we didnt want to marry for at least 5 more years in order not to disrupt their lives. the time our kids spend together is limited--as is ours together. we truly enjoy the time we spend together every other weekend. it's been this way for 4 years, so the kids get limited interraction--and they get on great to boot. although he has looked into medical help, he has not pursued it after he was told it could be psychological. i think this is a big part of the porn thing. this is a most loving person, but he can go cold quickly, almost childlike, esp when he's "caught" or gets stressed--i think he may have wanted to be caught. how do you get someone to get help, esp in an area (for guys) thats so touchy to begin with? you're right, its the sneakiness thats the killer. beyond the ED tho, i think he needs help with insecurity in general, alot Link to post Share on other sites
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