Stress over divorcing a cheater

[bananagal]

Hi all, I am new here, have read a few threads and am looking for input and/or reassurance.

 

A summary of my story - married for almost 20 years, H cheated on me while pregnant with our first child 15 years ago. Not a one night stand, went on for a couple months and only ended when they got caught by her husband. Lots and lots of lies to cover it up, this was no impulse thing. Never really showed remorse or took responsibility, tried to blame me for causing it... terrible situation.

 

I was pregnant and scared so stayed with him. I was shellshocked and terrified to be a single mom. I was determined to make it work and be one of those success stories of couples that ended up stronger after an affair. Never really got over it though, it still hurts to this day.

 

Another affair 5 or 6 years ago with a co-worker. Again did not leave him, we had 2 young kids, 8 and 10, I was a SAHM and just felt absolutely immobilized, did not know what to do. Tried to just deal with it and hope things would change. Crazy right? Lots of other girls over the years that were email, text, office flirtations. He googles every girl who catches his eye (I had our computer monitored so I could see what he was up to all these years. Sickening)

 

We gradually have been falling apart. I quit having sex with him, slowly grew to hate him, tried to put on a smile around the kids and act like we were a happy family. The kids are our focus, we are both very devoted to them so we were able to keep going.

 

But it has been killing me, I've gotten more and more depressed over the years. It's time to go.

 

I have seen a lawyer and know what I need to do. I have finally told the whole story to my family and they are all shocked but in full support of my leaving him. I am working now and between my job and spousal/child support and my parents help I can make it financially. Kids are 13 and 15 and well adjusted, I do think they will be OK after the initial upheaval is done. (hoping to get everything going after the holidays)

 

He does not want a divorce, claims he is a total "boy scout" now. He is acting really angry and seems to be blaming me for breaking up the family. He is very immature and I swear I feel like I am married to a teenager. He never accepts any responsibility for anything he has ever done. I know I have not been the perfect wife but I am pretty easy to get along with, have always been supportive of him, and would never do anything to hurt him like he has.

 

So my problem is I know I want to leave. The marriage is 100% over and has been for a long time. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him, when we are both home it is terribly stressful and awkward. Every day I look at houses for sale and dream about living on my own with out him and finally having a chance to be happy and free.

 

But yet I wake up in the middle of the night and have such panic thinking "what am i doing??" I feel terribly guilty about taking him away from the kids and the kids away from him. I DO feel like I am breaking up the family, even though it is his actions that caused me to get to this point. I am so stressed and sick to my stomach all the time.

 

Is this normal? I keep telling myself divorce is a stressful thing so of course I am going to feel conflicted. It is the biggest decision I have ever made, so I really should look at it from all angles. And when I talk myself through it and reflect on all that has happened, I always come to the same conclusion - the divorce is the right thing to do. But yet I feel so guilty. I know he is devastated about losing his house and his family and daily time with the kids and I can't help but feel terrible about that, despite all that he has done to hurt me.

 

I have not had any counseling and have thought about it... I know it would help. Honestly I just don't feel like rehashing the whole thing with someone and pay them a lot of money to come to the conclusion that yes we need to get a divorce. My mom and my sister have been great listeners and rational advice givers and they are in full support of our divorce.

 

Has anyone here been through this and felt the same conflicted feelings? I don't know what I am even looking for here, just some kindred spirits who can tell me it will be OK.

 

Thank you for reading if you are still with me!

[KathyM]

You should see a counselor, who will help you get unstuck and able to make a decision on this. You are afraid of change, afraid of the unknown, and as long as these fears are driving you, you will stay stuck. You need to come to a place where you understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and love--not lied to or cheated on. The longer you wait, the less time you will have to enjoy your new life with someone you can trust.

[Steen719]

Our stories are somewhat similar

I was married 22 years and my XH cheated on me 8 years into the marriage, a 5 month affair that I discovered after I had already decided that if he didn't love me, I needed to move on. I stayed, we rocked on and had some good years and some bad. It is hard to get over what that does to you, I agree, and it has some long term affects that may be overlooked in your effort to get things back to "normal". Year 20 of our marriage, he gets ill (3 hospitalizations, had to stop work, we had major financial problems because of it) and then had a transplant July 2010. Found Facebook Dec. 2011 and started relationship with ex gf in March 2011. Anyway, much more info (inappropriate online stuff w/ other women) and you can find it if you look at my posts, particularly the first few, but I decided to divorce him. He blamed me for everything, even one day said it was my fault that he had to have a transplant because it "happened on my watch". Can you imagine how much in denial you would have to be to blame everything on someone else, even something like this?

 

Bananagal, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I believed that my life would be monitoring him to see what he was up to and honestly, I felt that he could not love me if he could do the things he was doing. That hurt me, really hurt after I had done so much for him, through his illness and really, all through our marriage and had been faithful and while not perfect, I tried to make him happy.

 

I saw a psychologist and I am glad I did. He was fairly direct with me and while he said the choice was mine, he asked some good questions that made me realize some reasons I was hesitating.

 

So, I know this is all about me - but I did want you to know that our situations are similar in some ways.

 

I think it would be unusual if you did not feel conflicted if you decided to divorce you H and had no conflicted feelings. A longtime poster (Steadfast, I think) here told me when I said that it was just so hard, that of course it should hurt. We put a lot into a marriage and when it is long-term and you have children and a life together, it is a huge change in your life. You have good memories also, so it is very difficult to come to that decision.

 

Go see a counselor. Get some perspective from a person who sees this type of situation frequently and can help you maneuver through your feelings, even if you know in your heart that it is what you need to do. They (a good one) can help you look at it from all angles, as you want to.

 

For what it is worth - maybe just my .02 - I think that deciding to leave a serial cheater is a rational decision and I also think that if you did not feel conflicted, it would not necessarily be a good thing. Good luck to you, really, I hope things work out for you and that you can find some peace. {{{HUGS}}}

[bananagal]

Thank you both for your responses, I truly appreciate it.

 

KathyM, thank you for your response. I think you are right. I am scared, that is what it boils down to. I feel ready in many ways... I am very capable, already run my current household with very little help from him, he does just about nothing. I know I can do it but it is just mind boggling how to get from here to there. I guess I need some guidance from a counselor to think more clearly about it all.

 

Steen719, thank you for sharing your experience and your kind words, they are truly meaningful to me. I will go back and read your old posts, I would like to see the responses you got. I am glad you have made it through to the other side! I hope your life is happy now.

 

One line you wrote especially hit home with me, that you thought you would have to spend the rest of your life monitoring what he does. That is exactly how I feel. Because I know I can never ever trust him to be honest with me. He thinks the stuff he does is "no big deal" and "means nothing". I beg to differ. It has left me a mess. There is no doubt in my mind that this marriage is over.

 

So I will call a counselor Monday. I have a couple in mind, I just have to get it set up. Thank you both for encouraging me. It is time for me to take control and get out of this mess.

[so_difficult]

Hi Bananagal, I have just left a marriage that has many differences to yours but many similarities as well. Please read my story if you're interested. I left about a month and a half ago now and have my own apartment but I still suffer from feelings of guilt. To the point that I pay all the expenses for him to live in our house and then pay for a basement apartment for myself to live in. BUT I do believe every week I'm getting better and better and seeing more and more that I did the right thing and should have done it long ago.

 

No matter what, it's not an easy road. But neither is staying in a marriage where you're not happy. I find myself often feeling sad, and in asking myself why I realize I'm mourning what I thought marriage would be and who/what I expected him to be, not the marriage itself.

 

All the best to you. You will need strength but I'm sure you have it.

[2sure]

He blamed you for his cheating and now is blaming you for wanting a divorce. That's the biggest thing and that hasn't changed.

[Steen719]

He blamed you for his cheating and now is blaming you for wanting a divorce. That's the biggest thing and that hasn't changed.

 

and...my XH did the exact same thing!! Go figure. Some people never "get it".

 

And yes, that has not changed!

[trippi1432]

Hi Banagal - I can tell you from experience, my daughter was 3 years old when I refused to take my unfaithful first exH back. I was scared, had no formal education, no car (lost the two jobs I had because he skipped town with the car after I demanded he get a job and stop being unfaithful), had to move and totally rebuild. Three months after he skipped out, he wanted to come back not knowing that a mutual friend let me know the woman he had been cheating on me with was pregnant....he had skipped town on her as well. It was probably the most healing and defining moment of my life to tell him NO!

 

Rebuilding is scary, but it's not impossible. Impossible is being with someone who treats you with disrespect, has no regard for your well-being, and would even put your health at risk. The thing with cheaters is that they never do take responsibility, and most have a very fine line on taking responsibility to the point they make themselves out to be martyrs. Don't take on responsibility for something that isn't your fault or you will continue to be in a marriage where you are always wearing a fake smile for the people you love (your children).

[bananagal]

Thank you all for your kind replies (except for one).

 

I do want to elaborate that the biggest reason I have stayed is my kids. 5 years ago when the second affair happened they were still young and dependent on us. We did alot together as a family, and my husband was a very devoted dad. I was devastated at the thought of the loss of our family more than the marriage itself.

 

Now that they are teenagers our family dynamic has changed alot as I'm sure many of you have experienced. It seems more a possibility now that we can co-parent them separately and still be good supportive parents.

 

When I look at it rationally, I know I can leave in peace, knowing I tried. Because I really did try to make it work, I tried to be everything he wanted me to be, I kept believing him when he said he would be truthful and faithful. Sadly I just don't think he is capable. For some reason he is very immature and at 44 years old, I think he has had enough time to grow up.

 

Several of you said something along the lines of leaving is hard but staying is harder and I believe that too. I just can't imagine living like this anymore. Even though it's all I've ever known it has just become unlivable.

 

Thank you again for the supportive comments and shared experiences.

[96nole]

 

One line you wrote especially hit home with me, that you thought you would have to spend the rest of your life monitoring what he does. That is exactly how I feel. Because I know I can never ever trust him to be honest with me. He thinks the stuff he does is "no big deal" and "means nothing". I beg to differ. It has left me a mess. There is no doubt in my mind that this marriage is over.

 

My wife cheated on me. I had 2 d-days 10 months apart. In those 10 months I was monitoring her email, phone, laptop, etc. I have to say, those 10 months really sucked. As time went on I wasn't monitoring as much. But the day before d-day #2, I had a funny feeling something was going on. I remember scouring through her laptop, email and Facebook for any signs she was in contact with her dirtbag again. As I was doing so, I stopped and said, "Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?"

 

I have since divorced that person. Lucky for me I never had kids with that person and never have to see or deal with that person ever again. The divorce was hard. Of course it is. Your life is completely changing. But constantly looking over your shoulder or checking up on someone you are supposed to be able to trust is no way to live.

 

Oh, and my ex also blamed me for her cheating. Gee, I'm starting to sense a common theme.

[worldgonewrong]

Well, this is all tremendously sad and tremendously tough- but let me tell you about the kick in the pants that is just one degree higher in tragic: when the cheater files for divorce. That's a whole 'nother strata of pain that at least you've not lived through. At least you have the 'decision' in your hands, whereas the cheater (in my situation) unilaterally brings the house down, metaphorically and literally. This is not to minimize your situation AT ALL, mind you.

[bananagal]

Thank you to the moderators for deleting the one bad comment. Thanks for your opinion of me dude but take your hostility elsewhere.

 

96Nole, I had the same wakeup call regarding the monitoring of the cheater's actions. I did it for years and years and it made me sick to my stomach every damn day. And really I could tell by how he acted when something was going on, he is pretty transparent and a bad (but frequent) liar. So the computer/phone/email monitoring just confirmed what I already suspected.

 

Our computer needed to be reformatted and I lost the spying program about 2 years ago. This coincided with a point in the marriage when I was giving up on him. One lie, one text message, one meetup with the cute office secretary too many. I woke up one day and said "I'm done". I decided not to reinstall the monitoring software and my life started to change. I started to emotionally remove myself from the marriage, I had to. It was liberating and terribly depressing at the same time.

 

Worldgonewrong, I agree, the cheater leaving is just rubbing salt in the open wound. I don't know what is worse, I'm sure if he had left me I would have been devastated at the time, but I wish this whole charade had ended a long, long time ago, even if it was by his choice not mine. This has dragged on too long and we both have lost many years that could have been a lot happier. Woulda coulda shoulda... who knows... it is what it is and now its time to move forward.

 

WGW, I have found your long thread and am making my way through it. I have seen from your recent posts that you are happier now and that just warms my heart and gives me hope.

 

This is a great community and I am so glad I have found it. So many of us in similar situations. Thank you to all who share wisdom and support.

[worldgonewrong]

Banagal- I swear on all that is holy: you too will be happier eventually, and YES, please DO keep hope.

<3

[winston55]

At least now your taking steps to resolve this. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault. Try to imagine an "ex-free" life now. And yes you will look back and second guess yourself. This is natural. However, through time, the doubts you may have will decrease and eventually, you will kick yourself in the butt for not doing it sooner. If you want to go to a counselor and if you can't afford them, look around for one that has a sliding pay scale. And in fact the "pre-ex" might be held accountable for the cost, since he is the adulteress (some states actually still recognize this).

 

Like you, the signs were there for many years and I wanted things to work out. She has made up her mind long ago to divorce me but waited until the kids graduated from school. I'm on the 3rd month of being separated and the divorce will be final at the end of the month. My emotions are all over the place, happy, sad, grief, hollow, crying for no reason, etc. I knew it was going to happen but it is tough. I'ts very hard actually, since I'm retired now. But the better days are occurring more and more and the bad ones are slowly diminishing. I just found out that my doctor has a counselor on staff and will set up an appointment with them which will help coping with this. I also wanted out for the apparent reasons. In my case, we just grew apart and started to leave separate lives. I had to take early retirement and wanted "things to remain the same" and she wanted to do other things. Perhaps, those little disagreements, or going to bed mad, I guess started to add up.

 

I know this divorce will be better for you in the long run. Hang in there and use every resource possible, friends, family, books, forums. etc. My situation mirrors yours although I was unhappily married for 20 years. Hope this helps.

Edited November 9, 2012 by winston55

[bananagal]

Thank you Winston55. I hope you can talk to the counselor and work through your feelings and find some peace. Have you considered dating anyone? I would imagine being retired at this time would be tough, you need to occupy your days. I hope you are keeping busy. I find the busier I am the less I dwell on my situation.

 

I have not pursued a counselor, instead really leaning on my mom. She has been a great source of comfort and advice. She and my dad really adored my husband prior to knowing all he has done so for them to encourage me to divorce him and find happiness for myself has really been eyeopening. She is really helping me work through all this emotionally.

 

I talked to the soon to be ex over the weekend about going forward with the divorce after the holidays. He said for the record he does not want it but he will go along with it. He is being cooperative about getting the house ready to sell, see a lawyer, etc. Even said he won't fight me on alimony which earlier he was completely pissed off about.

 

I was hoping to be relieved after talking to him but of course started to cry and hardly stopped for a whole day. I was a mess. It is just so real now. But started feeling better again the next day... I'm ready to move on. There is no staying in this relationship anymore.

 

I just wish I could fast-forward a year and get through this.

[Jethro]

I just wish I could fast-forward a year and get through this.

 

God bless you if you are through it after a year. You'd be luckier than me.

[Steen719]

Thank you Winston55. I hope you can talk to the counselor and work through your feelings and find some peace. Have you considered dating anyone? I would imagine being retired at this time would be tough, you need to occupy your days. I hope you are keeping busy. I find the busier I am the less I dwell on my situation.

 

I have not pursued a counselor, instead really leaning on my mom. She has been a great source of comfort and advice. She and my dad really adored my husband prior to knowing all he has done so for them to encourage me to divorce him and find happiness for myself has really been eyeopening. She is really helping me work through all this emotionally.

 

I talked to the soon to be ex over the weekend about going forward with the divorce after the holidays. He said for the record he does not want it but he will go along with it. He is being cooperative about getting the house ready to sell, see a lawyer, etc. Even said he won't fight me on alimony which earlier he was completely pissed off about.

 

I was hoping to be relieved after talking to him but of course started to cry and hardly stopped for a whole day. I was a mess. It is just so real now. But started feeling better again the next day... I'm ready to move on. There is no staying in this relationship anymore.

 

I just wish I could fast-forward a year and get through this.

 

It has been a year and a month since my divorce. I am not "through" it yet, but I am better, much better, than I was. For months I cried every day and I mean, really cried. In about 6 months from the divorce, I still felt sad, but the excruciating pain was no longer there. I went to divorce group, made some new friends, got another job in addition to teaching online and started walking my dogs a couple of times a day, even when it was 95 degrees out.

 

For a while, what I felt was sort of just OK for a while, with a few happy days and some sad days. Now, I have more happy days and some days are really good. I still have sad times, sad days.

 

I have not dated. I have never dated for the sake of dating or to help me not be lonely and I am not changing that now. Honestly, I have not had an interest, but today, while in the post office, I noticed a nice looking man about my age looking my way. First of all, I usually don't even notice things like that and secondly, I liked it . That is a major change for me.

 

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this. I don't think jumping into another relationship or trying to bypass your pain is a good thing. Walk through it, bananagal. It will pass, this pain. It will get better.

[BetrayedH]

Well, this is all tremendously sad and tremendously tough- but let me tell you about the kick in the pants that is just one degree higher in tragic: when the cheater files for divorce. That's a whole 'nother strata of pain that at least you've not lived through. At least you have the 'decision' in your hands, whereas the cheater (in my situation) unilaterally brings the house down, metaphorically and literally. This is not to minimize your situation AT ALL, mind you.

 

I have to agree. My wife cheated and she was the one to file for divorce. It's a brutal blow and very hard to accept even as I know intellectually that the marriage wasn't recoverable.

 

I guess we're saying that while your decision is diffiult, it could be worse. You could have no choice at all.

[bananagal]

I don't mean in any way to imply my experience has been more painful than anyone elses, or even in the same league, I am terribly sorry if I gave that impression. ??? I have read some experiences here that are absolutely brutal and my heart aches what so many of you have been through.

 

My marriage has died a very slow painful death and I really feel emotionally removed from my husband at this point. I have been through the excruciating pain of finding out he was cheating several times and I don't know that the pain of a divorce will compare to that. I have already grieved the loss of what we had (which was minimal) and what we could have been.

 

More painful to me now has been thinking about the loss of our family unit with our children. That is the cause of most of my sadness these days. My consolation is that I am a much happier mom when he is not around (work travel, etc) and I think in some ways the kids will be better off when we are not living together any more. I have noticed my daughter spends most of her time in her room when we are both at home and I think it is because of the tension between us and that makes me feel terrible.

 

Re: dating I am guessing someday I will be interested but not right now. I just want to be with my kids and friends and family and work on my career since I have not worked for so many years.

 

So maybe in a year I will not be out of the woods... but I do feel the worst days are behind me. Maybe, maybe not? I am optimistic about my future I guess. What i really want to get through is telling the kids, selling the house, finding a new one, moving... I am stressed about all the transitional stuff right now. I guess that is what I was thinking when I wrote that I wanted to fast forward a year.

[BetrayedH]

I didn't take your posts as a comparison at all. Worldgonewrong's post just resonated with me. I think we were both just trying to say, it could be worse, but I doubt that gives you much comfort.

 

The fact is that I think we basically grieve the same thing. For much of my time, it's been grieving the loss of the family unit. I was damn determined to be a one-marriage kind of guy. I wanted to grow old with my wife. I wanted to keep having 'normal' family moments.

 

I think you have done what you can. It's difficult, to be certain, but we will make it to the other side of all of this. Infidelity shouldn't be a life sentence for you or your family. It's sad that your husband just doesn't value it the way that we do.

[bananagal]

Thank you BetrayedH. I am probably a little defensive of how I am handling my situation so my response was overblown.

 

I think we all go through devastation in our own way and on our own timetable. I think many here have experienced the hurt and pain in a more condensed time frame making it more intense where mine has dragged on for so long but that has also given me time to adapt along the way.

 

I do wish he would just leave me but that is after having 15 years of our marriage dying, so that is really quite different from the double whammy of betrayal/divorce all at one time.

 

Anyway, I wish you peace and happiness some time in your future! We will all get there.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you BetrayedH. I am probably a little defensive of how I am handling my situation so my response was overblown.

 

I think we all go through devastation in our own way and on our own timetable. I think many here have experienced the hurt and pain in a more condensed time frame making it more intense where mine has dragged on for so long but that has also given me time to adapt along the way.

 

I do wish he would just leave me but that is after having 15 years of our marriage dying, so that is really quite different from the double whammy of betrayal/divorce all at one time.

 

Anyway, I wish you peace and happiness some time in your future! We will all get there.

 

Very thoughtful reply.

 

Look, I think you have a very healthy mindset and I applaud the perseverence you've shown at restoring your marriage.

 

But rest assured, one person cannot sustain a marriage on their own and there is no shame in divorcing a serial cheater.

[Steen719]

I don't mean in any way to imply my experience has been more painful than anyone elses, or even in the same league, I am terribly sorry if I gave that impression. ??? I have read some experiences here that are absolutely brutal and my heart aches what so many of you have been through.

 

My marriage has died a very slow painful death and I really feel emotionally removed from my husband at this point. I have been through the excruciating pain of finding out he was cheating several times and I don't know that the pain of a divorce will compare to that. I have already grieved the loss of what we had (which was minimal) and what we could have been.

 

More painful to me now has been thinking about the loss of our family unit with our children. That is the cause of most of my sadness these days. My consolation is that I am a much happier mom when he is not around (work travel, etc) and I think in some ways the kids will be better off when we are not living together any more. I have noticed my daughter spends most of her time in her room when we are both at home and I think it is because of the tension between us and that makes me feel terrible.

 

Re: dating I am guessing someday I will be interested but not right now. I just want to be with my kids and friends and family and work on my career since I have not worked for so many years.

 

So maybe in a year I will not be out of the woods... but I do feel the worst days are behind me. Maybe, maybe not? I am optimistic about my future I guess. What i really want to get through is telling the kids, selling the house, finding a new one, moving... I am stressed about all the transitional stuff right now. I guess that is what I was thinking when I wrote that I wanted to fast forward a year.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't take it that way. You are and will do just fine.