Boyfriend going to Punta Cana for spring break without me

[violet.xo]

My boyfriend and I have been together now for almost two years. We are both 21. I trust him greatly, and do not think he would do anything in terms of infidelity. We are extremely close and I consider him my best friend and one of the most important people in my life.

 

Now, that sounds great and all, but I’ve found myself in a tricky situation with him. A month ago, he passed an idea at me asking if I would be okay with him going to Punta Cana with two of his best male friends for spring break. He’s never been anywhere like that before, and I want him to go and have a good time, so I told him I have no problem with him going. I did tell him though, that of course I feel a little uncomfortable with it as most people would. He told me that he wasn’t going to go anyways, because it would be much too expensive, and told me not to worry about it. I was happy knowing that he asked for my opinion first before deciding to go on vacation without me.

 

Vacationing and travelling is a hobby of mine, and doing things like that is basically my life dream. He knows this and I’ve asked him to travel with me numerous times, always getting a reply like “I don’t have the money for that” or “I need to focus on school and work”. Now, I didn’t really mind that I wasn’t invited to this because it was clearly going to be a spring break vacation with the guys.

 

However, a few days ago I found out from a friend that he actually paid a $200 deposit and was actually going with his friends! I also found out it wasn’t just the guys, but it was with a whole group, including females. How long was he going to hide this from me? Why wouldn’t he invite me when he knows I would have loved to go? Does he just not want me there?

 

I confronted him about it and he told me that he made the last minute decision to go because we were fighting, and said he didn’t tell me right away because ‘it wasn’t on his mind’. He also told me that his mom was paying for the trip so he was able to go. But why wouldn’t he invite me? Why wouldn’t he tell me right away? I couldn’t imagine going on a vacation like that without him…

 

But is it wrong for me to be jealous and angry? Is what he’s doing okay? I try to tell myself that everything will be fine, but I can’t stop thinking about what he’s doing, without me. Punta Cana… for spring break… I think we all know what it’s going to be like there.

 

Is this a deal-breaker? Do I have a right to be upset? Should I even be upset?! I’m just so confused. Any feedback or advice will be greatly appreciated. What would you do?

 

The whole situation just makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it

[Balzac]

Many guys do a bromance, party hearty for Spring Break during their early 20s. It's interesting to me that you'd be so distressed. He wants to get drunk and hang with his buddies. Having a GF added to that mix is a total downer.

 

These booze junkets are low cost and open to girls too. Why don't you sign up to take a trip w girl friends.

 

Guys POV on this is, you're not engaged, you're young undergrads and confronting him seems excessive. That's just my take on it.

Edited November 3, 2012 by Balzac

[violet.xo]

Thank you for your input. That's exactly what I was worrying about, if I was maybe getting too upset for no reason. I still feel a little nervous about it, but what you said makes me feel somewhat better. I think I may be more jealous than anything to be honest.

[CarrieT]

I can’t stop thinking about what he’s doing, without me. Punta Cana… for spring break… I think we all know what it’s going to be like there.

While Balzac has a point, you nailed it here.

 

What would your BF's reaction be if you told him that you and your girlfriends have decided to book spring break in Cancun or Acapulco.

 

I think you should honestly consider it. Let him go to Punta Cana and you girls go off somewhere else. Experience what he is going to and see how/if your relationship is strong enough to survive both of you taking separate vacations to such places where rampant alcohol and sexuality exists.

[Balzac]

HaHa! Unless you are jealous of guy behavior on a 7 day booze binge.

I get what you're saying but round up some gurls, pick a destination and forget about his booze junket. Share a "few" stories when you both return and beyond that, don't delve too deeply.

[Leigh 87]

The fact he did not tell you is a deal breaker to me.

 

...After two years, my theory is: he should have told you BEFORE he said "yes" to his mothers offer to pay for the trip.

 

After two years, he should have told you he was planning to on a alcohol ladden vacation with a group of friends WITHOUT inviting you.

 

 

 

............Sorry, but if he knew travel was a passion of yours, it was really rude of him to want to go on a trip with a group of male and females, without you!

 

He may like you a lot, but I do not think a guy who really really was crazy in love with a women would do what your boyfriend did.

 

Unless your boyfriend is a real jerk, and treats the women he really loves like crap; aka, arranging a drunken vacation with a group of ffriends without inviting or even telling you!

[Leigh 87]

Guys! Seriously, how can you other posters think it right to arrange or agree to go on a tropical holiday, the haven for hook ups and hot girls, with a group of friends, without even wanting your partner to come!?

 

Seriously!!!!!!!

 

...Who on earch would put up with a guy who arranged a holiday without inviting you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Unless it was business or unless it was truly a trip to catch up with his male friends; which it is clearly NOT, seeing as a mixed sex group are going.

[veggirl]

You all honestly think this trip is ONLY about him getting drunk with his buddies and hanging out with them? Give me a break. He could do that in Pittsburgh with them. A 21 year old guy going to a tropical vacation paradise is going to look to try to get laid every SINGLE chance he gets.

 

Exactly. It's totally inappropriate. It's a ridiculously sexual environment, have none of you ever been on a spring break before?! lol! He will be drunk and hooking up, no doubt about it. I would be livid.

[venusianx13]

 

However, a few days ago I found out from a friend that he actually paid a $200 deposit and was actually going with his friends! I also found out it wasn’t just the guys, but it was with a whole group, including females. How long was he going to hide this from me? Why wouldn’t he invite me when he knows I would have loved to go? Does he just not want me there?

 

I confronted him about it and he told me that he made the last minute decision to go because we were fighting, and said he didn’t tell me right away because ‘it wasn’t on his mind’. He also told me that his mom was paying for the trip so he was able to go. But why wouldn’t he invite me? Why wouldn’t he tell me right away? I couldn’t imagine going on a vacation like that without him…

 

[/quote/]

 

The bold statement is what makes me most uncomfortable. He was most likely keeping it from you because the terms of the arrangement were not exactly as he'd originally posed.

 

For me, the fact that he didn't think to invite you, ESPECIALLY considering that it's a group thing, is the first strike. Second, he lied about the arrangements. Third strike, he kept the fact that he'd decided to go from you. None of these things are acceptable.

 

May I ask what the argument was about? I don't see it as being over this vacation, as you seemed to handle it pretty well, at least when he initially talked it over with you. Do you argue often? I ask this because my ex used to pull this maneuver on me all the time. We'd argue, and he'd arrange some sort of trip or fun activity and not tell me about it until arrangements were made. It was cruel and very passive-aggressive. What you're describing here sounds very familiar to me. I can tell you from experience is that if you attack him about this, he will run with the feeling that he has a free pass over there. He'll feel justified. Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to pull back from him for a while.

Edited November 5, 2012 by venusianx13

[nofool4u]

Guys! Seriously, how can you other posters think it right to arrange or agree to go on a tropical holiday, the haven for hook ups and hot girls, with a group of friends, without even wanting your partner to come!?

 

Seriously!!!!!!!

 

...Who on earch would put up with a guy who arranged a holiday without inviting you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Unless it was business or unless it was truly a trip to catch up with his male friends; which it is clearly NOT, seeing as a mixed sex group are going.

 

I completely agree. There is a reason he doesn't want her to be there too.

 

If someone I'm with wants to go off and act like they don't have a committed partner, then I'll make an honest woman out of her and let her know when she gets back that we are no longer a couple.

[Leigh 87]

Look, her partner should WANT the girl he is crazy about to be with him during fun times, such as vacations.

If he could have paid for her, he should have offered.

 

Maybe he does not have enough time away from her to begin with? My partner has one night most weeks with his guy friends, where I drive him to his mates and they all play polker and drink beer.

 

But look, I have been there before; my partner got offered a half price ticket to South East Asia recenently.

 

He was rung up and offered the ticket ( in front of me, he was not out PLANNING IT, and I saw him take the phone call)

 

My boyfriend is obsessed with overseas travel, AS AM I.

 

Even so, he asked me immediately "babe, what do you think about this idea of going to Thailand, it is half price, but there is NO way I would go if you were not comfortable with it"

 

He was not really considering going at first, but warmed to the idea slowly. The idea of seperating from a partner, albiet temporary, is not something that should be readily welcomes without a second thought, I believe.

 

I let him go, as he shows me every day how close we are and how much he adores me (despite a bad start in our relationship), however; we both soon learned out lessons!

 

I did not think he would cheat and did not have the gut feeling I have always had about me who were not into me and cheated as a result.

 

While he enjoyed his time there, he was miserable every day because me, his side kick, was not there, hanging about him and being his shaddow, and saying stupid thiings all the time.

 

He learnt that while time away with his mates is GOOD, that once or twice a week is MORE than enough; a week or more just makes him upset without me, and ruins his time anyway.

 

Furthermore, he got ill when over there and was raced to hospital!

 

He was quiet..... affected by my absence, when he got back, he had trouble getting out of bed and had nighgtmares, about me abandoning him, as a result of his near death experience without me there.

[Leigh 87]

I completely agree. There is a reason he doesn't want her to be there too.

 

If someone I'm with wants to go off and act like they don't have a committed partner, then I'll make an honest woman out of her and let her know when she gets back that we are no longer a couple.

 

 

 

I told that to my partner; my first reaction was "Geez, why do you act like you do not have a committed parter?"

 

The thing was, I could tell he would be completely devastated if I left him, and would not get over me any time soon.....it was not like he wanted to go because he wanted to cheat or he was not totally into me and our relationship.

 

There was no way he would have gone without my approval, anyway.

 

But even a guy like mine, has had to learn his limits through experience (he learned that solo travel was dull, partying is not fun without your partner to come back ang hug in bed afterwards)

 

Maybe the OP'S partner is like my own; he will go on the trip and realise how much he misses her!

[Leigh 87]

LASTLY: unfortunately, I think my partner is the exception to the rule..............................

 

I think MOST men go away on those types of partying holidays without their girlfriend and indeed DO cheat, or at least be open to it if they can get girls!

[mammasita]

Call me old fashioned but I would not be ok with this.......spring break is all about getting ****ed up and getting laid. Even an honest and faithful man would be tempted beyond belief and then come home a dishonest man.

[nofool4u]

Call me old fashioned but I would not be ok with this.......spring break is all about getting ****ed up and getting laid.

 

Exactly!!!!!!

[VeveCakes]

Singles go down south to get sun drunk and sex with strangers.

 

Couples go down south to get sun drunk and sex with their partner.

 

Pick which option you want to be.

 

There is no reason you shouldn't be able to go. Even if you don't spend 24/7 with him down there, why can't you share a room? Every person I have ever known has hooked up on spring break. Single or taken.

 

I would dump him and take myself on spring break somewhere else to get over him.

 

He's a lying douche, be glad you saw it now and not after the holiday.

[colombiana28]

You should in no way, shape or form be okay with this. Are you kidding?

 

I'd say break up with him NOW. You might think that's too harsh, but I'm warning you right now this guy has POOR boundaries and doesn't have any respect for you. He's a cake eater.

[ascendotum]

So how did this story end up violet? Did you confront him and are you going on the trip now?

[Leigh 87]

My logical mind says: I hope she dumped him for even wanting to go on spring break without her.

 

However, my partner went on a party holiday with 2 couples and one of his male friends, and he did not even think about cheating, and was pretty miserable most of the trip due to missing me.

 

The way her partner did it angers me. My boyfriend would not have considered going if I was genuinely upset about it.

[MrVegas]

Now we can't say for sure the intent is to cheat, but from a guys POV, there are some serious red flags going up.

 

I agree with the other posters that even the trip or spring break aside, the lying is a major concern. There is a lack of open communication and trust if he sneaks around to book a trip without you, lie about going and lie about the details. Even if there was a reason for excluding just you (like if it was a group of friends you did not get along with), he should be man enough to either stand up for his girl, and bring you along or tell them to pound sand. At the very least he should be honest about whats going on.

 

And if there is no reason why you might be excluded beyond his control, then there is an agenda there. You have been together for 2 years, not 2 months. If that isn't long enough for him to respect you, it probably wont ever happen.

 

And, from a guys POV, tropical destination, booze, pretty girls in teeny bikinis. If i am deliberately excluding my GF, its for one reason only.

 

I agree with the poster that says to get away on your own. Even if you can't, lay it out as a plan you are thinking of. Pick a nice place for women to go as sexual tourists, say, Jamaica or Barbados, and tell him your really thinking of getting away while he is gone for your own fun in the sun. He might not be so thrilled to go after all.

[Negative Nancy]

You all honestly think this trip is ONLY about him getting drunk with his buddies and hanging out with them? Give me a break. He could do that in Pittsburgh with them. A 21 year old guy going to a tropical vacation paradise is going to look to try to get laid every SINGLE chance he gets.

 

Exactly. It's totally inappropriate. It's a ridiculously sexual environment, have none of you ever been on a spring break before?! lol! He will be drunk and hooking up, no doubt about it. I would be livid.

 

If someone I'm with wants to go off and act like they don't have a committed partner, then I'll make an honest woman out of her and let her know when she gets back that we are no longer a couple.

 

He's a lying douche, be glad you saw it now and not after the holiday.

 

You should in no way, shape or form be okay with this. Are you kidding?

 

I'd say break up with him NOW. You might think that's too harsh, but I'm warning you right now this guy has POOR boundaries and doesn't have any respect for you. He's a cake eater.

 

And, from a guys POV, tropical destination, booze, pretty girls in teeny bikinis. If i am deliberately excluding my GF, its for one reason only.

 

 

Exactly my thoughts. That guy will 100% cheat on you there, so you better dump him now for even entertaining that dumb, disrespectful idea in the first place.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Negative Nancy

[mammasita]

Even if he has no intention of cheating, inhibitions will be null, naked drunk girls will be running around trying to get him to touch their boobs and take body shots, chicks without underwear will be dancing on the bar......just to name a few.

 

It's a big ass orgy.

 

If any of this is unclear, please reference "girls gone wild".

[jimloveslips]

Singles go down south to get sun drunk and sex with strangers.

Couples go down south to get sun drunk and sex with their partner.

Pick which option you want to be.

There is no reason you shouldn't be able to go.

 

Bam.

Veve has it down.

 

I'm not sure why partying with you wouldn't be more fun, he's guaranteed to get laid without all the angst and mind games he'd have to get into with strange girls! (But of course the girls that are there will be total sluts so I guess it won't be that difficult - of course, that's why he's going!)...

 

Get a guy that respects you.