after argument, how do I change?

[tangled]

Pretty much, just as the title says, I want to know what to do now?

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and we just had an argument this morning over text and I don't know what to do. We were supposed to hang out today, but he had to cancel because his sleep schedule has been off and he was just going to bed when I woke up. This I knew could happen from yesterday, but I wrote back something snappish because I was upset. He responded angrily saying how I always find something new to be upset with him about. He says I'm always irritated with him about something and how it makes him feel like he's an awful boyfriend. Also, he says you always talk about how you wish I were a certain way, which I'm not.

 

I hate to say it, but he's right. I'm an extremely insecure person, and I do say that I wish he were more affectionate so that I would feel more secure. Also, my insecurity leads me to think of awful things that I know he won't do. For me, it makes me feel unimportant when he cancels plans like that, even if he warns me that he might have to cancel.

 

I apologized and he was too tired to call and talk about it, so I requested that he call me when he's up so we can talk about it since I didn't feel right leaving it at just text. He did agree to that, and we said our good nights and love you

 

What I want to know is what I can do other than apologizing and trying to work on the things that makes him feel like a terrible boyfriend? Also, do you think it is valid for me to talk about why I get upset at what he says and how it makes me feel? Thank you so much for your time.

[Balzac]

The productive thing for you to do is acknowledge your insecurity and work on yourself. He cannot fix your insecurity. He can be aware and sensitive to your needs, communicate with you but beyond that, it's on you.

[River Rain]

The productive thing for you to do is acknowledge your insecurity and work on yourself. He cannot fix your insecurity. He can be aware and sensitive to your needs, communicate with you but beyond that, it's on you.

 

Agreed. Insecurity is about the self. Nobody can make you feel more secure. Even if he were more affectionate, it would appease you temporarily, but like he said, you'd find something else to complain about. When you are confident with yourself, you beam with positivity and that's a very attractive quality. When you have confidence, you don't need someone else to ensure your happiness. You need to look up ways to boost your confidence and love who you are, that'll help you rid yourself of the insecurities.

[tangled]

Thanks for your response. I guess I don't know how to work on my insecurity either. I know most of it stems from my dad physically and emotionally abusing me when I was younger.

 

Also, I wonder though if it's right of me to ask for more affection. I have to ask for hugs and we're not allowed to do anything in public. He is bipolar, schizophrenic and has social anxiety. He says I should accept that he just can't be affectionate, and yet I need it so badly sometimes and I hate asking for it. Should I ask him for more effort in that department? I just want to see that he's trying to be a bit more affectionate because right now, he's only affectionate right before sex, which he usually initiates when we are together.

 

What isnt' great it that we only see each other once a week, and him cancelling on that one day plan means I won't see him for two, which is hard.

[River Rain]

Thanks for your response. I guess I don't know how to work on my insecurity either. I know most of it stems from my dad physically and emotionally abusing me when I was younger.

 

Also, I wonder though if it's right of me to ask for more affection. I have to ask for hugs and we're not allowed to do anything in public. He is bipolar, schizophrenic and has social anxiety. He says I should accept that he just can't be affectionate, and yet I need it so badly sometimes and I hate asking for it. Should I ask him for more effort in that department? I just want to see that he's trying to be a bit more affectionate because right now, he's only affectionate right before sex, which he usually initiates when we are together.

 

What isnt' great it that we only see each other once a week, and him cancelling on that one day plan means I won't see him for two, which is hard.

 

It's tough being with someone who has mental health issues...I mean we all have some problems, but bi-polar is hard enough for him to deal with, never mind you. If he has trouble with affection, don't push it because he knows what his limitations are when it comes to being emotional. I speak from experience, having depression and anxiety. If you need more than what he can give, then you have to reassess your relationship, and what you really are willing to compromise to stay together. If he's been clear that he can't give you more affection, he probably won't no matter how much you ask for it. Are you willing to give up the affection you want to be with him?

 

And also, the canceling thing...you have to decide if it's okay with you that you only see each other once a week, and on occasions where things are canceled, every few weeks.

 

Insecure or not, you should never settle for second best if it makes you unhappy.

 

To work on your insecurity, like I said, you need to build your confidence. Maybe you should try some self-help books.

[tangled]

I think I will try that. Thank you for the book idea.

 

The thing is, most of the time I'm ok with the compromise. Just sometimes, when I'm extremely stressed out and just plain missing him, it's those times when both of us have an argument, and it's hard because this argument isn't something that can be really "solved" per say.

[River Rain]

I think I will try that. Thank you for the book idea.

 

The thing is, most of the time I'm ok with the compromise. Just sometimes, when I'm extremely stressed out and just plain missing him, it's those times when both of us have an argument, and it's hard because this argument isn't something that can be really "solved" per say.

 

I do know where you're coming from. I was in a long distance relationship for most of the summer and fall. I had those days where I was so lonely for him, I would express this to him and he somehow took it as though I were blaming him for the distance. So we'd argue. In the end, I realized it wouldn't work, for many reasons, but mainly because I needed more than what he could give me. I only broke things off this morning, and I miss him and feel bad for him, but I just needed more. I tried to be accommodating, but in the end it wasn't fair to me to just settle. I still love him, but I had to let him go. Just something for you to think about.

 

The self-help books are great, some are a load of crap though, lol...but they always have some kind of advice that is sound or that you can use. Or just do an internet search on how to build your confidence, it's a start.

[tangled]

Yeah we were in a long distance last year for pretty much 9 months, and then I moved back home (mental health issues = no go for college for me) and I thought it would get better, but once we both started school, things got rockier again. We were fine in the summer though when both of us were stress free.

[River Rain]

Yeah we were in a long distance last year for pretty much 9 months, and then I moved back home (mental health issues = no go for college for me) and I thought it would get better, but once we both started school, things got rockier again. We were fine in the summer though when both of us were stress free.

 

There are so many challenges. I hope you find a way to manage them. And honestly, it's so important for you to work on your insecurities, not just for him, but for you. My ex was terribly insecure, and I constantly tried to reassure him, but it got very tiring after a while. It's really not an attractive quality in a person. I used to be very badly insecure too, bad childhood etc...but I'm very confident now and I've seen more interest now than I ever have. Feeling confident helps you be more trusting too, all in all, it's a good way to be. I hope you work on that for yourself.

[todreaminblue]

Pretty much, just as the title says, I want to know what to do now?

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and we just had an argument this morning over text and I don't know what to do. We were supposed to hang out today, but he had to cancel because his sleep schedule has been off and he was just going to bed when I woke up. This I knew could happen from yesterday, but I wrote back something snappish because I was upset. He responded angrily saying how I always find something new to be upset with him about. He says I'm always irritated with him about something and how it makes him feel like he's an awful boyfriend. Also, he says you always talk about how you wish I were a certain way, which I'm not.

 

I hate to say it, but he's right. I'm an extremely insecure person, and I do say that I wish he were more affectionate so that I would feel more secure. Also, my insecurity leads me to think of awful things that I know he won't do. For me, it makes me feel unimportant when he cancels plans like that, even if he warns me that he might have to cancel.

 

I apologized and he was too tired to call and talk about it, so I requested that he call me when he's up so we can talk about it since I didn't feel right leaving it at just text. He did agree to that, and we said our good nights and love you

 

What I want to know is what I can do other than apologizing and trying to work on the things that makes him feel like a terrible boyfriend? Also, do you think it is valid for me to talk about why I get upset at what he says and how it makes me feel? Thank you so much for your time.

 

 

in most relationships affectionate displays mute after the honeymoon period,I think or feel you have to be secure in what he says to you,I have insecurities and issues I dont tend to push them onto others,I accept them as a part of me and dont blame others for insecurities they had nothing to do with.

 

 

I think apologizing was good and you have to take your boyfriends feelings into consideration.I would veto your insecurities and try and deal with them either through counselling and a bit of acceptance on your part that your issues existed probably before your boyfriend was around and they are not his fault to control or fix........

 

 

he sounds understanding,maybe concentrate on why he is an awesome boyfriend ....what he does do instead of doesn't do...let him know why you think eh is awesome make it more about him for a while instead of what you feel....and put a little effort into being an awesome girlfriend who is accepting and understanding...be honest with what you feel, and give him a break when he needs one,if you want spice and affection in your relationship....add it....you cook up that mix....if you take the incentive you might be surprised at what you can do....be creative....have fun.....and i wish you love and happiness with your man.........deb

[tangled]

I agree. I mean the problem is I find it hard to put into words why I think he's an amazing boyfriend. I mean the fact that he can deal with my insecurities in such a calm way is already a huge thing. I always just feel so awful when I focus on the fact that I want him to be more affectionate, like a hug once in a while without me asking for it or initiating it. My friends say I should leave him, but I don't think they understand that I really care about him. I think it's also because I have a hard time putting the good parts into words, but they are just feeling?

[River Rain]

Does he hug you when you ask for it? If so, then don't obsess over the fact that you "have" to ask. With his limitations, he may not be able to initiate it. If he does hug you, why does it matter if you have to ask or not? Just think about that. He makes you feel loved otherwise right?

[tangled]

Sometimes, I do feel extremely unloved, but I kind of think that would be the insecurity talking. I guess from my childhood I don't know how to feel loved and what other people do to show love. All I know is I guess physical affection because that is what is shown in the media. For him, I think he says he likes talking with me, and I guess that's how he shows his affection.

[todreaminblue]

Sometimes, I do feel extremely unloved, but I kind of think that would be the insecurity talking. I guess from my childhood I don't know how to feel loved and what other people do to show love. All I know is I guess physical affection because that is what is shown in the media. For him, I think he says he likes talking with me, and I guess that's how he shows his affection.

 

 

I was shown at young age affection from my grandfather my great uncle role models who never were too busy to talk to me..... and my mother always hugged.......

 

i always kissed my parents goodnight every night whether i was angry with them or they were angry with me, in trouble or not in trouble,my parents were reserved around my sister and myself physically but verbally open.....i think there should be an equal balance of affection both verbal and physical in a partnership.Absence of affection in childhood or overly abundant affection can cause problems,I have issues myself I have tried my hardest to not pass on any of my issues onto my children.We are pretty tight and they are loving towards others so i have done some good adn made many mistakes.I was raised to be old fashioned and it showed at school .....I got on more with adults than with kids my own age....teachers rather than students.Teachers were affectionate towards me verbally.......

 

Have a conversation with your boyfriend explain to him exactly how you feel and why maybe then he can understand you.......i wish you well....and your childhood is not with you now good or bad you can make it better......deb

[todreaminblue]

I agree. I mean the problem is I find it hard to put into words why I think he's an amazing boyfriend. I mean the fact that he can deal with my insecurities in such a calm way is already a huge thing. I always just feel so awful when I focus on the fact that I want him to be more affectionate, like a hug once in a while without me asking for it or initiating it. My friends say I should leave him, but I don't think they understand that I really care about him. I think it's also because I have a hard time putting the good parts into words, but they are just feeling?

 

 

never do what your friends tell you to do ....you can listen to their advice but you have to follow your own heart....if you are going to regret a decision or appreciate a decision you have made let it be your own choice not what someone else tells you to do....you have to make your own choices in life that way you don't resent or owe anyone anything in life....you can appreciate you for you and the decisions you make good or bad..........you will learn you dont learn by following others you learn by leading....lol....i was told not to text someone until they text me back do you think i listened ...nah.......i made an impulse decision to follow my heart.....which i always do anyway.........at least i wont regret not sending it....theres always a positive......if you look hard enough......you be positive follow your heart and smile politely at your friends and say thanks for the advice and do your heart thing.....best wishes....deb

[MourningLosses]

The productive thing for you to do is acknowledge your insecurity and work on yourself. He cannot fix your insecurity. He can be aware and sensitive to your needs, communicate with you but beyond that, it's on you.

 

Sometimes others do make you insecure, or at least more insecure. Does he show you respect? Does GE show he values you? Does he show loyalty? I someone said how much you held him back and how he was worth more how would he respond if you were there? If you weren't there?

 

I had a long term boyfriend once who harmed my self esteem more than I can say because he wouldn't say he loved me without a "but", he wanted to take in bed but not to give, he didn't want anyone to think we were legitimate GF/bF but made out we were just friends and since it was kinda obvious we had sex everyone thought it was FWB and pitied me, hence damaging my self esteem more.

 

He was a decent guy in many ways. But he harmed my self esteem in ways I didn't see coming and have never healed from.

 

Sometimes it really is about them not about you. If you're being treated right AND you still have low self esteem that's a different story.

[tangled]

Yes, he does treat me well, and gives me no reason to doubt him. It's honestly just my insecurity.

 

This morning, I messaged him with an apology, and after a while I hoped he would call like we said we would, but he said he didn't want to talk. I asked if he was still upset and he said no, he just didn't want to talk and wanted to be left alone. I know to leave him alone, but it's killing me. I don't know how to fix this anymore and I don't know what to do. He said I could do nothing and that it's fine.