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The 5 Stages of a Relationship


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Under The Radar

I was reading about the different stages we go through in relationships. From what I read they are as follows:

 

  1. Romance
  2. Power Struggle
  3. Stability
  4. Commitment
  5. Acceptance

The article stated that statistically only about 5% of couples will reach the Acceptance Stage. Most divorces and breakups appear to occur during the Power Struggle Stage. In fact, many relationships that continue for life remain in the second stage.

 

The Romance Stage is, of course, only temporary. It can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is where people tend to minimize or completely dismiss their partner's flaws. Sex is generally rampant and we talk of "butterflies" in our stomachs. Time together feels effortless and we believe our partner is amazing.

 

In The Power Struggle Stage people tend to seperate their thoughts from the "WE" in the relationship to "I". They will want more of their needs met and small grievances start to become magnified. Flaws that were overlooked or ignored in the Romance Stage start to appear more often. The differences in wants/needs becomes steadily apparent and communication/compromise will be tested.

 

I have always been more of the relationship type. I always dreamed of getting married and spending my life with one woman. You know, growing old and gray together. Years later sitting on a porch swing and still holding hands like some cheesy Lifetime Movie :o

 

At 38, I wonder sometimes if it's in the cards for me having been in three failed LTR in my life. I wonder if, as humans, it's unlikely for many of us to reach the Acceptance Stage. I mean, people change and grow over the years. A lot of individuals are quite fickle and emotions seem to change from day to day. Even TV and the media tends to glamorize relationships giving, what I think, a very unrealistic expectation. You know, finding the "Perfect Princess" or the "White Knight" to love us unconditionally. Then, when problems arise and communication is needed, people to get jaded or bail.

 

Of course, many of the threads on LS seem to confirm this. I am curious what others on the board think about this topic. Especially, how realistic is it for us to reach the last stage: Acceptance?

Edited by Training Revelations
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You posted this in the marriage section so I'm most sure if you are referring to married couples or non married or both, but if it is married couples then that should all be figured out before agreeing to get married.

 

Discovering the flaws in another occurs way before marriage.

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You posted this in the marriage section so I'm most sure if you are referring to married couples or non married or both, but if it is married couples then that should all be figured out before agreeing to get married.

 

Discovering the flaws in another occurs way before marriage.

 

I think that's ambitious. Or naive. Relationships are organic, life has many options and events, and people are ever-changing. I don't think it's possible to have it 'all sewn up' before getting wed.

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I think that's ambitious. Or naive. Relationships are organic, life has many options and events, and people are ever-changing. I don't think it's possible to have it 'all sewn up' before getting wed.

 

I would sure hope that stage 4 would be before considering marriage.

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I have seen plenty reach stage 4 before stage 3 :)

 

That I can believe.

 

Anyone who is stuck at stage 2 has no business getting married, IMO

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Under The Radar
That I can believe.

 

Anyone who is stuck at stage 2 has no business getting married, IMO

 

And yet, unfortunately, many married couples ARE in the second stage. It's pretty crazy!

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You posted this in the marriage section so I'm most sure if you are referring to married couples or non married or both, but if it is married couples then that should all be figured out before agreeing to get married.

 

Discovering the flaws in another occurs way before marriage.

 

I was actually speaking about married and non married couples. Maybe I picked the wrong section to post this - sorry.

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Couples can feel recommitted to a marriage after rough patches or serious challenges. I feel that most marriages go through those stages several times; it is all part of the journey with ebbs and flows.

 

My husband and I have been living together for four years and married for two of those. We dated for two years before we decided that we wanted to get married. It was important to both of us to live together before we walked down the aisle. After going through some very hard times, my husband and I have reached a loving and romantic place in our marriage. I have become much better at expressing anger in a constructive way and I have learned to work with what we have, rather than pining for more all the time.

 

I'm glad that we had serious issues to grapple with during the engagement and first year. We learned to draw nearer to each other in times of struggle and hardship. I can remember sleeping on a tiny double bed and having to use a portable closet to put my clothes. Now we have a more spacious place to live with new furniture. I've gone back to college to study for a different career. Life is good! :D

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Couples can feel recommitted to a marriage after rough patches or serious challenges. I feel that most marriages go through those stages several times; it is all part of the journey with ebbs and flows.

 

My husband and I have been living together for four years and married for two of those. We dated for two years before we decided that we wanted to get married. It was important to both of us to live together before we walked down the aisle. After going through some very hard times, my husband and I have reached a loving and romantic place in our marriage. I have become much better at expressing anger in a constructive way and I have learned to work with what we have, rather than pining for more all the time.

 

I'm glad that we had serious issues to grapple with during the engagement and first year. We learned to draw nearer to each other in times of struggle and hardship. I can remember sleeping on a tiny double bed and having to use a portable closet to put my clothes. Now we have a more spacious place to live with new furniture. I've gone back to college to study for a different career. Life is good! :D

 

Thanks for sharing that. So, is it your recommendation that couples live together FIRST before they get married?

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And yet, unfortunately, many married couples ARE in the second stage. It's pretty crazy!

 

I can see part of the reason why that divorce rates have increased.

 

I was actually speaking about married and non married couples. Maybe I picked the wrong section to post this - sorry.

 

No reason to apologize.

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It seems like the attraction part of a relationship is easy (at least in the beginning). It's maintaining that attraction over the years and having good communication.

 

People have to be willing to compromise too. I think some individuals have inflated egos or inate selfishness that prevents problem solving in these areas.

 

Furthermore, I suspect many couples "settle" to avoid being alone and end up marrying IN The Power Struggle Stage. They may be getting older, or see their friends getting hitched, so they say F*** it and rush the whole process without having a solid foundation.

 

I wonder how many people here have even made it to the fourth stage?

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It seems like the attraction part of a relationship is easy (at least in the beginning). It's maintaining that attraction over the years and having good communication.

 

People have to be willing to compromise too. I think some individuals have inflated egos or inate selfishness that prevents problem solving in these areas.

 

Furthermore, I suspect many couples "settle" to avoid being alone and end up marrying IN The Power Struggle Stage. They may be getting older, or see their friends getting hitched, so they say F*** it and rush the whole process without having a solid foundation.

 

I wonder how many people here have even made it to the fourth stage?

 

I want to add as well that I think why so many people are selfish is because they equate compromise as being weak/a doormat.

 

Aside from that, good post.

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It seems like the attraction part of a relationship is easy (at least in the beginning). It's maintaining that attraction over the years and having good communication.

 

People have to be willing to compromise too. I think some individuals have inflated egos or inate selfishness that prevents problem solving in these areas.

 

Furthermore, I suspect many couples "settle" to avoid being alone and end up marrying IN The Power Struggle Stage. They may be getting older, or see their friends getting hitched, so they say F*** it and rush the whole process without having a solid foundation.

 

I wonder how many people here have even made it to the fourth stage?

 

My H and I married young, but we married solidly in the first stage :laugh:

 

The second stage came, as predicted. We had our share of power struggles, although I don't think we ever characterized each other as the enemy (as some people seem to do). The power struggles seemed to stay isolated for us, thank goodness. They never affected sex or feelings of closeness.

 

The third stage seemed to begin after we had our first child (about 10 years into the relationship). Our appreciation for each other grew exponentially with that life change.

 

Throughout our relationship, we've experienced the most growth during the tough times. When life is easy, it ironically seems easier to take each other for granted, and fight over little stuff. When life is harder, it is easier for us to focus on the big stuff, appreciate each other, and let the little stuff slide. Also, have a "common enemy" (the economy, the baby that never sleeps, etc) can be bonding. Every time we go through something big, it seems to carry over and make us stronger for the long term. Reaching stage 5, I believe, is the product of a lifetime of that process. Looking forward to it :)

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My last relationship ended in stage 2, when we got back together it seemed that stages 3 and 4 were a definite because we both agreed to work on the communication, but it was a fantasy and he bailed.

 

I like that you posted this because it's very helpful in understanding what just happened to me actually. I kept thinking we were committed, but we never got past the power struggles, very true.

 

But one day I surely would like to find someone who is willing to have a healthy and long term relationship. I think that stage 5 is very possible when the couple is able to communicate and work at showing each other appreciation, respect and love. I say that in hopes, I've never had that experience yet though!

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I want to add as well that I think why so many people are selfish is because they equate compromise as being weak/a doormat.

 

Aside from that, good post.

 

Pyro,

 

I absolutely agree that many people equate compromise with weakness. However, for anything in life to have sustainability there has to be balance. Having a partner who is so defensive, uninsightful, and insecure that they cannot apologize/compromise is a surefire ticket to dysfunction. I have NO problem eating crow if I mess up, but the gesture has to be reciprocated by my partner if they are at fault.

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XXOO,

 

Thanks for your reply. I am happy to hear that your marriage is stable and growing in a positive direction. You and your husband sound very mature and self-aware.

 

Best of luck,

 

Josh

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Pyro,

 

I absolutely agree that many people equate compromise with weakness. However, for anything in life to have sustainability there has to be balance. Having a partner who is so defensive, uninsightful, and insecure that they cannot apologize/compromise is a surefire ticket to dysfunction. I have NO problem eating crow if I mess up, but the gesture has to be reciprocated by my partner if they are at fault.

 

No argument here. You are correct.

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My last relationship ended in stage 2, when we got back together it seemed that stages 3 and 4 were a definite because we both agreed to work on the communication, but it was a fantasy and he bailed.

 

I like that you posted this because it's very helpful in understanding what just happened to me actually. I kept thinking we were committed, but we never got past the power struggles, very true.

 

But one day I surely would like to find someone who is willing to have a healthy and long term relationship. I think that stage 5 is very possible when the couple is able to communicate and work at showing each other appreciation, respect and love. I say that in hopes, I've never had that experience yet though!

 

Yeah, sorry to hear about your breakup, but honestly you know it is for the best. I've followed many of your posts and you definitely deserve better. Unfortunately, MOST relationships will not survive stage 2. Statistically, only about 5% of us will ever reach stage 5. I think a lot of people believe that if they are still together (even years down the road) that they must have reached stage 5, but that isn't necessarily true. As the saying goes: Quality over Quantity. As already mentioned there are countless marriages/couples that will never split, but will dwell in stage 2 for the duration. Even if you are compatible with someone it is going to take a lot of work over the years to keep the relationship healthy :)

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Statistically, only about 5% of us will ever reach stage 5.

 

That's a little depressing isn't it? I intend on being in that 5%!!! <== innocence...I think I struggle with how people can stay together while still in the power struggle stage without the ability to move past it...it must be such torment.

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Not trying to be a wet blanket or depress anyone :laugh:

 

I, too, would like to be in that 5%, but I'm also a realist. Nevertheless, I'm never going to become a lifelong cynic just based on the statistics. Like you, I'm still open to meeting that special person.

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Thanks for sharing that. So, is it your recommendation that couples live together FIRST before they get married?

 

Yes, it is. However, I know that some people have religious reasons why cohabitation is unacceptable.

 

I think that cohabitation should only occur if marriage is on the table so that nobody has their time wasted.

 

I don't believe that cohabitation should be taken lightly or done with several partners. In my eyes, it is a step towards marriage. My husband did not want me to come live with him unless I was ready to be his wife. :) He's a good man.

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