It's Always Something!

[katie79]

I recently found out my bf just purchased my e-ring and has it! He kind of slipped about it a few days ago. His mother kind of slipped about it to, at that point she kind of told me he got the ring. She also told me he's "petrified". We are planning to get engaged by Sept 1st. Now that I heard that from his mother and now that he has had the ring for about a week in a half, I'm am feeling like he wont propose. Or he'll postpone our engagement until later. We've been together a long time and we are both of marrying age. He has told me serveral times how he wants to marry me (on his OWN will) and have a life together, but he's always postponed the actual engagement until "6 months" or "next year". After continuously telling me he wanted to buy me a ring and then postponing the engagement until next year, I finally stood up for myself. I told him I wanted to be engaged by Sept 1st. (a month in a half ago). We shopped for a ring, found one, he made payments, and now has it. I have a feeling he's not going to do it. I made an agreement with myself if he strings me along again, I am leaving the relationship and dating other men. Any suggestions on how to get my through my agony of him not giving me the ring within the next month?

[ringo]

give you the ring by your deadline than it just proves that he's not ready... But does that mean that you are just going to up and quit on him like that because you don't get want you want when you want it? Sounds a bit cold to me.

 

Give him time.... I don't know how long you to have been together.... but give him time... let him do it when he feels ready to. Don't pressure him, it'll only make things worse. Besides - would you rather him propose to you because "he wants to" or because "you are forcing him to"???

 

IMO you just need to be patient... so he has the ring... big deal.... let him work out his issues... as you seem to already be preparing for the worst..... try to think positive.... If you love him - give him time.

[katie79]

It's been just about 4 years. He's 30 and I'm 25. To be honest, he is what you call a classic stringer. He has, out of his own will, said he will propose throughout those years. When the time he said he'll do it comes up, he moves up the time slot to another 6months-year, that happens, and nothing. He repeats himself and this has been an ongoing cycle that he created out of his own will for 4 years. I thought it was a little cold to make false promises continually. I never said anything about it until now a month in a half ago. It's hurtful when someone does that to you. We both agreed we want to be married by Spring 2006. Two years away. But I want a committment at this point.

[ringo]

for the demanding.... 4 years is a long time.... however, he did buy the ring - so some progression has been made here. Don't you agree?

 

So are you going to give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't do what you want when you want, are you really done? Can you just walk away after all this time? What is the marriage going to change? Is it that its a formal piece of paper proving you are each others' property? Haven't you been happen thus far?

[katie79]

Yeah, I guess it's some progress. I just get screwed in some ridiculous way with everything all the time. Marriage proves a lot...you said engagement was a big step, right? I am in love with him and want to begin a real life with him, yes. Will I give him an ultimatium? No. I gave myself one. I never threatened him with getting me a ring. A week prior to me mentioning it, he said he wanted to look for a ring. I just said a week, maybe two weeks later (can't remember) I thought over 3 1/2 years was a long time to date someone and that we should look for a ring next week." Then I casually said I would like to be engaged by Sept 1st. He said ok to this and mentioned he would get me the ring by that date. I never said anything like, "get me the ring, or else!" That aint my style. Could I walk away from the relationship? Yes. If he doesn't do what he said and gives me another false promise, that just shows me after just about 4 years, at a decent age, he just doesn't want to marry me. I always felt there's no reason to date someone that long unless you are going to marry them. What's the point? Suppose I am losing out on the chance to meet a guy who is sure about being with me, permanantly while I wait for him to make up his mind if I'm worth marrying. When I made this decision, it was a real life-changing one. I knew I wanted to eitehr begin a life with the man I loved, or walk away from someone who isn't sure of me, and start a new life. I'm ready for either one at this point. I didn't want to wait until I just wanted a life without him, b/c I knew he loved me and I thought I would give him a last chance to do the right thing before I fell out of love with him. That's why I could walk away. Not cold, but there are times you must move on. I love those who only love me.

[Rosiecat]

I dated a guy when I was 24 up to age 29. We had riots together, took trips, he gave me nice gifts. But never the ring. I used up my baby-raising years and never did get married cuz there wasn't any reason to. Move on if you want to find someone with the heart to make a commitment!

[katie79]

...I have a feeling someone else will come along. There's someone for everyone, and if you still want children, you can have them. I have a feeling a special man will come your way and you will marry him. But thank you for the advice, I am taking that idea to mind. He told my father the other day (which HE BROUGHT UP) that he bought a ring and was planning of proposing in the next 3 weeks. He better not break the promise he made to my dad.

[Rosiecat]

well, I'm pretty old now, but I have met someone special (got my own thread going under "marriage" category). I just wanted to mention that women tend to meet the same kinds of guys over and over again. In my case, I think I end up with non-committal or impossible relationships, maybe because I'm afraid of the whole commitment thing myself! Anyway, if you find yourself in that situation, you'll have to be tough and break out of it. I hope your guy makes the right choice, because you sound like a really together lady! But if not, I know there are hundreds of compatible/loving people out there for each one of us.

[katie79]

Psychologists say we (some of us) keep finding the same people. Perhaps it's do to our OWN fear of commitment, or we don't think enough of ourselves. Those components greatly contribute to not getting married (if we want). They also say, we find people like our parents. He is a lot like my mother (and I'm like my father). My mom always has big plans and never does them. This has been bothering my father for years and years. He's an ambitious independant man and she's the opposite. She thinks big and never does it. But I swear, we all know if one day he put his foot on the ground, she would do these things or at least make a real effort. I guess some people, including men, have to realize what life would be like without you in order to see the BIG PICTURE. I know if I left my bf he prob couldn't handle it. I have dumped him 2X before. He got really upset and complained he couldn't live without me, he was in love with me, and without me he would just be single and sitting at home for the rest of his life, which is true. I'm glad to see you have a good man now. I think if you feel your life has been a cycle of commitment-phobic men, perhaps you should dig deeper into yourself. Maybe you don't think enough of yourself (when you should b/c you sound like a nice lady) to find a man who would be "happy" to have you. That could be my problem as well. Perhaps they can't make commitments b/c of their status in life, it may have had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU at all. Like I said, at this point my bf took my father out fishing the other day. He told him he bought me a ring and was planning on giving it to me in a few weeks---my father knows the date but wont tell me. (suprise purposes). But I think he'd better keep his promise this time. All men know not to tell the "daddy" of his potential bride-to-be he is proposing soon and making him a promise. That's sort of low-class, sleezy, immoral, and totally inappropiate. I mean, I can understand a man not keeping his word to the gf to string her, but to tell her father that and not do it is grounds for the father pulling out a shotgun! LOL!

[PlayMaker]

I have a buddy of mine that is the exact way that your BF is. After 3 years his GF said the same things you have said and then walked away. She is in a very happy committed relationship at this time. My friend well he is still the same. Some guys cling to a relationship for various reasons while refusing to committ for others. Some of which are not always positive. I suggested that you evaluate yourself and what you want in a relationship. There is no perfect one. Don't waiver from those things that are a must. Dont try and change who he is but accept him as he is and love him for who he is if that is what you desire. Actions speak loader than words. Lip service tells me alot about a persons charecter. If he truely loves you and cherishes your relationship to the point of marraige then his own unsolicited actions will speak for themselves in everyway. If he is telling you one thing "lip service" just to put you at ease then what else is he just telling you. "trust" is the foundation of any committed relationship and if he cant be honest about the most important thing in his life then what will that lead to down the road. If he comes right out and says I'm just not ready and dont know when I ever will be then respect that. You have to then choose if he is worth waiting for. He may not ever truely come back. I would suggest move on if that is the case. I get the sense you maybe a security blanket for him like my friend. My friend unfortunitly was always looking for someone better for a lack of better words yet having someone and no committment or responsibilites.

[Pocky]

Why do you want to get married?

[katie79]

Sounds sad but true. He had the nerve to tell my father 3 days ago that he bought me a ring, is proposing Sept 1st, and marrying me in Spring 2006. He BROUGHT this up to my father. He made my father a promise about it. At this point, he'd better keep his promise. I already asked him if he wasn't ready to marry me and he said he WAS ready. I gave him 2 opportunities for this. Now he promised me and MY FATHER. I will tell you one thing, and this is aside from my relationship in general, A MAN SHOULD NEVER BRING UP TO THE FATHER HE WANTS TO PROPOSE MARRIAGE TO HIS DAUGHTER VERY SOON AND NOT KEEP HIS PROMISE. If he did this, he lost my respect and my fathers. I don't think my father would ever let him in the house again, nor would I want to see him. He would not only show he's not interested in marrying me, but he has no respect for me or my family.

[Pocky]

Still don't know why it's so important to you that you marry this man.

[Boogie]

Is it September 1st already? Just this morning, I looked at my calendar and it was only 8/13...

 

My point is...if you're that fed up with his delays (or concerned as to the reason or reasons behind them), then you're better off out of the relationship. If, on the stroke of midnight on September 1, you'll hop out of bed and tell him you and he are through, then do it now. However, if you set September 1 as a deadline for yourself or for him, then at least wait until then and make a decision.

 

My fiancee and I went through this to some degree; I am 34 but still wasn't absolutely ready to propose until we had been dating about two years. I was 32 when we met and she was 29...and for her, two years was her limit. Another friend of mine (who's older) didn't so much give an ultimatum but after a couple years she asked her boyfriend if he was ready to proceed and if he wanted to marry her, he said he wasn't sure if he could at that time (he didn't say no), and she left.

 

My point is, what's the difference between 8/13 and 9/1? If your clock (and I don't mean the biological one) is ticking and his delays have made you doubt him or your relationship with him, then move on now. Otherwise (and this is where I think you will wind up), give him until the 1st to plan, prepare and get to the point of proposing. As a recent (5/13) proposer, it's a pretty big step for a guy (as it is for a woman) and he should have let you know he was working up to it rather than setting and postponing dates; but that mistake is just that -- a mistake. If he was just working up to it, it doesn't mean you should split, or that you should examine these scenarios ad nauseum in your head until 9/1. If he doesn't come through by then -- and he should know better than to wait until the actual day, solely for the sake of surprise -- then you can start questioning. But he's getting there, so let yourself decide whether you want his ring or another's, and be patient. Personally, if you really love the guy, then it will all be fine; if you're more focused on the when then the what and the with who, then that's another story entirely.

 

Good luck!

[katie79]

Thanks Boogie. I love him, but I am willing to walk away from him forever at this point. This is NOT about "getting the ring" to represent me, this is about our 4year long relationship going forward. I love him, but 4 years of steady dating at 25 and 30 is a long time. This is about him making a real commitment and sticking with it. I just feel miserable now. To be honest, after what he said, my interest in spending my life with him is dying each day. His proposal also has to be believable enough to give me confidence that marriage will occur at a reasonable time. Engagement to me is a waiting period; a transition to marriage. I don't want a ring on my finger just for the sake of a particular status to represent me. When he said he wanted a 2007 wedding, that sounded ridiculous. It made it sound like he wanted to put a ring on my finger far down the line to secure me in the relationship ( so I don't date other men). I am still having major doubts if he does propose, two months, 7 months, even a year from now, he'll postpone the wedding. I'm giving him 'till Sept 1st and that's it. He's shown he's full of it 3 1/2 years too long. Thank you for your advice though. I am always open to adivce and experiences people have to offer me. It really helps me in my decision making on this matter. As you said, your relationship had a similar problem, but to be truthful, I don't think it was as extreme as mine. Not to get personal, but how did you propose?

[Boogie]

First off, I hope all of the responses herein are helping you...

 

You bring up a good point about the possibility of a "long" engagement...once he's proposed, have your father and him sit down and talk, with or without you there...and make sure the topic of "when's the wedding" comes up. And make sure your dad subtly lets your future fiance know that he doesn't want this to be a never-ending engagement. My (monster of a) future father-in-law pulled that with me, which offended me, because I had proposed within a two-year period, but after three or four years, I don't think that topic is (nor should it be) off-limits. Or, if you are sure it won't ruin the moment, before you accept, ask the future Mr. Katie when you two will be married, and see what his reaction is...if it's "we'll work that out" or a cop-out, let him know that's the wrong answer...if "I promise it will be by 2006, within the time frame we agreed on" then smile and be happy Essentially, if he has given it thought, that is a good thing; if not, then discuss it pretty much right then and there.

 

As for me, my lady digs Tiffany, and while she knew I couldn't spend $16,000 for a ring, she would kid me about getting her a ring in a blue box...so I had a chocolatier in Manhattan recreate a Tiffany box in chocolate (blue with a white ribbon) and placed the ring (wrapped in tissue) inside it. Her mother gave the landlord permission to let me sneak into her place, and I prepped the entire apartment with candles, flowers and love notes. I also sprinkled a bunch of rose petals up the stairs to her apartment so when she walked in and saw someone in there she wouldn't freak...

 

I was on the phone with her while she drove home from a business function (about which I knew and so did her mom) and when she told me she'd pulled into the parking lot I told her to hang up and that we'd talk once she got in

 

Once she got in and realized what was happening she freaked out (she actually said "Yes!" before I presented her with the ring). So I got down on one knee, unscrolled and read a sonnet I'd written for her, presented her with the Tiffany box and opened it. She was pretty pleased

[binturong]

Katie, just so you don't feel bad about your timeline...My DF and I started going out when I was 19, almost 20. We moved in together after going out for one year, then lived together for another 4.5 years until he proposed to me. Like your BF, he always talked about getting married and he liked to talk about our future together. There was always an excuse...at first he was gun shy because he'd been cheated on before. Then it was that he wanted to be out of debt so he could get me a nice ring. I started pulling away. I didn't say anything to him, just made small comments about how if he wants me to be there for him always, he needs to make sure he's got me forever. I would also make comments about how I wanted kids before I turned 30. I started doing more things without him...I volunteered on Saturdays, went out to happy hour or dinner with friends. Even though we lived together, he had to actually make an effort to make a "date" with me because otherwise I would be busy. It was during one of those times that he decided that he was ready to propose. While I was out volunteering, he bought the diamond. A few days later he bought the ring. He spent a whole week planning a surprise, even reserved the date with me to make sure I wasn't going to be doing anything else. During that week, he made reservations, he called his parents and mine, he went shopping for other goodies. It was SO WORTH the wait! And it was unexpected, because he wasn't out of debt yet. He said that when I was out doing things without him, he missed me and thought about me a lot. It was at that point that he decided that there was no point in waiting any longer and that being in debt wasn't enough of an excuse to stop us from getting married.

 

So I don't know...you want your BF to do it when he's ready so he can be just as excited as you are and you'll get that added bonus of being sure that he won't want to postpone the wedding date because he'll want to be your husband just as much as you want to be his wife. It was wrong of him to buy the ring and tell your family if he doesn't plan on following through, but if that situation had never happened, would you still feel the same way you do now? I think it's only natural for couples who are in love to talk about their future together, but that doesn't mean they're going to get married the next day just because they mentioned "when we get married" in passing. It could just mean that he knows he wants to be with you but isn't quite ready yet (although he must be close to ready if he's already got the ring).

[katie79]

I think he doesn't want to get engaged b/c he keeps complaining how he has no money all the time. Although money is important, I might be one of the few women who overlook that. I think there will always be money and work issues in life. I don't see how marriage would hold you back. Keep in mind, I am open to a two year engagement and my bf is 30! I think two years gives him plenty of time to find a better job and it will just be the two of us in a small apartment, it's not like I want a house full of kids a week after the wedding!

ATTN: MEN OVER 39 ONLY, AND WOMEN IN THIS/WAS IN THIS POSITION WITH THEIR BOYFRIENDS:

 

Although money means a lot, if a man is truly in love with a woman, steadily dating her for 4 years, and talks of marriage, would money hold you back from proposing marriage and setting a wedding date almost 2 years away? Please be honest. We could both afford to live a decent life in an apartment, it's not like he's out on the street with a tin cup. Does money mean everything in a relationship?

[katie79]

I meant for men over 30 in my prior thread. Opps! My bad!

[binturong]

No, money doesn't mean everything. In fact, what my DF has always said was that if a man wants something bad enough, he'll do whatever it takes.

[katie79]

I agree with you. That does seem to be true. I guess when you think about it, men will spend money on things they find really worthy like the football game, going to see a wrestling match, whatever. The point is, I think your right b/c there are men out there with little money to blow, but they will find a way to come up with the money for something they really love. I know my bf loves fireworks and will spend money on those each year. But you are def right.By the way, what does "DF" stand for?

[binturong]

Dear Fiance...kinda like how people will call their husbands DH for dear husband. Incidentally, he told me that back when we were just friends and another guy I was kind of seeing turned me down for an event that I needed a date to. Said he had previous plans. When I mentioned that to my now DF, he told me "If a guy is interested in you, nothing will stop him from spending time with you. If he really wanted to go with you, he would have ditched his other party." So I told my "friend" that it was too bad he worked nights, because I wouldn't mind him being my date and wouldn't you know it...he called in sick to work that night. LOL. Money was also an issue with us getting engaged at first, but he came to his senses...things are never going to be perfect. There will never be the perfect time to get engaged, get married, have kids. But what are you going to do? Just let life pass you by while you wait to find that "perfect" moment?

[katie79]

That's what I think too! I believe there will always be work or money issues in life. As a couple, you just have to work them out. My bf is finally moving out and getting his own place now. It's about time. I'm happy for him. But I am still sticking to my guns regardless of that.