The goodbye/apology letter that I actually sent yesterday

[dreamstate83]

It's been an interesting 3 months. I remember right after the breakup how distraught I was and all I wanted to do was convince her that she was making a mistake. It was clear that she wanted to believe she was as well, but eventually she told herself she made the right choice. About a week ago, she started dating someone else and we haven't spoken since.

 

She never wanted to leave me, but felt that she had to. The self-analysis that came after the realization of finality hit me, as I outlined in another thread titled "Failure to Cope & How Oreos Saved My Life". It's a very good read from what I'm told, and you really should read it before the following letter to gain some insight.

 

So I sent her a hand written apology letter for the reasons outlined in the above thread post. Here it is:

 

"I just wanted you to know that I'

m

sorry for what happened. There are many things that I wish I had done differently.

 

What we had was amazing and started for all of the right reasons, but I know that we rushed ourselves into an unfortunate circumstance without solution. In retrospect, I can see why you left me. I know that it was absolutely necessary for us to reconnect with ourselves and move on to better places in our lives. I acted out of desperation, often times forgetting to focus on myself and in doing

so

took you for granted and failed to set the groundwork for a successful future together.

 

I’ve taken steps to improve. I’ve reconnected with my

old

hobbies to manage stresses, and have begun pursuing a couple of promising jobs. I’

m

becoming emotionally and financially independent again. I've even started reading books on how to better cope with the stresses in my life!

 

There isn’t a day that goes by that something doesn’t remind me of the great times we shared - The early morning coffee in New York, late night opera, singing on the train. Even the great kitchen discussions we’ve had on politics and theology. It always amazed me at how accepting and open we were with the few differences we had.

 

After all of this time, I’

m

at peace with these memories. Being apart from you has taught me many valuable lessons that I have learned from, and will carry with me for the rest of my life and into future relationships. In the end I’

m

thankful to have this opportunity to better myself. I’

m

eternally grateful for what you gave me, and I will always have fond memories of you.

 

I know we don’t talk anymore, but even through silence I will always remember the story of how an Australian woman and an American man changed each other’s lives forever.

 

Accept this as an apology from an

old

friend who's learned to let the one he loved go."

 

She should be getting the letter in about 2 weeks, and even after sending it I don't regret it. However she responds, if at all, is her choice. I've accepted the consequences of my actions, and it feels liberating.

[River Rain]

I think it's great that you got to that place, it is very liberating.

[Simon Phoenix]

Didn't you send her something else or contact her recently?

[dreamstate83]

Didn't you send her something else or contact her recently?

 

Nope. I found out from some of my mutual friends that she was dating a guy exclusively and just went from there. Sad part is I didn't ask about it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to contact her but I knew that if I did it would be very reactionary and I wanted this to be a proactive and clean break.

[Simon Phoenix]

Nope. I found out from some of my mutual friends that she was dating a guy exclusively and just went from there. Sad part is I didn't ask about it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to contact her but I knew that if I did it would be very reactionary and I wanted this to be a proactive and clean break.

 

Seems like it was pretty clean already. And I don't know why you think it's sad that you didn't ask about her new relationship. What's the point of knowing the details? That's death by one thousand pinpricks.

[dreamstate83]

Seems like it was pretty clean already. And I don't know why you think it's sad that you didn't ask about her new relationship. What's the point of knowing the details? That's death by one thousand pinpricks.

 

It's sad because it's information i could have done without and did not ask for. It doesn't matter, I'm doing really good today and have my head held high after everything that's transpired

[Simon Phoenix]

It's sad because it's information i could have done without and did not ask for. It doesn't matter, I'm doing really good today and have my head held high after everything that's transpired

 

I misunderstood, I read it as if you wanted to know more information. And I'm glad you feel good right now, just worried that you'll revert to something less than that and find some other excuse to contact her out of the blue. I've just seen the "one last email" or "one last letter" turn into "one last text", "one last phone call" and keep repeating itself.

[dreamstate83]

I misunderstood, I read it as if you wanted to know more information. And I'm glad you feel good right now, just worried that you'll revert to something less than that and find some other excuse to contact her out of the blue. I've just seen the "one last email" or "one last letter" turn into "one last text", "one last phone call" and keep repeating itself.

 

Won't happen with me. When I've finally let go I know it. Maybe it depends on the person? I've just been through this a couple of times before and I guess each time it happens it gets a little easier to deal with.

[LostOne1]

I misunderstood, I read it as if you wanted to know more information. And I'm glad you feel good right now, just worried that you'll revert to something less than that and find some other excuse to contact her out of the blue. I've just seen the "one last email" or "one last letter" turn into "one last text", "one last phone call" and keep repeating itself.

Kinda like that with me haha.

 

Except for me each time I did something I felt it did bring her closer to me a bit. Or it reduced her anger one by one. But it brought only more pain, because it allowed her to lead me on if she wanted too. Or it made her know she had me by a string. Kinda glad I ended all the communication now. But the pain is still there and fresh.

[Simon Phoenix]

Kinda like that with me haha.

 

Except for me each time I did something I felt it did bring her closer to me a bit. Or it reduced her anger one by one. But it brought only more pain, because it allowed her to lead me on if she wanted too. Or it made her know she had me by a string. Kinda glad I ended all the communication now. But the pain is still there and fresh.

 

You were definitely the person I was thinking of. I'm not going to lie, I wrote a letter a month or so ago that I never sent. It was therapeutic because it got my thoughts out of my head and on to a piece a paper, but I would never in a million years send the thing. Just seems pointless, plus if I revised that letter now, the tone would change. Less apologetic and complimentary and more sarcastic and "good luck with all that".

[21flames]

At the end of the day these women dumped us for someone else, so no matter what we did in the relationship that was bad, they deserve no apology.

 

I didn't apologies for one single thing, I sent a few mushy e mail and texts saying how I really felt about her because she couldn't see it, never begged or apologised.

 

I half wish I hadn't sent them now because she didn't even deserve them but that was just how I felt at the time.

 

She will realise it know I have cut her out of my life like she did to me and that's me reclaiming my power and revenge in a way because I know she will be suffering,

[21flames]

And no offence but I think sending something like this makes you come across as a complete pussy and if she wanted you as an emotional crutch that would sure do it.

[dreamstate83]

And no offence but I think sending something like this makes you come across as a complete pussy and if she wanted you as an emotional crutch that would sure do it.

 

I remember when I left my ex fiance for another woman - it wasn't that I stopped caring about her, I just knew I wanted something else. Why continue pouring gasoline on a fire when you can just extinguish it and walk away?

 

You sound pretty resentful :/

[Simon Phoenix]

I remember when I left my ex fiance for another woman - it wasn't that I stopped caring about her, I just knew I wanted something else. Why continue pouring gasoline on a fire when you can just extinguish it and walk away?

 

You sound pretty resentful :/

 

His point was that the fire was already out. You just needlessly (in his opinion) tried to light another match. While I wouldn't call you a pussy, the letter comes off more as desperate and clingy than anything else. To each their own, but I would have felt like such a wuss if I had sent that letter. Three months removed, she's moved on and you are basically apologizing and hoping for validation. Not awesome.

[Tree_Salmon]

His point was that the fire was already out. You just needlessly (in his opinion) tried to light another match. While I wouldn't call you a pussy, the letter comes off more as desperate and clingy than anything else. To each their own, but I would have felt like such a wuss if I had sent that letter. Three months removed, she's moved on and you are basically apologizing and hoping for validation. Not awesome.

 

I agree.

 

We know why you did it. you know why you did it. But she probably wont know/care why you did it.

 

But as long as it helped you out in some way then its all that matters. But if you're expecting her to go "wow im a fool" which i know we all want from our ex, then forget it.

 

If this was good for you then im glad you did it.

[Mcnulty]

A year down the line, by circumstance of her ex contacting me for help with my ex...(believe it), I'm talking to my ex again. In this year, i was devastated, hurt, angry, but not once did i contact her. Hey i was in the wrong as well, but she left me for this idiot who contacted me for help.

 

I wrote a few letters..never sent them, they were cathartic for me and private...and now a year later, we're friends, would i say sorry even now? Nope, it's in the past and that's that. The present is what matters and loking after you...you're never more than number 2 in another person's eyes...we both made dreadful mistakes.

 

Basically, you apologizing and sending it has lit the match I'm afraid, i don't understand it, but each to their own.

 

I somehow doubt you have the closure you deem to say you have mind.

[21flames]

I remember when I left my ex fiance for another woman - it wasn't that I stopped caring about her, I just knew I wanted something else. Why continue pouring gasoline on a fire when you can just extinguish it and walk away?

 

You sound pretty resentful :/

 

Like I said that's how she would view, I wasn't calling you a pussy.

 

There's wanting something else then there is ****ing around behind my back and setting up a new life and stringing me on until the very end, I wouldn't say I'm resentful but feel like she doesn't deserve my time, she didn't want it, she doesn't get it.

 

And you are not walking away you are carrying on adding to your pain and sending soft letters 3 months later but like the others say if that makes you feel better than good for you but I think you just won't drop it if you keep making contact.

 

Only my opinion don't mean to offend bro.

[21flames]

A year down the line, by circumstance of her ex contacting me for help with my ex...(believe it), I'm talking to my ex again. In this year, i was devastated, hurt, angry, but not once did i contact her. Hey i was in the wrong as well, but she left me for this idiot who contacted me for help.

 

I wrote a few letters..never sent them, they were cathartic for me and private...and now a year later, we're friends, would i say sorry even now? Nope, it's in the past and that's that. The present is what matters and loking after you...you're never more than number 2 in another person's eyes...we both made dreadful mistakes.

 

Basically, you apologizing and sending it has lit the match I'm afraid, i don't understand it, but each to their own.

 

I somehow doubt you have the closure you deem to say you have mind.

 

Just out of interest, how the hell have you been dragged into that, what's it about and how did he know how to contact you?

 

If you want to share that is

[dreamstate83]

Lol I know some of you guys think I just want a reaction out of this letter but give me a break. I want nothing out of it other than to apologize for things I never admitted to.

 

There is no story here other than I used it to move on and feel great ever since mailing it. I'd choose how I feel now over how I felt before hand any day. The simple fact is that I did play a fairly integral part in the breakup. I don't think there is anything wrong in being honest with yourself

Edited November 4, 2012 by dreamstate83

[Simon Phoenix]

Lol I know some of you guys think I just want a reaction out of this letter but give me a break. I want nothing out of it other than to apologize for things I never admitted to.

 

There is no story here other than I used it to move on and feel great ever since mailing it. I'd choose how I feel now over how I felt before hand any day. The simple fact is that I did play a fairly integral part in the breakup. I don't think there is anything wrong in being honest with yourself

 

Sorry dude, I just don't buy for a second that there's isn't part of you that's hoping that she reads that letter and has a Hollywood-esque epiphany about her feelings for you. It just seems completely unnecessary and something that should come up, if it really had to, in face-to-face conversation. Not trying to be a complete Debbie Downer here. I guess I would buy your explanation more if it was more matter of fact and less schmaltzy.

[Mcnulty]

"I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest with yourself"...totally agree, so why drah her into it by sending the letter???

 

My ex started seeing my so called mate behind my back, then when she had a major op, he emailed me asking for advice..he's a carbon copy of a certain celebrity who beasted his gf in the press lately...complete psycho...they finished and he emailed me, i rang her told her to tell her BF not to send me anything and that it had nothing to do with me...they'd finished, we talked, we both have serious health problems at the mo, so have remained in touch...though it's gave me the clarity now to realize that I would NEVER want to get back with her, though I love her dearly..always will, so am being there for her as a friend.

[21flames]

"

My ex started seeing my so called mate behind my back, then when she had a major op, he emailed me asking for advice..he's a carbon copy of a certain celebrity who beasted his gf in the press lately...complete psycho...they finished and he emailed me, i rang her told her to tell her BF not to send me anything and that it had nothing to do with me...they'd finished, we talked, we both have serious health problems at the mo, so have remained in touch...though it's gave me the clarity now to realize that I would NEVER want to get back with her, though I love her dearly..always will, so am being there for her as a friend.

 

That's harsh, where you together long?

 

At least you have been able to stay friends and help her

[blue_jay_bird]

I read too the part where you say ...In retrospect, I can see why you left me.

 

and stopped. It sounds needy and clingy. Like your saying its okay you left, YOU KNOW, it's bull**** she left, SHE is loosing out. In retrospect, both of you had a hand in the failing of the relationship.

[strummgirl]

If it made you feel good writing it, posting it and you'll feel good in two weeks time, and even beyond that if she doesn't respond - then it was the right thing to do.

 

Now is the time to let go - for real.

[dreamstate83]

I read too the part where you say ...In retrospect, I can see why you left me.

 

and stopped. It sounds needy and clingy. Like your saying its okay you left, YOU KNOW, it's bull**** she left, SHE is loosing out. In retrospect, both of you had a hand in the failing of the relationship.

 

She's actually better off without me. I had some incredibly powerful character flaws that have traveled with me throughout my life from a crisis I was in many years ago. To this day I'm struggling with it. That doesn't mean that I magically get to decide that the entire relationship was a waste and didn't enjoy most of it.

 

Chills