43 Yr Old Guy Separated - Long Story...

[zeefer]

Hi All

 

Am new here and this is my first post so apologise if its in the wrong section.

 

I am London UK born and raised and have a long convoluted story. I own and run an IT business which I founded 20 years ago and it has been successful until the last 2 years.

 

I started suffering from depression; not so severe where I was incapacitated but enough to start making me withdrawn at home which all started after several periods of stress in my business about 15 years ago. By the way my mother has suffered from depression all of her life and we came from quite a poor family and money issues were always prevalent so childhood life was always stressful for me due to finances and my mother's depression was a constant theme in my childhood with her being hospitalised twice for it.

 

So running the business successfully absorbed 95% of my life. The hours were long 12-15 per day for the last 20 years so was physically tiring and it was also emotionally draining due to the type of business it was which involved high levels of constant stress and pressure but I persisted maybe since I came from a very poor family and needed to ensure I was financially independent and successful so it became and is still in some ways an obsessions. If any of you met me you would never know I am this guy. I am outwardly positive, upbeat and full of energy and enthusiasm and have been told I am very charismatic too.

 

However, 7 years ago the stress was bad enough to make me go and see a doctor as the sleepless nights and depression I told the doctor about ending up with him prescribing me some mild drugs to take the edge off. My wife is not a depression sufferer and tried her best to support and understand me but no matter what I always felt bad all of the time. I felt kind of as if I was my wife was getting tired of listening to the same problems of mine which I had all the time and also felt I was burdening her with my problems constantly always telling her the same issues and feelings that I had. I felt that she had kind of given up on me in terms of how I behaved and how I was always depressed and that she would benefit from the financial successes whilst to be honest I was always too busy to enjoy. I felt that she took me for granted for being the provider who would give her the lifestyle she wanted with children going to private schools, big home and nice cars for her and no problems with money. She is not one of those women who is extravagant but I guess I spoiled her as I did not have the time to spoil myself. Her point of view is that that she only spent that much time with the kids as I was never there to spend time with which is also a fair point. Our sex life was up and down - probably from her as well as my point of view. I always found her a prude and many of my suggestions were rebuffed in such a way as to hurt my pride which for me was a source of problem. Both my wife and I were virgins when we got married so were both relationally inexperienced. We got married at the age of 23 she is the same age as me.

 

Anyway I was obsessed with the business and I was constantly travelling for work and she spent more and more time with the kids and we started communicating less and less . After I started taking the anti depression drugs and I felt "better" the doctor also said I need to do things that make me happy so I joined activities including car clubs and language schools. Thats where I guess my problems started it all started. I met a girl there and had an affair and that was the first time I became someone who cheated on my wife. I felt wracked with guilt and almost was in a state of no control of myself ad even when I was doing it I felt as if it was not me and it was someone else. This is not a cop out but how I felt at the time. I knew it was wrong...but you know what? It made me feel better and rightly or wrongly I justified it in my head that I felt good for the first time in years and that for now I needed this and that my wife would never know about my indiscretion. I also felt needed and valued and that I was wanted by someone else and also respected and suddenly the centre of a new woman's world.

 

Anyway my wife found out about it and to say she was devastated does not even bring to describe it. There were tears and apologies from my side. I vowed at that time I would never do it again but with my wife's reaction (rightly so) I started a path where I had mini affairs with many women over the years. Again I was wrong but by then it became a pattern, a habit, something that made me feel good and I continued to do it as it helped me forget about my reality of business pressures which incidentally I always felt no one understood me as being at the top of a business running in several countries with no business partner meant I could not confide in anyone at work completely (maybe this is my shortcoming at work not being able to delegate well or find good managers) but the one thing I did know was that it was utterly, bitterly lonely sometimes over the last 10 years or so as the business has grown. All the worlds pressure seem to be resting on my shoulders. Whenever I had business problems (and I had lots) I felt more and more alone and that no one would ever help me overcome these issues and that everyone depended on me including my staff, my wife, my kids and I constantly felt I was not performing up the standards I had set myself which led me to feeling worse and worse. I felt a failure and still do.

 

The relationship between my wife and I is as follows these days. She says she still loves me but the way she has treated me since she first found out about my cheating has been with utter disrespect. She says quite rightly that I disprespected her by sleeping with other women and she is right. But 2 wrongs do not make a right. We have grown apart and I do not even find her attractive any more. She probably feels the same about me. But she is used to me as in her own words "you are used to an old pair of slippers". She wants me to stay at home but she wants to totally disrespect and emasculate me in front of the kids. I was unhappy at home and had some major business issues in the last six months so much so that if things do not improve I will become bankrupt. At this time she also had to have a hysterectomy due to some medical conditions so has been probably the toughest year for everyone including the kids. The kids seem ambivalent to me and thats probably my own fault as I have spent so much time away at work. I used to do this before the infidelity started too but my wife would always keep the kids communication with me going well and I relied on her to do that. Needless to say that after the infidelity the kids have picked up on how things are between mum and dad and since they spend most of the time with the mother they are protective (and rightly so) to their mother. My daughter who is 14 speaks to me with a disrespectful tone and language and she speaks totally different to her mother. Not sure if she is just being a teenager but I suspect not as she speaks respectfully to the mother. My son is fiercely protective to his mother too he is 17 years old this months and speaks to me ok but with no feeling of love in our interaction - same with my daughter. The way the kids behave with me is utterly devastating to me. I have asked my wife to speak to the children about how they speak to me but she says she will not do so.

 

Anyway I met this one girl about 3 years ago and since I have been with her I have not been with any other girls. She loves me and I love her deeply too. She has a 9 year old son too and I love him too.

 

So as I come to the end of this tale this is where I am. I left home 6 weeks ago and moved into an apartment. My girlfriend lives overseas and needs a vis to come and work and live here and that may take some time to do. I feel resentful towards her too as I feel she should have come and spent some time with me but I kind of understand she cannot just leave her kid to fend for herself but a week with me would have been nice and the grandma could have taken care of the kid. Again I feel alone and that no one cares when I am alone and needing of support. Again I am having to do it all myself. Why??? Why am I always helping the world with lots and when I need it the most no one is there to support me? I have some close friends but they all live overseas and call me regularly to check in but its not the same as being with someone at this time.

 

I feel so alone right now. My wife probably feels so too but she has the kids and they give her enormous support and strength. Wish I could say they tried the same way for me but they dont. I feel so so so gulty about this kids and I prolonged staying at home (in separate rooms for the last 2 years) just for the kids. we jointly decided to stay in one home for the kids. But it didnt work as the kids saw what was happening so it was farcical simply to stay together as a family unit when the kids already knew we were not.

 

So right now I have health problems too with chronic stomach problems and am going through some tests. Also I have recently left home and the kids basically do not love me and if they do they keep it hidden well. It hurts me every single moment of the say thinking about that. The love for my wife has gone and I respect her as the mother of my kids but she is not helping the situation with the kids and she has not changed anything in her day to day lie and spending etc. I am paying for the old home and all running expenses, cars and schools. I am paying for the new apartment too which is a massive burden for me these days as my business is in dire problems too.

 

I am fighting to survive each day with personal problems wife, girlfriend living in a different country who I miss deeply, health, money, business and I am struggling to cope with it all.

 

For the first time in my lie ironically what I worked so very hard for is about to go - my business.

 

I keep thinking what have I done with my life? What a waste? How did I end up here?

 

So here I am a 43 years old lonely guy writing on a forum - would love to know your comments but please be gentle with me. I know I have made mistakes but for how long will I need to keep paying for them?

[whichwayisup]

Your story is a painful one to read because I truly believe the love is there between you and your wife but you both let other things - life, kids, illness, work, other women etc..etc.. Get in the way. You both lost yourselves and stopped making special time for one another.

 

No marriage counseling seemed to have taken place, so that's something that still can happen. You and your wife STILL have to co parent together and you all need to do family counseling as well.

 

First things first. If your wife forgives you enough to want to give you a chance, would you go back home?

 

As for your new OW/ aka girlfriend, your life is a total mess and you really need to be careful on how involved you get with her and her son. Your kids have to come first, before this OW and her kid no matter what.

 

Go to counseling on your own, show your wife and kids that you are working on you, to become a better father. Right now you're stuck in "me mode" and having a pity party (which is OK but not for too long)..

 

Stand up and take responsibility for your part and demise in all this. Your wife resents and probably doesn't like who you've become and that's why she's disrespectful towards you and your kids see this, see who you are (do they know about OW and how close you are with her son? if so, this is also why your kids are having issues with you) and don't feel they can trust you as well.

 

It hurts and i'm sorry that you lost your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stand up and take responsibility for your part and demise in all this.

Couldn't agree more! Here's just one of many similar statements you've made:

Anyway my wife found out about it and to say she was devastated does not even bring to describe it. There were tears and apologies from my side. I vowed at that time I would never do it again but with my wife's reaction (rightly so) I started a path where I had mini affairs with many women over the years.

Your wife's reaction to your cheating forced you into other affairs? Hogwash! Your entire post - personal, marriage, business - reeks of entitlement, victimhood and a lack of personal responsibility. And now you want to involve another woman and her child without thinking about the outcome and effect on anyone but you. You're lonely and despondent? What about the wife you cheated on (repeatedly) and the kids you ignored? Own it my friend, own it. No one to blame but you - no matter how hard you try to make excuses - for your present situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[trippi1432]

I only have one question, if your 14 year old daughter grew up and married a man just like you, what would be your advice to her?

 

It's an honest question OP...our children learn by our example.

[veryhappy]

As someone familiar with depression, I'm sorry about your struggle. Do keep in mind how it affects your thought process.

 

I think you are at the end of your rope, and you need to take care of yourself before you fall apart.

 

I wouldn't try to work on the marriage, at least not until that would be something you'd be excited to do. If you ask me, your marriage is dead, but plenty of people keep those alive in some form. Focus on two things: you and the kids. You need to rest more, or do whatever it works to feel rested. Build a relationship with your kids, both need you. Explain to them what went wrong. Kids are smart. If you are being honest, maybe not soon, but in years they'll make their own mind. Maybe some sort of counseling together with them?

 

Give your girlfriend the time to move where you are. She is leaving her life for you. Appreciate that. Please don't cheat if you don't want to lose this woman.

 

Focus on you, rebuild the relationship with the kids. The business and girlfriend will get better with time if do the first part.

[trippi1432]

Give your girlfriend the time to move where you are. She is leaving her life for you. Appreciate that. Please don't cheat if you don't want to lose this woman.

 

I've spent the better part of my years watching an entire family business go to ruins because of things this OP has posted...leaving her life..that's rich. Don't cheat...no, he probably won't, but that won't stop her gold-digging and cheating ways. Players and people who will give up their lives to be played...doesn't cease to amaze me, someone ALWAYS loses.

 

I still go back to my original question, if a man were doing this to your daughter, would you approve?

[eleanorrigby]

It appears to me as if you are still looking towards your wife as a source of support for you.

 

Your relationship with the kids is going to have to be facilitated and maintained by you now, your wife is not going to be your stand-in anymore.

[GuyInLimbo]

The only thing I'm going to contribute here is about the kids. Hypothetically speaking, if you and your girlfriend pursue your relationship, what happens to your kids and hers? Are you actually willing to move to another country and leave YOUR kids? Is she willing to do the same if that's not the case? I'm curious to hear your answer on this. Because if you are willing to leave your kids for her or vice versa, then I have no sympathy for you here. The kids are your priority. And should be for her. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to move away from my kids.

 

Also, how did this relationship start and develop? Have you actually BEEN with her? Or is this some online deal and she's milking you for a visa?

[zeefer]

Your story is a painful one to read because I truly believe the love is there between you and your wife but you both let other things - life, kids, illness, work, other women etc..etc.. Get in the way. You both lost yourselves and stopped making special time for one another.

 

No marriage counseling seemed to have taken place, so that's something that still can happen. You and your wife STILL have to co parent together and you all need to do family counseling as well.

 

First things first. If your wife forgives you enough to want to give you a chance, would you go back home?

 

As for your new OW/ aka girlfriend, your life is a total mess and you really need to be careful on how involved you get with her and her son. Your kids have to come first, before this OW and her kid no matter what.

 

Go to counseling on your own, show your wife and kids that you are working on you, to become a better father. Right now you're stuck in "me mode" and having a pity party (which is OK but not for too long)..

 

Stand up and take responsibility for your part and demise in all this. Your wife resents and probably doesn't like who you've become and that's why she's disrespectful towards you and your kids see this, see who you are (do they know about OW and how close you are with her son? if so, this is also why your kids are having issues with you) and don't feel they can trust you as well.

 

It hurts and i'm sorry that you lost your family.

 

 

There WAS love between my wife and I but its so far gone its beyond repair...sorry we did go through counselling and all that happened was it was 1 hour of anger and crying from my wife's side...in the end the counsellor told us to stop coming together and to come individually and rightly or wrongly we gave up at that point going. I love my wife but not as MY woman and simply as the mother of our children.

 

Even if she does forgive me I simply do not want to go back to her - that part is over.

 

The kids do not know about the OW and therefore not her son. My kids are hardly speaking to me and struggling with that. I am trying not to go into self pity mode even though it does come through from time to time.

 

My ex wife almost does not want me involved with the kids too but if I bring this up she vehemently denies this but her actions are in contradiction with her denial.

 

I do feel responsible for all of this but how to move on? I am already going to counselling on my own.

[zeefer]

Couldn't agree more! Here's just one of many similar statements you've made:

 

Your wife's reaction to your cheating forced you into other affairs? Hogwash! Your entire post - personal, marriage, business - reeks of entitlement, victimhood and a lack of personal responsibility. And now you want to involve another woman and her child without thinking about the outcome and effect on anyone but you. You're lonely and despondent? What about the wife you cheated on (repeatedly) and the kids you ignored? Own it my friend, own it. No one to blame but you - no matter how hard you try to make excuses - for your present situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Maybe so. I am not the victim here and I know this - I truly do. I take responsibility for causing pain to wife and now kids and it hurts deeply all the time. I am not sure if I "ignored" my kids as that is probably too strong but you are correct in that I have made many mistakes and to make amends and trying to change things now is extremely challenging especially as the kids are not speaking to me in any meaningful way. I am trying each and every day one day at a time to rebuild that relationship with them. But even after all these years a conversation about moving forward ends up in tears and anger for my wife. Maybe you are correct in inferring I am selfish...so what to do now?

[zeefer]

I only have one question, if your 14 year old daughter grew up and married a man just like you, what would be your advice to her?

 

It's an honest question OP...our children learn by our example.

 

I would expect her not to put up with that behaviour and to leave him.

[zeefer]

As someone familiar with depression, I'm sorry about your struggle. Do keep in mind how it affects your thought process.

 

I think you are at the end of your rope, and you need to take care of yourself before you fall apart.

 

I wouldn't try to work on the marriage, at least not until that would be something you'd be excited to do. If you ask me, your marriage is dead, but plenty of people keep those alive in some form. Focus on two things: you and the kids. You need to rest more, or do whatever it works to feel rested. Build a relationship with your kids, both need you. Explain to them what went wrong. Kids are smart. If you are being honest, maybe not soon, but in years they'll make their own mind. Maybe some sort of counseling together with them?

 

Give your girlfriend the time to move where you are. She is leaving her life for you. Appreciate that. Please don't cheat if you don't want to lose this woman.

 

Focus on you, rebuild the relationship with the kids. The business and girlfriend will get better with time if do the first part.

 

Counselling together with the kids sounds a good idea...how to convince them to do that when I cannot even get them to go to the cinema with me!!?

 

I am trying to give my girlfriend time but again - I have been with her 2 years and have not cheated on her.

 

I am trying to focus on the kids but when we are together and we talk the monosyllabic replies at my attempt to have a conversation always seems to kill progression. Am I trying too hard? Maybe I need to leave them be and then try again after say 2 weeks or so?

[zeefer]

I've spent the better part of my years watching an entire family business go to ruins because of things this OP has posted...leaving her life..that's rich. Don't cheat...no, he probably won't, but that won't stop her gold-digging and cheating ways. Players and people who will give up their lives to be played...doesn't cease to amaze me, someone ALWAYS loses.

 

I still go back to my original question, if a man were doing this to your daughter, would you approve?

 

I don think she is a gold digger...she is a lawyer and has a highly paid job and one of the reasons she does not want to come to live with me is that her lifestyle and quality of life where she lives is very high. She doesnt need my money - thats for sure.

 

Daughter question was answered previously

[zeefer]

It appears to me as if you are still looking towards your wife as a source of support for you.

 

Your relationship with the kids is going to have to be facilitated and maintained by you now, your wife is not going to be your stand-in anymore.

 

 

Agreed and makes sense - so how to do this? I am trying to speak to the kids-maybe much more than they I used to do so and maybe that seems strange to them? How do I do this when they constantly seem irritated that I have even called to speak to them?

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe you are correct in inferring I am selfish...so what to do now?

Apologize to those you've hurt. Tell your GF that your focus is on reconnecting with your kids and you can't be involved in a relationship right now, you need all your time and energy for this. You've spent decades screwing up and being self-indulgent, it's going to take some time to convince the people you love that you're for real.

 

Do you have the resolve to do what needs to be done? Won't be easy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zeefer]

The only thing I'm going to contribute here is about the kids. Hypothetically speaking, if you and your girlfriend pursue your relationship, what happens to your kids and hers? Are you actually willing to move to another country and leave YOUR kids? Is she willing to do the same if that's not the case? I'm curious to hear your answer on this. Because if you are willing to leave your kids for her or vice versa, then I have no sympathy for you here. The kids are your priority. And should be for her. You couldn't pay me any amount of money to move away from my kids.

 

Also, how did this relationship start and develop? Have you actually BEEN with her? Or is this some online deal and she's milking you for a visa?

 

 

She will move to my country with her child. I will not leave my kids for anyone too and neither would she and if she did then I would not want to be with her anyway!! No this is not some online deal and yes we have spent lots of time together and met each other through mutual friends. She does need a visa but can afford to do all of this herself and lives a comfortable and afflluent lifestyle in her home country

[zeefer]

Apologize to those you've hurt. Tell your GF that your focus is on reconnecting with your kids and you can't be involved in a relationship right now, you need all your time and energy for this. You've spent decades screwing up and being self-indulgent, it's going to take some time to convince the people you love that you're for real.

 

Do you have the resolve to do what needs to be done? Won't be easy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have apologised many times since I left. So are you saying I have to leave my girlfriend (who I have loved like no other women ever) ? Is wanting to stay with my GF self indulgent? What about if I do not love my ex wife anymore? I dont get it

[whichwayisup]

There WAS love between my wife and I but its so far gone its beyond repair...sorry we did go through counselling and all that happened was it was 1 hour of anger and crying from my wife's side...in the end the counsellor told us to stop coming together and to come individually and rightly or wrongly we gave up at that point going. I love my wife but not as MY woman and simply as the mother of our children.

 

Even if she does forgive me I simply do not want to go back to her - that part is over.

 

The kids do not know about the OW and therefore not her son. My kids are hardly speaking to me and struggling with that. I am trying not to go into self pity mode even though it does come through from time to time.

 

My ex wife almost does not want me involved with the kids too but if I bring this up she vehemently denies this but her actions are in contradiction with her denial.

 

I do feel responsible for all of this but how to move on? I am already going to counselling on my own.

 

Then go to counseling on your own. Then once you've gone on your own for a while and are strong, ready to face things in a healthier way, bring your wife and TOGETHER learn how to co parent together as a team - As friends, as mom and dad, not husband and wife. File for divorce and both of you put the kids first.

 

As for your OW and her son - THEY come last until you get your life in order and are on better terms with your kids. If it is 'real' between you and your OW, she'll wait it out and as long as you follow through on your promises to her (divorce etc) then once your life is settled more, THEN go date her in the proper way. Until then, you need to focus on your own children and not on her son. He isn't your kid and you have NO obligation to him. Remember that.

[whichwayisup]

Agreed and makes sense - so how to do this? I am trying to speak to the kids-maybe much more than they I used to do so and maybe that seems strange to them? How do I do this when they constantly seem irritated that I have even called to speak to them?

 

How old are your kids?

 

Look, they know you f'ed up and are hurt by what has happened. All you can do is tell them you love them and want a chance to reconnect with them. tell them on their terms, you won't push but you're not going away either. You own your mistakes, tell them that too and ask them when they are ready, you'd love to do counseling with them to fix everything.

 

You are their dad and they do love you!

[2sunny]

First of all - you originally apologized to your W but continued to do the same act that you know originally hut her.

 

So irreparable harm most likely has occurred. No wonder your W is angry with you... Especially since you're not a man of your word. Your apology didn't match your actions = caused greater pain! You did all that! And you still act entitled...

 

Your relationship with your kids is your responsibility. You've ignored them for many years! So - if it takes ten years to walk into the Forrest - it takes ten years to walk out. Meaning- IF you intend to make those kids a part of your life - the EFFORT to do that is only on YOU - and it may take ten years for the to trust you not to disappear on them... Running away constantly to chase your girlfriend or "be absent" because business is more important than a relationship with them.

 

They feel abandoned by you - why should they make effort now - you've ignored them for years? They also don't trust you! It's your job to EARN their trust back by being consistent and keeping your word.

 

 

And don't think they don't know! Kids always know...you thinking they are that stupid makes me mad at you. Give them some credit! They are telling you with their actions that they have no use for someone who's ignored hem for years.

 

Get honest! Sit them down and tell them what YOU HAVE BEEN DOING! Explain YOUR intent to rebuild the relationship and ASK THEM if they even want to!

 

And never tell them you plan to do anything unless you KNOW you can carry it out!

 

Ask your counselor to help you overcome your selfish and self serving attitude.

 

You think too much of yourself - and how to get more, more, more...start by volunteering your time to a few worthy causes. You need to begin understanding how to be a giver without expecting anything in return.

[zeefer]

First of all - you originally apologized to your W but continued to do the same act that you know originally hut her.

 

So irreparable harm most likely has occurred. No wonder your W is angry with you... Especially since you're not a man of your word. Your apology didn't match your actions = caused greater pain! You did all that! And you still act entitled...

 

Your relationship with your kids is your responsibility. You've ignored them for many years! So - if it takes ten years to walk into the Forrest - it takes ten years to walk out. Meaning- IF you intend to make those kids a part of your life - the EFFORT to do that is only on YOU - and it may take ten years for the to trust you not to disappear on them... Running away constantly to chase your girlfriend or "be absent" because business is more important than a relationship with them.

 

They feel abandoned by you - why should they make effort now - you've ignored them for years? They also don't trust you! It's your job to EARN their trust back by being consistent and keeping your word.

 

 

And don't think they don't know! Kids always know...you thinking they are that stupid makes me mad at you. Give them some credit! They are telling you with their actions that they have no use for someone who's ignored hem for years.

 

Get honest! Sit them down and tell them what YOU HAVE BEEN DOING! Explain YOUR intent to rebuild the relationship and ASK THEM if they even want to!

 

And never tell them you plan to do anything unless you KNOW you can carry it out!

 

Ask your counselor to help you overcome your selfish and self serving attitude.

 

You think too much of yourself - and how to get more, more, more...start by volunteering your time to a few worthy causes. You need to begin understanding how to be a giver without expecting anything in return.

 

OK firstly I do not love my wife anymore - just want to make that clear. I have not been in love with her for about 5 years. If I was in love with her I would not have cheated. Does it not make 2 people to make a relationship fail or am I wrong there too? Secondly are any of these people responding here people from a clinically depressed background and does anyone writing here apart from one take that into account before using words like entitlement and

selfish and so on? I know I have done wrong. My wife also was not always an angel too. I accept responsibility and the pain and the issues. I am trying to make myself a better person but being kicked in the b***s constantly does not help me or my wife or the kids - Solutions is what I search for. I have started counselling by myself already.

[zeefer]

How old are your kids?

 

Look, they know you f'ed up and are hurt by what has happened. All you can do is tell them you love them and want a chance to reconnect with them. tell them on their terms, you won't push but you're not going away either. You own your mistakes, tell them that too and ask them when they are ready, you'd love to do counseling with them to fix everything.

 

You are their dad and they do love you!

 

Again not looking for sympathy - I made my bed and have to lie in it. I am not a bad person. I simply tried my best in the way I knew how and failed....thanks for understanding me. I have suggested counselling and they all look at me as if I am the one with the issues so why should they all go. I love my kids deeply...and in some ways love my wife too but not as a wife but as a relative. I want happiness for myself too...before it seems everyone else was happy but me. I tried to change things and made it worse..Yes I am an idiot but I am human and not perfect

[zeefer]

First of all - you originally apologized to your W but continued to do the same act that you know originally hut her.

 

So irreparable harm most likely has occurred. No wonder your W is angry with you... Especially since you're not a man of your word. Your apology didn't match your actions = caused greater pain! You did all that! And you still act entitled...

 

 

I apologised and then for years later I was constantly reminded of my errors...I did not apologise and then cheat on her the next day. I tried to make it work - why did she not reciprocate? Eventually I gave up trying. Not justifying just telling the facts. Also it takes 2 people to solve issues not just one.

 

It was not more more more for me. The people who materially benefitted were my kids and my wife. I did not even have the time to enjoy the success. So what was it all for? I felt in my head I was working for my family and at the same time that same family ended up becoming estranged from me

[zeefer]

How old are your kids?

 

Look, they know you f'ed up and are hurt by what has happened. All you can do is tell them you love them and want a chance to reconnect with them. tell them on their terms, you won't push but you're not going away either. You own your mistakes, tell them that too and ask them when they are ready, you'd love to do counseling with them to fix everything.

 

You are their dad and they do love you!

 

Boy is 17 this month and girl is 14 going on 35 I love them to death. I have told them I want to reconnect. I have told them I am here and not going away but they seem simply fed up with me. I hope they do love me...

[whichwayisup]

Boy is 17 this month and girl is 14 going on 35 I love them to death. I have told them I want to reconnect. I have told them I am here and not going away but they seem simply fed up with me. I hope they do love me...

 

They do. They just won't show it until they're ready to.

 

Give them time and space.