43 Yr Old Guy Separated - Long Story...

[zeefer]

Then go to counseling on your own. Then once you've gone on your own for a while and are strong, ready to face things in a healthier way, bring your wife and TOGETHER learn how to co parent together as a team - As friends, as mom and dad, not husband and wife. File for divorce and both of you put the kids first.

 

As for your OW and her son - THEY come last until you get your life in order and are on better terms with your kids. If it is 'real' between you and your OW, she'll wait it out and as long as you follow through on your promises to her (divorce etc) then once your life is settled more, THEN go date her in the proper way. Until then, you need to focus on your own children and not on her son. He isn't your kid and you have NO obligation to him. Remember that.

 

I am going counselling on my own for some time now. I am looking to coparent...the wife is not - I am excluded constantly even when I was living at home. In terms of the OW - I do not even see her as the OW she is more my wife than my real wife ever was - ever. Also whats all this talk about the kid not being my responsibility. He is my responsibillity - I do not differentiate between my kids and her kids - thats not right. I am able to focus on my kids and her son too.

[zeefer]

They do. They just won't show it until they're ready to.

 

Give them time and space.

 

Thanks so much - your words give me hope

[2sunny]

Just continue showing loving behavior to the kids. It may take ,15 years to turn it around... Mainly because it took 15 years to get to this place.

 

Just be with them - even if they don't want to talk.

 

Don't speak ill of your wife - that hurts there heart.

[zeefer]

Just continue showing loving behavior to the kids. It may take ,15 years to turn it around... Mainly because it took 15 years to get to this place.

 

Just be with them - even if they don't want to talk.

 

Don't speak ill of your wife - that hurts there heart.

 

I never talk bad about my wife no matter how angry I am- she is the mother of my kids. I just wish she would reciprocate. I am already doing that - just sitting with them even when they dont talk.

[2sunny]

Think of it this way...

 

If someone ignored you and didn't have an interest in you most of your life and then suddenly wanted to know you - you might not trust them.

 

Trust is EARNED - and it takes a LONG time to trust! Actions must consistently match words!

[Yasuandio]

I am trying to give my girlfriend time but again - I have been with her 2 years and have not cheated on her.

 

I am trying to focus on the kids but when we are together and we talk the monosyllabic replies at my attempt to have a conversation always seems to kill progression.

 

So, lemme get this straight. You're a serial cheater on your wife, but you don't cheat on your girlfriend (and it's been a whole two years), although you're married. Right. Not only that, you are cheating on you children with your friendgirl's daddy's nine-year old, and you wonder why your kids speak to you in monosyllabicia? I'm surprised they are not shunning you like an Amish escapee. Oh, Dear. And you think your depressed.

 

Here's a moto I've learned (the hard way) to live by: "When you make your bed, you probably will be sleeping in it."

 

Here's another version: "Sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas." Now that really has happened to me!

 

Yas

[2sunny]

You're depressed because of your choices.

 

Lets get it straight - I don't know ANY kids that would be thrilled that Daddy ignored them for years ---> meanwhile spending time and energy on another woman and her son...seeming more concerned about building a relationship witha other kid compared to his own kids.

 

They are flaming mad at you!

 

You focused on another gal instead of their Mom!you focused on another kid instead of your own!

 

Do you not see howYOU CAUSED the harm that's coming back at you?

 

And now you're all worried about YOU?

 

You should be focusing on repairing that damage you caused...no matter how you feel - you owe it to your kids!

 

Sop ANY and ALL contact with what distracts you (your OW and her son) - that attention should be only on your kids for here forward.

[whichwayisup]

I am going counselling on my own for some time now. I am looking to coparent...the wife is not - I am excluded constantly even when I was living at home. In terms of the OW - I do not even see her as the OW she is more my wife than my real wife ever was - ever. Also whats all this talk about the kid not being my responsibility. He is my responsibillity - I do not differentiate between my kids and her kids - thats not right. I am able to focus on my kids and her son too.

 

Your kids may be feeling this, that you think of her son as your own. the thing is, that woman isn't your wife..She isn't your family yet. You are not obligated, but you are to your kids. they aren't stupid so if they feel threatened or like you're into or spending too much time with her son, they may feel jealous and hurt. They know of OW and her son?

 

I never talk bad about my wife no matter how angry I am- she is the mother of my kids. I just wish she would reciprocate. I am already doing that - just sitting with them even when they dont talk.

 

Then tell your wife to stop bad mouthing you to the kids, if she is doing that and to put more effort in to co parent with you because that is what is best for them.

[crazykat73]

First of all, I am seperated, my husband is 43 and from England so this all sounds eerie! My best advice to you is what someone told me and it's really helped greatly:

 

"Control the things you can control and stop beating yourself up over the things that are not in your control" - you can really spin your wheels here forever which I'm guilty of myself. Start today with getting a sheet of paper, write down the things that you can control. Then make a list of the things you can do to get each item under better control. Then make a list of things out of your control and how it makes you feel. Go to therapy to work on letting some of these things go and work on things in your control, work on yourself....things have a way of reparing when you do this. Another great piece of advice....don't live your life looking in the rear view mirror - look ahead. You ARE a GOOD person who made BAD decisions. That doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy. You have to have the courage to work on the things in your control and this sometimes means letting go of other things (like maybe the girlfriend)? Your wife also has to be forgiving and has to reach a point where she stops punishing you and you agree to move forward from this day.....nothing will ever heal if you punish for past behavior. The fact that you're writing about this means you are a good person and have a conscious....stay strong. Life is short...you can can get it under control. Write down on the list, the things you can control with not only your personal life, but work, etc. Write down changes that might bring things under better control....good luck.

[divadiva]

This is my first post - I have been a long time lurker but your post compelled me to join. I would say that I'm adding my '2 cents' but I feel like I'm adding $50 (sorry about the long post).

 

You might not like what I write because I will be quite blunt with you. Reading through your responses I can see that you don't even understand the hurt you have caused to your wife and family.

 

You have asked us to be "gentle". The problem is you are too gentle on yourself. I am going to give you the hard word. I am going to be constructive, not bitchy.

 

 

1. You apportion blame and minimize your role in this situation

 

I am assuming this is the biggest reason that your wife and children want nothing to do with you. You cannot accept responsibility.

 

You make the comments:

"Secondly are any of these people responding here people from a clinically depressed background and does anyone writing here apart from one take that into account before using words like entitlement and

selfish and so on?"

It is irrelevant what background we are from. You HAVE behaved selfishly - by putting your needs ahead of anyone elses. You are hiding behind your self-diagnosis of clinical depression (which by the way your past actions DID NOT meet the criteria for) as an excuse for your behaviour or a way of minimizing your role. Perhaps you have dysthymia or an adjustment disorder. That still isn't an excuse for what you did - everyone goes through sh*t in their life at one stage or another. We do not all run to someone else for sex when our relationships deteriorate.

 

Everyone here is telling you that you behaved selfishy. Your wife and children are telling you that you behaved selfishly. You need to admit it to yourself.

 

YOU made the choice to pull out your d**k and have a quick rub. Not anyone else. That was selfish. YOU made the choice to continue to do so. That was also selfish. It is irrelevant whether your are 'depressed'. (BTW you would have no desire or minimal desire to have sex if you were clinically depressed). Perhaps you would consider it fairer to say that when you were a depressed person you acted selfishly. Either way your actions were selfish. Do not blame your wife for that choice. She did not ask you to do that to her. Your children did not ask you to do that. NOT LOVING YOUR WIFE is not an excuse to f**k someone else. Her nasty comments are not an excuse for cheating. You are making it an excuse. You are making "depression" an excuse. Stop making excuses.

 

With regards to your comments: "My wife tried her best to support and understand me but no matter what I always felt bad all of the time. I felt kind of as if I was my wife was getting tired of listening to the same problems of mine....I felt that she had kind of given up on me in terms of how I behaved and how I was always depressed and that she would benefit from the financial successes whilst to be honest I was always too busy to enjoy."

 

These are very valid concerns and feelings that you have expressed. These feelings may have contribute to a deterioration in your relationship or you falling out of love with her. These feelings are not an excuse for you cheating on her.

 

You have been described as selfish because you chose to have a quick romp in the hay at the expense of your wife and children's feelings. You were selfish because you chose your di*k over your wife and children's feelings. You continued to chose your di*k over them on a "path of mini affairs". You were not mature enough to see the utter hurt and pain you caused (Surely you did not understand. If you truly did understand the hurt and pain you caused then you are a disgusting cruel and nasty man for continuing to have affairs).

 

You have been described as entitled because you felt you had the right to do that. You are described as entitled because you believe " wife's reaction" gave you the right or justification to sleep with someone else.

 

A quick word on your wifes reaction You wife's attempts to hurt you by saying "you are used to an old pair of slippers" or emasculating you in front of the kids may be her way of trying to regain some control of your recurrent cheating. Also by hurting you there is some justice in the hurt she is feeling. I am not in anyway justifying what she has said. But you must understand that you have completely belittled her, chosen other women over her, taken away her dignity and destroyed the most important thing to her: her lovely nuclear family. She has no control over that. Of course she feels like hurting you. You did not even give her the respect of separating from her - you continued to remain married and cheat. You did not even FIGHT for the relationship. She wanted to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness - beg her to take you back. She wanted to you say 'I'd rather die than hurt you like that again. I'm so sorry". You didn't do that. You instead did the opposite: you continued to hurt her. She is still angry. You told her you were sorry but you showed her that you weren't by continuing to have affairs.

 

You also give the impression that because you are the breadwinner you had the right to have affairs. Ie I work hard and my family enjoys themselves. I go through sh*t for them - why shouldn't I enjoy myself. An air of resentment. I do not know if you intend to give off this vibe. You haven't explicitly stated this but this i the impression I get. I assume your family would sense this too and this would make them very upset.

I bet that if you were to divorce she would take every penny from you and leave you a haggard man on the street if she could. She is still angry! She will want to hurt you as a way of getting some justice from the situtation.

 

Possible start to a solution:

 

You asked "how long will I keep paying for [my mistakes]": answer - until you face up to them and stop apportioning blame. You continue to make your bed and lie in it. You have never shown your family that you are truly sorry and that you are capable of change.

 

Firstly you need to admit to yourself that you HAVE been selfish. You have been ENTITLED. Take the time to reflect on this. Have the maturity to admit this. It takes a very big person to take a look at their character and face this. You cannot be sorry without repent. You cannot repent what you did if you are apportioning blame or minimising your actions.

 

As far as they can see (and we here on the forums can see) is that you refuse to admit that. To them your apologies are shallow. Your excuses are a waste of air. You need to turn around to them and say - yes I was a bad man (yes you were - do not try and convince yourself that you were not). Yes I was selfish and entitled. I made the wrong choices. I was disrespectful. My social circumstances and "depressed mood" are not an excuse for this. Stand up and take full responsibility. Do not use any "BUT YOU DID THIS" " BUT YOU SAID THAT". Face up to it. Your d*ck was making you happy at a time of sadness. Your d*ck was controlling you actions and your keep trying to blame others for it. You chose your dick over your children's happiness. You chose your d*ck over the mother of your flesh and blood. You knew that the affairs would hurt them but you continued to do it. To them you are the very definition of selfish.

 

They will not come running back to you but I feel like they might have some closure over your affairs and over time develop some semblance of a relationship. It will take time. A long time.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't admit your full responsibility, immature and selfish behaviour to yourself then it is likely that your ex-family will never talk to you. It shows that you are not capable of change.

 

Your life is falling apart because you made it fall apart. Your actions caused it to fall apart. Your actions caused your wife to be angry and say nasty things. They caused your children to be upset. They will cause a whole lot more if you can't face up to that and you may end up with nothing.

 

 

ok now moving on....

 

The other woman

 

Oh boy.

 

You are now being selfish by expecting her to leave her child for a week to be with you. Let me make this clear- in normal families it is a big deal to be separated from your child for a week. It is the norm for you to be separated from your children because of your work lifestyle so it seems you are unable to comprehend this kind of attachment. You are being selfish by expecting her to drop her child - to drop her responsibilities for a week of horizontal action with you.

 

I understand that you want to forge a relationship with this child. Just understand that this is a bad look for your blood children since you have not properly made a meaningful attempt to reconcile with them (that's right - you HAVEN'T. You are not fighting for their love - you are not doing whatever it takes). It looks bad to your gf too. Most (not all) women like men that prioritize their family. You have disrespected your current family and you are now trying to get her to drop her family for a week. Its not a good look.

 

You are not 20 for god's sake. You are 43. You cannot expect women to travel around the world to have sex with you. You brought life into this world. You have responsibilities.

Your gf has a massive responsibility. The same responsibility your wife had. The same responsibility you forgot. Grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your life on track. Your future girlfriends will look back on your past actions and judge you for this so it's time to right any wrongs.

 

By continuing to remain sorry for yourself your family feel anger at a lack of resolution. You are blocking your social supports. By threatening them with 'depression' or self harm you are going to make them feel resentful.

 

 

If you continue to solve your problems by getting 'quick fixes' - ie affairs OR by ignoring one problem and running to the next you are just going to keep creating stress for yourself and hurt for others.

 

You need to remember you are not an awful person. You went out and earnt money for your family so they could have everything they wanted. That is a good thing. You just made some horrible mistakes. You didn't handle the mistakes well and you made more mistakes.

 

I wish you well in your endeavours. I do believe you can make a step in the right direction.

I apologize that I was very harsh.

Edited December 1, 2012 by divadiva
changes

[2sunny]

This is my first post - I have been a long time lurker but your post compelled me to join. I would say that I'm adding my '2 cents' but I feel like I'm adding $50 (sorry about the long post).

 

You might not like what I write because I will be quite blunt with you. Reading through your responses I can see that you don't even understand the hurt you have caused to your wife and family.

 

You have asked us to be "gentle". The problem is you are too gentle on yourself. I am going to give you the hard word. I am going to be constructive, not bitchy.

 

 

1. You apportion blame and minimize your role in this situation

 

I am assuming this is the biggest reason that your wife and children want nothing to do with you. You cannot accept responsibility.

 

You make the comments:

"Secondly are any of these people responding here people from a clinically depressed background and does anyone writing here apart from one take that into account before using words like entitlement and

selfish and so on?"

It is irrelevant what background we are from. You HAVE behaved selfishly - by putting your needs ahead of anyone elses. You are hiding behind your self-diagnosis of clinical depression (which by the way your past actions DID NOT meet the criteria for) as an excuse for your behaviour or a way of minimizing your role. Perhaps you have dysthymia or an adjustment disorder. That still isn't an excuse for what you did - everyone goes through sh*t in their life at one stage or another. We do not all run to someone else for sex when our relationships deteriorate.

 

Everyone here is telling you that you behaved selfishy. Your wife and children are telling you that you behaved selfishly. You need to admit it to yourself.

 

YOU made the choice to pull out your d**k and have a quick rub. Not anyone else. That was selfish. YOU made the choice to continue to do so. That was also selfish. It is irrelevant whether your are 'depressed'. (BTW you would have no desire or minimal desire to have sex if you were clinically depressed). Perhaps you would consider it fairer to say that when you were a depressed person you acted selfishly. Either way your actions were selfish. Do not blame your wife for that choice. She did not ask you to do that to her. Your children did not ask you to do that. NOT LOVING YOUR WIFE is not an excuse to f**k someone else. Her nasty comments are not an excuse for cheating. You are making it an excuse. You are making "depression" an excuse. Stop making excuses.

 

With regards to your comments: "My wife tried her best to support and understand me but no matter what I always felt bad all of the time. I felt kind of as if I was my wife was getting tired of listening to the same problems of mine....I felt that she had kind of given up on me in terms of how I behaved and how I was always depressed and that she would benefit from the financial successes whilst to be honest I was always too busy to enjoy."

 

These are very valid concerns and feelings that you have expressed. These feelings may have contribute to a deterioration in your relationship or you falling out of love with her. These feelings are not an excuse for you cheating on her.

 

You have been described as selfish because you chose to have a quick romp in the hay at the expense of your wife and children's feelings. You were selfish because you chose your di*k over your wife and children's feelings. You continued to chose your di*k over them on a "path of mini affairs". You were not mature enough to see the utter hurt and pain you caused (Surely you did not understand. If you truly did understand the hurt and pain you caused then you are a disgusting cruel and nasty man for continuing to have affairs).

 

You have been described as entitled because you felt you had the right to do that. You are described as entitled because you believe " wife's reaction" gave you the right or justification to sleep with someone else.

 

A quick word on your wifes reaction You wife's attempts to hurt you by saying "you are used to an old pair of slippers" or emasculating you in front of the kids may be her way of trying to regain some control of your recurrent cheating. Also by hurting you there is some justice in the hurt she is feeling. I am not in anyway justifying what she has said. But you must understand that you have completely belittled her, chosen other women over her, taken away her dignity and destroyed the most important thing to her: her lovely nuclear family. She has no control over that. Of course she feels like hurting you. You did not even give her the respect of separating from her - you continued to remain married and cheat. You did not even FIGHT for the relationship. She wanted to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness - beg her to take you back. She wanted to you say 'I'd rather die than hurt you like that again. I'm so sorry". You didn't do that. You instead did the opposite: you continued to hurt her. She is still angry. You told her you were sorry but you showed her that you weren't by continuing to have affairs.

 

You also give the impression that because you are the breadwinner you had the right to have affairs. Ie I work hard and my family enjoys themselves. I go through sh*t for them - why shouldn't I enjoy myself. An air of resentment. I do not know if you intend to give off this vibe. You haven't explicitly stated this but this i the impression I get. I assume your family would sense this too and this would make them very upset.

I bet that if you were to divorce she would take every penny from you and leave you a haggard man on the street if she could. She is still angry! She will want to hurt you as a way of getting some justice from the situtation.

 

Possible start to a solution:

 

You asked "how long will I keep paying for [my mistakes]": answer - until you face up to them and stop apportioning blame. You continue to make your bed and lie in it. You have never shown your family that you are truly sorry and that you are capable of change.

 

Firstly you need to admit to yourself that you HAVE been selfish. You have been ENTITLED. Take the time to reflect on this. Have the maturity to admit this. It takes a very big person to take a look at their character and face this. You cannot be sorry without repent. You cannot repent what you did if you are apportioning blame or minimising your actions.

 

As far as they can see (and we here on the forums can see) is that you refuse to admit that. To them your apologies are shallow. Your excuses are a waste of air. You need to turn around to them and say - yes I was a bad man (yes you were - do not try and convince yourself that you were not). Yes I was selfish and entitled. I made the wrong choices. I was disrespectful. My social circumstances and "depressed mood" are not an excuse for this. Stand up and take full responsibility. Do not use any "BUT YOU DID THIS" " BUT YOU SAID THAT". Face up to it. Your d*ck was making you happy at a time of sadness. Your d*ck was controlling you actions and your keep trying to blame others for it. You chose your dick over your children's happiness. You chose your d*ck over the mother of your flesh and blood. You knew that the affairs would hurt them but you continued to do it. To them you are the very definition of selfish.

 

They will not come running back to you but I feel like they might have some closure over your affairs and over time develop some semblance of a relationship. It will take time. A long time.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't admit your full responsibility, immature and selfish behaviour to yourself then it is likely that your ex-family will never talk to you. It shows that you are not capable of change.

 

Your life is falling apart because you made it fall apart. Your actions caused it to fall apart. Your actions caused your wife to be angry and say nasty things. They caused your children to be upset. They will cause a whole lot more if you can't face up to that and you may end up with nothing.

 

 

ok now moving on....

 

The other woman

 

Oh boy.

 

You are now being selfish by expecting her to leave her child for a week to be with you. Let me make this clear- in normal families it is a big deal to be separated from your child for a week. It is the norm for you to be separated from your children because of your work lifestyle so it seems you are unable to comprehend this kind of attachment. You are being selfish by expecting her to drop her child - to drop her responsibilities for a week of horizontal action with you.

 

I understand that you want to forge a relationship with this child. Just understand that this is a bad look for your blood children since you have not properly made a meaningful attempt to reconcile with them (that's right - you HAVEN'T. You are not fighting for their love - you are not doing whatever it takes). It looks bad to your gf too. Most (not all) women like men that prioritize their family. You have disrespected your current family and you are now trying to get her to drop her family for a week. Its not a good look.

 

You are not 20 for god's sake. You are 43. You cannot expect women to travel around the world to have sex with you. You brought life into this world. You have responsibilities.

Your gf has a massive responsibility. The same responsibility your wife had. The same responsibility you forgot. Grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your life on track. Your future girlfriends will look back on your past actions and judge you for this so it's time to right any wrongs.

 

By continuing to remain sorry for yourself your family feel anger at a lack of resolution. You are blocking your social supports. By threatening them with 'depression' or self harm you are going to make them feel resentful.

 

 

If you continue to solve your problems by getting 'quick fixes' - ie affairs OR by ignoring one problem and running to the next you are just going to keep creating stress for yourself and hurt for others.

 

You need to remember you are not an awful person. You went out and earnt money for your family so they could have everything they wanted. That is a good thing. You just made some horrible mistakes. You didn't handle the mistakes well and you made more mistakes.

 

I wish you well in your endeavours. I do believe you can make a step in the right direction.

I apologize that I was very harsh.

 

Good post! You should post more often!

[divadiva]

Good post! You should post more often!

 

Thanks! That's very lovely of you to say.

[trippi1432]

:bunny: Wow!! I'm a fan divadiva...standing ovation!!

 

Well said!!!

[Steen719]

:bunny: Wow!! I'm a fan divadiva...standing ovation!!

 

Well said!!!

 

Me too! ^^^^^

[2sunny]

You've completely ruined your M with your selfish actions. Same with your kids by not being involved in their lives over the years.

 

Then you placed your time and energy on another woman and HER child.

 

If you wanted the OW - proper order would be to divorce - then date her.

 

You have caused probably irreparable damage to your W and kids.

 

Those are CONSEQUENCES you take because you've been occupied elsewhere.

 

Why haven't you gotten divorced?

[Tenacity]

Sorry but I completely agree.

 

Your first priority should have been your children and it NEVER was.

 

You deserve whatever you get.

[Tenacity]

This is my first post - I have been a long time lurker but your post compelled me to join. I would say that I'm adding my '2 cents' but I feel like I'm adding $50 (sorry about the long post).

 

You might not like what I write because I will be quite blunt with you. Reading through your responses I can see that you don't even understand the hurt you have caused to your wife and family.

 

You have asked us to be "gentle". The problem is you are too gentle on yourself. I am going to give you the hard word. I am going to be constructive, not bitchy.

 

 

1. You apportion blame and minimize your role in this situation

 

I am assuming this is the biggest reason that your wife and children want nothing to do with you. You cannot accept responsibility.

 

You make the comments:

"Secondly are any of these people responding here people from a clinically depressed background and does anyone writing here apart from one take that into account before using words like entitlement and

selfish and so on?"

It is irrelevant what background we are from. You HAVE behaved selfishly - by putting your needs ahead of anyone elses. You are hiding behind your self-diagnosis of clinical depression (which by the way your past actions DID NOT meet the criteria for) as an excuse for your behaviour or a way of minimizing your role. Perhaps you have dysthymia or an adjustment disorder. That still isn't an excuse for what you did - everyone goes through sh*t in their life at one stage or another. We do not all run to someone else for sex when our relationships deteriorate.

 

Everyone here is telling you that you behaved selfishy. Your wife and children are telling you that you behaved selfishly. You need to admit it to yourself.

 

YOU made the choice to pull out your d**k and have a quick rub. Not anyone else. That was selfish. YOU made the choice to continue to do so. That was also selfish. It is irrelevant whether your are 'depressed'. (BTW you would have no desire or minimal desire to have sex if you were clinically depressed). Perhaps you would consider it fairer to say that when you were a depressed person you acted selfishly. Either way your actions were selfish. Do not blame your wife for that choice. She did not ask you to do that to her. Your children did not ask you to do that. NOT LOVING YOUR WIFE is not an excuse to f**k someone else. Her nasty comments are not an excuse for cheating. You are making it an excuse. You are making "depression" an excuse. Stop making excuses.

 

With regards to your comments: "My wife tried her best to support and understand me but no matter what I always felt bad all of the time. I felt kind of as if I was my wife was getting tired of listening to the same problems of mine....I felt that she had kind of given up on me in terms of how I behaved and how I was always depressed and that she would benefit from the financial successes whilst to be honest I was always too busy to enjoy."

 

These are very valid concerns and feelings that you have expressed. These feelings may have contribute to a deterioration in your relationship or you falling out of love with her. These feelings are not an excuse for you cheating on her.

 

You have been described as selfish because you chose to have a quick romp in the hay at the expense of your wife and children's feelings. You were selfish because you chose your di*k over your wife and children's feelings. You continued to chose your di*k over them on a "path of mini affairs". You were not mature enough to see the utter hurt and pain you caused (Surely you did not understand. If you truly did understand the hurt and pain you caused then you are a disgusting cruel and nasty man for continuing to have affairs).

 

You have been described as entitled because you felt you had the right to do that. You are described as entitled because you believe " wife's reaction" gave you the right or justification to sleep with someone else.

 

A quick word on your wifes reaction You wife's attempts to hurt you by saying "you are used to an old pair of slippers" or emasculating you in front of the kids may be her way of trying to regain some control of your recurrent cheating. Also by hurting you there is some justice in the hurt she is feeling. I am not in anyway justifying what she has said. But you must understand that you have completely belittled her, chosen other women over her, taken away her dignity and destroyed the most important thing to her: her lovely nuclear family. She has no control over that. Of course she feels like hurting you. You did not even give her the respect of separating from her - you continued to remain married and cheat. You did not even FIGHT for the relationship. She wanted to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness - beg her to take you back. She wanted to you say 'I'd rather die than hurt you like that again. I'm so sorry". You didn't do that. You instead did the opposite: you continued to hurt her. She is still angry. You told her you were sorry but you showed her that you weren't by continuing to have affairs.

 

You also give the impression that because you are the breadwinner you had the right to have affairs. Ie I work hard and my family enjoys themselves. I go through sh*t for them - why shouldn't I enjoy myself. An air of resentment. I do not know if you intend to give off this vibe. You haven't explicitly stated this but this i the impression I get. I assume your family would sense this too and this would make them very upset.

I bet that if you were to divorce she would take every penny from you and leave you a haggard man on the street if she could. She is still angry! She will want to hurt you as a way of getting some justice from the situtation.

 

Possible start to a solution:

 

You asked "how long will I keep paying for [my mistakes]": answer - until you face up to them and stop apportioning blame. You continue to make your bed and lie in it. You have never shown your family that you are truly sorry and that you are capable of change.

 

Firstly you need to admit to yourself that you HAVE been selfish. You have been ENTITLED. Take the time to reflect on this. Have the maturity to admit this. It takes a very big person to take a look at their character and face this. You cannot be sorry without repent. You cannot repent what you did if you are apportioning blame or minimising your actions.

 

As far as they can see (and we here on the forums can see) is that you refuse to admit that. To them your apologies are shallow. Your excuses are a waste of air. You need to turn around to them and say - yes I was a bad man (yes you were - do not try and convince yourself that you were not). Yes I was selfish and entitled. I made the wrong choices. I was disrespectful. My social circumstances and "depressed mood" are not an excuse for this. Stand up and take full responsibility. Do not use any "BUT YOU DID THIS" " BUT YOU SAID THAT". Face up to it. Your d*ck was making you happy at a time of sadness. Your d*ck was controlling you actions and your keep trying to blame others for it. You chose your dick over your children's happiness. You chose your d*ck over the mother of your flesh and blood. You knew that the affairs would hurt them but you continued to do it. To them you are the very definition of selfish.

 

They will not come running back to you but I feel like they might have some closure over your affairs and over time develop some semblance of a relationship. It will take time. A long time.

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you can't admit your full responsibility, immature and selfish behaviour to yourself then it is likely that your ex-family will never talk to you. It shows that you are not capable of change.

 

Your life is falling apart because you made it fall apart. Your actions caused it to fall apart. Your actions caused your wife to be angry and say nasty things. They caused your children to be upset. They will cause a whole lot more if you can't face up to that and you may end up with nothing.

 

 

ok now moving on....

 

The other woman

 

Oh boy.

 

You are now being selfish by expecting her to leave her child for a week to be with you. Let me make this clear- in normal families it is a big deal to be separated from your child for a week. It is the norm for you to be separated from your children because of your work lifestyle so it seems you are unable to comprehend this kind of attachment. You are being selfish by expecting her to drop her child - to drop her responsibilities for a week of horizontal action with you.

 

I understand that you want to forge a relationship with this child. Just understand that this is a bad look for your blood children since you have not properly made a meaningful attempt to reconcile with them (that's right - you HAVEN'T. You are not fighting for their love - you are not doing whatever it takes). It looks bad to your gf too. Most (not all) women like men that prioritize their family. You have disrespected your current family and you are now trying to get her to drop her family for a week. Its not a good look.

 

You are not 20 for god's sake. You are 43. You cannot expect women to travel around the world to have sex with you. You brought life into this world. You have responsibilities.

Your gf has a massive responsibility. The same responsibility your wife had. The same responsibility you forgot. Grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your life on track. Your future girlfriends will look back on your past actions and judge you for this so it's time to right any wrongs.

 

By continuing to remain sorry for yourself your family feel anger at a lack of resolution. You are blocking your social supports. By threatening them with 'depression' or self harm you are going to make them feel resentful.

 

 

If you continue to solve your problems by getting 'quick fixes' - ie affairs OR by ignoring one problem and running to the next you are just going to keep creating stress for yourself and hurt for others.

 

You need to remember you are not an awful person. You went out and earnt money for your family so they could have everything they wanted. That is a good thing. You just made some horrible mistakes. You didn't handle the mistakes well and you made more mistakes.

 

I wish you well in your endeavours. I do believe you can make a step in the right direction.

I apologize that I was very harsh.

 

This is the best post I have ever read on this site. Hands down.

 

The op doesn't deserve it but I hope he will hear it.