Other Woman is thretening to commit suicide, What am I to think?

[ConfusedMom]

Hi, I am new here and in a bit of a problem. My husband had an emotional relationship with a 21 year old (he is a professor and it one of his students). I have known for a while, because she was the one to call me up and tell me about it. Now she is insisting that he pick between her or me. This has all been going on for about a year. My husband is very confused, but says he will soon make a descion.

 

Anyway, just yesterday, I read an e-mail that she sent to her, in which basically she says that her life will end and is not worth living with out him ( I think other stuff has happend to her as well) and basically she is ( implying) thretening to commit suicide if things don't work out between them. I know that my husband is at his core a very caring man, and does not want anything to happen to her ( he also on the other hand feels guilty if he left me). I just think this kind of dramatic statement could compromise his descion, and make him out of fear leave me and go with her instead of letting him make a desion on what is best for him.

 

I am so confused at what to think, can anyone give me some insight?

[Guest]

My question is-why haven't YOU left him yet? Sheesh. He's porking his students. Abuse of authority and infidelity....what more do you plan to put up with?

 

It's quite entirely possible it's theatrics, and it may backfire in your favour. I can't stand women who think they have to act insane to keep a man's attention.

[Confused mom]

But if she says she is going to kill herself ( And yes, I do believe he truly cares fire), wouldn't he go for her instead? That's what all my friends seem to think.

[Mr Spock]

So what do you plan to do? Threaten suicide to counter? I think you should threaten divorce, reporting him to the faculty board, and taking half his pension, if you want to keep the man. It would be MUCH more effective. Besides, if she offs herself it's his fault, not yours. Call her mother, and inform her of the current situation and suicide threats. Bet it works.

[feed up]

Tell her to get on with it

[LolaLopez]

Oh,yeah, call her mom. That girl needs a spanking.

And so does the Professor. Puhleeze.

[Somegirl]

I'm in the exactly the same situation, except for I'm that girl (sort of) but I didn't threaten to do that, I wrote a short story for a foreign language course I'm taking, because honestly it's the only thing I can think of, I'm so dimished and empty. But I'd die if I was to break a relationship that was truly happy and fullfinlling, so I represed my feelings and was sadder than ever. Well he just felt so right and I didn't know he was taken for a while. And I do feel very guilty and packed weigh because I'm so miserable. Why? I'm lonely. Guys never seem to have an interest in me, just the cute doll, no one clicks like he did. And I feel a lot of guilt, because I don't want to hurt others and I just close on one person, meaning I can't feel anything for other men. So from the go I assumed he wouldn't care about me. See I'm 21 and no matter how good I've looked no one REALLY wants me. I've gotten to the point of what for, being available and blinding horny men it's too much pressure on me. I sometimes think that if I knew for sure he was a bad person, I would be able to get over him. Because it's just me and myself all day long and things I forget why I'm doing them, what for when I feel this void? I was there standing and I felt "Now I'm going to fall in love with him. And I was scared of the thought." If she talked to you, maybe she just wanted to put herself in a situation she felt too guilty, by being friendly with a woman, you can't touch her husband or so I thought. Also another girl called first and she told me the wife wa suspicious when they talked, asked her too many questions and she didn't give her name. I'd given her the number, knew it by hard, but had never called and she exclaimed after she hanged up "I'm no his lover". So I thought, even though I wasn't actually having an affair, I'd should give my name to her, which tried to mean, It's me who you should be mad at, I love him, but I know you exist and by being friendly with you it would make me even more horrible if I touched him. Actually, if he had gone with it, I'd be afraid he would cheat on me afterwards. I'd have a dirty conscience for the rest of my life, that I didn't play clean, so the prize would be missing. Someone here has a signature of the like of: The man that leaves his wife for his mistress, leaves a vacant.

 

When I was very young my mom was on the phone with this new service: the phone psychic and passed me the line. The guy suggested my question and told me his initials, the season and year I'd fall for him and his zodiac sign. I hanged up it was too many years away. So dissapointed. Never called again, not with an answer like that. Then in Excite Psychic Auditorium I was told the same, 4 years away. She/he said: I know four years is a long time to wait, but trust me, it 'll be worth it. Well, I just didn't like any names with that initial. Now I do.

And Ive never had any sort of relationship, so essentially, I'm afraid I'd blew it and if this girl is anything like me, you'll have him on your doorstep the next day. If he is yours, let him free and he will choose you.

I think I may have met him before when I was younger in a little boat, he sat on the floor and people offered him help, then he bumped into me in the water and cut my hand bad. In some reef.

 

Question for you:

How can they possibly know it will work? You have all on your side because it's very unlikely he will take a jump without having tried her (if it's all been an emotional affair). Most most mean don't do that. They play it safe. It could be just an illusion they both have. But on the other hand if he is in love with her (not with me, impossible, bad karma, simplistic way to put it) you don't have a relationship where both care for each other as aprt of something and share too many things work on differences all the time. Then you have a gap. Can you rebuilt that? or just be friends? Maybe she is just a symptom something is lacking and you both can spice up your relationship. If that girl was me, she would ask what's best for him and only if it's possible that everybody else can be happy, she would take him, could you meet someone yourself and start over, is it possible that you can both be happier afterwards and your children grow up just find because their parents both love and care about them? If that was possible, please God grant me my wish and make him come to me. Otherwise, I accpet loosing him. I was more miserable when my parents were married than afterwards. My mother said they stayed married because of me but the guy beat me up every day of my life and told me to kill myself, why had I'd been born that they were so much happier before I was born. So I'm extremely shy around men and for whatever reason I felt in love with this guy, but it may be too much of a burden on him. Threten him you won't let him see his kids. That works, but then you would be a witch. Tell him this girl won't like him paying attetion to his kid because she is a child herself. See I'm digging my own grave again. Ask him how does he know a 21 year old is able to take more responsibility? Because she may be afraid she was too inmature and maybe you can seed that in his mind too. Maybe she isn't sure he loves her. You can threaten him with asking him to give you his soul in child support (which he should anyway), etc. etc. But I don't think the one I'm interested in has a quarter. Bottom line, most suicides don't work, it takes a lot of guts and if I choose to kill myself, it's my whole life that takes me to that, people should be self sufficient, not feel parted if there loved one doesn't love them back. They should only seek reciprocated relationships. Maybe if he told her she chooses someone else in her face he can break the spell, and if he doesn't, she can then go seek some psychotherapy. I don't think I could possibly look at him in the face, so afraid of bumping into him. Boy, if he was ever to show up I'd just hug him and cry and he would think I'm way to much into him and nutsy and walk away go back to you. Just in case this girl is anything like me. Maybe the death threaten is wrong, I'd never tell him that in his face, but if he really cared he could go dig into anything with my name on in school and see the depths of my feelings for him, but it's fiction. They don't usually tell people the cause of death when it's suicide. Have I killed myself, no, would I? Well, it wouldn't be his fault. Not everyone is meant to be happy and most likely I won't be if playing dirty is the only way, letting someone cheat on his wife with me. Emotionally I can't help ti, but I didn't flirt, I looked pathetic by repressing it. Maybe it's just a stupid lesson in life. Maybe I have to stay single for some higher purpose, no strings attached so I can risk my life for some ideal of some sort. Just little lies I tell myself to feel a little better. Maybe I just have to accept any guy I'm not interested in and pretend, I don't fall in love enough often to wait for someone new I love. Like, are there really relationships were both poeple are completely in love with each other? I'm guessing it's all bull**** or not for me. boy he once showed up with this image I have in my head since I wa slittle, that I'm going to die alone in some home for the elderly with no firends or family, having never been loved. The bottom line is killing oneself is your decission. He shouldn't care. If she dies, then she was not meant to live a long life, too many young people kill themselves and it's not unrequited love. Ask him how can he know it will work?

 

Read this entire forum, the odds are on your side. I've been coming here trying to put myself together. Maybe she is lonely, like me as in close family or no family activities, no friends she can relate and open up to and that makes her vulnerable, maybe she can be helped with that and feel better about herself. Actually, she should be helped with that either way, because people's psyches should be stronger and more independent and that I give so many roles to a person I hardly know is not a good sign.

 

I just put it in Gods hands. You can always go without, look all those people whose children die and go on living. No matter how bad you may want someone, if it's not meant to be, it wont be. It's been an year. Well, maybe an "I choose her, not you" and I'd have it straight on my face. The he wasn't the one for me. Boy, I hope whoever is meant to be has a really good excuse and makes up for this delay, I'm aging here.

When you cry at the end of Madonna's

"Swept away" on HBO you know something is very wrong with yourself.

[Somegirl]

What is it that you have besides children? You mention them in your nickname, but not the rest. Where you both peachy or the relationship was bumpy?

[Confusedmom]

I have grown children, but they are not his. He is a stepfather to them.

 

I know he really worries for this girl a lot, and think that he will fear enough to go with her instead. They both are dramatic and both neurotic, so I don't think he sees this kind of behavior as crazy where other people might.

 

I think that she has caught on to the fact that he is a little bit naive in the emotions department and she is exploiting that. I don't think she actually is thinking about commiting suicide, she is just telling him that she is and she actually has threatened.

 

She has gotten him all figured out. She has gotten a friend of hers to e-mail him and tell him that she is concerned for her, so she will not actually be thretening him. She is really manipulative I think, and will find some way to get him, I am sure.

[adore-la-vie]

I have to agree with the first reply to your message. Why have you not left him? And why have you not done anything about it? I would definetly report your husbands behavior to the school board, call the girl's parents, AND CONTACT A LAWYER!

[Somegirl]

You know, I acted crazier than ever before in front of this man and I'd never said such crazy things to anyone. Now you've provided a clue why he didn't freak out too much. But maybe it's not good that I talk to you like this, I decided not to pursue this man because I'd feel guilty to break a family -he does have at least one child. Still, I love with all my heart and never feelt like this before. They say two drunk people fall together, but maybe they don't or I hope. Well, she is different to me. You sound like you have a sense of humour about it, like you love him in a motherly way. I'm a bit like that but in this case I'm younger than him so in the hypothetical case we got together I don't know how it would be.

 

At first I thought he was just not having as much attention from his wife as he did before because of that and he was just horny. But then I remember him standing behind me and he smelled so good I was in heaven and got really nervous-what I didn't realize is that he smelled like sex too.

Did something silly, went to some site and without giving names I wrote a prayer request for him, for whatever I've caused him. Well, I didn't know he was married for a long long while. Just maybe some comment about soem famous couple about her not being as much into the relationship as him, like keeping things to herself and him giving himself entirely. I thought it was a bit of a pick up line, "I'm not being taken care as to fulfill my emotional needs kind of subliminal comment (but attached guys do that quite often) and what kind of intimacy can I porvide? No clue. Is he really able to open up to someone so completely... Dunno. Doubt it. Some people are very suspicious and difficult. What sign is you husband?

 

Does it bother you that I type in your thread? No one is really interested in talking about my story here because -I think- they like the juicy stuff where people have gotten down and dirty. Can't blame them tv has them used to it.

 

How do you feel about it all, you don't say that anywhere?

[Somegirl]

Who said a 21 yold is not naive in the emotions department too. Schools are full of horney teachers and it's quite scary, but true. I had a hard time asking myself why I love this man so much, when I've been asked by 3 other teachers in one year to see me outside school. SCARY. How can single women look hot and handle so much horny people when they are availbale?

[Gillian]

In adittion to all, all the statistics say men are simply to lazy and would rather have a mistress rather than leave their wives and all the things they are accustumed to, like dinner, clean clothes and cough syrup. And yes, they don't leave their wives ever if they haven't had a bed test with OW.

[StillHurtin]

I can't ask you why you are still w/ him. That is your choice, and only your choice. I know if this has lasted for so long I would be leaving him but that is what I would do. Anyhow, as for the OW committing suicide if he dosen't stay w/ her then that is her problem. It wont be your fault, nor even your dh's fault if she commits suicide. She chose to do it. If you are concerned about her then I would call her parent's. GL

[Spinzel]

1. Divorce your husband. He may be a caring man, supposedly, but he has the morals and ethics of pond scum. He's taking advantage of a girl and will likely lose his job soon, especially if her dramatic suicide threat doesn't win him over. Why the hell would you even WANT to be with a man who couldn't choose between you and one of his students? If this girl's drama can get your husband, then let her have him.

 

2. Contact the police or a mental health authority. If she's really suicidal, she needs professional help. If she's doing this as a melodramatic ploy to push your husband into making a decision, this will sober her up and teach her the consequences of pulling crap like this.

 

Don't let your children think this behavior is acceptable.

[Barby]

I have known for a while, because she was the one to call me up and tell me about it. Now she is insisting that he pick between her or me. This has all been going on for about a year. My husband is very confused, but says he will soon make a descion.

 

 

First off I'm sorry you're in this situation...secondly you should have been the one to give him an ultimatum when YOU found out. I'm sure you probably didn't out of fear of losing him. I'm wish you could see that no matter how good of a man he is this has been going on for more than a year so he can't respect you or your marriage or your self esteem to let you suffer so.

 

I can imagine leaving him isn't an option you would want to consider or carry out but honestly what else do you plan to do? Play second fiddle to some little college slut that had no self esteem and needed to "do" her professor??

 

Why wait until he leaves you for her? Wouldn't that make you feel worse? I bet you feel that if you leave him, you'll be giving him to her but that isn't the case, you'll be getting yourself out of the situation that basically only you are left in. He's having things HIS way he's with you and doing her on the side. He has no real reason to choose because both you and her ARE accepting what he's doing and have been allowing him to continue in his nasty degrading ways!

 

She shouldn't threaten suicide but honestly she is probably only doing it for his attention and to make him feel obligated to come be with her because "lil ole college slut can't live w/out her big ole professor man" PAALEAZE!! He is a grown man who should have respected his wife and kept his hands off his students no matter how "all over him" she was! You should do yourself a favor and lose him!

[Taken_Angel]

I'm confused! Since "somegirl's" post was soooooooooooooooo long I only got through half of it...........is she the "other woman" that's with "confusedmom's" husband??????

 

Or did I read wrong (which is possible because I didn't finish the whole post!

 

I don't see any reason in defending "other women" they need to learn from the "Betty Broderick" and the "Clara Harris" cases! OW get what they deserve when they KNOW what they are getting into! When they know that the man is married it could end in tragedy! If the men aren't happy they should tell their wives but if since they don't the "OW" should turn them down and stick to single men!

[Somegirl]

I didn't know he was M and I avoided seeing him outside class after I learned he was taken. But it's similar stories, not the same case. I just can't get over him, that's all. Wish he wore a ring and had mentiones his wife before I did some research, Duh.

[Taken_Angel]

I was confused..I thought this was "confusedmom's" post about HER situation.

[Somegirl]

Don't be mean, no one ever wants to talk about mine, just because I'm not the hurt wife or the woman that actually got down and dirty with MM, got pregnant or told the wife or "goes NC as a tactic" or has secret conversations on the phone while wife is in the other room or online chat's with MM. I over heard a colleague of his on the phone saying he was attaracted to me too and I checked him, he was married, so I avoided seeing him. I think I'd actually get some support here if I'd started talking with him the other day he said hi to me while I was walking my pup. But I pretended I didn't see him. So since this was the first story that was the reverse of mine, I decided to post here.

[FolderWife]

If he is so stupid that he'd go after a 21 year old who's threatening suicide, then let him have her! Find you a faithful man, who likes women his own age.

[FolderWife]

My grandmother has this story of a girl trying to steal my grandfather away from her. She said the girl told her, "I'm going to steal him from you." My grandmother responded simply, "If you can take him, then you can have him."

 

That's the logic we all need to apply to our relationships. If you are afriad that someone is going to steal your spouse, you are not in a very strong relationship.

 

If some woman spreads her legs, and my husband who vowed to spend the rest of his life with me leaves me for her, then good ridance! Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want them? Who wants to be married to someone that you had to threaten suicide to keep?

 

Certainly not me.

[Barby]

AMEN MONDAY

 

Very well said and very much true!

 

 

Don't be mean, no one ever wants to talk about mine, just because I'm not the hurt wife or the woman that actually got down and dirty with MM, got pregnant or told the wife or "goes NC as a tactic" or has secret conversations on the phone while wife is in the other room or online chat's with MM. I over heard a colleague of his on the phone saying he was attaracted to me too and I checked him, he was married, so I avoided seeing him. I think I'd actually get some support here if I'd started talking with him the other day he said hi to me while I was walking my pup. But I pretended I didn't see him. So since this was the first story that was the reverse of mine, I decided to post here.

 

 

I don't think "taken" was being mean she was just confused about who's post it was. Maybe you should start your own post about this issue however I'm afraid I don't quite see the point except that you like him, you found out he's married, you left him alone, he says hi to you every now and then, you still like him but won't mess with him because he's married.

 

If in fact what I said above is true that you won't mess with him and that you did like him until you found out he was married then GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING WOMAN ENOUGH TO STAY AWAY FROM A MM But clearly you still like him even though obviously there wasn't anything between the two of you. You should move on and find someone single, close to your age, and who will be able to give 100% of himself to you instead of part to you and the rest to his wife. NO woman should ever want to settle for that it's just wrong and tacky!

[RowanRavyn]

Nicely put ladies.

 

This is not your thread somegurl. You have waltzed into a thread that was about the mirror image of your situation, and tried to milk sympathy from confusedmom. Let her be. Please.

 

confusedmom, I had a situation where a couple of friends of mine got "involved" online. When my one friend had enough of the guys BS and complaints about a situation he declined to change, she moved on. He in turn called me telling me he couldn't live like this, that unless things changed by one pm the next day it was all over. He told me good-bye, asked me to kiss my kids for him.

 

I hung up on him, called 911, who put me through to his local emergency agency, who sent cops to his door and carted him off to the hospital.

 

He learned a valuable lesson. IMHO threats of suicide to get what you want are nothing but thinly veiled manipulation. If the hubby is fool enough to go for it, you, my dear are better off without him. Of course, given that he has had an emotional affair, I think you are better off without him anyway.

 

I would find an emotional affair much harder to forgive than a sexual one. Its the ultimate betrayal.

[Somegirl]

Yeah, I know I did. Sorry about that. It's a lilttle blunt but maybe the guy kept the fact that he was married a well kept secret. But yeah, she has the problem, she's stuck with mister horny ole teacher. And the one story I know of is that once a HS teacher was fired from my school cuz he had married one student after she graduated, then a second one and then was dating a 15 yold and five girls went to complain that he kept checking their legs and made uncomfortable comments, so they fired him. Good luck. Maybe you can make him grow up.