Up and Down/Visitation talk went well

[paradigm shift]

Worked in the same place yesterday, SIL owns a business and we helped out, although our shifts were different times we crossed paths. One of the girls kept commenting how great I looked etc. etc in front of H, a bit obvious, but the intentions were good.

 

I sent a couple of flirty texts, a lol or so came back or a couple non committal responses, so that is a bit much, I think?

 

Today's scheduling of visitation and finances went well. I cut down as much I could in asking since we have two households, but am only earning about 1/10 his salary while in school. Even out of school, I would only earn 1/3 with qualifications lol! He did not question anything though. We settled Christmas, but we are having a dinner with his fam. and I said I wanted to make sure he was okay with it (I am invited) he said he suggested it because he didn't want kids first Christmas to be skewed Which implies other Xmases-the down part.

 

Also mentioned some tests I have to go for-was thinking of not mentioning, as I have known for quite awhile, but thought to inform anyway. Good vibes for those results would be appreciated , although I am very optimistic about good results.

 

He said I could stay at his apartment, as I have an Xmas party to attend and he will be with kids at the house. I said that my colleagues offered couches to crash on, and he said that if you are really hitting off with someone and you decide to go and crash at their place that's cool...not sure how to take that?? I just laughed and said that X and Xette lived in another place and I wasn't going to travel..

 

I also invited him for Xmas eve, but he said no so far, but that was another eight weeks and he didn't know how he would feel then, because right now he feels uncomfortable with it.

 

Put my double piercings back in ears, DD had a fit, told her and everyone else in earshot, had them for 30 years, just haven't been using them....

 

Suggestions? On the right track? I feel okay about this so far...but always open to suggestions.

 

Oh and am taking DD to concert next year and said that I would book a hotel overnight. H said to use apt., he trusts me....to what? Not take off with the toilet paper??? LMAO

[Steen719]

Worked in the same place yesterday, SIL owns a business and we helped out, although our shifts were different times we crossed paths. One of the girls kept commenting how great I looked etc. etc in front of H, a bit obvious, but the intentions were good.

 

I sent a couple of flirty texts, a lol or so came back or a couple non committal responses, so that is a bit much, I think?

 

Today's scheduling of visitation and finances went well. I cut down as much I could in asking since we have two households, but am only earning about 1/10 his salary while in school. Even out of school, I would only earn 1/3 with qualifications lol! He did not question anything though. We settled Christmas, but we are having a dinner with his fam. and I said I wanted to make sure he was okay with it (I am invited) he said he suggested it because he didn't want kids first Christmas to be skewed Which implies other Xmases-the down part.

 

Also mentioned some tests I have to go for-was thinking of not mentioning, as I have known for quite awhile, but thought to inform anyway. Good vibes for those results would be appreciated , although I am very optimistic about good results.

 

He said I could stay at his apartment, as I have an Xmas party to attend and he will be with kids at the house. I said that my colleagues offered couches to crash on, and he said that if you are really hitting off with someone and you decide to go and crash at their place that's cool...not sure how to take that?? I just laughed and said that X and Xette lived in another place and I wasn't going to travel..

 

I also invited him for Xmas eve, but he said no so far, but that was another eight weeks and he didn't know how he would feel then, because right now he feels uncomfortable with it.

 

Put my double piercings back in ears, DD had a fit, told her and everyone else in earshot, had them for 30 years, just haven't been using them....

 

Suggestions? On the right track? I feel okay about this so far...but always open to suggestions.

 

Oh and am taking DD to concert next year and said that I would book a hotel overnight. H said to use apt., he trusts me....to what? Not take off with the toilet paper??? LMAO

 

I don't want to upset you or be unduly pessimistic, but it sounds as if he is trying to be very cooperative, but not on the path to reconciliation.

 

He said I could stay at his apartment, as I have an Xmas party to attend and he will be with kids at the house. I said that my colleagues offered couches to crash on, and he said that if you are really hitting off with someone and you decide to go and crash at their place that's cool...not sure how to take that??

 

The above sounds as if he thinks you might meet a guy and want to stay there, that is fine with him. Wouldn't it be strange to be hitting it off with a girlfriend and go with them after you had just said your colleagues had offered their couches.

 

I'm sorry, I realize you know him better than we do, so I may be off on what he seems to be projecting. For your sake, I hope he is going in the direction you want.

 

Good luck with your tests. Good thoughts coming your way. {{{HUGS}}}

[paradigm shift]

Thanks for reply Steen-seeing the same things, but I think the couch thing was a bit of a probe, just as the use my apt. was a "I am not seeing someone else" Reconciliation? Not yet, just hoping for a date maybe a while (long while??) down the road lol!!

 

Love your quote btw, I may steal it if I ever rejoin social media world!!!

[paradigm shift]

Ugh...bad day yesterday. Took everything I had to make it through the day.

S had bad day Sunday, failing things in school etc. We cried, then I continued to cry all night-hence, Monday sucked lol!!

 

H wanted to meet for coffee as previously planned, I told him the truth of Sunday and that all my strength was going towards just making through the day and I could not see him (in text-I don't even think I have the strength to speak to him).

 

While I understand why he left, I don't understand why he thought it all be okay. Kids tell him they are fine, they are not. I can't tell him they are not, he will think I am blaming him, which I don't want.

 

Arrgghh-Today? Not that great either

[Steen719]

Sorry; it is just hard no matter what, isn't it? It is so much harder when you have kids and they are suffering because of the situation. I know my XH wants my S to act OK about what he has done and blames me for my S not wanting to see him. He can thank himself for that, but never fails to blame me, even when I ask my S often if he wants to see his dad, to please do so and that I am fine with it.

 

What was the coffee set up for? Is he giving you any indication that he is interested in working on reconciliation with you?

 

I have found that I am usually very unhappy when I am sitting there waiting for someone else to make choices that affect me. And, as much pain as our situations cause us, it is worse when it hurts our children. Get yourself back together and go forward. Work on S's failing in school and put your effort into that. Take care of yourself.

 

P.S. Please use the quote - wish it were mine, but alas, I copied it! LOL

[paradigm shift]

Nah, coffee was just because we had said we would meet each week. Something I would really like to do, but wasn't emotionally able yesterday lol!

Saw IC today (always makes me feel better )

 

More at peace and a little more stable now, H texted both kids today: DD said I am in class, quit texting (so I suggested she text Dad with break and lunch times, so he can text w/out repercussion lol). H asked DS if he wanted to do an activity in two weeks DS said no because it would be too cold.

 

So at least he is keeping in touch with them (more than he did when we were together, so that is something good!)

 

It really is hard sometimes, I was on the verge, laptop open and ready, to beg him to come back so the kids would be okay. Took every ounce of strength I had to run away (literally went running) from that email. Phew.

Tomorrow's another day

[Steen719]

Nah, coffee was just because we had said we would meet each week. Something I would really like to do, but wasn't emotionally able yesterday lol!

Saw IC today (always makes me feel better )

 

More at peace and a little more stable now, H texted both kids today: DD said I am in class, quit texting (so I suggested she text Dad with break and lunch times, so he can text w/out repercussion lol). H asked DS if he wanted to do an activity in two weeks DS said no because it would be too cold.

 

So at least he is keeping in touch with them (more than he did when we were together, so that is something good!)

 

It really is hard sometimes, I was on the verge, laptop open and ready, to beg him to come back so the kids would be okay. Took every ounce of strength I had to run away (literally went running) from that email. Phew.

Tomorrow's another day

 

OH NO, don't do that!! He has to want to come back and he may not have an idea what he will miss if he knows he has you in his pocket.

[paradigm shift]

This I know lol!!

 

So glad I didn't. Thanks

[Cedarman]

Sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for not sending the email.

 

I think the weekly coffee is going to be tough on you. I know because I tried to do the same type of thing with my wife. I couldn't do it - it was always a step back for me. The fact is, the spouse who walks away is months or years ahead of us in "moving on". So regular meetings are fine with them - but tough on us. It's a rollercoaster that you don't need to go on (although I know it is tough advice to follow - and I am having trouble following it myself). My wife has said the same thing with regards to me dating and finding another woman - very cold and unemotional. I think it would ease her conscience if I were to quickly jump into a new relationship. I'm not ready by a long-shot and wouldn't be fair to anybody I dated. I am trying to do LC/NC - only quick texts about the kids.

 

I hope your husband will see the light - but as somebody told me here - you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[Steen719]

Sorry for what you are going through. Good for you for not sending the email.

 

I think the weekly coffee is going to be tough on you. I know because I tried to do the same type of thing with my wife. I couldn't do it - it was always a step back for me.

The fact is, the spouse who walks away is months or years ahead of us in "moving on".

OMG, OMG, OMG....this is SO true. I cannot stress this enough. I really did not know how true this was for quite a while after my divorce, even though I knew he had cheated on me. I would ask my brother how could he possibly act like it didn't bother him in the least and he kept saying "well, he had already moved on, right? I mean, he was dating while you were married" Well, yeah, but...... It sure did take me a while to realize what that really meant. He was planning his future without me before I even knew it.

 

So regular meetings are fine with them - but tough on us.

It's a rollercoaster that you don't need to go on (although I know it is tough advice to follow - and I am having trouble following it myself). My wife has said the same thing with regards to me dating and finding another woman - very cold and unemotional. I think it would ease her conscience if I were to quickly jump into a new relationship. I'm not ready by a long-shot and wouldn't be fair to anybody I dated. I am trying to do LC/NC - only quick texts about the kids.

 

I hope your husband will see the light - but as somebody told me here - you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

 

The thing about the regular meetings is true. I did not have regular meetings, but after 22 years and a son and a house, there were times I would have to go by the house. One time in particular that I can remember was when I had to go pick up the AT&T equipment. He was so matter of fact, no apparent distress and looking at my distress like he just did not get it. He didn't.....he did not feel it. I made up my mind after that to not see him unless I absolutely had to and it has not been too many times since then. I don't talk to him on the phone unless it is absolutely necessary. I text him only if I have to. It made life easier for me. Of course, if you think you are trying to reconcile, you don't want that, but I reiterate, you must allow him to miss you if you want to let him see how much you mean to him.

I hate this stupid mess. It really stinks. However, it does get easier, do hang in there both of you.

[paradigm shift]

Thanks for dropping in Cedarman....means a lot...how are you doing these past couple of days? I understand your post, it makes so much sense, they have been moving on much longer than we have. I even told my husband that when he said its been years( a bit of marital rewrite, but hey) since he has been happy that it has only been a few weeks for me.

 

We do live apart by over an hour, so he has ample opportunity to miss me lol! Coffee is just a way of touching base, since he only sees kids every second weekend, and therefore, me.

 

I want him to miss having me to talk to and I want the opportunity to 180 in person. Besides, coffee will only last until December because then I no longer am traveling to the city where he is....

 

Thanks for your advice Steen, spot on as always

[robf1971]

he said that if you are really hitting off with someone and you decide to go and crash at their place that's cool...not sure how to take that??

 

Huge red flag..... Sounds like that's something he's been doing himself. Dig a little deeper and you will find that he is having an affair, saying that makes him feel a lot better about what he has secretly been doing to you. If you want any chance of reconciling with this man this is something you need to put a stop to, get your evidence and tell this woman's husband.

 

Ohh and for goodness dake don't ask him if he's seeing someone else, all cheaters lie through their teeth with a big smile on their face. Also stop with the flirty texts you are just killing your own self respect.

[paradigm shift]

I truly don't think he is, Rob, he has offered up his place to use. Could he be interested in someone else? Possibly. Could he be starting a relationship or moving from an interest to wanting more? That's possible too. He may be hiding a relationship to "spare me any hurt"...because we have all heard that before

 

If any of these are happening, it is not my choice, but that is just it-it is not my choice.. So I go on being the best person I can be, work on myself etc. etc., time for my kids

Remember, he has been moving on for years in his head already

[Cedarman]

Thanks for dropping in Cedarman....means a lot...how are you doing these past couple of days? I understand your post, it makes so much sense, they have been moving on much longer than we have. I even told my husband that when he said its been years( a bit of marital rewrite, but hey) since he has been happy that it has only been a few weeks for me.

 

 

Yeah, you have to love those marital re-writes. If you talk to my wife NOW, it has been 8 - 9 years of hell (originally it was 2-3 to 4 years, then 5 years....). She is even saying that our entire marriage was "doomed from the start" because she came from a dysfunctional, poor family, whereas I had a "perfect" childhood. My grandparents were immigrants who came here with nothing - and my family embraced and admired my wife because she built a great life here (with me and with my help). The 22nd of this month would have been our 25th anniversary! And she can't remember one good thing. That's a memory trick which eases the cheater's conscience.

 

Thanks for asking about this week - it has been a really low week - maybe the lowest. The mediation meeting really set me back. My wife looked good too, which was not good for me. She's done something to her skin - maybe laser spot removal, or a facial peel - her skin looked like it did 20 years ago - natural and flawless, instead of the plastic botox look she has sported for the past 4 years.

 

Anyway - requested to the mediator that we meet separately going forward and she has agreed. I don't need to see my wife or listen to her allege that she is "in danger"....

 

Yeah....trying to get back on track.....

[paradigm shift]

Glad to hear it Cedar!, will drop by and check up on you...

 

Keep it up, we can do this!!!!

[robf1971]

I truly don't think he is, Rob, he has offered up his place to use. Could he be interested in someone else? Possibly. Could he be starting a relationship or moving from an interest to wanting more? That's possible too. He may be hiding a relationship to "spare me any hurt"...because we have all heard that before

 

If any of these are happening, it is not my choice, but that is just it-it is not my choice.. So I go on being the best person I can be, work on myself etc. etc., time for my kids

Remember, he has been moving on for years in his head already

 

True, and if you no longer want to reconcile with this man, it doesn't really matter what he's doing or who with. However, it seems that you do, therefore you might want to do some digging.

[paradigm shift]

I understand your point of view and I do want to reconcile but this is about me lol. So I will work on who I am and who I want to be. Right now I have to figure my own path out. If his is walking with someone else, so be it. Of course I can say that not knowing, but I choose to trust him. If it turns out I am wrong well, then he gets to be a liar and a cheater and we would have to kill him.

 

Seriously though, this is a path I have to travel and I appreciate your input and the fact that you are probably thinking " aarrghhh" lol!

 

Thank Rob