boyfriend troubles- what do you think?

[Phoenix28]

:(Hi,

Well, this is the first time I have ever posted anything like this online before..so I am a little out of my element here.

 

My 28yr boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years, and living together for a little over one year. He has been the most loving, supporting, caring and accepting partner while we have been together...well, most of the time anyway.

 

I am 29 & have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which often makes little arguments we have a lot harder for me to cope with. But I do my best to make sure that my moods do not bring him down or impact upon his life, and work really hard in communicating that how I feel and that my moods are not related to him. I also am proactively getting help to manage the symptoms I feel, and have generally been pretty good since trying to keep my emotions in check.

 

Sometimes however (more so lately), he has been losing his temper with me about things that I do not see as such a big deal. He has trouble compromising on things we disagree on, and gets angry and irrational if I challenge his opinion or want to do something a different way. Often I feel like I cant really blame him for this, considering I am quite an emotional person as well and he does put up with a lot from me. But lately it has really been getting me down and has started to affect my mental wellbeing and the management of my anxiety and depression. He raises his voice and swears, which i have asked him to stop doing and he has been trying hard to refrain from doing this. He also sometimes hits objects around us if he is really angry (he never ever hits me though)- it still can be quite scary though.

 

THe past few arguments we have had have escalated way out of control (as we both act on our emotions in the heat of the argument), and he keeps on threatening to break up with me. After these arguments, i run to my mums or sisters house, and so they always seem to see the bad parts of our relationship and are starting to form a negative opinion about him which i hate. THe next day however, my bf will always apologise and admit things got a little out of hand and that we should try again. I keep saying the next time he tries to break up with me will be the last time, but like a weakling, i always take him back. He knows this, as he has even commented on the fact i always take him back.

 

Well yesterday was a good friends wedding that i was excited about attending. I even had a part in the ceremony (not a bridesmaid, but still an important enough role for my friend to ask me to do). As I was gettin dressed and putting the final touches on my outfit, my bf started acting realy grumpy saying that i was 'guilting' him into coming to the wedding. I told him I was not guilting him, but we had RSVPd (he had said he would come when I RSVPd), and that it would be rude for him to pull out at the last minute because he was feeling tired and wanted to veg out at home. I eventually got so sick of it, i asked why he was always angry at me these days and was he even happy. He thought about it for a while, and then said he didnt think he was happy. I asked if it was because of me, or if it was something else in his life bothering him, and he said he didnt know but that it might have been our relationship. I asked what exactly is it about our relationship making him unhappy- and he said he didnt know. THis continued, and i ended up losing it and crying uncontrollably (which i am mortified about now, but sometimes i can not get control over my emotional reactions). He said he would not go to the wedding with me at all and made plans to go to his friends house instead. I could not calm down and had a MASSIVE panic attack and ended up missing the wedding as well as i just could not face it (which i feel horribly about). I ended up calling my sister who picked me up and took me to her house for the night, where i basically just cried and slept. He didnt try call me or message me once. Until this morning, where he sent me a simple mesage saying he didnt go to work today. I didnt know what to do with that, as he didnt say he wanted to talk or anyting.

 

What gets me is that this is not just a once off thing- he has threatened to leave before my nephews christening two weeks ago (i ended up getting annoyed at him and going anyway without him though i cried all the way to the christening int he car), and my other friends wedding two weeks prior, where he left halfway through the reception and made me find my own way home (very embarrassing to ask for a lift home from my friends coz my bf ditched me). the next day though, he is always apologetic and lovely to me, that i forgive him and we both promise to work on it. And then it gets better. it gets better than better. most of the time we are a really good match, we get each others jokes and are quite affectionate and care about each other.

 

After yesterday though, I have no idea whats going on or what i should do. He seems to be doing this more regularly when he is in a grumpy mood. and then when his grumpy mood lifts the next day, he is back to normal and couldnt be more loving and supportive. When its good, its really good...its amazing and i think he could be the one. he is the only guy i have dated that i have actally considered a future with- and we do talk about it all the time. But every once in a while, he just loses it and starts questioning everything- the sucky thing is it always seems to happen on my family/friends event days. And i have a few more of these days coming up, and i dont even know if he is planning on coming still (heck, i dont even know if he still wants to be with me anymore).

 

I am planning to stay at my sisters for the rest of the week at least to cool off, as i just dont know what to do anymore. I have another wedding that we both RSVPd to next Sunday, and i dont even know what to say to the bride about whether he is going to be coming with me or not. I talked to him briefly on the phone this morning and asked him if he still felt the same as yesterdy and if he thought we are done, and he said he wasnt sure because he is really sick with the flu at the moment and isnt thinking straight. He said he is confused and would rather talk about it later. I just hung up. Is he stringing me along?

 

My family is all telling me to get out now, and that is enough is enough. But i really truely love this man. He has helped me more than people have realised, and been so understanding of my anxiety and depressive illness. i love his sense of humour and his down to earth personality. He really is my best friend and i love him with all my heart. I just wish he didnt have to sometimes threaten to break up with me whenever he gets in a bad mood..it really is messing with my mind and not helping with my anxiety and depression. But i cant imagine not being without him. I also wonder if it is me causing the problems, as i have been in relationships before where boys have stringed me along for ages and havent been very nice (though my current bf is nice)...am i causing these problems? Am i just not good in relationships? Thats what its starting to feel like..they always end the same way.

 

And if we did break up, how would we sort out the rental property we live in and all the furniture and stuff we bought together. that just seems so hard to even think about right now. I am devastated to lose someone who is my bestfriend and who i love more than anyone..but he keeps doing this and it is killing me. Whats worse is as i am sitting here thinking about him, all i can think if are the good memories...which just makes me sadder. why can i be angry at him?

 

Any advice from an objective person who does not know me or the situation personally would be greatly appreciated. My family are very supportive and offer great advice, i am just worried they are biased as they want to protect me. they have always been overprotective of me, as i am a lot more sensitive than a lot of other people. It is hard not to listen to them. i am so confused right now.

 

Thanks. and sorry about the long post. once i started writing,i simply couldnt stop. It is very therapeutic to write it all out

[River Rain]

You're glamorizing the good parts, but glossing over the bad parts. Someone who continually threatens to leave you is toying with your emotions, and knowing that you have mental health disorders, he's throwing it back in your face, with full awareness of how you'll react. The screaming, swearing and hitting things is completely childish, but also could escalate into him actually hitting you some day.

 

I agree with your family's opinion. There is a limit that you have to set in order to keep your dignity and your happiness. Staying away for a while is good, it'll get that immediate desperation out of the way so you can think clearly.

 

If you read your post written by someone else, I doubt your advice would be to stay with him at all costs and allow his behaviour to continue because that'll make you happy.

[xpaperxcutx]

And if we did break up, how would we sort out the rental property we live in and all the furniture and stuff we bought together. that just seems so hard to even think about right now. I am devastated to lose someone who is my bestfriend and who i love more than anyone..but he keeps doing this and it is killing me. Whats worse is as i am sitting here thinking about him, all i can think if are the good memories...which just makes me sadder. why can i be angry at him?

 

This paragraph jumped out at me. If you didn't have rent issues and he wasn't your best friend, would you still hesitate about staying with him? In your heart, you know what he's been doing is wrong. The way he's been treating you has been worse and worse. Also the fact that he's capable of violence could actually lead to physical violence; that's the scary part.

 

The fact thatt you can't get angry at him is because you've always had an interdependent relationship with him. Look beyond your need for him and see what kind of relationship you had with him.

[Tara247]

Phoenix, get out now! You are with an abuser. Trust me on this. He hits things around you, breaks up with you over and over, and notice that he acts up mostly when it's events with your family & friends that you're going to. This is deliberate on his part. He wants to keep you isolated and very dependent on him. The cycle of the abuser is that they will abuse, apologize, than it starts all over again. Your bf cannot/will not change unless he ges YEARS of professional therapy and even then chances of the abuser changing are very slim.

 

It will only get worse, not better. Please get out now. Pack your things and move in with your mother or sister until you get your own place.

[KraftDinner]

Phoenix, get out now! You are with an abuser. Trust me on this. He hits things around you, breaks up with you over and over, and notice that he acts up mostly when it's events with your family & friends that you're going to. This is deliberate on his part. He wants to keep you isolated and very dependent on him. The cycle of the abuser is that they will abuse, apologize, than it starts all over again. Your bf cannot/will not change unless he ges YEARS of professional therapy and even then chances of the abuser changing are very slim.

 

It will only get worse, not better. Please get out now. Pack your things and move in with your mother or sister until you get your own place.

 

I feel like this is right, due to all the blowups happening when you're supposed to go see your family and/or friends.

 

And violent is violent. He hasn't hit you but why does he need to hit anything? What could you possibly have done that would make him so angry?