Author JamesM Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 It could be argued that if she is feeling unwell or is in pain that it is not unreasonable for her to expect her husband to put his own needs aside. I could be wrong but I thought that they still kissed and cuddled so I thought he was not deprived of all sexual contact. I agree. It isn't unreasonable. But I think that once in awhile it is also reasonable to engage in sex. Again, now I can lay it aside and I expect this will be for a few more weeks. I can wait. What I want is a solution for the long term, and I think it will happen. I have posted on some boards which deal with fibromyalgia, and this isn't just a problem for me. Many ladies with fibro find it tough to have sex when they deal with pain. They also mention a lower libido as a result. Perhaps I expect too much, but I am not giving up on finding a solution. I would find that even worse... yes, it's nice, but if you know it won't lead to anything, ever, than it's pure torture. It's like dangling a carrot in front of you. You can touch it a bit, but you can't eat it, even if you are starving... Yes and no. I agree to a point. Knowing that it will lead no where but knowing that you are still connecting....it has its benefits. But if it NEVER leads farther, then it can be frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JamesM Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Agree with elswyth, James you are a good man and seem to understand that marriage is about what you can give as well as what you can take. I hope you both find a solution to make your marriage what you'd like it to be. Thank you. So do I. Does that make sense? We are getting that back after a few years of lacking it. His affair made us realise in time what we were putting at risk. So, his affair rejuvenated your sex life, and made you realize what you missed? Would you have ever had that realization without him having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 No. Don't think so. Well it might have helped if he had ever coherently expressed how unhappy he was. Same for me. But we didn't and I can't see how we ever could have done. The affair made it blindingly obvious that there were things missing. But I have to say it has also done some massive damage. Whether the improved communications can make up for the hurt and betrayal I have felt I don't know. As the months go by and the initial panic fades I can feel the wounds more clearly. I hope so it can recover. I think so. But the jury is still out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Love this comment! Please...a potato? Perhaps peeling a cucumber? Delusions of grandeur? But to me sex is more than simply "making my man happy." It is also about expressing love between two individuals. And as Mr Lucky said, it is about bonding. A bit of a Catch-22 here. If sex is an important expression of "love between two individuals", doesn't that make the intentional withholding of sex an even more hurtful and serious matter? And while the resentment isolates the deprived spouse, the withholding spouse is also diminished by their loss of the ability to express that love and ensure that bond. It's a lose, lose situation. But to me sex is more than simply "making my man happy." Like all of us, you'd like technicolor, earth-moving sex each and every time. But if your wife approached this weekend and offered you 30 minutes of "cucumber peeling", wouldn't that be a significant step forward for both of you ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 What do I get out of my M? What I put in. And then some <3. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 With about the same time commitment and manual dexterity needed to peel a half-dozen potatoes, a woman can make a man pretty happy . It ain't that complicated... Maybe for you, but some men take a LOT of time and effort. It isn't unusual for me to end it with a painful jaw, swollen lips, cramping hands, and a hurting back. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Like all of us, you'd like technicolor, earth-moving sex each and every time. But if your wife approached this weekend and offered you 30 minutes of "cucumber peeling", wouldn't that be a significant step forward for both of you ??? Mr. Lucky HA! This made me LOL. But seriously - I am in a situation where I have little to no libido. Like your wife, James, intercourse is painful for me so I avoid it whenever possible. Like you, my husband wants sex to not be just "servicing" him, but he wants me to be into it; to desire him; to be horny; to want it. But I don't. So we gotta work with what we have. I am willing to do my part, but I have no control over the way I feel (or my body's limitations). Just as my husband wants to be loved for who he is, I want to be loved for who I am too, and sexual limitations is part of that. I want him to be understanding. To be accepting instead of always wanting me to ignore my own pain to give him what he wants. To be appreciative that I am trying instead of angry that his sex life isn't what he wants it to be. If he could just do that, I could go into it at least feeling loving and wanting to show him that love, even if I wasn't horny. But the anger and snappy comments and mean comments just push me away. As it is, I take care of his needs because my life is easier if I just do it. I liken it to having to push the button on LOST so the island doesn't blow up. Every few days, I push the button (or peel the cucumber) to keep him from being angry and rude. And that's a very uninspiring reason for sex, trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 It isn't unusual for me to end it with a painful jaw, swollen lips, cramping hands, and a hurting back. Sounds more like a street fight!!! I liken it to having to push the button on LOST so the island doesn't blow up. Every few days, I push the button (or peel the cucumber) to keep him from being angry and rude. "PUSH THE BUTTON SO THE ISLAND DOESN'T BLOW UP" and "PEEL THE CUCUMBER". We've given couples and marital therapists everywhere two new and meaningful terms to use ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I really don't get it. James, I get that your wife has some medical condition but as far as I understand she is able to walk, she is able to cook and she does not sound like she is paralysed. So there is absolutely no valid reason for her not to have sex. Apparently she is taking pain medication. So I get that she has pain. But I really don't see how sex (which you can do in so many different ways and positions) will cause her more pain than whatever other daily activity she does. Let's say that maybe she can't orgasm because of her condition. But even then that should not stop her from having sex with you because even without an orgasm it is a very pleasant activity. In my opinion you keep accepting her excuses and as long as you continue to do that, she will be very happy to give them. And beware: she might never lose the extra weight she has gained now because it gives her another buffer against sex. I think you are a bit of a masochist. OK, I guess it is your character and that you really love your wife and your family. Don't expect me to give you a medal for that. But I will tell you this: from what I read from you, I think you have to accept that it will never change. You will probably have sex a couple of times per year and that'll be it. I could not live like that, and I am a woman. I am pretty sure that I will want sex when I am in a relationship until I am 100. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Thanks for summarising the main points of the OP, xxoo! 1. A family. 2. My best friend. 3. Comfort and relaxation. 4. A partner who makes my life easier. 5. A coach and encourager. I am cool with all of the above but must admit that #2 has been bothering me somewhat. It is probably old fashioned nowadays - but I don't equate my marriage with friendship. To me, the marital bond is a spiritual bond which runs more deeply than friendship.. we are connected... one flesh and all that. I suppose I don't sleep with my friends. I sleep every night with my Hubby and so the hot hot loving has to probably be #1 in that this is a primary way our bond was established and is maintained. I say this with no disrespect to you or your wife. I understand there are long standing problems. .. but I sincerely believe that my Husband would do the same as you James if I were to suddenly become frigid. I know he would not leave me. Me? I am not as good as him. I would try for a long time but then I think I would just be single, have him as a friend and find the one who I could have that special bond with. .. but that's me. So, the main thing I get out of my marriage is a God given bond that I respect and add to daily with my sweety pops. If I can't add to this bond I will take it seriously and ponder the reasons why and make changes because I do love my Husband with all of my heart, mind, soul and body. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Do what I did, get yourself a biographer. can you recommend one? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 My marriage isn't about getting. It's about two people who love each other, want and can be together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and you and she sound like wonderful people. But you are living like room mates. How do you approach the topic with her? How do you approach her? Sorry I have not read all your posts and lack your background history. I think you need to have a passionate, somewhat angry, argument about what you need and want in this relationship sexually and be specific to what you want and what she could do to accomodate you. Tell her you cannot live celibate; that you love her and want and need a physical expression of that love and it is driving you crazy that she seems okay and complacent about it, so maybe you haven't made it clear to her because you empathize with her pain. But you are in pain too. Tell her you are not okay, and you need her help. Ask her what suggestions she has to help you with this. Tell her you cannot continue like this because you love her and still desire her physically and do not know what to do about it anymore..... Leave it open-ended....guage her response and work together to solve it. Do not allow NOT solving it to be an option. You are willing to do and try anything she suggests to solve this relationship problem together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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