For Dumpers (NC)

[digger]

For all of you who have dumped a guy:

 

After he begged, and pleaded and whined,

 

1) How did that make u feel? Were you drawing off that? Was it making you more determined you were right? And....

 

2) After he gave up and quit (nc) how did u feel then? Did u start to change your mind a little? Was the thrill of the chase over? Did you then want/wish to hear from him? Did it start to change your mind a little?

 

In essence, can anynoe who has dumped lend credence to the fact that NC makes a diff? Is it the way to go?

[Karlise13]

Hey, most of us have been dumpers and dumpees at different times. It usually sucks no matter what end you're on because it means the relationship has come to an end.

No matter how much you wanted it to end, no matter how big a sigh of relief you give, there's always some sadness.

 

 

But I will give you some answers regarding a relationship I was in for a while where I truly had feelings for the person for a time, but he proved himself time and time again to be untruthful, flaky, obnoxious, indecisive and just basically unworthy of my respect.

 

 

1. When he begged and pleaded and whined , YES I derived a great deal of pleasure from it. I felt like after the emotional turmoil he'd put me through, he deserved an emotional knife to the gut. His behavior had essentially turned my love to disgust. He totally took advantage of my good nature and affection. So I relished in his pain. YES IT WAS SWEET.

 

 

2. When he gave up and started to move on, I did initially feel a pang of emptiness. I had enjoyed my anger and revenge so much! Now it was time to move on and there's always that empty feeling when you have to face your own loneliness. I think I MISTAKENLY started wishing to hear from him again. But when I met someone new, those feelings quickly passed. There's nothing like new love to exterminate any lingering feelings for a toxic partner.

 

The truth is, I never really loved him. We had a lot of drama and drama can masquerade as passion. When you find a real love based on friendship, shared values and humour, you realize the ups and downs of being with a player are just a waste of time. A distraction.

 

I had to work that out via a lot of soul-searching, believe me. It almost cost me my new relationship because I felt ambivalent.

 

In fact, I did initiate contact with my ex for a short period of time (via email)

But he was just as stupid and lame and shallow online as he was in person.

I compared the types of things my new guy wrote with the ones my ex wrote.

I compared our conversations.

I compared our values

I compared the times we spent together.

 

In short, the ex came up short everytime. He just didn't have substance.

 

 

3. We don't have contact today. Of course, I am curious from time to time about how his life is going. But sometimes I think to myself and wonder what would have happened if we'd gotten real serious, ended up together for real. I shudder when I think about it like, 'BRRRRR...I escaped a real nightmare!'

[Megan5P]

Boy Karlise tells it like it is - I couldn't have written a better reply myself but will add my two cents here.

 

I dumped (divorced) my ex in June. My ex was unavailable emotionally and was so self absorbed and narcisstic I think he was more in love with his reflection in a mirror than he ever was with me. Divorcing him at the time while he was begging me for forgiveness was very satisfying.

 

The day before I went to court was the last time we spoke - it's been two months and I've gone thru so many emotions and even panic attacks wondering if I did the right thing. I know I did but life was such a whirlwind when I was with him - the silence without him has been deafening.

 

I have so many times where I'm tempted to write him letters and contact him but I don't. He never put forth any effort in stopping me from leaving him - why should I torture myself by trying to reconnect with him? It's hard because right now I'm unemployed and have waaaaayyyy too much time to sit and think about things.

 

I know if I just give it more time, find a new job and get busy again this will all subside. He's no good for me - I know it and I did the right thing by divorcing him - still it stings and hurts. I did love him.

 

I think it's natural and everyone mourns the ending of a relationship. We all prefer to stick with what's comfortable in our lives rather than take risks and move foward to new changes.

 

But all I have to do is start remembering all the times he pissed me off and killed my trust and that keeps me on track. I've lost 15 lbs. and counting since he last saw me. I hope to lose another 20 then run into looking like a supermodel to where he'll be the one left with all the regrets.

[adore-la-vie]

I have always been the one that breaks it off with the guys that I have dated. Granted it hasn't been alot (they have all been long term relationships). Here are my thoughts/experiences:

 

1. I never drawed off of his begging, pleading, whinning. It actually annoyed me more. The fact that he was begging for me back did make me realize that I was right and doing the right thing.

 

2. For me there was never a "thrill of the chase". When he FINALLY quit and there was NC, I felt relieved, like a huge weight had been released from my shoulders. I never changed my mind nor did I want to hear from them. The less contact the better I feel. That way both parties can start a move in the other direction.

 

Now the guys that I have dated all deserved the so called "heartache" they felt (they cheated or caused their own distruction). Trust me, I have dated some losers.

 

My first boyfriend however was different. I was young and it was my first love. He broke it off first and we of course got back together. After that it became a love-hate relationship to see who could cause the other the most pain.

 

I do believe that NC is the way to go. If the relationship is salvagable, it allows for thoughts and reflections on the relationship. If it is not salvagable, like I said above, it allows for healing and for both parties to start in the direction of moving on.

[seahorse]

Now that I'm dumping my husband (by going for divorce at long last after his affair), he has asked me, begged me several times to change my mind. I do not feel anything at all. He says I am hard and selfish and unforgiving. He can call me all the names he likes, it does not affect me overly; he started all this with his affair. I feel nothing for him, or for his feelings; if I'm hard it's what he's made me.

 

Now that the divorce is in the offing, (just waiting for the petition to arrive on the doormat), he seems to have accepted that it IS going to happen, and has given up asking me back, I am only relieved. I do not feel bereft, or annoyed that he has given up. I've been wishing that he would accept the inevitable for months; hopefully how he has.

 

seahorse