What is his deal?

[blackendangel13]

This is my first post here. While looking for advice on my current predicament I could not find a story that paralleled mine enough so I thought I'd just throw it out there. So here goes... My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up about 3 weeks ago. For the most part the relationship was fine. We both were in love but I had a series of tragic events come into my life in the last year and he wasn't the most supportive. He was, and still is, living with his best friend who is so jealous of me that in my weaker moments I feel he orchestrated the entire breakup, but that isn't the issue. This friend pressured my boyfriend all the time about spending his time with me and not him, so it caused a lot of problems because when he needed to be my stronghold he wasn't always there. Other than that the relationship was ok. He was always busy with school and two jobs, but that was fine with me as long as I got a phone call and we saw each other whenever we could. He was and still is my best friend.

 

Well we broke up about 3 weeks ago. He was doing the same old song and dance about how he was sorry that he isn't there for me and neglects me and I had finally heard enough and broke it off. I think that was the direction he was going so I got angry and did it myself. I kicked him out and gave back all of his stuff, even pictures and gifts; I wanted nothing there to remind me of him. He said he wanted to be friends and I said I'd see. So the next day my dad calls and my grandfather wasn't doing well so out of habit I called him and he came over the next day. Now this is where I get confused. Two days after our break up he comes over clean shaven (he was always scruffy) and showered and takes me out to an expensive restaurant, hugs and kisses me and even pays (I paid for a lot in our relationship because he is not that financially well off). Now every week or so he takes me out and last weekend he even spent the night at my house, despite the fact that he had no contact solution. I don't know if any of you know, but contacts hurt like hell when you sleep in them. Anyhow, he still tells me he loves me and we still sleep together and talk on the phone, but it is usually me calling him. I call and then he asks me out and gets all cleaned up and treats me better.

 

Well again he stayed over last weekend and we had a long talk about how I was feeling. I said a lot of things I needed to say about him neglecting me and all and he said things I needed to hear about how he was sorry and wanted to make everything up to me. In the end though at breakfast the next morning he kept re-iterating the fact that he thinks we made a good choice... I'm assuming about the breakup. Now I do not know who is trying to convince. Every time he said it I said, yeah I think I do need to take time to sort out my issues, so I pretty much agreed with him. I do understand that he says he wants to focus on school and stuff but I have never stood in his way of that and I kind of feel that excuse was a cop out. That's why I don't understand his need to re-iterate this statement. I told him he isn't giving me mixed signals about the sex. We sleep together because there is love and familiarity there and I don't want to run off and sleep with the first guy I meet at a bar. Anyhow, since I had been agreeing with this statement I don't know why he has been repeating it unless he is trying to convince himself or to see my reaction. I have a feeling he wants me to tell him I want him back and go crawling but I wont do that. I want him back but not in the relationship we had where he neglected me. All this talk of him being sorry and making things up to me makes me wonder if he is starting to get it. He has been so heavily influenced by what his friend thinks, he gives into him and his opinions and his friend doesn't like anyone who steals from his friend time. Anyhow, any advice? Do you think I should do the no contact?

[trouble]

From what I have read I think it may be best to take your own advice and try to have a real separation for a while. Although it may feel good to have him around and the sex may be familiar it won't do anything but hurt you in the long run. I know that if you are going through some tough family times it is very easy and comfortable to rely on him. However, sleeping with him and spending time with him without a committment you are sending him the message that it is ok. If you really want him to change and treat you better you have to demand that and be strong. Right now he is taking you out and treating you well but he continues to comment that you aren't together. Unfortunately you are enabling him to continue this behavior and there isn't an incentive for him to recommitt to you. If he can get the physical intimacy and also emotional intimacy without committing he will continue to do so. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. I am sorry that you are having family problems and relationship problems. Take some time off. If he wasn't too supportive during the times you needed him most, he is most likely not the guy for you. He may just be familiar and comfortable. A lot of times women ( I speak from experience) fall in love with who they think their boyfriend or significant other is but once the true person reveals himselve we still live under some false belief that they will change. This world is a difficult place to live in and our generation has lost a lot of daily connections with each other. You really need to be with someone that you feel will support you during the difficult times in life. I hope this helps. Hang in there and I hope your Grandfather is healing.

[blackendangel13]

Thank you for your advice. I have been doing a great deal to get over the situation. I have always been a person who if I know the boundaries I can cope. The sleeping together and telling me he doesnt want to be with me doesnt upset me emotionally, with all of my issues I probably shouldnt be in a relationship with anyone. I have been taking enormous positive steps. I am seeking therapy and going out with friends as often as possible. That is one thing I didnt do when we were together. When I needed support I expected him there and kind of didnt take my friends up on their offers to help me out, which is a mistake. I think the reason I want to spend time with him at all is to get that closure. But it makes it a little harder when the you are losing your boyfriend and your best friend at the same time. I think you are right though and I need to give him his space and he needs to face his own decisions. I am not forcing him to do that by calling all the time and making him think that I will always be his support.

[trouble]

I am happy to hear that you are getting therapy and also have a support system from you friends. I am not here to judge you but I highly doubt that sleeping with him fails to hurt you. You may not be aware of the damage it is causing. I know sometimes physical closeness can make us feel loved and safe but if it isn't backed by someone who is really there or caring it can lead to heartache in the end. I am not telling you what to do, I would just be careful. If you are young, you have a long life ahead of you. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

[blackendangel13]

You know what is funny. I went to a Chinese resteraunt the other day and was reading my fortune cookie and my fortunes are always usually really obscure and make no sense, but this one said "Patience is the key to happiness". I think I do need to stay away from him for awhile. I think he thinks I will always hold the torch for him and I need to him to face that there will come a day when I wont be there. Thanks for the advice. It has really helped.

[trouble]

Just hang in there and if you need to talk you can always send me a private message. I am here for you. I have found that being supportive of other people is helping me cope with my horrible situation. You can read my post from last week entitled My Heart is Breaking. I posted it on second chances and breaking up I think. You will make it through and patience is a virtue I am told!

[blackendangel13]

Thanks. It helps me alot to talk about things. Thats why I am really excited about seeking therapy. Break ups suck and I never thought I'd have to go through it again, but love truly is blind, and patience is no fun lol. But I am trying to go out more with other guys and friends. Not to replace him but replace some of the companionship I miss and make me feel a little better about myself. I am kind of in an up and down situation. Sometimes I feel I have the upper hand on him when he wants to hang out and says he still loves me, but then the down comes when I realize that making him jealous and not making him face his emotions doesnt help me. Its kind of the revenge game. It feels good sometimes, but then you think "why am I doing this to someone I love". I think there is still a lot of closure I need from him but right now is not the time. Im not forcing a choice or a change by calling and continuing to carry the torch.

[trouble]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I am not trying to be condescending but it sounds as if you are young. If that is the case then you are in luck. Relationships are tough during our early years. We are still trying to figure out who we are and how we relate to the world. Up until your late 20s it is a very selfish time and sometimes we get so self-absorbed we fail to realize that our actions have an inpact on those around us. I applaud your efforts to get therapy. Regardless of how it changes your current relationship it will only make your life better. I am only 28 but I have been in a couple serious relationships. Each time I seem to handle them better. I learn from earlier mistakes and find that I can relate to people better. I would definitely advise you to stop playing any kind of game. Revenge doesn't accomplish anything. You won't feel better hurting someone in the long run.

[blackendangel13]

You are right I am a youngin (20) and I know the whole thing about having my whole life ahead of me. I know things will get easier and I will find someone else. I am more worried about losing his friendship. We were really good friends before we got together and thats what Im sad to loose. Im not missing the relationship, I just miss the sleeping next to him, waking up with him, all the little things. My last comment about revenge was really poorly worded. I am not out to play games, but it is all too easy to feel hurt and angry at times and want that person to hurt. I know its not right but its just something that comes with the territory. I in no way want him to hurt like I feel, because I would wish it on my worst enemy. I dont like it when people compared a relationship to a game of power control but sometimes it seems that way to us because it makes us feel like we are in control. Through the past year with everything thats happend I feel somewhere I lost control and sadly trying to stay in his life makes me feel like I am in control, eventhough I am not. I have no doubt that is something therapy will help me with. You are right, this should be a selfish time for me and I should focus on myself but I have a lot of trouble doing that. I never have been able to be selfish and maybe thats what ruined the relationship and what is making it hard now. I always did everything for my boyfriend (23), cooked for him, did his laundry, let him go out whenever, and I never said "I need you to be with me", something I probably should have done at least once. He was always the selfish one and it made it harder for me to be selfish as well. I know that someday I will get over him. Time apart is going to work wonders. As I said, I think he assumes I am going to forever carry a torch and time apart will definately help me put it down.

[blackendangel13]

Just a quick post to thank you for the advice. Its day four of the no contact thing. Its getting a little easeir although Im starting to get a little more angry each day at the fact that he hasn't called me. It will pass I'm sure, but the friend idea was his so it's frustrating, not to mention he still has half of my dishes and clothes. I went out Tuesday without him (we made plans and I didnt call him to confirm) and dressed to the night and had a great time although I went with the intention of looking hot and getting phone numbers and not a one guy talked to me lol. My friends said they were just intimidated and did alot of staring at me. It made me feel good. So Im hoping that what needs to happen does. I think I need to give him time to get his act together or at least confront his feelings and I need time alone to heal. Calling the therapist today. Excited to start. Thanks for all the advice... anymore would be appreciated Thanks again.