My boyfriend's best friend is my little siter. . .

[Lady Chrissy]

I have this huge issues with my 21 year old boyfriend being best friends with my 16 year old sister. He claims he see her as a little siter and I believe him but. . . He talks to her about EVERYTHING in our relationship. We have an arguement he runs and talks to my sister. I hate it. My sister and I's relationship is ****ty and I feel like him talking to her all the time makes it worse. I live in the same house as my sis so I have to deal with her all the time. Most recently. . . an hour ago, we were talking and I asked him, "When we meet for the first time and have sex, are you going to tell anyon?" he replied by saying that he would probably talk to his guys friends (Which I don't mind) and problaly tell my sister. I told him I don't want him talking to my sister about us having sex, I don't even want him to bring it up to her. I find that extremely inapproprate and it makes me really uncomfortable. My sister knows EVERYTHING that goes on between my boyfriend and I and it makes me sick a lot. I don't know how to handle this. I'm sitting here on xbox listening to him play his game while I type this. I tried telling him that I will not stand for it and he just said he isn't going to talk about this right now. He even said, "You can stop talking now" I'm so upset by this and I don't know what to do.

[ana0pera]

that's totally inappropriate of him, and really weird. how old are you? did he meet your sister through you, or did you meet him through her?

 

honestly, that type of thing is relationship dealbreaker to me. it's no one's business what goes on b/n you guys, especially not your sixteen year old sister's business, and it definitely isn't his place to tell her. i can start spewing off a whole list of reasons why but I feel like it should be obvious.

 

 

if he can't respect your opinion on this, get rid of him. he is acting like a child and showing that he doesn't respect you. better that he shows his true colors now.

[Lady Chrissy]

im 19 n he met my sis through me. we have been dating on and off for a year and a half and he only started talking to my sister after we broke up for 3 months back in march of this year. I made some mistakes in the relationship before but I still don't think he needs to be still talking to her about ****.

[umirano]

Put your foot down. In my opinion your request is reasonable. It's less that he is talking to your sister at all. It could very well be that it is not really a threat to you, depending on the length of the convos and their frequency.

 

But he is your boyfriend. His job is to make you feel comfortable. Feeling uncomfortable if BF talks to ones own siblings about the sex with you is reasonable. He should consider and value your feelings more than his need to talk or your sister's curiosity.

I don't think there's any room for debate. He does in fact not need to talk about it anymore. You make the call on this and he has to friggin' swallow it.

And generally, I find his need to scrutinize your relationship with your sister pretty weird.

 

The SO disrespecting how I am feeling in a relationship is a red flag. I only pursue relationships with a long-term perspective, so I'd never give in on something as important as this and I strongly suggest to you to do the same.

 

So what you should do is:

 

 

1. Tell him in no uncertain terms, you don't want him to talk to your sister about the sex he has with you. It's non-negotiable and an opportunity for him to prove his loyalty to you.
   
2. Let him know you don't like (the length? the frequency? the contents? of) his conversations with your sister.
   

How bad is your relationship with your sister? Is there a way you could get her to cooperate with you on this? Namely, get her to reduce or stop the contact with your BF?

 

 

all the best

[umirano]

im 19 n he met my sis through me. we have been dating on and off for a year and a half and he only started talking to my sister after we broke up for 3 months back in march of this year. I made some mistakes in the relationship before but I still don't think he needs to be still talking to her about ****.

 

What kind of mistakes?

 

How often did you break up and get back together?

 

Does he know you feel uncomfortable about him talking to your sister?

 

Does your sister know?

 

regards

[Lady Chrissy]

What kind of mistakes?

 

How often did you break up and get back together?

 

Does he know you feel uncomfortable about him talking to your sister?

 

Does your sister know?

 

regards

 

We broke up twice, once back july of 2001 but that last a month and we still talked a few times a week. The second time, we broke up in March of 2012 and we started to talk again in june when my cat died.

 

The mistakes were, before I was with him I was a compulsive liar and I cheated on my boyfriends before. Now as much as no one believes me I never cheated on my current boyfriend. I flirthed with other guys and I let guys talk to me in way I shouldn't have. I lied alot in the begening of our relationship all the way up to the first break up. but since we got back together in july I havn't told one single lie to him and I am loyal as ever. I know what I did was messed up in the past and I honestly don't know what I was thinking back then.

 

And yes he knows, I tried telling him I dont' like it but he instist that she is her best friend.

 

Also when probably partly my fault that they talk is because I brought her in the middle of arguments before. And when me and my boyfriend broke up my sister was there for him to keep him form coming back to me. She would convice him and stuff. Me amd my sister's relationship is really bad at this point. She talks bad about me to all of our mutual friends just about.

 

this rant could keep going. . .

My sister knows that I don't like them talking all the time but it doesn't matter. I made my sister cry once and my boyfriend starts lecturing me about how I mistreated my sister. She doesn't know about the sex thing but he has talked to her about me "doing things" with another guy when we were broken up to her and of course my sister freaks out on me, as if its any of her business.

[Lady Chrissy]

 

 

 

1. Tell him in no uncertain terms, you don't want him to talk to your sister about the sex he has with you. It's non-negotiable and an opportunity for him to prove his loyalty to you.
   

 

 

all the best

 

If I were to say that this is a chance to prove his loyaty to me then I would never hear the end of it. He would say, "I've done nothing to have to prove it to you. I have been nothing but loyal." at that point he would most likely bring up the past or her would tell my sister what I asid and I would hear her opinoin on the whole thing.

 

Another thing, he takes relationship advice from her. . .

[Lady Chrissy]

I meant we broke up in 2011 not 2001

[umirano]

a whole host of teenage drama.

 

No worries, it will get better, you clearly see that trying to manipulate people and lying doesn't really get you anywhere in the long run. So you have learned a lot. Sometimes it seems to me, people much older than you, haven't learned this.

What you want, is to be with people who learned this too at some point in their lives and who try hard not to do it again. It is tempting, a little manipulation, a little lie can be so rewarding in the short run. But it makes your life complicated and all your relationships are constantly exposed to serious risks, i.e. when caught on those past sins.

And it even makes the liar/manipulator miserable, because at some point you feel, a relationship only is alive because it is rigged with and based on plenty of lies (to yourself or others) and you want to move on. Transparency about one's feelings is the best currency.

 

Make it clear to your boyfriend, that you want a relationship based on honesty, exclusivity and loyalty. If he is not able to give you this, you both are better off breaking it off now. It saves you time and pain, and lets you work on finding someone who is ready for this.

 

I told my GF:

"Don't be shy, I'd rather accept that you can't give me those three things and hurt right now (but also start to heal much sooner) than finding out much later, that you never could give them to me in the first place."

 

The only thing that you are asking of him, is to be honest to you. If he does not want to give you those three essential things, there is nothing you can do about it, except for moving on. But you need to know, and you need to know fast. After all you are young, smart and pretty from what I can tell. Don't waste your time on guys who don't commit and try to outsmart you.

 

best

[umirano]

If I were to say that this is a chance to prove his loyaty to me then I would never hear the end of it. He would say, "I've done nothing to have to prove it to you. I have been nothing but loyal." at that point he would most likely bring up the past or her would tell my sister what I asid and I would hear her opinoin on the whole thing.

 

Another thing, he takes relationship advice from her. . .

 

Oh I see. But it is disloyal of him talking to your sister if you don't like it and told him so. You admit to your faults in the past. You know it was wrong and you changed your attitude on it. You told him. He knows. Does he trust you? Does you having made mistakes in the past relieve him of being loyal to you now and forever?

 

Tell him, his best relationship advice he can take, is not to talk to your sister about your relationship. At least not as long your relationship with your sister is as bad. Anyone with half a brain can see that this isn't working.

[InThePinc]

Hi Chrissy,

 

My name is Chrissy too!

 

This is a very difficult situation to be in. I was in a similar situation with my good friend being with my brother while i was going out with her brother! Her brother would tell her and my brother what we would get up to though we didn't actually get up to anything together but it was uncomfortable because he'd tell them things I'd said.

 

It's not right that he is telling your sister these things. He should have more respect for you and for the relationship than that. Especially as you have been honest about how you feel. I wouldn't like it. It would make me VERY paranoid and it would cause me to have trust issues as you dont know what will eventually get back to your sister.

 

I understand that he talks to her as she is his best friend but when you date your best friends sister he cant expect to talk to her about you and for it not to upset you.

 

However, just because not talking to her about your relationship is the right thing to do, it doesn't mean that he'll agree with that and stop talking to her.

 

Try talking to him when he's not playing a game. Maybe go for a walk or for a coffee and then try explaining to him very calmly, keeping all anger or frustration out of your voice, exactly how it makes you feel. Tell him you understand that she is his best friend and you arent trying to interfere with that and that you know that he talks to her about private matters but that you prefer that he didn't talk about you to her.

 

If that goes well great but if it doesn't then I think you are left with two options - accept that whatever you and your bf talks about or get up to can and will get back to your sister or break up with him.

 

Good luck xx

[amaysngrace]

I think you are the only thing they have in common and you are all they ever talk about.

[Lady Chrissy]

Thank you everyone your support. I'm really not sure where to go from now. I really want to be heard and understood but I'm so scared that he won't change his actions. If him and I were to break up I would lose most of my friends since EVERYONE is friends with My sister and my boyfriend and I so I would be the one getting shunned. On top of all this I do love him and he is an amazing man towards me, I just don't know who to convice him that I don't want him taking to my sis about our relationship. I'm afraid saying we could break up over this would backfire on me and he would just say well goodbye then. . . but then I guess he wasn't the one for me. ugh! ANy step by step advice for me to talk to him about this? Remember we are in an LDR and talking to him in person just isn't an option. Also, I am thinking about taking a few day to myself (Without friends and boyfriends) to think about things and maybe writing a email to him instead of talking because I have a hard time expressing how I feel when I talk becuase my mind doesn't think that fast. IDK just help me

[Lady Chrissy]

And should I talk to my sister? She is really hardheaded, and speaks her mind without any thought towards others feelings.

[umirano]

yes, taking a rest and distancing yourself from this for a few days is a very good idea. Look, this really matters to you. You want to discuss problems between you and your bf with him and only him. And if both of you want outside advice, i.e. someone commenting on the two of you to both, you agree on who to talk to. It's not him who decides alone who to let in on your problems when you have to face that person. Isn't this a no-brainer??

He should have close friends with whom he can talk about the relationship with you. Obviously it cannot be your sister with whom you happen to have a bad relationship right now. Maybe your bf needs a more vivid example? Ask him whether he would be ok with you talking about relationship problems to one of his family members who he is not too close with, or with another person he knows and is having issues with, and if he'd still be ok with it if that person lived under the same roof and was in his face all the time.

And yes, writing down your thoughts will help. You may not need to send the e-mail off. Sometimes it suffices to sit down and clear your thoughts by writing them down in order to prepare for a talk.

 

Show your sister that you take her seriously, by talking to her calmly and by coming clean about your feelings. Tell her you feel trapped and that you want to deal with your bf alone, without knowing she is involved too. Ask her to help you with this situation. Sometimes people act harsher than they actually are. You opening up to her could soften her. Give it a try. Prepare for getting hurt though.

 

Good luck!

[Lady Chrissy]

Well I tried to talk to them both and It ended badly. I cried, was told that I am not allowed to ask something like that. I'm a bad person for even suggesting that and now I'm forced to just deal iwth it sinc eI'm un willing to let my boyfriend go. =( I guess this is just one of those things were I have to give up on, there is no way to change it. My boyfriend and my sister are really good at making same situations very different. . . I'm tired and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Thanks for everyone's help though, it was nice to know someone is on my side with this.

[ana0pera]

Sorry it didn't go too well Lady Chrissy I would take umirano's advice and distance yourself a bit for a few days, to give you all some time to cool off and reflect.

 

This might sound (and even be) manipulative, but one thing that you might do is tell your boyfriend you don't feel comfortable sleeping with him just yet, knowing that he is going to discuss your sexual relationship with your sister. Let him know that you feel like that is something special and private just between the two of you, and that even though you love him very much, you don't feel comfortable sharing yourself with him in an intimate way if those details are going to be shared in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I do not think this is unreasonable and if he gives you more crap, you should honestly consider if you want to be in a relationship where you feel pressured by both of them to do things you don't want. you shouldn't have to settle in a relationship and when you make compromises, those compromises should be fair and determined by YOU and your PARTNER, not outsiders (and especially not siblings). I can tell that you care about him, but if he is disregarding your feelings and being immature, please ask yourself if he really loves you or deserving of your love. sometimes you just have to walk away, but i really hope it doesn't come down to that for you!

 

I hope this helps, and hang in there!

[freestyle]

Lady Chrissy--what your bf is currently doing is called triangulating.

(and you were guilty of doing it as well, when you brought your sister into your relationship issues)

 

Anytime you involve a third party in issues that should be resolved between two people--you're going to have this kind of drama ensue.

 

If you need to pour your heart out about what's happening in your relationship--make sure it's to someone who is completely loyal to you , first & foremost, and who isn't maintaining a friendship with your boyfriend. With sisters, there's can be a chance of sibling rivalry getting in the way.

 

I'd like to recommend that you do some reading on triangulating in relationship dynamics---Karpman's Drama Triangle in particular. You may enjoy a lot more peace in your life, once you gain a deeper understanding of those dynamics play out. (I wish I would've been tipped off to that when I was your age)

 

Good luck to you........

[Lady Chrissy]

Thank you freestyle, I will check that out. Also, I did get him to agree anything sexual will NEVEr be talked about with my sister and both my sister and boyfriend agreed on that one, I believe him. That is the one thing, I trust both of them, I just hate that they talk to each other. I understand whey they do because he really has no one else he trust to talk to and she and him are alike in personality so they can talk without problems. I know neither of them like each other, other then friends it's just frustrating. I also told them that they are npt allowed to come at me if something they don't like in the others relationship comes up. If me and my sis get into an arguement, my boyfriend is not allowed to lecture me or say a damn thing, he has to be my boyfriend and learn to be there for both of us since he put himself in the postion. I still take a bigger priority then my sis and I will not fee less. So I hope this ends up working out.

[justwhoiam]

he isn't going to talk about this right now[/b]. He even said' date=' "You can stop talking now"[/b']

What a jerk. Sounds like my bf, uh, did I say bf? I guess it's just typical of some guys, they think they can behave like that and that's normal. They even think you're weird, I'm sure. Don't let it go. Just leave him. If he prefers losing you than stopping talking to your little sister who is also a minor, and willing to share with her intimate details of your life, than it's better for you to find another boyfriend. Seriously.

 

was told that I am not allowed to ask something like that. I'm a bad person for even suggesting that and now I'm forced to just deal iwth it sinc eI'm un willing to let my boyfriend go. =( I guess this is just one of those things were I have to give up on, there is no way to change it.

Don't let that happen. Have some dignity. Better alone than with some jerk. Any day.