so devastated

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, you have indeed helped me. I guess we're sharing a crutch, huh? And it sure ain't the rubber variety that our exes would have given us.

 

Your father is absolutely right. These are childish men, with no more thought about what havoc they're wreaking in someone else's life than a 2-year-old kicking a puppy. They'll hurt and abandon you as long as that means they don't have to deal with whatever wild hair they have up their a**.

 

My ex was...get this!...50 years old. I think he kept forgeting the ZERO! Can you imagine being that bloody old and getting on the phone to someone at work and hysterically dumping them and hanging up on them?! This man is older than I am, what's his deal? His deal is that he has "mommy issues" and she essentially made him feel he needed to choose. So he chose her. How much more immature can it get?

 

So I at least have my suspicions of what caused all this maybe 75% confirmed just by deduction. I know you're suffering because it was all so sudden, inexplicable and vague. You never got to get YOUR issues out. You never got to tell him how YOU feel. You never got to be angry, or cry, or understand, or object -- no wonder you feel frustrated and miserable. But that's the nature of the beast. HE doesn't want to have to deal with all that. HE wants the easy way out. HE wants to get on with his life by stuffing all his issues back down deep inside and ignoring them (until they explode again) while YOU have to bear the brunt of it and take days, weeks, months perhaps, out of your life to heal. It sucks, but it's like a hit-and-run driver. Leave you broken in a ditch and drive off so they don't have to face the cops or jail time or losing their license. The person he most cares about is HIMSELF.

 

That you're not crying as much IS a sign you're healing. I cried so much I didn't think a human could create that many tears! Sometimes for literally hours.

And as for whether he's feeling as much pain...well, I would think he may be feeling a different pain. I know my ex is. The pain of being too cowardly to come to terms with something in order to have someone in your life that you care about. If they ARE suffering (and I think they probably are), it's the sort of suffering that has no easy out. Because it has to deal with their own inner failings, and those are the hardest things in the world to face.

 

You'll know what you want soon enough. For right now, it's enough to know what you DON'T want. And that's a man who will put you through this kind of torment. That's a good start.

 

KM

[SMF]

KM-

 

I am glad we found each other on this site!

 

Oh goodness 50 ? How much older is he? Seems like he's got a case of the "mommy's" and you definitely don't want that bc you don't want that on your hands for the rest of your life.

 

I am right with you on the tears. It will be one month tomorrow and I have had 2 dates already. That is part of th the healing process- forcing yourself to be out there, active. I have gone back to the gym, I am focused at work.. and I have seen improvements on myself.

 

STILL I feel like the person that was in fact left in the ditch, but somehow I managed to get up.

 

Theses exes have to deal with something day in and day out and that is GUILT and FEAR. Fear that is going to come on to them like an ocean when they realized that they may have made the BIGGEST mistake of their lives.

 

I am still shocked that when I asked him if he was making the right decision he said "yes" I guess since its his decision he should know. All of his friends/family thinks he is crazy for breaking up our relationship - even his father said he had hoped that I would have been his daughter in law. But I ain't marrying the dad.

 

Its still a hard pill to swallow. The way this whole break up occured. Absolutely not one fight/no warning/no bickering/no signs. Its unreal that the behavior was so duplicite. PLUS he was just with my parents in their house for a 4 day vacation and he was quite happy to be with me and with them. SO They feel betrayed and hurt as well.

 

Do you feel like you know what you want bc time has past and you have a clearer head?

 

How long has it been since you broke up?

[smile95]

Are you sure we did not date the same person. I dated a guy who we talked about future stuff and marriage(although he did say love you). Things were good and now he just stopped everything. Will not even respond to anything! I gave up. He is going thru chld custody and I guess he is stressed? But he does not even care about my feelings of being hurt. I doubt everything now. It hurts so much to feel fooled. I treated him too good. Keep your spirits up!! You will meet Mr. RIght

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, you're probably much younger than I am! I'm 42 (although I'm proud to say that everyone I work with thought I was late 20's-early 30's thanks to my mother's genetic structure and wrinkle-proof skin ). You'd think I'd be old enough to know better than to get mixed up in freaky situations like this.

 

My ex is indeed 50...but I always used to refer to him kiddingly as "a kid." He had this fresh face and big blue eyes and also, thanks to his (horrible) mother's genetic structure, people generally thought he was much younger than he was. He also had this fresh, naive, optimistic take on life, totally unjaded and unembittered. So much so that I would look at him sometimes and say, "You're just a kid!" I sometimes literally felt that he was younger than I am and had to keep reminding myself he was 50! He always protested that he wasn't a kid at all. And even though I said it jokingly, I did feel that he was somehow not very emotionally mature.

 

Now he's gone back in time to age 19 when he was poised to either go into the military or stay home and go to college. When he was actually 19, he went into the military. Now that he's in this time warp, he's taking the other route and staying home and attending college! I mean, I admire the fact that he wants a college degree...but guess what! You don't have to be at your mother's beck and call and let her control your life just because you're going to college!

 

Monday will be 8 weeks -- 2 months -- since the breakup. Oh, well. I think time does give you some mental clarity that you absolutely do not have those first few weeks when you're stumbling around trying to cope with this gigantic loss and can't imagine any kind of life without this person. Once you realize your life isn't stopping because they're gone, and you realize that your emotions are still intact (you can still love, you can still laugh, you can still desire), then you start moving in the direction of things that you want. Sometimes things you would never have thought about otherwise.

 

And I guess the more time that goes by, the more I feel that I don't need someone in my life who bails at the first sign of trouble. What if we had been married, had joint finances, a home together and he just up and walked out on me? Baloney.

 

Your situation sounds more and more bizarre and frustrating all the time! He spends time with your parents, and makes no indication that anything is wrong! No wonder you're struggling to make sense of this. It would be different if you had had ongoing problems, or disagreements, or he had seemed dissatisfied in some way. And the fact that his family liked you and were hoping you would be a part of the clan...!

 

Don't feel so badly that he feels he's making the "right" decision. You can't see that it's the right decision for him because he had decided to keep the contents of his heart and mind a mystery to you. IF you knew what was going on, you may actually agree that he's doing the right thing. Maybe not just for himself, but for you, too. There's no way to know why he feels this is right. All you can know is that he's convinced of it. And if he's convinced of it, this is the only path he can take. He can't be with you if he feels it's "wrong" based on whatever he's feeling. You don't want someone staying with you when they don't feel it's right.

 

But no matter what his reasons were, you had a right to know what they were. There's nothing worse than mysteriously dropping out of someone's life and refusing to give an explanation. He owed you that much courtesy. Losing someone is hard enough, but losing them without knowing why is insult added to injury. Honestly, I couldn't do this kind of thing to anyone and be able to sleep at night or look at myself in the mirror! I would rather be dumped and be given a load of lies as an explanation than to have no explanation at all.

[SMF]

Yes, I am 26. You are very wise. Seems as though you are very confident with the place that you are right now in your life. You know exactly what you want, you have come to terms with what happened with your breakup and even though its only been 8 weeks, you seem very well past the situation.

 

If you aren't - looks like you are telling yourself that you are. Its true you don't want to be with someone the second there is a down in the relationship. That is what happened in my case as well- we both were stressed out with our jobs and the stress was a little bit of a down and the next thing I know he bails.

 

Its very spooky that he said one thing and did another. As recently as 3 days prior, he looked at my face with the perfect window of opportunity and when I asked do you think we will live together- he replied yes. Instead one would think that he could mention that he was having doubts about out our relationship.

 

I sensed a little distance from him, brought it up at the time and he replied that he wasn't having any issues, he would never be dishonest and would never lead me astray. 3 days later he did. Its totally wild that someone could flip that quickly. Its scary to me.

 

His reasons were- He needed time, He felt we were on different pages, He felt pressure, overwhelmed, feelings faded, its not there for him anymore (yet it was there 3 days prior), again he needed time, didn't want to lie to me, didn't want to lie to himself, if he stayed in it - could get worse, did i want to wait to get married for 5 years. When I heard him say all this I said- You are flipping out and he responded with - let me flip out. Since then he basically said he isn't ready to reconsider/and speakign at this point is not helpful/feels he is doing the right thing. Very confident with that.

 

Its such a shame. It was the first person I put so much faith in, trust, truly bonded and had the most united relationship with- and all of this could have been avoided had he not kept things bottled up and then just exploded out of no where one day. I also feel that he has some committment problems- obviously bc we hit the 8 month mark and he just bailed. I think he was afraid of his own feelings, of getting to close, of loving, of future steps - albeit constantly talking about living together, settling down, rings, dual alarm clocks, etc...

 

I am sorry that your situation didn't work out either. You seem really warm and nice. Has he tried to communicate with you at all in the breakup?

 

I am STRUGGLING - with calling to find out where is head is. Bc I feel that I will have missed a window of opportunity if I never do that. And I will regret that. But in reality he should come back to me... if he wanted to be with me. I DON"T know why I still feel like there are things that I could say, answers I want to obtain. I am very saddened by what happened to me and how this person could betray me the way that they did.

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, I've found a really odd parallel on many, many of these posts, from both men and women. Men put deposits down on engagement rings, and the woman bolts. Women get ready to move in, and the man wigs out. Before you can say "I do," these folks is gone with the wind. More like gone with a tornado that happens to also take your house, your barn, your livestock and every stitch of clothing you own.

 

I even considered the idea that my ex was literally bi-polar. I did a little net research on the subject and found out that some bi-polars have loooonnng cycles. Like they can be manic (I love you, Let's be exclusive, Let's get married, Let's move in, Let's buy a ring, Everything is GREAT!!!) for months or even years, and then BOOM, they're down (I can't do this, This is too much, I feel pressured, I can't talk to you, GOODBYE!). My sister-in-law is bi-polar but she's what they call a "rapid cycler" and she can be crying literally one moment, and laughing the next. It's just a theory. You can see how far I was stretching to understand what was going on.

 

The fact that everything was normal up until 72 hours before the explosion for you is simply astounding! He has ample opportunity to confess that he wasn't happy. He even said he wouldn't lie to you. So one day he's saying "I want to be with you," and you have to believe he's not lying, but then three days later he says he doesn't want to be with you, and you have to believe he's not lying. I can understand things getting frayed to the breaking point by pressure and stress, but usually it's a gradual process and you can see it happening.

 

I see now that calling him has been necessary for you and your life perception. You couldn't live every day with the nagging idea that IF ONLY you have given him a window of opportunity. I suppose I'm a little harder person...I feel that the man needs to make his own window. And if he doesn't, that satisfies me that there's nothing to regret. But you need to KNOW that you didn't do anything that may have crushed even a faint hope. That's a given for you, and I think, given that, it was right for you to call him.

 

It sounds to me that you're able to process the concept that he has commitment issues. It's more the betrayal thing that hits you, isn't it? Me, too. If my ex had only sat down with me face to face and talked about what was scaring him (because he did say he didn't want a second divorce, meaning from me) and how to cope with his interfering mother instead of just jumping the wall, who knows what may have happened? At the very least, I wouldn't have felt betrayed, abandoned and rejected out of nowhere.

 

He hasn't contacted me, so there's nothing more I can do, or wish to do. I'm sorry for him and sorry for me. I'm sad sometimes, and angry sometimes, but the feelings aren't as sharp and vivid as they were a couple of weeks ago. I'm mostly lonely, and feel the absence in my life of someone I can love and be loved by, a true companion, and someone to walk through life with. But that may yet be in the future. All I can do is live my life and see what happens next.

[SMF]

Amazing

 

You really brought up something that I have YET to fully recognize myself which is that- he wanted me to belive that he was being honest and was probably lying and then stated that he didn't want to be together- and I was to belive that. It makes so much sense.

 

I think our exes were more like Jeckyll and Hyde... split personalities... Said one thing/Did another. BUT this was not a behavior that I fully recognized in my ex when we were together. Only when trouble started which was basically at the end did I see something peculiar in the behavior. Passive Aggressive.

 

Was your break up gradual or quick?

 

The mere fact that it was so abrupt on my end, makes me think that my ex panicked albeit saying that he had given his decision a great deal of thought. A part of me hates him for hurting my heart and not even given me the respect post-break up to have a full on conversation. Its his own fears that prevent him from having a conversation with me bc he must be weak in the sense that he probably has no clue if he is doing the right thing/making the biggest mistake but feels that he needs to be alone/time/with other people to see if he made the right decision.

 

I want to call- but I have made positive personal strides which prevent me from opening up the can of scary worms. BUT, it eats me up inside that I was left with all of this mess. Its the repetitive thoughts that I have of calling which will not go away until I actually have a conversation w/ him where I gain a better understanding or I can hang up and say I HATE That person and I don't want him in my life.

 

I am not a 5 year old, I would never ever ball out my ex despite his terrible breakup/hurtful things, etc... Instead I would like to strangle him... Just joking! Wouldn't we all!!!!???!!!

 

How do you deal with the anger/sadness? Its so conflicted.. Head and Heart- they tell you 2 different things...

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, my breakup was over the course of a week. He came up to see me on Friday, asked me to look at rings on Saturday. We chose one, he told me to choose the ruby to set it with, and left on Sunday, telling me he loved me. It was also Sunday that I told him I was nervous about meeting his daughter (he knows I'm rather shy) and that I didn't want to spend July 4 with his family and was thinking of just taking off on my own for a couple of quiet days (because my landlady has a BIG drunken bash and its best to be away).

 

He called me Monday night, but I missed the call. I called him Tuesday night, but no answer, and I left a message. I called again on Wednesday, twice, but no answer and I didn't leave a message either time. By now, I had ominous feelings.

 

Thursday I received an email at work telling me that he wanted to go with his intuition and "put all this behind" him and call me, but that he now had "doubts." This from the man who was constantly assailing me with long, emotional emails begging me to have no more doubts about his love for me and that we would be married!

 

He said that he couldn't consider his daughter a "distraction" to our relationship and that he essentially wanted me to love his family. I wrote back and told him that I didn't consider his daughter a distraction, that I had told him that I have difficulty meeting new people, was nervous, and was worried that she wouldn't like me! How he twisted this around was a mystery, but I think I now know.

 

I also told him frankly that as his family treats him so poorly and because they seem to spend a huge amount of time together, that if I were to live around them, there would be times he would have to attend family gatherings on his own. (His mother is mean and dismissive to him, and she rules the roost. She is a widow and she basically runs her childrens' lives. She's the one who dictates the constant gatherings and get togethers and makes nasty remarks if people decide to spend their time at home with their kids or with their own friends.) That was my compromise to him. I thought it was reasonable. I simply am not going to let this woman control MY life, and I'm not hanging with these people 3 - 4 times per week, on the weekends, and on every holiday imaginable, plus go on "family vacations" with them!

 

Long story short, he wrote back and said that he "needed time" and that all he had ever wanted was for us to be happy together and that he will "never stop loving" me. That last phrase told me all I needed to know.

 

I gave him time from that Thursday and by Monday morning I was a lunatic. How much time do you need?! I got online at work and noticed he was online. I IMd him and he didn't respond. I then called his cell, no answer. Finally, he answered via IM, said he had been in the shower and that he would call me that evening. I was going to reply with an OK when he logged off. It was only seconds before he called me at work and told me that I don't "want" his daughter or his family and that he can't "come up there (Boston) and get a second divorce!" He again said he loved me, that he hopes he doesn't live much longer, and then goodbye -- CLICK!

 

I couldn't get a word in edgewise. At one point he was telling me that he wasn't going to cut off his family for me or anyone else, and that he wasn't going to choose! In my email to him I said specifically "I am not asking you to cut ties with your family, and I'm not asking you to choose between us, I only want you to accept the fact that I'm not going to spend as much time with them as you do and that you need to respect my wish to do things that I want to do." I couldn't believe that he actually read those words in black and white and then is accusing me of wanting to disconnect him from his family!!!!

 

It was the most hysterical and nonsensical conversation I've ever had with anyone! He was totally berserk. After he hung up, I went into the bathroom and cried, then asked my friend at work to come out and hang with me for a while. She hugged me and stayed with me until I could go back in.

 

That's it. I haven't heard one word from him and I haven't contacted him, either. I realize now that he probably confided in his mother, who then probably persuaded him that I would make trouble between him and his daughter, and that I was trying to cut him off from his family. She's possessive and she had put him in positions where SHE was accusing him of choosing to be with me when he should be with his family. Everyone, including my therapist, agrees that she is probably the instigator of this whole mess.

 

But the bottom line is that she can meddle as much as she likes. It was my EX who let this happen. He chose to listen to her, and to formulate ideas in his own head without talking to me. He decided to cut me off and instead of calling me that evening, which would have given me a chance to talk, he did a preemptive strike and called me at work to dump me. He's weak, and he's disloyal to the woman in his life, and he was wrong to lead me on as far as engagement and then bolt on me. This was HIS decision.

 

Sorry this was so long. Just to show you this was no gradual thing, but rather sudden and ridiculous. And happening not too long after he FINALLY told his mother we were engaged. He didn't tell her until we had been engaged for almost 6 months! He obviously knew there was going to be some kind of blow out.

 

How do I deal with the anger and sadness? I put my attention elsewhere. I remember that there's a whole world out that that has nothing to do with my ex. There are oceans, mountains, exotic cities, people doing interesting and exciting things, life goes on. I want to be part of that life instead of in a narrow little box bounded by my ex and our time together and what happened between us and all the ugly feelings at the end.

 

The odd thing is that I think he has tried to contact me. Only because yesterday I got an AOL email with a screen name I didn't recognize. But it seemed like the sort of thing he would do. There was no subject line. I felt like it was him and didn't open it because I thought that if it turned out to be a stupid spam, I would be crushed.

 

The more I thought about it, the more I thought it may be him. So I thought, "tomorrow, I'll open it." Then I thought "what if he chickens out and unsends it?" You can do that between 2 AOL accounts. Lo and behold, I opened my mail this morning and it was gone. I can only assume that it was unsent. Why else would everything else still be there and only this disappeared?

 

Who knows? It may not have been him at all. But it was a strange occurence. Well, that's the whole ugly story.

[SMF]

WOW. What a story. My perception

-He chose his mother and like a momma's boy listened to the advice his mother gave you

-He made a snap decision

-He didn't consult you at all bc he wanted to go with HIS thoughts and didn't want to have his opinion swayed by you bc you are the SENSIBLE/RATIONAL ONE

-He may have remorse but he is cuddling in his mothers arms instead of running towards you

-HE MADE A BIG BIG MISTAKE and SAVED you from a lifetime of compromise and heartache.

 

When things end abruptly - I find it to be very sick. My ex has issues. He was always in a good mood, la la land,, things were peachy keen. He loved movies, he loved music... But hid from his own emotions. He never ever told me that he was in a bad mood. Very even keeled... and then snaps. All the while I think the breakup came out of the blue bc he was saying how much he appreciated me and what not- but something was mysteriously hidden in him.

 

I know that I have come along way- except last night I was hysterically crying. (I hadn't cried since Sunday). Reason being is twisted.... Its my instinct to think that if someone wanted a second chance I would have to reach out to them when in reality it is there job as the dumpers to realize and come back to us. BUT why do I think that I have this power to persuade/check in/convince someone to be with me? I dont' know why I feel that way.

 

ALSO- when we emailed last which was about 3 weeks ago - I asked if we could speak and he said that he wasn't ready to reconsider... its not helpful to speak right now. Does this mean that we will eventually speak? That he is reconsidering/weighting options? OR is he giving me LIP Service.

 

When we broke up - I said how would you ever come back and he said that he would have to realize and that he would call me. BUT AGAIN LIP service.. I Think he just wanted out.

[KaiaMahina]

Your comments on my ex and his wiggy thinking is spot on as far as I'm concerned. And you're probably right that he saved me a lot of misery, because these issues with his mother are ongoing. Even when she's dead and gone, she'll still control her kids unless they do the work to get her out of their heads. It's a shame. Neither of his sisters is happy, mainly because they're trying to fulfill their mother's ideals of what a woman's life is supposed to be about. What a waste!

 

The problem with your ex is that now you don't know what to trust about him. You're right: saying that he may realize and call you, saying that the time isn't right to talk right now (thus leaving the door open that he will talk in the future) may only be lip service. Does he really just need uninterrupted time to think, at which point he'll contact you to talk? Or is he just blowing you off until you get tired of asking and move on? That's the dilemma.

 

Giving a straight answer would release you and let you feel one way or another about him, instead of all these conflicted emotions. If as he say he just wanted out, what's so difficult about SAYING SO?

[SMF]

You are right- I don't know if I could ever ever trust him after all that he has done.

Its been 2 weeks and I haven't contacted him. I feel that the pain IS declining and I am feeling more like myself. How are you doing?

 

I do want to still contact him, but I am waiting until I am fully not-emotional about it anymore. I have a burning urge to ask him if he is satisfied and happy with his decision. I guess if we aren't together then he is satisfied. Maybe I am just grasping for straws.

 

Do you think that is a good idea?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, it all depends on your state of mind, your emotional balance and whether you can accept the answer no matter what it may be.

 

If you contact him and get the same answer, will you be able to handle it? Will it set you back and damage what you've already accomplished? The same answer, vague and wishy-washy, will only leave you in the same spot and in another few weeks you'll having another "burning urge" to contact him again to see if anything has changed.

 

If he gives you a straight YES or NO, then obviously you know where to go from there. I'm just worried that you're stalling your own life needlessly based on his whims and vagaries or perhaps his inability to face "hurting" you by being up front and telling you there's no hope (as if you're not hurting this way!).

 

The other option is to wait to see if this urge diminishes with time. The thing is, he knows where you are and how to get in touch with you. You're not his nursemaid, coming in to check his temperature every half hour. If he wants the easy way out, let him have it. If he wants you, let him come looking. You've made your feelings clear.

 

You're correct: if he's dissatisfied with his decision, he will contact you. But ultimately, its up to you.

[SMF]

I always love your posts!!!!

 

How have you been doing?

 

I really have been strong. Going on 15 days of No Contact. I feel more like myself.

 

I do feel that I am definitely less emotional then I was 2 weeks ago. I haven't been crying as much and if anything I just get a little misty eyed/small crying tantrum and then I feel better. There is a quote from the movie swingers that saids... "Sometimes it still hurts but each day you wake up and it hurts a little bit less, then one day you wake up and doesn't hurt anymore"

 

In the last conversation we had- He did not give any false hopes. He was stoic, and when I asked are you making a good decision he said yes. BUT I don't believe him.

 

Thats the problem, to go to someone to talk to them about things- who knows what they are capable of saying, twisting, lying, etc.. How can I trust this person?

 

Thats why a part of me thinks its there job to step forward but I know him and he never will. Similar to your ex.

[SMF]

Kaia-

 

I emailed my ex yesterday to obtain a cord for my digital camera that I realized I left at his house. He ended up calling and we spoke.

 

It was very neither here nor there. I wasn't expecting much. He seems very copacetic in his decision. I didn't want to talk much but since I had burning questions, I felt it was the time and place.

1- How do you know you made the right decision? He responds with well haven't you ever made a decision and felt confident with it. I said I just don't see how that can be when its about someone else- He said that he was waiting for things in the relationship to correct itself and they weren't.

 

He said he has thought quite often about our relationship since we broke up.

 

He said he "wanted to help me get over this" I was like- please don't do me any favors or extend your services.

I told him he was a real a'hole for going about the break up like he did- and again he was like there is not a nice way to break someone's heart. I said you are right but there is a classy way.

 

I told him that I didn't think it was mature that he spoke so fervently about the future, living together if his thoughts/feelings were diminishing- I said to me it seems like you made a snap decision he said he didn't and I said well then that is worse bc you were leading me to belive one thing and you knew that you would eventually do another.

 

He said he felt his feelings were not were they should be. I guess he felt that he didn't know if he was ever going to be in love with me. I suppose. And I also said that this whole thing was a shame. I told him I felt bad for him bc he is going to wake up one day and be alone and he was like "you are probably right and it will be my loss" he said in 1-2 years he could realize he made the biggest mistake and again it would be his loss. He did say that if he realized he made a mistake/changed his mind - he would have called me.

 

He said we "could still talk" I said NO WAY. If you want to talk to me- feel free but otherwise, no thanks.

 

That was that- I just wanted to update you. It is what it is. Do i feel better- only bc I got out a lot of what I wanted to say.

[Starting Over]

smf,

 

I LOVE the playground analogy....that's exactly what it is!! Wow. The only thing that I would add is that they don't pick up their toys. They leave the playground a total disaster area and move on to a new one...and mess that one up too!!

 

I'm emotionally spent, or else I'd comment more....

 

SO

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, are you familiar with that song? I love it. It describes my situation perfectly. And your post reminded me of it! Because God/the gods/whatever know your troubles, but your ex is oblivious.

 

But it sounds to me as though you're dealing with it well. You said what needed to be said, and I think you found a little wiggle room in getting over him: his defense of the callous way he dropped you. You are correct: there is a classy way to dump someone. My ex-husband (who I divorced) dumped me while we were dating. He did it face to face, let me have my say, apologized that his decision was made, and left. Yeah, he came back later. But he was only 18 years old. He did more than these men decades older could do. Classy, and then some. We're still friends, and I respect him as a man.

 

Not to mention that, but you caught your ex in a bit of illogical nonsense. You commented on his "snap decision" which he said wasn't snap, to which you responded that if he felt that he wanted out, why was he playing "future hubby" right up to the last minute? Can't have it both ways, bub, unless you're actually identical twins.

 

You sound a little contemptuous and exasperated, and well you should. Maybe these feelings will help you move on. And like you said, you got out what you wanted to say. I don't think I'll ever have that opportunity because I am waiting for my ex to contact me. He won't. And even if he did, it would have to be face to face, because I wouldn't want him to have the opportunity to hang up on me. Hurrah for you that you got the chance!

 

And what's all this about he was "waiting for things in the relationship to correct themselves and they weren't." Are "things" supposed to correct themselves? How do they do that? Only people can correct things, and that's only if they know about them. Did he discuss these "things" with you and give you a chance to correct them? Or are you supposed to be a psychic? If you're a psychic, would you have gone out with this man in the first place? If his answer to problems is "waiting" then I suggest that the next time he has issues with someone or a situation that he go to the nearest doctor's office, sit down in the waiting room, grab a three year old copy of Better Homes and Gardens and make himself comfortable. Because that's about as effective as his current strategy.

 

The conclusion you may have drawn from this is that he takes no responsibility: not for the "things" which were wrong in your relationship, not for opening up his mealy mouth and telling you about these things, not for kissing up to you until the last moment, not for failing to inform you lo these many weeks that his feelings were diminishing, and not for the lame way that he cut you off. Apparently he needs a woman who will be perfect without any communication from him whatsoever. There are women like that: they're called centerfolds.

 

Carry on, girl. You're doing fine!

 

KM

[SMF]

Best part is that this is the 3rd time - that he wants to STILL TALK?

 

I said what are we going talk about ice cream or the latest dance craze!!!! NO idea. He must want the no strings attached conversations....

[SMF]

Kaia-

 

Do you ever think that maybe you should call your ex?

Or write him a letter?

 

That way you can just put everything to rest.

Just a suggestion.

 

I feel that there is no right or wrong. Conversations will always have "one more thing to say" or "why didn't I say that". Its a matter of accepting things. I have reached the point where I accept things are over bc I am a good person, treated him lovely and I am funny and he knows it. I had him laughing on the phone and I was just being myself. HE IS LOOKING for the intangible and he is never going to ever find it. At least I am grounded.

 

Do you feel that you have accepted your situation?

[KaiaMahina]

SMF, are you saying that this is the third time you've contacted him? If so, as my subject indicates, there are many "three strikes, you're out" laws for felons. You should apply that here as well. If he want to chat, let him work his widdle fingers to the bone punching in your phone number for a change.

 

3 is also the magic number in fairy tales. After the third time, whatever is going to happen, happens. And what happened with you is you're still exactly where you were when you started out. This should tell you something. Drop it.

 

Have I accepted my situation? I don't have any other choice. Oh, yes, I could call him or send him a letter. And one of three things may happen: he won't respond at all; he'll respond negatively; he'll respond positively. If he responds positively, what then? Will I be back in the same boat I was in when I was with him (kow towing to his bloody awful family and playing second banana to his controlling mother) because I "folded" first?

 

No. I feel that my only chance of the situation coming into line with what I can accept and be happy with is if he realizes how unfair he's been, that he has major issues to work out with his family or within himself before he can have a good relationship with a woman, and comes to me with these conclusions along with an apology and a sincere desire to begin again. Anything less than that means that I if I attempt to reconcile with him (and I don't doubt that I could convince him to do so if I wanted) would only mean a miserable life for me.

 

So why bother? I had a date with a new man last night. It wasn't great. It wasn't terrible. He's nice, he's funny. He's damn good looking! There was no SPARK. I know he's not "the one." But it's a step up and out of this hole. I missed my ex terribly. He's the one I want to be with, but he no longer wants that. Perhaps when he begins dating and feels the same empty feeling, he'll contact me. In the meantime, I'll continue looking for the right man for me. If my ex is the right man, he'll come back. If he isn't, the right man is still out there looking for me.

 

When you're stranded in the middle of the desert, all you can do is keep walking. If you lie down, you'll die without ever reaching that oasis.

[SMF]

After 16 days of no contact - I contacted him. I needed to. It wasn't 3 times.

 

We spoke. He said he would like to still talk- but I said I cannot do that now. He was like trying to help me get over things. Its really weird how little he must have been invested to get over this so quickly and want me to get over it so quickly.

 

He also commented that "all will be fine". He wants me to move on.

 

That is WONDERFUL that you went out on a date- The mere fact that you can get out there shows strong sense of self and mind. I actually had a date too- It was great but I too was thinking about my ex the ENTIRE time.