alexisc590 Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I figured it has to do with single parent dating so it might be okay! I've been dating someone for about six months now and he is everything I've been looking for. We have a great time together and things have been getting pretty serious. Enter his kids into the picture...I've tried and tried to be as nice as I possibly can to them without forcing anything, and from time to time they'll have their sweet moments, but for the most part they're rude and overly aggressive. I'll go out of my way to cook dinner, his son will say it's gross. They'll make demands without so much as a please or thank you. His daughter (5 years old) will poke and hit me and one day tried to rip my necklace off. His son (7 years old) beats up on my son (5 years old) and gets no more than a "don't do that" from his father...there are no consequences for his actions. He'll threaten to discipline him "if he does it again," but when he does, his father doesn't follow through with a punishment. It doesn't help that their mother is psychotic...really, the first time I met her she didn't say so much as hello, she stormed right up to me and threatened me to stay away from her kids...in front of my son. She made a huge scene in a public place and said her kids didn't like me and I should stay away. She coaches them to say mean things and fills their heads with lies. And she's been divorced from my boyfriend for almost 3 years now! I just don't know what to do. I really like my boyfriend, but it's gotten to the point where I dread having his kids around. I thought it would be a good situation for my son, as he's an only child and I figured he'd have kids close to his age to play with, but they treat him as their punching bag. Can this relationship be salvaged? Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel about his kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexisc590 Posted November 6, 2012 Author Share Posted November 6, 2012 have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel about his kids? Not really...he's asked if my son liked them and I told him that he did, but they're a little aggressive with him sometimes. He just kind of shrugs it off and blames their behaviour on his ex, which I can see is where they get it from, and he'll tell them to be nice, but he's not firm enough with them and doesn't give them any consequences for their actions. Not that I'm a perfect parent by any means, but if my son pulled some of the stuff they pulled even once, he would be disciplined immediately. And some of the stuff they do...I can't imagine my son would even try! Like hitting an adult?! Link to post Share on other sites
CarboniteCammy Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 I would maybe think, and I'm the mom of a four month old so I haven't had to deal with any of the naughty stuff yet, that you might want to talk to him about being a unified front when it comes to the kids. Establish what behavior is permissable and what behavior is not, and then work towards enforcing it equally. It's helpful to say, "Well, if he bites, that's a time out," so that each behavior has a punishment that's already established. I think that couples can work through anything if they want to, but both want to and it requires open communication. Both have to be on the same page and have the same goal in mind. If you are unequally yolked for whatever reason, there's more of a chance of splitting due to the dichotomy in the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Can this relationship be salvaged?No. It can't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 You have a right to expect good behaviour in your home, however your BF has to back you up, and it its different to what is expected from them at their mothers (and indeed if the mother and father don't even agree on how to parent) then you are always going to be banging your head against a brick wall. If the mother has no respect for you, her kids will pick up on that and neither will they, so its going to be a losing battle for you. Parenting is hard work without all the extra stress of a blended family. And his baggage is here to stay- can you handle it if things don't improve? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 The psycho ex might be an issue, but your bigger issue is how your BF parents his children. Yes. He is afraid of alienating his kids, but he is running the risk of alienating you (and possibly any future GFs if you reach the point of dumping him) and getting stuck for the rest of his life with bullying brats. This is not healthy for your kid, for your R, for his R with his kids, or for his kids. Have you suggested family counselling for him and his kids, where they can deal with their unresolved aggression at the split, and learn some constructive ways of dealing with stuff? And, perhaps, some parenting classes for him to teach him how to set boundaries for his kids and keep them to those with real consequences (as well as rewards for keeping them)? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 I have been in a similar position with my Hubby's evil ex wife. In the end I banned the children from the house because they would not behave. There was no hitting though. I came to the conclusion that my Husband had to build up the relationship with his children on his own because the ex was not going to stop her terror campaign. So he would take them out when it was his weekend and then return them to their mother. Eventually they were as good as gold, essentially because she wanted time to have sex with random men and so needed them to stop over at our place. I did ban them for a very long time though.. Draw a line in the sand. If boundaries are crossed move on. OP, life is very very short to be doing with all that nonsense. Take care, Eve x 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SlevinKalebra Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 590- Been there and tried to make it work out. The end result was catastrophic (can't think of a stronger adjective if you know one feel free to swap it). As ususal golden advice from Eve "OP, life is very very short to be doing with all that nonsense." Situations like this very rarely simmer down, usually they build up and explode damaging you and your son in the process. Sorry I don't have more positive advice for you. Just my opinion... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 In the end, if your BF doesnt want to change the situation, you wont be able to. If he doesnt want to discipline the kids and tell his ex to cut the psycho behavior (which could be due to him moving on and she didnt) This wont be able to change. But I like Eves idea. If his kids cant behave, you only have him over when he doesnt have them. But if he doesnt want to put his foot down with his ex, this situation isnt going to change. It will probably take a couple more breakups before he realizes that he will be alone if he doesnt put a stop to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I figured it has to do with single parent dating so it might be okay! I've been dating someone for about six months now and he is everything I've been looking for. We have a great time together and things have been getting pretty serious. Enter his kids into the picture...I've tried and tried to be as nice as I possibly can to them without forcing anything, and from time to time they'll have their sweet moments, but for the most part they're rude and overly aggressive. I'll go out of my way to cook dinner, his son will say it's gross. They'll make demands without so much as a please or thank you. His daughter (5 years old) will poke and hit me and one day tried to rip my necklace off. His son (7 years old) beats up on my son (5 years old) and gets no more than a "don't do that" from his father...there are no consequences for his actions. He'll threaten to discipline him "if he does it again," but when he does, his father doesn't follow through with a punishment. It doesn't help that their mother is psychotic...really, the first time I met her she didn't say so much as hello, she stormed right up to me and threatened me to stay away from her kids...in front of my son. She made a huge scene in a public place and said her kids didn't like me and I should stay away. She coaches them to say mean things and fills their heads with lies. And she's been divorced from my boyfriend for almost 3 years now! I just don't know what to do. I really like my boyfriend, but it's gotten to the point where I dread having his kids around. I thought it would be a good situation for my son, as he's an only child and I figured he'd have kids close to his age to play with, but they treat him as their punching bag. Can this relationship be salvaged? If your boyfriend sees nothing wrong with this and has not put his foot down and has allowed both his ex and his children to be rude to you, no, I'd say it isn't salvageable. I cannot fathom allowing my kids (if I had them) to be rude to anyone period and I have had boyfriends with kids and they ensure that their kid is nothing but respectful. So the fact that your ex seems oblivious about this says a lot. Think about how it will affect your child as well....it's not just about you loving your boyfriend. Can you really do more years of this? Won't it drive you insane and hurt your child? It's not an easy decision, but the reality is, is your boyfriend actually everything you want, when in this important area he seems to lack certain skills and seems oblivious to people disrespecting you. Have you brought this up to him? If not, you should address it and see what he says. See if he tries to change things, or acts like he doesn't see what you're saying, or simply expects you to deal with it. That will tell you A LOT! Edited November 15, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 (edited) Think about how it will affect your child as well....it's not just about you loving your boyfriend. Precisely! **** that for a laugh.. home is supposed to be a safe base. The only one hitting my kids, is me.. well, obviously spanking, not hitting as in hitting hitting. OP, you should put your children first. Your partner clearly is being permitted to put his children first in this dysfunctional way. Your kids may end up hating you for this one day if you do not do anything about it. On a dark note, be careful if you have a girl and your partner has male children. Can't tell you how many sexual abuse cases I have dealt with where the dynamic you have outlined suddenly shifts to more sinister things as the children get older. You must not look at them as just being your kids. Think about how this is effecting them. Seriously girl.. I wouldn't put up with that at all. Take care, Eve x Edited November 16, 2012 by Eve 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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