Involved with two men and don't know who to choose

[kamlo]

So, I am not involved with a committed partner, I am the "committed partner." I feel completely lost and desperately need advice on my situation, but I know there aren't many places I can get it without judgment so I am hoping there will be some understanding people in this forum that can help me out!

 

A little background, I'm a single mom to a little girl. I started dating my boyfriend when my daughter was just a baby, and we've been together over 5 years now. Our relationship has always been filled with passion, both good and bad. I feel like we get each other like no one else and he can be very sweet and thoughtful, doing little things to show me he cares and putting my needs before his.

 

But there's a dark side to him that has been very hard to deal with. He has a terrible temper, and while he's never laid a hand on me, he will get irrationally angry over minuscule things and say mean things just for the purpose of hurting my feelings. He's also emotionally immature, and our relationship has not progressed the way it should have after so long as it's almost like he's scared of dealing with real life. Ie. he lives at home, has taken his time deciding his career path, no real steps towards marriage or even living together for that matter. All things that I want! I've also busted him in some pretty major lies and I hate questioning whether he's being truthful or not.

 

I was fed up, but I'm not the kind to just walk away. I'll admit I like the security of a relationship, besides I'm at the point in my life where I want marriage, more kids, etc. I figured if I met some incredible man I'd just end it and move on.

 

Well I met that incredible man, who fit everything I've wanted to a T. I thought I'd go out with him a few times and decide from there, and actually told my boyfriend I wanted to take a "break" so I could figure out how I felt about our relationship...but now I'm in over my head.

 

My boyfriend and I have not had a normal relationship since that point, ie. we'll talk and see each other on occasion, but it's usually to talk about the relationship and sort through our issues. On the other hand, I've been dating this new guy and getting to know him, and he's getting serious quickly.

 

He told me he's in love with me, and is talking about us moving in together. This is what I wanted, and he's what I wanted, and I could see myself falling for him, so why am I so reluctant to just end things for good with guy #1 and move on?

 

I know part of it has to do with guy #2's family situation, in that he has a daughter who is close to my daughter's age but she is incredibly difficult. I thought again, it would be the perfect situation for my daughter since she is an only child, but his daughter is just plain mean to mine and to me for that matter. My daughter will ask about his and want to get together to play, but she says she doesn't like it when she's mean to her. He's quite lax with his parenting, since he doesn't see her all that often and doesn't want to be the "bad guy," but also, her mother is a piece of work and feeds her lies about us. She's told me flat out she doesn't want me in her daughter's life and has told her daughter that she shouldn't be around us.

 

The other part has to do with guy #1, and my attachment to him. He says he misses my daughter and I and will do anything it takes to make it work with us, including counselling, moving out and making the changes I've been asking him to make for years. And truthfully, I miss "us," and can't imagine not having him in my life at all anymore...but I don't know if he's truly had a wake-up call or if he'll revert back to his old ways as soon as he gets comfortable again.

 

I am consumed by this, really it's all I can think about as I don't know which path is the right one to take. My daughter is now mixed up in this mess (although she doesn't know I'm "dating" guy #2, just that her dad and I are friends and they've had a few playdates) and I just want to do what's best for her. I'm at the point where I want to settle down, have more kids, etc. and I have two guys in front of me who I care a lot for, but I'm at a loss for what to do. Somehow I ended up on this rollercoaster and before I knew it, it was out of control.

 

Sorry for the saga, just a complicated situation to explain!

[coffeebean201]

Congrats on being so social and serious about building a family for you and your child.

 

Keep talking about the choices until you find the right decision for yourself.

[River Rain]

What I learned the hard way is that people will say that they will do whatever it takes to make things work...but they don't back up their actions. Obviously you have a deep attachment to guy #1, he has to prove to you that he's going to step up. Objectively speaking...I would see guy #2 as a bit of a rebound in a way, he's treating you the way that you wanted guy #1 to treat you but you still long for guy #1.

 

Why don't you take some time off from both of them, let guy #1 prove to you that he means what he says, then decide from there.

[veryhappy]

With the limited info you gave here, guy #2.

 

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. Let us know the conclusion.

[ThatJustHappened]

I agree with River Rain. I think you should take some time away from both of them for a while.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with River Rain. I think you should take some time away from both of them for a while.

 

Neither one of them seem like great long-term prospects. Maybe you should try door #3, OP.

[kamlo]

With the limited info you gave here, guy #2.

 

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. Let us know the conclusion.

 

Thank you--just put it on reserve at the library! Looks like a great book, hopefully it will help me get some insight as I've been torturing myself with this for months now! I'm just scared to make the wrong choice and want the best possible situation for my daughter and I.

[mercy]

Neither one of them seem like great long-term prospects. Maybe you should try door #3, OP.

 

Door number three would be a beautiful choice for you and your daughter.

[Artie Lang]

i agree. neither of these men are a "good fit" for your situation, at the moment.

 

at least you have your daughters' well-being in mind.

 

i'm guessing his daughter is a bit jealous of her fathers' attention being shifted between other people- understandable. maybe with more time this could be fixed.

[Scarlett5]

Are you afraid to not have a man in your life? If so, maybe that's something you should work on. Being single definitely seems the best option here - for both you and your daughter.

 

Don't forget, your daughter will be constantly learning from the relationship between you and her father.

[Owl]

Neither one of them seem like great long-term prospects. Maybe you should try door #3, OP.

 

Didn't read past this, since this completely summed up my own thoughts on this situation.

 

I say you should officially end things with both guys. Neither sound like the person you want to be with long term.

 

Keeping either in your life will likely prevent you from finding someone who IS the right guy.

[sweetkiwi]

the first guy won't commit and has anger issues. The second guy wants to move in but is a crappy father. Neither are right for you.

[whichwayisup]

It really is unhealthy to pop out of one relationship and right into another one, especially when you have a child to think of, as this isn't just your life it affects, it affects her too.

 

Not judging you, but maybe taking a break from ALL men so you can be on your own, become independant and grow a bit without relying or having a man around in your life. Make your focus your daughter and bonding with your women friends and family.

 

After 5 years together, don't you and your boyfriend want to fix things? Do couples therapy and try to salvage what is left? Seems there is love there, passion too, but life has gotten in the way and he needs to also learn how to cope with his anger in a more positive and constructive way.

 

Forget the new guy. He isn't right for you in the long run, let alone someone good for your daughter to be around.

[veryhappy]

The first guy has anger issues, and hasn't delivered anything for years. Someone who will deliver only under feeling threatened, or just promise and not even follow through( because we don't know if he'll actually do what he says he wants to do) won't behave any differently after the threat is gone.

 

The second guy seems to be more of a ex-wife problem than soemthing being wrong with him, so if that would get better, the rest seems okay.

 

I do not understand why anyone would advise that she puts more time and energy into the first relationship.

[Pierre]

OP needs to take a break from men and be alone. She needs to concentrate on her daughter and not expose her to all the dysfunction of adults. I also believe OP may have a faulty "man picker unit". Lets not forget she also picked the kid's dad.

[alexandria35]

FYI - don't go into a relationship with #2 thinking YOU can change his daughter or his ex wife. He is SHOWING you the dynamics of the situation...see it for what it is. If you think its bad now with him and the ex, etc... just wait. You haven't seen anything yet. Sounds like he is a pushover who lets his ex dictate his life and he hasn't learned about BOUNDARIES.

 

I agree with the others....door #3. Be alone. You don't NEED a man to fix your life or to be happy. Show your daughter what a strong, independent woman looks like. You are her role model... remember she is learning about relationships through you.

 

Agreed! You can't change guy #1 either. I've dealt with the guy with an irrational temper and I can tell you it's way worse when you live with someone like that and it's something they can't change on their own. Counselling is a must for someone with rage issues. I found my ex's temper very intimitading and hurtful although he never laid a hand on me and I'm sure it's even more scary for a child so he is not a good pick for you and your daughter. Guy # 2 apparently lets his ex and his daughter walk all over him and that's not going to change anytime soon either and while it may seem like a minor problem now it would put huge stress on your relationship later, especially since you have a daughter of your own.

 

Move on from both guys and create your own happiness while staying open to the possibility of meeting someone right for you and your child.

[kamlo]

And who she ditched very soon after daughter's birth according to her post.

 

I vote for fixing your man picker.

 

That's pretty rude, as is Pierre's response. Maybe my "man picker" needs some fine tuning but I didn't "ditch" anyone, I left a very bad situation.

 

Thanks to those who provided some useful insights!

[Artie Lang]

btw kamlo, why are you posting on this board(OW/OM)?

 

you're not cheating on anyone; you're separated. correct?

 

if you ask me, you're seeking relationship advice.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Pierre]

Maybe my "man picker" needs some fine tuning but I didn't "ditch" anyone, I left a very bad situation.

 

Thanks to those who provided some useful insights!

 

The problem is your "man picker unit". Sorry, if you think that is rude. You should consider being single for a while and shelter your daughter from dysfunctional adult relationships.