My bf of 1 1/2 years is buying me a bike to show he's committed - I want a ring!

[InLove13]

Hi -

 

My boyfriend of over a year and a half is getting me a bike for my b-day. This is a very sweet and thoughtful gift, but I thought I would be getting a ring. I talked with him, and said he should save his money for something in our future, to which he replied, "I'm not ready to get married, doesn't giving you a bike show you I want to be with you for a long time?"

 

I was completely crushed. He always talks about getting married, but when it comes down to it, he claims he isn't ready. This is confusing and hurts. Does anyone have any advice????

[Moose]

Be patient. You wouldn't want to marry someone who isn't sure he's ready would you? Yes the bike was a nice gesture, but did he give you any clues that he was actually going to buy you a ring? Whatever you do, don't force him to make a decision he isn't sure about. It'll only come back to bite you.

[YellowLioness]

Hey, at least he got you SOMETHING... :-)

 

Well, it's like the wise and venerable Moose has stated,

don't force him to make a decision he isn't sure about. It'll only come back to bite you.

I'm sure he cares for you, and he probably wanted to show you that he was serious about you, even though he is terrified of commitment.

[Mr Spock]

Pull up your socks and stop being so crushed!! He's not ready to get married yet. Honest, and if you don't want a bike pick what you want and tell him.

[InLove13]

Thanks for the advice...It is just hard not to be frustrated when he talks about getting married, takes me ring shopping, then tells me he's not ready....ugh. But I will hang in there until he figures out what he wants!

[Moose]

That's just mean. Tell him not to take you out ring shopping unless he's serious......shame on him!!!!

[InLove13]

Yeah a little harsh. But I think he is just freaking out or something. We both have our own places, however he hasn't lived at his place for 6 mos, he lives with me, but pays rent at his place (weird I know). I am moving out this month, and he is getting a place with his buddies - I am a little nervous about that whole situation - maybe this has something to do with things???

[Moose]

Well, it could very well be. Where are you moving to? Are his friends a little rowdy or is that the understatement of the year? It really depends on the situation.

[InLove13]

Well, I am moving back in with my parents...ugh. To save money. We were going to live together - something that he wanted to do also, but that never went anywhere because he is afraid of what his parents would think. His friends are wild, I don't mind it - I am wild too , but they are all bachelors, and I just hope they don't put anything stupid in his head that will affect us. I would hope we are stronger than that.

[Mr Spock]

Well that is teasing-the ring shopping-but you should live together for a while before even contemplating engagement IMHO.

[Artifact]

bicycle or motorcycle?

[InLove13]

Bicycle.

[Ophelia971]

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I really don't know what to say about all of this, except that I feel your pain I've been with my "now fiance" for nearly 2 years. We got engaged last December and although we talk about kids, our wedding, our future house etc, we have no wedding date! Aghhh. It's been 8 months now. He graduated from college last year and says he wants a job in his field so he can offer me stability as a husband. Which is sweet sounding but I feel like I'm waiting forever and at times have doubts.

 

ANYWAY.....

 

Before I got my ring, I felt just like how you feel now. Like maybe there's something missing because why else would he be so into engagement and YOU and not propose...?

 

When somebody's not "ready" and you know you definitely are, so sure that you have the whole wedding planned in your head, it's tough. I wish there was awesome advice I could give you to make everything all better, but no one can do that but you. Either you can sit him down and talk to him seriously one-on-one about where the two of you are really going, or go away for a weekend by yourself and find out what you really want. Do you want to either wait around for him to be ready for the big commitment because you know he's the one, or do you want to go out and find someone who's as serious as you about marriage and live the life you're ready to live.

 

It's so easy to type this stuff, but it really is stressful stuff....let alone, painful too.

 

In the meantime I hope you feel better!!!!!

[InLove13]

Ophelia -

 

Thanks for your understanding, it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one going through this. I just keep thinking that if I am ready and know he is the one, and he says that I am too, then what the heck is wrong with wanting to get married.

 

I have tried to sit down and talk to him and he just says that I only want to get married because my friends are. To which I reply that I have never wanted to get married to anyone until I met him, and he make me believe that he wants to also because of how he talks. That should tell him something. SO then he just tells me that I should just be patient and wait until he's ready - in the future. I asked him if he thought he would ever be ready to marry ME or if I am really even right for him. I just don't understand - you either know or you don't (at least that is how I am...) I hate that one day he tells me that we should go to Vegas, or he wishes he could just propose, and then the next he tells me that he isn't ready.....it makes me want to scream.

 

I love him and I think he is a wonderful guy - I have never dated someone so sweet. It just hurts and is confusing. I just don't know anymore. I just feel like I am pulling away from him so I don't get my heart broken.

[batitm]

In Love. . .My situation is so similar to your own that I almost felt like I wrote this post. The only difference is I live with my bf, (this is probably not helping my situation at all), and he bought a dresser instead of a bike. Yeah it was expensive and he only bought it because it matches the set that I already had but comeon like that is supposed to convince me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Everytime I mention getting married he tells me don't worry I'm not going to leave you. Well good, great, fine! But I want to tell him if you don't propose quick I'm going to leave YOU! Hang in there girl and check out my post "Bad Fight" in the transitioning, marriage forum