My Wife Cheated On Me with my best friend

[angryboy]

I was married last year October. I was very sure that she will be only one for my life. We had been dating for 6 years and we lived for 2 years before we got married. Past 3 months, I have noticed my marriage was falling apart. I didn't know exactly what went wrong, but I thought it was stress. She and I bought an house, built new business, and got married within one year. So I thought the stress was making her go crazy.

 

One day in June of this years, she told me she wants to divorce.. It was so shocking to me and I couldn't believe it! It was not in six months into this marriage. And I thought we were just having personality differences but she told me she has been dealing with this problem for long time... She said she can't take care of me any more and she stated that I was lazy, not helpful, not capable, and etc..... I was so shocked I couldn't understand why she wants to leave me. I told her I could change... I could be better husband... and she cried and said that she will never come back even if I become the perfect husband.... She said she gave me too much chances.....

 

I told her I would like to try marraige counseling and she said there was no more point of trying to save our relationship anymore... but I had her convinced somehow and she agree to go counseling... It was three day straight sessions.. and for first two days she was telling me how bad I am.... Not opening the doors for her, not dress well, not helping her out at home etc.... I thought it would be very easy and we can get back together because those were the things that I could change easily anyways.... but at the end of the second day... she said, "Well I kind of feel bad that I talked to his best friend our relationship..... I guess I should talk to my husband about what our problem is...." so I told her at the end of session to her, "Hey, it's O.K. Everyone needs to talk about their problem, I am sure talking to John helped you feel better." She didn't say anything...

 

Well, third day was when the hell broke loose. She started to finallyconfess about her sexual relationship with one of my best friend John.... I felt my heart broken into pieces and felt like the world was ending right in front of my eyes. The worst thing is that the counselor made her confess how many times they had sex, where, and how... I had to sit down there and hear all that crap. They had first sex in my bed and my home..... My shattered Dreams.

 

I still was stupid enough to love her. I was being friendly to her and try to treat her nice so she would come back...As I was coming back from counseling in airplane, I was watching movie and in that movie there was part where two people were having sex in the car.. and it triggered my memory that I heard from counseling that my wife and my best friend had sex in the car... and I started to have anxiety attack... As soon as airplane landed, I was running for outside because I wanted to grab air... and when I got outside, she asked me, "All our friends are going to club tonight and Can I go?" I thought she was nuts that when I was having anxiety attack she wanted to have party and I knew John was going to be there... I thought it was most horrible thing that she did... and she didn't seems to care how I feel...

 

After all this.... I kept my mouth shut for two weeks and finally one day she tells me, "I was thinking it will be good for us if John can work with us in our business." That was it...for me....I realized that she was not trying to leave me but she was trying to kill me...so I told her, " you know you are trying to kill me, I am a human being.. You had sex with my best friend and now you want me to work with him?...

 

I started to talk to my friends about what happened, and my friends were shocking and wondering how I could kept my mouth shut for two weeks... and I also found out that my wife was telling all my friends that "My husband is going crazy, he think I am having affair with John, how dare he think like that? John is his best friend." All my friends stop called me because they think I was nuts... but when I told them truth.. they knew it was truth because some of my friends saw them together shopping...

 

Now I told John's wife about it and she kind of suspected something was going on...Well there is hell of more for my story but I end up happening right now is that John just told my wife he wants to work on his marriage and he doesn't want to ever see her again, and she broke down into tears.....

 

I don't know what's going to happen between me and my wife but I think divorcing her and move on with my life is best choice for me at this point but I can't help it that I still has feeling for her... It is sad.....

 

So my question is, what shall I do? Move on with my life and divorce her ASAP or have some time to think about all this for while... Any responses?

[FolderWife]

OH MY GOD!!!!!!! How could your "wife" *and I use that term loosely* be so selfish!?!?

 

I think it would be best for you to get away from your wife. She absolutely doesn't care that she's cheated on you. She wanted to leave you for him. YOUR "BEST FRIEND" *another term I use loosely* Good grief. With those two as friends, who needs enemies?

 

This would probably be better suited to the CHEATING, FLIRTING, JEALOUSY forum. My biggest problem is my husband's porn addiction...and that almost made me leave

 

I couldn't imagine what you're going through

[TempSain]

DTB!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your trust is now broken

you cant get that back from her.

 

She broke 2 very important rules:

1. dont cheat on your husband

2. dont cheat on your husband with his best friend.

 

My goodness!

She will want to get back with you now.

You cannot give in.

It will be tough as hell because you still love her but in all truthfulness, it will only be a ploy to get her stability back.

 

Run man run!

[Moose]

Well, I'm one of those weirdos that don't believe in divorce. Everybody is human, therefore, we all make mistakes.

 

It's rough what you're going through. It's going to be very hard for you to trust her again. And it sounds like to me she lacks respect for you. Have you done something in the past that would cause her to neglect and have total diregard for you feelings?

 

It's hard for you to communicat to her how much she's hurt you. You can probably tell her how much until you're blue in the face, but she won't hear it.

 

The first thing to do, is find out the WHY, why did she cheat? Then work on that problem and find ways to repair it and to avoid it. Then get some counceling, or visa versa. If you still love her, and if she thinks she can work these things out, then you'll need face to face counceling.

 

I'm pained by what you are going through.....we're here if you need to talk.

[Fritz]

Well my gut response would be to divorce and get the hell away from her and your so called "friend" before I did something I'd regret. Thats just insane man. Get yourself some medical help (anti depressants or anxiety stuff) and counseling for yourself to help with this. You might check out <URL removed> for info, even if you are seriously thinking of divorce. Don't do anything rash, take your time to work things out with your feelings and protect yourself financially as well.

 

Not surprising that your "buddy" wants to work on his marriage now. Of course he does, they got caught.

 

Take care.

[havNfun]

Well, I'm one of those weirdos that don't believe in divorce. Everybody is human, therefore, we all make mistakes.

 

BS

 

Don't do anything rash,

 

I would recommend otherwise.

 

 

of all the selfish, unfaithful, sluty, heartless, and mean women I have heard about or met,

your so called wife wins the grand prize, takes the cake, is a gold medalist!!

 

She is evil and trash my friend -

my advice would be to get the best lawyer you can afford

and mainly to never utter one word to her, nor ever glance in her direction again.

 

I would recommend worse if it were legal!!

 

wow

[supermom]

IMHO the only reason she may be willing to work on your marriage is because your ex best friend dumped her.

 

Plus, I wonder who else your ex best friend slept with. When you sleep with her, you will be "sleeping" with everyone your wife slept with , including your ex best friend and any partners hes had.

 

Tell your wife to go to Hell and leave you in peace.

 

You're hurt now, but you will get over it.

 

Dump her and dump her hard!

 

She sucks

 

You deserve better than this, everyone does.

 

WTF did she get married for anyway?

[havNfun]

Tell your wife to go to Hell and leave you in peace.

 

 

AMENNNNNN AND hallalulia (can't spell that)!!!

 

EXACTLY.

 

dump her like holiday trash.

 

and this "friend" of yours.

 

Well I would handle him in a different way.

But shall not share that advice.

[Moose]

Well, it's clear you didn't really read his post. How would you like it if someone you don't even know calls the one you love trash, Sl*t, Bit$h and so forth. How would you feel if you made a stupid mistake and your SO treats you like this?

 

You don't know this woman. Maybe some of the thing he says she did isn't at harsh as it seems. Unless you know the full story, fighting for the marriage is better than just telling her to take a hike.

 

If she's this evil woman and doesn't have a heart, then trying to turn her would be frugal. But she's shown that when this best friend dumped her, she cried. Don't you think that she feels used? Maybe she'll see that what she fell into was the worst thing that could happen to her. Don't you think the first thing she needs is a forgiving heart and a second chance?

 

It doesn't surprise me that most take marriage so lightly that divorce, divorce, divorce is the first thing out of ones mouth. Did you know, that just by me saying divorce that three times, if my wife and I were muslim, we would lterally be divorced. See how easy it's become??

 

No, who was it that said BS to me?????

[Jacksin]

I totally agree with havNfun and Supermom.

 

Get rid of this bi*ch. She doesnt respect you, she has lied through her teeth and if it were not for the counselor she woiuldnt have admitted to her slu*ish ways with your best mate. I would warn him to keep his distance, should you decide to alter his facial appearance!

 

I cant see how Moose can be so forgiving, because there are some things that simply cant be over looked or forgiven and this selfish sl*t has done all of them

 

I believe Americans have an expression "kick her to the curb" and I suggest you do this without a second glance

Jack

[smallthings]

I have just been through exactly the same thing - with my wife insisting that the bf comes to the house all the time - however I found that patience was the thing - he eventually overplayed his hand - wont go into it here - she has regretted the whole thing since and we have started to get it together again -

 

you have to make up your mind whether it is worth trying again - do you want to be with her or not - would it be better starting again with someone else - etc.

 

Your decision - - -

 

I have found it difficult (excedingling so) and now go to councelling - strange - my wife said exactly the same things to me as your wife said to you - (and I know they are not true for me) -

 

My conclusion was she was trying to rationalise why she was having an affair - and it is possibly the same for you - affairs happen, they can somtimes strengthen a relationship - (obviously at other times they do not)

[Craig]

What your wife did is just plain evil.

 

She

 

* Cheated on you and violated your trust of her.

* Cheated on you with your best friend and that seems like an aggressive and destructive act toward you.

* Lied to you about her affair and stated that her reason for wanting a divorce was you.

* Defamed your character when she started telling your friends you are crazy. Some of your friends started not having contact with you and you became more isolated.

* Further aggravated your anxiety regarding your marriage by wanting John to work in your business. Was this her idea of how to cause you even more grief and anxiety?

* Broke down in tears when John said he didn't want to see her any more so does she still have feelings for John? Or is she feeling used? Or is she sad that you told John's wife and ruined her plans? Or something else.

* Had no respect for your marriage or for your best friends marriage.

 

Your wife didn't just have passionate sex with your best friend John she had a long term plan that included divorcing you and ruining your reputation with your friends.

 

Why would she want John to work in your business? Was she setting things up to force you out of the business so she and John could be together and reap the rewards of your hard work?

 

You know how difficult it was to get her to admit to the affair. How can you ever be confident that she is telling you the truth in the future.

 

Is your wife going to tell your friends that you were not crazy and that she was having an affair?

[havNfun]

Don't you think the first thing she needs is a forgiving heart and a second chance?

 

Well, it's clear you didn't really read his post. How would you like it if someone you don't even know calls the one you love trash, Sl*t, Bit$h and so forth. How would you feel if you made a stupid mistake and your SO treats you like this

?

 

I am sorry you didn't agree with my perspective on this. I respect your view though and gave it some thought.

As far as what she needs - I think she needs a kick out the door.

forgiving hearts and second chances are for wives that don't behave like that.

Sure, perhaps I don't know everything that is going on with this situation,

but obviously I can only respond and advise to what the OP has explained to us.

 

Would I want someone calling my wife a slut or "trash?"

if she behaved like that, YOU BET I WOULD!!!

 

I am not heartless. But based on what we have heard about this situation,

let the punishment fit the crime. Like I said in my previous post,

if this story is remotely accurate, this is the worst treatment I have heard of coming from a wife.

 

I am sorry I cannot be more forgiving and accepting of people that hurt others and continue to do so.

[Moose]

havnfun,

 

Don't worry about it. I tend to look for the good in every situation, and that has gotten me burned a lot of times.

 

Would it make you feel better if I told you that the only person I gave up on was my Sister. She's not fit to be a wife or a mother. Even my wife and I fought for her husband to get custody of her 2 girls. Sad, huh? But I knew the whole story and knew she was hopeless.

[wideawake]

angryboy,

 

It's time to grow up and become an angryman.

 

She's trash, and if you give her another chance she'll screw you over twice as hard. You already came to the realization that she's trying to do you harm. "she's trying to kill me, not divorce me".

 

Kick her crazy evil ass to the curb.

 

But first...Get the very best lawyer you can afford. A real S.O.B. that will put the screws to her.

 

Jeez bro, sounds like you deserve to have a good life with a person that will support and love you.

 

Not get pissed, get angry and get going on finding that lawyer.

 

Peace,

 

WA

[angryboy]

Thank you very much for your responses...... Well, today one of my friends told me that my wife is very upset that John(her lover) wants to go back to his wife... I am like, "Oh, my god! she is helpless." Well, at this point, I pretty much want to divorce her. And of course, I learned a lot and I know I have some fault in my relationship... I could have been a lot better husband but it doesn't mean that she can go and have sex with my friend....

 

By the way, she didn't tell her parents the truth.. she told her parents that I am going nuts and I am making up story.

[angryboy]

Well, first of all that She never asked for forgiveness from me... So how can I forgive her? She cried because John left her, not because she felt she is used... How do I know? Because she told my friend that she doesn't understand why John went back to his wife..... She said, "You know everything will not be same again after this, why John go back to her? she doesn't treat him right."

 

In my opinion, she think that John should marry her because she is "the better wife". As far as I see, John's wife might not be pretty, not good cook or capable business women but she is very loyal and understanding. Most of all, she kept her intergrity during all this. She is ten times women than my wife ever will be...

 

You know my wife is very materialistic she likes good cars, brand name clothes, and nice jewelry. She think she is better women because she is pretty, good cook and she makes more money. You know if I am some guy on the street, I would love to have sex with her but I would never marry her if I know the whole story.

 

I know I need to move on, but it is very hard. Because I am not the person who can just abandon someone like what my wife did to me..... I am very caring... That's why it's hard for me.....Sometimes, I think I might not make this.... but I know I will try... Everyday is real difficult. I lost 18lb in 5 weeks... i look good at least.... but sometimes I feel like I have heart pain.

 

My wife doesn't deserve me... she doesn't deserve second chance...( I already gave her second chance) First of all, she still doens't want to come back... Second... She never said she was sorry that she betrayed me...

[wideawake]

Where are we on that lawyer bro?

[Moose]

Angryboy,

 

Hearing more about your story, I guess it's best in this situation to go ahead and start the divorce. ( Never thought I'd say that ), but make sure that you document, document, document.

 

I would even break all ties with John, and the other, "Freinds", that knew and let you walk around oblivous to the situation.

 

I wish you luck and happines in the future.

 

Moose

[Skip]

I have to say that the same thing happened to me 9 years ago. My wife of 5 year at the time started sleeping with my best friend. Here is my advice:

 

Run and never look back. It is OVER. The sooner you realize it the sooner you can move on. Never look back because your trust is completly shattered and nothing can fix that no matter what. If a man cheats it's mainly for sex but if a women cheats she gets attached. Move on quickly so the pain will go..

[Angryboy]

Well, after long weeks I finally decided to lose her ASAP... I lost 22lb over 6 weeks...... I don't know it's good thing or either that I am dying... I am trying to get lawyer who is on my side... and of course I moved out of the house and live in the apartment... Yesterday, she told me ,"You will understand someday that why I am divorceing you." what a bi*ch! Worst thing is that I can't leave my business... what that means that I need to stay in this building for 3 more years for my business before I can leave...

[supermom]

If a man cheats it's mainly for sex but if a women cheats she gets attached. Move on quickly so the pain will go..

 

Very true..Women are more emotional, men are more physical.

 

Good luck to you Angryboy, someday you can change your name to HappyMan

 

You will be happier not having that cheating leach of a tbxw on your hands. I would never speak to the "best friend" ever again either.

 

good luck to you..you made the right choice IMHO.

[curdt]

Originally posted by angryboy

I was married last year October. I was very sure that she will be only one for my life. We had been dating for 6 years and we lived for 2 years before we got married. Past 3 months, I have noticed my marriage was falling apart. I didn't know exactly what went wrong, but I thought it was stress. She and I bought an house, built new business, and got married within one year. So I thought the stress was making her go crazy.

 

One day in June of this years, she told me she wants to divorce.. It was so shocking to me and I couldn't believe it! It was not in six months into this marriage. And I thought we were just having personality differences but she told me she has been dealing with this problem for long time... She said she can't take care of me any more and she stated that I was lazy, not helpful, not capable, and etc..... I was so shocked I couldn't understand why she wants to leave me. I told her I could change... I could be better husband... and she cried and said that she will never come back even if I become the perfect husband.... She said she gave me too much chances.....

 

I told her I would like to try marraige counseling and she said there was no more point of trying to save our relationship anymore... but I had her convinced somehow and she agree to go counseling... It was three day straight sessions.. and for first two days she was telling me how bad I am.... Not opening the doors for her, not dress well, not helping her out at home etc.... I thought it would be very easy and we can get back together because those were the things that I could change easily anyways.... but at the end of the second day... she said, "Well I kind of feel bad that I talked to his best friend our relationship..... I guess I should talk to my husband about what our problem is...." so I told her at the end of session to her, "Hey, it's O.K. Everyone needs to talk about their problem, I am sure talking to John helped you feel better." She didn't say anything...

 

Well, third day was when the hell broke loose. She started to finallyconfess about her sexual relationship with one of my best friend John.... I felt my heart broken into pieces and felt like the world was ending right in front of my eyes. The worst thing is that the counselor made her confess how many times they had sex, where, and how... I had to sit down there and hear all that crap. They had first sex in my bed and my home..... My shattered Dreams.

 

I still was stupid enough to love her. I was being friendly to her and try to treat her nice so she would come back...As I was coming back from counseling in airplane, I was watching movie and in that movie there was part where two people were having sex in the car.. and it triggered my memory that I heard from counseling that my wife and my best friend had sex in the car... and I started to have anxiety attack... As soon as airplane landed, I was running for outside because I wanted to grab air... and when I got outside, she asked me, "All our friends are going to club tonight and Can I go?" I thought she was nuts that when I was having anxiety attack she wanted to have party and I knew John was going to be there... I thought it was most horrible thing that she did... and she didn't seems to care how I feel...

 

After all this.... I kept my mouth shut for two weeks and finally one day she tells me, "I was thinking it will be good for us if John can work with us in our business." That was it...for me....I realized that she was not trying to leave me but she was trying to kill me...so I told her, " you know you are trying to kill me, I am a human being.. You had sex with my best friend and now you want me to work with him?...

 

I started to talk to my friends about what happened, and my friends were shocking and wondering how I could kept my mouth shut for two weeks... and I also found out that my wife was telling all my friends that "My husband is going crazy, he think I am having affair with John, how dare he think like that? John is his best friend." All my friends stop called me because they think I was nuts... but when I told them truth.. they knew it was truth because some of my friends saw them together shopping...

 

Now I told John's wife about it and she kind of suspected something was going on...Well there is hell of more for my story but I end up happening right now is that John just told my wife he wants to work on his marriage and he doesn't want to ever see her again, and she broke down into tears.....

 

I don't know what's going to happen between me and my wife but I think divorcing her and move on with my life is best choice for me at this point but I can't help it that I still has feeling for her... It is sad.....

 

So my question is, what shall I do? Move on with my life and divorce her ASAP or have some time to think about all this for while... Any responses?

[jmargel]

Angryboy,

 

You may seem like it's the end of the world for you, I know what you are going through. I went through the same exact thing. My ex-fiancee of 5 years left me for my ex-best friend of 15 years. I grew up with him, even risked my life for him. We were having problems like you were. New house, new job, added stress, etc.. Our communication broke down pretty bad. She had major family problems too. I didn't know how to deal with all of this and she didn't either.

 

This 'friend' knew the right things to say to her, and it didn't take long afterwards for her to leave. When she left, she put a lot of guilt on me, like your wife is doing to you. This is due to their immaturity to rationalize their behavior. Thing is the guilt will eventually catch upto her, it might take months or years. It took me 3 months of having no contact with her to realize that not everything was my fault and it was her action to terminate our relationship. The burden was on her shoulders. She would call a couple times during the first year, asking to be friends while still being with him. I told her no way.. It couldn't happen.

 

Three years later she showed up at my door, wanting to talk. Finally asking for forgiveness, and saying she had alot of growing up to do. During that time she married him & has a kid.

 

During those years when I was single I did ALOT of soul searching. Alot of reflecting on what I did wrong and what she did wrong. I learned quite a bit. I now find it kinda funny. I met someone new, she is totally awesome. I married her in August. Two weeks before my wedding, my ex emailed me, trying to get me to reminence about our past and then her saying 'Well maybe it's bad to reminence on the past and what should have been'. Saying I'm still special to her, etc..

 

She now knows what she lost, and you might not think that you could ever have feelings for someone else in the future, but you can. Trust me. During my breakup things were so bad, that I was suicidal. I had no hope, it was like I had blinders on and I was in this long dark tunnel, with no light at the end. I didn't look forward to anything.

 

Thing is you can't let yourself slide into a deep depression. You have to force yourself literally to keep hope up. This is very important. Your wife has alot of issues that she needs to deal with internally. Right now you need to take care of yourself. Do things to make yourself happy, do this for yourself and to show your wife the real 'you'. You are also probably going to go through the five stages of grief. Look that up. That is important. Your wife will be going through numerous emotions as well.

 

I only recommend divorce in very bad situations, such as abuse or if the SO is caught cheating with someone underage, etc.. The only other way I recommend divorce is when both parties have agreed they have exhausted ALL options, and have come to realize that they aren't compatible as a couple. Right now both of you are making decisions based on emotions, which is not good. Please continue couseling, and try to get your wife to keep going, even if it's by herself. Hang in there and write when you need to.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with the others. It's one thing to cheat on you. But she cheated with your best friend, in your home/car/wherever. Then she spread lies about you. Then she continued to put her own needs ahead of your recovery by trying to keep him in your lives.

 

She doesn't deserve you... she's an ungrateful, selfish, manipulative, dishonest waste of your time. I dealt with something very similar, except that I didn't get the heads-up one year into the marriage that you got. By the time I learned the truth, I was 7 years in, there had been rampant cheating by her, and there were two kids. It may not seem like it now, but in some ways you're one of the lucky ones.

 

She's shown who she really is, and you deserve somebody better. Drop her like a hot coal and run.