Left my abuser in a bit of a situation read

[Patientlove]

I was only 16 when we got together he was 30 we were together for 10 years. In that time he put me through a lot of mental abuse keeping me a secret meeting other women (innocently he says) refusing to meet my parents for 7 years and being emotionally distant and cruel. I was a patient person and am ashamed to say I tolerated it cried many tears and got through my degree and got a fairly good job. There was always a lingering sadness and pain. In time I grew tired of the tears and left him. He then moved heaven and earth told his religious family and I moved to be near him. He is a funny generous successful sexy man too I hasten to add. The first year was great then things took a turn. His family did not like the fact I was a White Christian they tried hard to cause many problems. He became bewitched by there intent and became very abusive mentally and physically for about two years solid. He'd ignore me for days and strangle me spit on me kick me over things that didn't make any sense. I became convinced he was having affairs or something really dark was going on. I tried to connect it was fruitless. We had some good times but the sadness and pain was there. He wouldn't talk to me about his attitude and the future of any children and religion. I read his Quran and the Bible and was disturbed by the painful similarities between the harsh injustice and insults evil of the Quran I began to emotionally detach as he became abusive and wouldn't talk about these important things. I have a nerve disorder in ny neck I was sad the day I found out and he was so annoyed by my sadness he started a fight and kicked me to the floor. The next day he got up early to get breakfast for the girls at work. To cut a long story short he changed and became kinder and more loving but still would get enraged when discussing religion or the counselling he said he'd do. So I left. It's been months now. He's got counselling. Written letters to me and my family admitting the abuse and apologising long log letters. He cries all the time he is repentant and will do everything I want including where we live etc. I have kissed another man. Someone I've known for a decade who is kind and gentle and we are so well suited but I love this first and only love of mine. Talk some sense into me.

[sweetkiwi]

you know exactly what you should do. And no matter what we say you'll do what you want. Not what you need. I hope this isn't the case. You cannot go back to him. He abused you terribly.

The only way to deal with those people is by ignoring then and moving past the pain into a better place.

[geegirl]

My father was abusive. He would beat my mother and I. My mother would leave and after time passed, he would cry, contact family members, and plead and beg for a second chance. She always went back. It would be good for awhile and then he would get into his raging fits again. They went to counseling but it never worked. Those demons would always resurface. I had the chance to get away at 18, she didn't. And I never let a man hit me after what my father did.

 

Now at 69, she cries most times and is regretful for years wasted as she never got a chance to experience a loving and nurturing relationship with a man that was completely in love with her and kissed the ground she walked on. Instead, she chose my father. She said it was "love" at the time but now she calls it stupidity.

 

If you define a man spitting on you and kicking you as love, then I would suggest you seek counseling. You don't love someone that abuses you. There is nothing to love. You're addicted to toxicity because you yourself are toxic. You are damaged and can't comprehend what a healthy relationship should be like or even know how to want it or appreciate it.

 

Good for him for seeking help. There is no guarantee he can change and it is not something you should risk. The focus should be on you in that you need to seek help for yourself. The issues don't just stem from him. You're a big part of why you believe you deserve so little and see no value in yourself.

Edited November 7, 2012 by geegirl

[LadyGrey]

There is nothing kind and gentle about what this man did to you. In fact he should be rotting in jail for taking a girl of 16 and subjecting her to that.

 

I guess you lived with it so long that you don't know what is good and what is bad and you need to google a term called trauma bonding, so you can understand what has happened to you. You need professional help so you completely detach from him and have healthy future relationships. I don't mean to insult you but you've been abused for part of your childhood and your whole adult life, you need help to understand it and deal with it, so you will NEVER go back to that evil scumbag again or get yourself into another abusive relationship.

 

Repentant or not...........should not matter to you one little iota. He is scum! It makes me furious to read stories like this, he should be in prison, and be some man's bitch for a while.

[amaysngrace]

Just because he admits to abusing you doesn't change the fact that he's an abuser.

 

If you go back to him how can you ever feel 100% safe? It's near impossible.

 

Write a list of good and bad. Give this some serious thought before you put yourself back into a situation that endangers you. And please see a counselor who specializes in abuse.

 

Find out why you became attracted to him and makes you continue to be attracted to him.

 

A woman with healthy self-esteem would be repulsed by him. So much so that she'd never think about going back to someone like him.

[Patientlove]

Thank you I feel not so alone. He has such an amazing side to him. When people meet him no matter how hard they are they immediately warm to him open up to him and are fond of him. It's hard to explain what that does to your head when you see both sides.

[geegirl]

Thank you I feel not so alone. He has such an amazing side to him. When people meet him no matter how hard they are they immediately warm to him open up to him and are fond of him. It's hard to explain what that does to your head when you see both sides.

 

When someone is "amazing", they are consistent in their actions and behaviors. They don't fluctuate from abuser to amazing.

 

He shows people what he wants them to see. They warm up because of what he portrays himself to be, not who he really is. If they saw his core, and his core is his true nature, no one will be able to attach to him. It's their need to appear normal to the outside world, to be likeable, to be valued because deep down inside, he knows what and who he is.

 

When someone spits and kicks you, trust that there is nothing about this "amazing side" that is beneficial or healthy for you.

 

His "amazing" is inconsistent, therefore unreliable. It's a mask that needs to be put on to cover that ugly side.

[freestyle]

When someone is "amazing", they are consistent in their actions and behaviors. They don't fluctuate from abuser to amazing.

 

He shows people what he wants them to see. They warm up because of what he portrays himself to be, not who he really is. If they saw his core, and his core is his true nature, no one will be able to attach to him. It's their need to appear normal to the outside world, to be likeable, to be valued because deep down inside, he knows what and who he is.

 

When someone spits and kicks you, trust that there is nothing about this "amazing side" that is beneficial or healthy for you.

 

His "amazing" is inconsistent, therefore unreliable. It's a mask that needs to be put on to cover that ugly side.

 

 

Or in a nutshell--he'll manipulate to make sure things go HIS way.

 

Patient love--I'd like to recommend that you do some reading on aggressive/abusive personalities. Dr. George Simon has some great article available on line, if you do a search.

 

Knowledge is power. (and protection)

[alexandria35]

Thank you I feel not so alone. He has such an amazing side to him. When people meet him no matter how hard they are they immediately warm to him open up to him and are fond of him. It's hard to explain what that does to your head when you see both sides.

 

I had this experience with a somewhat abusive guy (lots of emotional and verbal abuse but never hurt me physically). He was attractive, charming and charismatic and pretty much everyone liked him and thought he was a great guy. Women were attracted to him and often flirted with him and came onto him right in front of me. The weirdest thing about this was that seeing how much everyone else liked him and found him attractive made me want to keep him even though I KNEW that the person everyone loved so much wasn't who he really was! How bizarre. I still don't understand why I was influenced by that.

 

In any case, abusers always do the crying and apologizing song and dance when they feel like they have to. Some will even go to counselling for a while if it appeases the people they are trying to suck up to, but it is actually rare for an abuser to make real changes to themselves and stop being abusive. Also sometimes an abuser can appear to change by stopping certain actions but the abusive nature will still be there and will come out in other ways. My stepfather used to physically abuse my mom and he cheated on her numerous times. Several years into the marriage he became a born again Christian fanatic (no offense to most Christians, but he was loony) and he wanted to be seen as man devoted to God. He knew that cheating and hitting was abhorent behaviour for a Christian so he stopped doing those things but he was still an abusivie prick who stopped just short of being blantantly abusive.

[spiderowl]

You know the kind man is the one who will treat you well. You loved the other guy but he didn't deserve it. It's ok for him to be repentant now but it's only because it became obvious to him he couldn't go on as he was - or did it? Once he's complacent again, then what? A kind guy would never have done what he did.

 

The relationship you were in was tough and scary, but that also means it was not stable and peaceful. You would have been on edge and probably got used to that feeling - not excitement exactly, but a chemical change in response to the need to be hyper alert. When the need to be alert is gone, maybe it feels like something is lacking. You just need time to adjust to a different state of being and accept that you can relax and it's fun to be able to do that.

 

Also, maybe there is some feeling of failure and of the previous relationship being an 'unfinished' situation, simply because it the ending was unsatisfactory with lots of unresolved feelings. This doesn't mean you need to go back into it to resolve anything and fix what didn't work last time. You don't need to feel any guilt over it or try to repair anything. It had to end because it ran its course and there was nothing more to be done. You are free to enjoy a good relationship now and owe him nothing. When things don't work out, there is a need to understand why. In this case, you couldn't: the problem was in his head and not under your control. It probably still is in his head. Perhaps you just need to let this go. Visualise yourself doing that, see a counsellor, anything but go back to this guy.