Stoop down to settling for whatever works?

[Pompom]

So I may already be known for being wordy, do bear with me, ADHD and stuff.

 

In the 29 years of my life, I've not had one single boyfriend. The closest I got, was a 3 night stand with someone I loved until I befriended his ex and he got pissy and decided to declare me his enemy. And well, he also turned out to be a sociopath who poses as a Jew, stalks and threatens his ex ten minutes after skyping me and appearing all happy to see me, and then some.

I'm not quite over him yet, but I know I don't want him. I miss who I thought he was. And it breaks my heart to know that he truly wants to be who he pretends to be. I know he liked me somewhat, I could feel it in his eyes and his touch, it was completely different from all other men who really only wanted sex from me, even when we had nothing more than polite nods and short chit chat for months, he seemed happy to see me and perfectly capable of keeping it in his pants.

 

This ex girlfriend of his, introduced me to her friends, one of whom is always on my mind ever since I met him. He's 30, loves to draw, watch TV, make stupid jokes, and likes cute stuff. He's a great listener and very open talker. He fits like a glove that way. But he's also going through divorce and he horribly misses his baby girl. He's moody and in a situation where he has no strength for anything serious (he said so). I'm crazy about him, he makes my heart accelerate and he's one of the few people whose presence I can currently suffer. His smile makes me happy.

I haven't told him how I feel and to make matters worse, our friend (said woman) has seriously offended him so now he's sulking for yet another reason. They once had an on and off fling/kinda-sorta-relationship, until she dumped him for his uncle and then his brother. And while they were bickering about that ancient history 2 weeks ago, she dropped a huge bomb on him by compating him to the man who raped her.

She hurt him deeply, and when she marched off all huffypuffy, I stayed with him (I came with her) because I could not bring myself to appear to be with her on this by rushing after her. We talked, he poured his heart out to me about how sick he is of her attitude, but clearly this is because he still has feelings for her. When we texted after that, it was clear he was done with her, though still deeply offended (also she has a new boyfriend and didn't tell him; this also hurt him).

 

So I don't think I got the best of chances here. He says he's crazy about me and I'm welcome to hang out any time ("especially without that friend-deserting bitch" - he was shocked when she just left, leaving me behind, as we're all from different towns and it was late), but this may just be him being sweet. He's a very mushy, cuddly kind of person, a typical Jew from a big family. Generous and caring. I came to him and told him I was sick and that he should keep a distance, he hugged me anyways and made me some tea. Hugged me again, and some pecks on the cheek. While everyone else treated me like a leper.

 

Then there's this guy who's 40 and also has a toddler from a previous marriage and while hardly being in touch with me, seems sincerely crazy about me when we do meet. I've met him twice; aforementioned girlfriend introduced me to him. He was another of her admirors. Me being me, we ****ed on the first date, when he was already showing me where in his apartment I could keep my cats. He also gave me a small (tiny, harmless unless ingested) dose of C4 as a gift that sadly blew in the car So he has my sense of humor - utterly ****ed up. Sex was ok.

A few nights ago he suddenly called and begged me to see him for the one hour he had before going to work. He wanted to take me to some nice coffee shop or restaurant, and I told him to give me 10 minutes to get dressed. He told me to just come down in my jammies, that badly he wanted to see me. When we found a nice place, he told me to order whatever I want and not just out of politeness (I had to decline a hundred times because he was rushed and I'm an excruciatingly slow eater). Then offered me to take me with him on his job as he's a bus driver and was going to my favorite coastal town. Right then and there. 5 hour ride in my company, not many would volunteer for that I actually considered it, but decided I couldn't as I hadn't yet emptied the dog that night. When his time was up, he bought me a cab and 5 minutes into the ride, he called me because he missed me already.

He is a total sweetheart, a gentleman - he would give my friend free rides and hire his gun-slinging friends to watch over her when she was traveling - and funny, and obviously lacking a screw, which makes it easier to deal with me, as it takes one to know one

But he doesn't do anything about my heartrate. There's nothing wrong with him other than the age gap, but while I like him and enjoy his company, I would have to stick around to see if I can grow to love him, while usually I'm not interested in a man who doesn't do anything to me at first sight. But I'm 29, I should be getting into marriage and raising kids yesterday, and time is not stopping for me to find Mr. Right.

 

It's just that I'm starting to give up hope. OLD has only yielded twats and idiots so far (idiot as in, seems eager, says so, but retreats when engaged). Working from home I don't get out much. And most men who approach me outside of OLD, are up high on my reject list. Well, same goes for OLD. All the good men are in Tel Aviv, I can't afford living there.

 

Truth be told, the lying sociopathic fake Jew was the one I've loved the most. While I was still buying it, I was happy every second we shared. I'd never been that happy with someone before; even when I couldn't fall asleep in his wreckage of a bed, I was in heaven for the opportunity to just be under the same blanket and look at his sleeping face until sunrise. Whatever part of him did that to me, wasn't a lie. His warmth and his body were real, his words were BS, but I don't fall in love with words or actions, it's the essential person whom I fall in love with. I miss his touch, his impish smile, the sparkly eyes, and I could forgive the lies, but that ship has sailed when he denied, to her, having had an affair with me, and to prove him a liar, I uploaded a precise sketch of his apartment and he snapped. We had sort of a civilized conversation about a month later, but that was it.

I know he's not right for me because I'm sensitive and curious, no one can lie to me for long, and I have a very good emotional memory (meaning every offense stays fresh). Him being similar, we'd be a suicide pact waiting to happen, but does that really matter considering I was happy while it lasted?

 

So now looking at my options, I'm starting to feel the bitterness of the realization that I may just have to settle for someone I can bear, rather than someone I actually love. On the other hand, while that may be "reasonable", that thought also makes me wonder why keep on living at all if a loveless marriage is all I can get. Can one actually find happiness in settling for whatever loves you, as long as you "really like him" back? I "really like" a lot of people and love that I don't have to share a flat with them... I'm a romantic, sex with strangers for fun is one thing, but now I want something "real", but a serious relationship without love is a hideous thought to me.

Edited November 6, 2012 by Pompom

[Leigh 87]

You should absolutely not settle.

 

Do your best to improve yourself if your not attractive to enough men to pick from.

 

Not meaning to sound condescending here! But if you have little to no options, then it is either your area and bad luck, or your not attractive enough for most men.

 

You SOUND great:) So it is definately not your personality! Far more bland and uninteresting people than yourself manage to find love!

 

I am not good looking naturally, but I know what to do in order to look as good as possible, that helps me massively than just not bothering with my appearance.

 

I have to work out and have a great body, and get my eyebrows professional waxed, in addition to growing my hair long, to look attractive.

 

With my fun and positive personality, good fashion sense, and now cute looks, I can get a lot of men, opposed to having all that MINUS the cute looks (when I attracted NO men, but got a LOT to like me for my personality and friend zoned)

 

Please don't settle! Re consider how you could expand your options, even if it means moving countries, haha!

[teri50]

You sound like a really nice person that just wants to be loved like the rest of us. Please run from these people who are clearly involved with someone else. You deserve better. We all could use a makeover from time to time. Find new places to meet people. Let friends and family no that you are open to meeting someone. (blind dates etc..)... Good Luck. drop those losers....

[IT Geek]

With my fun and positive personality, good fashion sense, and now cute looks, I can get a lot of men, opposed to having all that MINUS the cute looks (when I attracted NO men, but got a LOT to like me for my personality and friend zoned)

 

So what happens when someone doesn't have the cute looks? Don't settle and be alone the rest of your life, or settle? I'm 45, overweight, and definitely on the bottom of the looks scale. It's not like people in my age group have the time to wait for Mr/Miss Right like a 30 year old does.

 

I think your suggestion to not settle should be mitigated by the circumstances of those involved.