what goes around DOES come around

[Mayra]

hello,

 

Im 30 years old, over a year and a half ago, I cheated on my husband, with an old college friend. At this time, my husband was so controlling and overprotective, he would hunt me down anywhere I went, call me at work, even ask my daughter to "watch" my every move, especially if i talked to any males.

 

He didn't even trust me taking my daughter to her basketball games and practices,because he thought I would drop her off and leave with someone. If at times I wasn't found at home or at my mom's, he would leave early from work to find me or wait until i got home. During all this time, i wasnt cheating until later when i got fed up and my "friend" was giving me the love and attention that i needed. I would go to his house and have sex, we would do everything and anything. I did feel a little guilty, especially when i would drop off my daughters at babysitting. I never got caught and my husband would question my seeing someone else, i would deny it, then again, he always accused me of doing it, even when i was not cheating. I know for a fact my husband wasnt cheating on me then because he was the one always wanting sex and i would refuse all the time, I just didnt feel like it. He would come home right after work, and on his days off, he'd be home, never hid cell phone bills or his paycheck stubs. I did end my affair. I don't think much of it now.

 

In January of '04, my husband had to confess to cheating on me because he contracted an STD, and he was forced to tell me, I'm sure he didn't want to but he must have felt bad and didn't want me to go untreated if he had passed it on to me, which he did. I was devastated, still am. I did kick him out of the house, but took him back after 2 weeks. After all, I did it too, but it broke my heart to pieces when i found out of that he did it to me. he had no changes in work schedule or cell bills or check stubs, he confessed to getting a quickie with someone he met at the hospital where he works that was visiting a patient. They had their "thing" in the bathroom of the hospital, I know i did more things than him, but I'm still so angry and I don't know how to deal with it, he's apologized so much, constantly, and bringing me flowers and gifts.

 

I feel so heartbroken and i think of it every single day, I bring it up to him every day, and say so many bad things to him as to how he could do this to me. I was never controlling like he was with me, i tried many times to talk to him, but he'd never listen, he'd just call me a soap opera.

 

This is really breaking me, I'm very very heart broken, and i get depressed at times, i still love him very much.

 

any help, comments, suggestions are appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read.

[Pocky]

In reminding your husband about his lack of discipline have you bothered to share yours as well?

[Moose]

Well, what can I say? I'm sorry that these things hurt so is one thing. But to claim that you brought on yourself is another. We are all human, we all make mistakes one time or another. The fact that your telling your husband how much he hurt you and how wrong it was for him to do it is what bothers me. Don't you think he already knows??? After all, he was on the other side of this type of situation at one time. I don't believe that since you cheated it gives him a right to cheat either. But for you do continually harp on him about it is wrong too. He knows full well what he did and the pain it's causing you. Maybe he did it to get even. If so, shame on him. That's not the way to go. He already had a hand up on you and now he's ruined that.

 

I hope that this serves as a lesson to those thinking about cheating or being a part of a married persons affair. It only leads to broken hearts, dream, and homes. Then ultimatley, it breaks you as well.

 

One good thing though, when your at the bottom of your barrel, there's only one way out. Work on your marriage. Go to counceling. Find the book, "The five love languages". It's going to take a long time for either of you to trust the other again. BUT, it's not impossible. I don't believe in divorce, so of course I advise against it.

 

A marriage that can survive an ordeal like this will be a strong one.

 

Good luck!!

Moose

[Mayra]

Pocky,

 

I know what you're saying, and many times i've wanted to confess to him too, but i can't. What got me even more upset is that he brought home an STD, that was gross. I'm full of guilt myself, but telling him will make things worse and I can't stop talking sh@# to him about what he did,,,i know, i should talk. I'm just so hurt. I guess i just didn't like it being done to me.

[Mayra]

Moose,

 

thank you for your comments and advice, i agree with all you say, and i can't get down to completely forgiving him, i do love him very much and we have two daughters. everyday, he comes home and kisses me on my cheek and says he's sorry. I can't accept it, i'm trying but just the thought of him being with someone else upsets me. like i said, the STD made things worse, that was just really gross. He never found out about my affair, at times i feel like telling him and asking for his forgiveness as well, but i can't do it.

 

Then again, he was so mean before,,checking up on me, watching what I wore, who i talked to on the phone, checking my cell phone, searching through my purse,,,,all this got annoying, and it would make me so mad. He stopped doing all these things automatically. I couldn't even go to the mall with my sisters!

 

you're right, I shouldnt' even be saying to him why he did it, i did it too, it's wrong for me to say things. i just get so mad, ,,there are times when we talk and talk and it brings me to tears and i relax and tell him that i'll try to stop saying things, but i can't help myself. i really try though. It's so heartbreaking. I've considered counseling and I think I will do it, because this is tearing me apart.

 

A lesson indeed, be faithful,,,communication in a marriage is VERY important and that is something we definetely lacked. I will try, every new day, I will give my best to try not to think of it. it's very difficult though...never will I cheat on him again! I hope the same for him,,,he does promise, but you never know.

 

Thank you Moose for your reply and help, I appreciate it! M

[DazednConfused]

Mayra,

 

As a faithful husband who was cheated on, I understand your angst. But you are addicting yourself to the victim role. Stop it. It isn't attractive to anyone, very least, your husband.

 

You feel if you suffer enough, he will see it and somehow make it better, it ain't gonna happen. If it gets better, it comes from you. Please take it from me, I was the whining victim for over two months before it finally hit me.

 

As far as your own infidelity, I find it puzzling that you want your husband to embark on this new road to reconciliation with you, tell you everything, be the best husband to you he can, swallow his guilt and pride, hold your hand and tell you that you mean everything to him, etc. And you won't come clean about your own adulterous past. I stand in awe at the callous of your thought process.

 

The "It's all about me" mentality at its very best. If you ever want to respect yourself again, you need to have a frank and honest discussion.

 

Good luck to you, I think you need it more than most.

[Mayra]

DazednConfused

 

I'm sorry you were cheated on as well, i understand. I know, I know, I don't mind you all telling me like it is...you are so right, i'm playing the victim role here when I'm guilty as sin myself, that is my punishment for having cheated on him too, but why did he have to be so controlling and overprotective with me,,it bothered me so much, and i always offered to "talk" but he never took me serious,,,he wouldn't even look me in the eye to talk,,,gosh, everything in your reply is so right,,,there are times when i think i will tell him and confess and ask him to forgive me,,,but I know things will get very ugly. but my damned mouth won't stop talking sh@#!, and i get angry with myself too. I'm really hurting, and when I hurt, I guess i feel that putting him down will make me feel better, and it does, then later Im back at hating him.

 

I'll need that "good luck" thanks. I will try to work on it...I praise you for finally getting over it,,,that takes a lot of strength, courage.

 

Thank you for your help and honesty. ~M

[havNfun]

MAYRA,

 

I am very sorry but it is hard to feel much sympathy for you.

 

not only did you cheat on your husband = w/out much remorse,

but you also acted like he was this paranoid, controlling, jealous guy who would

follow you around and always keep track of where you were.

WELL, what do you know.... he was right about you. obviously he

sensed that you had it in you to stab him right in the back.

 

and then you have the eggs to play victim and get on here and act

like you were wronged. You wonder if you should take him back?

In my house, and in my family, you would loose EVERYthing you have

and like. AND, you would not be communicated to again.

 

Is she for real?

[Mayra]

havNfun,

 

thank you i deserve that, and i am for real,,,it's all about hurting now, I know i did it too, but when i say he was this controlling freak, it's because he was, he acted this way, way before I cheated on him,,,back to when we got married,,,in '95. I couldn't even go around to talk to the guests at our wedding...why did i marry him? I love him thats why. as time went by and he just continued with the jeaulosy,,,,i had had enough and that is when I came across my old friend,,,I made the mistake too,,,very very wrong, i understand when you say "w/out much remorse" that is because, at the time, sure I felt guilt and it was wrong, but what did i do to him for always having treated me the way he did. do you know how many times i tried to "talk" very very many,,,his answer was always "yeah yeah, you're just a soap opera." but just like Moose said, we are all human,, I just hope that in time, i will forgive him completely and not torture him with it anymore...I wish i had the guts to come clean with him too,,,,,,but i can't.

 

believe me, i wish i could....lesson learned.

 

Thank you for your honesty. ~M