Don't Want People To Delude Me

[verhrzn]

My entire life, I have hovered somewhere between 120-130 pounds. Freshman year of college, I dropped to about 116, probably as a result of walking more than I did in high school, and barely eating (cafeteria food.) I've never been able to replicate the process, though.

 

Then suddenly, at the end of the spring, my weight plummeted. In April I was 120, and by beginning of July I was sitting at 113 lbs. I have NO idea how I did it.... I wasn't exercising, I was eating way more junk food than I had been for the last six months. The only thing I could pin it on was my increased anxiety.

 

Unfortunately my anxiety became uncontrollable, so I had go to on meds. The meds have an unfortunate side-effect of weight gain; from August to October, I ballooned right back up to 126 pounds.

 

I started exercising and trying to eat right again, but I cannot push my weight back down. No matter what I do, I'm gaining pounds again.

 

I have even dropped my medication, in hopes my anxiety will return and I'll get skinny again. The anxiety has returned... the pounds have stayed. And I'm too scared to go back on the meds again, that I'll get even fatter.

 

So here's my dilemma. I know I'm fat. I'm 15 pounds heavier than what I should be at my height (5 foot.) I spend almost every minute worrying about food and my weight.

 

I've come to the decision that I just need to accept it, that I just need to embrace my fatness. In the past I've described myself as fat in a derogatory way. Now I am trying to say "fat" in a self-acceptance, positive way. I am just trying to accept that this is what I am, this is my body, and this is what I will be.

 

The problem is, people immediately correct me when it comes up in conversation. In the past I have used "fat" as a derogatory term, but now I am trying to describe myself as fat from a purely descriptive term, and to just accept myself.

 

I know people think they're being nice, but telling me I'm not fat when I clearly am, is not helpful. It's lying to my face. Nobody blinks an eye when I describe myself as a brunette.

 

How do I get across to people that I am trying to just accept my body for what it is, and they need to stop trying to get me to delude myself?

[SmileFace]

Body dysmorphic disorder.

Look it up.

No one is trying to delude you.

 

Just because you don't fit this perceived mold - it doesn't make you any less of a person. Self acceptance isn't what you are doing so please don't label it as such. If you want to be thinner work harder. Accept that you can do the best you can.

[verhrzn]

Body dysmorphic disorder.

Look it up.

No one is trying to delude you.

 

Just because you don't fit this perceived mold - it doesn't make you any less of a person. Self acceptance isn't what you are doing so please don't label it as such. If you want to be thinner work harder. Accept that you can do the best you can.

 

I do not have dymorphic body disorder. That would require seeing my body in a different way than other people do. Except by calling myself "fat," I am describing my body in the exact same terms that other people use to describe my body.

 

They just don't describe it that way directly to my face.

 

My mother calls me fat, directly and indirectly. My friends make subtle digs about my weight, and then immediately condone me for calling myself "fat"... even though that's exactly what they called me 5 minutes ago. Men also describe me as fat.... it's their go-to insult when I approach them.

 

That is not body dysmorphic disorder.

 

Self-acceptance means accepting the good and the bad. I cannot change being fat. I have worked myself to the bone trying. So, I will now accept it. How is that not self-acceptance??

[guildenstern]

I dont know the whole story but I don't think quitting your meds is a good idea. I think anxiety is probably worse than a few extra pounds and if you're gonna always be the weight you are now you might as well feel better about it.

[SmileFace]

How exactly will you stop trying? That doesn't make sense.

 

Imho you do have body dysmorphic disorder since you are obsessing over this - dispite your acceptance speech you are still obsessing. I am not asking you to agree.

 

You think I don't know what it is considered to be fat - I have lost over a 130 pounds and still get called fat to my face. ****, if I listen to the crap on this board I will be alone for the rest of my life since I am so undesirable. I am not saying you aren't fat since everyone has their own defination but learning to accept that wouldn't make you a better person. It will do nothing for you. Learn to change it, be who you want to be. It isn't as fat is something that can't change. If you were short and had a problem with that - yes you will have to comes to terms and embrace it but you have choice to be what you want to be.

 

Anyway all the luck. Truthfully,

[verhrzn]

^bullcrap. unless you have some Dr. diagnose with some sort of glandular issues, it's allllllll you...

 

 

it's not rocket science.. fat is stored energy. you're taking in more energy than youre expending and it's being stored as fat. you following?!

 

You want to lose weight.. simple, don't drink your calories AT ALL. and don't eat if you're not hungry. You will lose weight just existing after that. Add exercise and it will happen faster while increasing endorphins, energy, strength and a buttload of other things.

 

 

you don't accept it. you're not a jolly fat girl. you're angry and depressive, and it shows.

 

stop being a glutton. bottom line. there... no deluding.

 

I have said this over and over...... I have laid out my diet and exercise plan extensively. I have eaten less than 1500 calories, exercised for hours (weight lifting AND cardio), and GAINED body fat.

 

If losing weight is so simple.... calories in, calories out.... then how did I lose weight when my lunch was a hamburger and fries, and I ate a slice of chocolate cake a day? How is it possible that I had the exact same diet in May as in September, and yet in May I lost weight and in September I gained it?

 

Some people are just genetically fat. Accept it.

[cerridwen]

The word "fat" is too loaded and you'll always encounter resistance when describing yourself that way.

Use "chubby".

Or "thick".

[guildenstern]

The word "fat" is too loaded and you'll always encounter resistance when describing yourself that way.

Use "chubby".

Or "thick".

 

:confused:I think people will react the same way to either of those.

Weird thought, but everyone I know who is heavy and okay with it accepted it on their own, then started being cheerful and making jokes about it before anyone else started openly agreeing or talking about them that way (saying they were fat, but not being insulting or mean.) Isn't that kind of the opposite of what you're trying to do, make people agree with you first so that you will be able to accept it?

[Nik1]

126 and 5'0, that sounds healthy to me. My ex was 5'1 and weighed more than me at one point (and I ain't skinny). Lots of dudes like a little extra baggage anyway. You should post pics if you really want us to judge, though.

[SmileFace]

Anyway for what it is worth. I really don't think you should seek to find a term so you can come across as accepting to people. If you want to call yourself fat, sobeit. Go ahead. No reason to be polically correct. You shouldn't need to defend your own self opinion. Even tho I don't agree with your mindset that is your own business. I can't understand having a negative view of myself, just me.

[verhrzn]

Anyway for what it is worth. I really don't think you should seek to find a term so you can come across as accepting to people. If you want to call yourself fat, sobeit. Go ahead. No reason to be polically correct. You shouldn't need to defend your own self opinion. Even tho I don't agree with your mindset that is your own business. I can't understand having a negative view of myself, just me.

 

I'm just really sick of people calling me "fat" behind my back, and when I apply that label myself, falling all over themselves to say "Oh NO, you're totally not." Or guys on this forum who say I'm totally not fat, and then verbally eviscerate girls as "rubs of lard" or disgusting when the girls look exactly like me.

 

I just hate dishonesty to its core.

[SmileFace]

I'm just really sick of people calling me "fat" behind my back, and when I apply that label myself, falling all over themselves to say "Oh NO, you're totally not." Or guys on this forum who say I'm totally not fat, and then verbally eviscerate girls as "rubs of lard" or disgusting when the girls look exactly like me.

 

I just hate dishonesty to its core.

V believe me I sympathize with you but what guys say on this forum has no bearing on the real world. Like I stated prior if I gave a rat's ass about what people say behind a screen are not to my face I will be in a depressive state. You are considered pudgy to half of the guys here, my stats will be considered obese so yes I get it. However I am not saying that you shouldn't be real. But you aren't going to see me running around here screaming "I am fat and I am proud", since I am not and neither are you. If you consider yourself fat that is your decision. However you shouldn't try to conform to people's beliefs. People will always have their own opinion - negative or not. Coming to terms is one thing but you don't seem happy with your appearance so to stop trying wouldn't be productive - that is why my original response didn't address your op. You need to forget about people and remember yourself. Understanding that you may not have your desired body - I don't believe in the notion you can't lose weight - is understandable but to stop trying it unacceptable.

 

Plus tons of people aren't dishonest you are just bitter in that aspect.

 

Anyway I apoligize for dismissing you op in my first response.

Edited November 7, 2012 by SmileFace

[ThaWholigan]

Then you're breaking the laws of physics and can be considered an over-unity device.

 

Don't count calories, just don't EAT if you're not actually HUNGRY.. you know that feeling when your stomach growls? that's your stomach, telling your mind, that you're hungry. Don't eat, unless you feel that. EAT until you DON'T FEEL THAT. that's all, it's really, that simple.

 

I don't know how else to say it.

 

otherwise.. go back to eating cake if you lose wieght, I can't explain it, just go with it. go with what works for you. I'm just explaining something extremely simple that works for me.

I think she may be eating too little actually, that may be making her gain weight. When your calorie intake is low, your body adapts to need less calories.

 

I suggested privately that she look into going for a CHEK assessment or a Poliquin test to accurately measure why fat may be storing the way it is.

[SmileFace]

I really wish you will stop allowing people to delude you - that is my main point.

 

Plus I agree with thawho - you are probably taking into way too little calories. However I haven't seen what you have been eating prior.

[verhrzn]

I really wish you will stop allowing people to delude you - that is my main point.

 

Plus I agree with thawho - you are probably taking into way too little calories. However I haven't seen what you have been eating prior.

 

I just don't want to be lied to my face, and then insulted behind my back.

 

This is particularly on my mind because over the past few months I have been growing increasingly concerned about my weight, and I tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm fat, and he always tells me I'm not, that I look fine, etc.

 

But it's just not true. I AM overweight. So I get really upset at the idea that he is lying just to spare my feelings/appease me. It makes me wonder if he'll keep up the charade when I'm 20, 30, 100 pounds overweight... will he continue telling me I look fine, when I don't?

 

How can I trust my partner if I know he's lying to me? Even if it's done to make me feel "better," it's still a lie. How can I trust that my partner, or my friends, will tell me what's necessary.... tell me what I might have a blind spot about.... if they're always lying about the truth?

[SmileFace]

I just don't want to be lied to my face, and then insulted behind my back.

 

This is particularly on my mind because over the past few months I have been growing increasingly concerned about my weight, and I tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm fat, and he always tells me I'm not, that I look fine, etc.

 

But it's just not true. I AM overweight. So I get really upset at the idea that he is lying just to spare my feelings/appease me. It makes me wonder if he'll keep up the charade when I'm 20, 30, 100 pounds overweight... will he continue telling me I look fine, when I don't?

 

How can I trust my partner if I know he's lying to me? Even if it's done to make me feel "better," it's still a lie. How can I trust that my partner, or my friends, will tell me what's necessary.... tell me what I might have a blind spot about.... if they're always lying about the truth?

You need to stop seeking outside validation. If your partner is with you you have to believe that you are good enough. You need to learn to trust people. It isn't his job to make you feel better about yourself so I doubt he is doing. Plus it isn't his job that you keep in line with your weight - that is your job. You need to find where you are happy with your body - until then you will still have this problem. Until you are happy - you will never think someone else is.

[FitChick]

Your boyfriend obviously doesn't care about your weight or he would have left by now. Keep up your self-destructive harangues and I guarantee he will leave which is what you really want. He is essentially calling you a liar by sticking around.

[verhrzn]

Your boyfriend obviously doesn't care about your weight or he would have left by now. Keep up your self-destructive harangues and I guarantee he will leave which is what you really want. He is essentially calling you a liar by sticking around.

 

Please. All my other exes kept dating me even while admitting, to my face, they didn't find me attractive. They can stick around for other reasons besides actually wanting to be with me.... Desperation, loneliness, no other options, etc. There are lots of reasons for being in a relationship besides liking the other person.

[GorillaTheater]

There are lots of reasons for being in a relationship besides liking the other person.

 

I suspect it's your boobs.

[verhrzn]

I suspect it's your boobs.

 

Yeeeeah, girls with B cups are so hard to find?....

[Taramere]

I just don't want to be lied to my face, and then insulted behind my back.

 

This is particularly on my mind because over the past few months I have been growing increasingly concerned about my weight, and I tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm fat, and he always tells me I'm not, that I look fine, etc.

 

But it's just not true. I AM overweight. So I get really upset at the idea that he is lying just to spare my feelings/appease me. It makes me wonder if he'll keep up the charade when I'm 20, 30, 100 pounds overweight... will he continue telling me I look fine, when I don't?

 

How can I trust my partner if I know he's lying to me? Even if it's done to make me feel "better," it's still a lie. How can I trust that my partner, or my friends, will tell me what's necessary.... tell me what I might have a blind spot about.... if they're always lying about the truth?

 

It seems like you often come onto the board reporting horrible or insensitive things people have said to you, which creates a sense of "my God, people really are horrible to this poor girl."

 

Then there will be the other threads - like this one - where you reveal this tendency of yours to nag at people until they confirm or promote the negative core beliefs you have about yourself.

 

Sooner or later, your boyfriend is bound to lose patience with the "am I fat?" "no, I like you as you are" dance. He'll probably snap and say something harsher than he means, out of sheer frustration...and then you'll come onto the board and tell us all about it. Probably in a way that makes your boyfriend sound like a heartless bastard.

 

Maybe you have body dysmorphia as SmileFace says. I don't know if that's something that can be cured or addressed effectively through therapy. Hopefully if you worked with a therapist you could achieve something....but I don't really understand what you're looking for from people here. Other than the same thing you seem to be looking for in the real world - which is, as far as I can ascertain, that other people agree to perceive you in the same harshly critical manner that you perceive yourself, and comply with your regular requests to criticise you mercilessly for all the ways in which you feel you are flawed.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Taramere

[iris219]

When you call yourself "fat" people probably think you want them to disagree with you. People are giving you what they think you want. Also, it's hard to tell someone to their face that they're fat, which is basically what you're asking people to do by agreeing with your evaluation of yourself.

[verhrzn]

It seems like you often come onto the board reporting horrible or insensitive things people have said to you, which creates a sense of "my God, people really are horrible to this poor girl."

 

Then there will be the other threads - like this one - where you reveal this tendency of yours to nag at people until they confirm or promote the negative core beliefs you have about yourself.

 

Sooner or later, your boyfriend is bound to lose patience with the "am I fat?" "no, I like you as you are" dance. He'll probably snap and say something harsher than he means, out of sheer frustration...and then you'll come onto the board and tell us all about it. Probably in a way that makes your boyfriend sound like a heartless bastard.

 

Maybe you have body dysmorphia as SmileFace says. I don't know if that's something that can be cured or addressed effectively through therapy. Hopefully if you worked with a therapist you could achieve something....but I don't really understand what you're looking for from people here. Other than the same thing you seem to be looking for in the real world - which is, as far as I can ascertain, that other people agree to perceive you in the same harshly critical manner that you perceive yourself, and comply with your regular requests to criticise you mercilessly for all the ways in which you feel you are flawed.

 

I think you're right that I look for the same thing in the real world that I look for her.... validation of my experiences. I disagree that it's overly harsh or critical.

 

Since I was little, people have said bad things about me.... and yet, when I repeat them, the same people criticize me for having low self-esteem or being overly harsh.

 

I just repeat what I hear and report what I've seen. Guys on this board, and in real life, criticize girls who look just like me as fat. I myself have been called fat. So why, when I call myself that, do I have body dysmorphia? This is something I never understand.

 

I have always tried to embrace the idea that everything comes with a mixture of bad and good, including my body. I would have a much easier time "trusting" my bf if he ever admitted he finds one thing he dislikes about me. But it's the same old dance every time... "No, you look fine."

 

I can't possibly look fine all the time. I can't possibly be "the most beautiful woman on Earth." I can't NOT be overweight, unless someone is legally blind.

 

Think of it another way: you ask your husband if you look fat in that dress. He knows you do, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so says nope, you look great. You go out in that dress. You get stares/laughing/your friends looking at you with horror,' How could you go out in that?!' Would you ever trust your husband's opinion on your clothes again?

 

You'll notice that I never call my exes heartless bastards. I don't think they were. They were just honest. And I prefer it that way. Granted, I wish they hadn't dated me and lied to me at the beginning, but c'est la vie. I prefer honesty over flattery every day.

 

 

.... I guess I am pretty much also looking for a way to get people to be honest. For example, some of my friends will not stop making barbed comments about my body and my weight. And yet if I turn around and blandly say what they think (fat), then they get all flustered and back-track about how, no, my weight is fine, have some self-esteem! My mother does this as well.

 

So how do I get people to own up to this hypocritical attitude? How do I call people on this behavior?

[iris219]

It's not anyone's job to validate your experiences.

 

Like I said, most people are uncomfortable insulting others, even if the insult is true.

 

I wonder though, do you REALLY want people to tell you're fat?

[verhrzn]

It's not anyone's job to validate your experiences.

 

Like I said, most people are uncomfortable insulting others, even if the insult is true.

 

I wonder though, do you REALLY want people to tell you're fat?

 

If that's what they're calling me behind my back or in their heads, yes! I'd like to have as accurate a picture of myself as possible. I've never been able to figure out how people see me. If they think something about me, I want them to tell me instead of me having to mind-read and guess.