Jane28 Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Mine is a very long story, so I won't go into all of the details here, but here are the basics: XAP and I have a long history, about 15 years long. We've had a relationship in the past but it didnt work. We were young and didn't know how to handle things. Time passed and we both married and have families. He contacted me one day after he was married but before I was and we started talking again. We finally admitted to how we've felt over the years. This has been going on for about 6 years now, off and on. We never went beyond online chatting until this last summer. We talked daily on the phone and actually agreed to see one another for one day back in our home state. Our connection was still there and stronger than ever before. We talked about a life together. We've since both had d-days and stopped talking. But I can't stop thinking about him and what a life with him could mean. We currently live a thousand miles apart and there are five young kids between us. Could that ever work?!?! I'm trying to fix things with H but I just don't know...I don't love him anymore..I care about him but the love I feel for him is of friendship and due to being with him for so long. I'm worried I won't be able to fix things with H as long as I'm wondering what a life with AP could have been. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever overcome and distance and made it work? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 My first question is: you only have a friendship love because you've been with your husband for a long time you say, right? Don't you think when you and your exAP are no longer long distance lovers, but living together with your 5 kids for 15 years it will be the SAME thing? It seems many people believe the high of being inlove will be the same as it was 3 months in as it is 30 years...for most people it isn't. It doesn't mean the relationship is wrong. Some people, like an ex of mine, lived for that high so only had short term relationships, and once the "in love" feeling wore off he moved on. It's unsustainable to build your life on this or to ruin the life you have chasing a feeling that may not last no matter WHO it is. It seems many MP convince themselves that some "other" person, esp "long lost loves" will save them from their mundane lives...yet in the context of an A it does. If you have a LD A I'm sure it is exciting and fulfilling and provides reprieve; however, think carefully about the future and about whether or not things won't be the SAME with your LD AP if you were to ever be together for real, day in and out with your 5 kids. My exAP and I recently reconnected and he is single and disengaged. I won't go into all the details, but I still love him and vice-versa, yet now that it is no longer an A, we have to consider how it can really work. It's easy while it is an A to simply blame circumstance if it doesn't work out, but we have to give it a real try, with no such obstacle and see whether or not as an open relationship is even sustainable. When distance and the limitations of an A are there the fantasies of what things COULD be potentially are limitless and exciting and not constrained by reality....then there is real life. Please think carefully about how much of your thoughts are fantasy-based versus realistic, how much is just the normal boredom of marriage versus not loving your husband, and if so, if this new and exciting lost lover will be someone who you won't feel the exact same way about in a few years. You are right that you can't fix things with your H if you're planning a life in your mind with your AP.... I would suggest giving the A a break and reading about when marriages get stale, read about the feeling of being inlove etc and give your marriage a real try before deciding to leave FOR your AP. If your AP wasn't in the picture, would you be considering divorce? One needs to leave a M simply because it is over and it is more of a waste of time or detriment than just because one found a new "love interest" that may very well be fleeting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 It can work, if OM does not falter or blink in the process of being with you. You two make a plan, you stick to the plan, he getsdivorced. The recurring theme is that in your situation the woman will leave the M, but the man will not, so careful about that in case you prefer to stay married over divorced if he doesn't leave. If he doesn't fully cooperate with you to make it happen, let go. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 It can work, if OM does not falter or blink in the process of being with you. You two make a plan, you stick to the plan, he getsdivorced. The recurring theme is that in your situation the woman will leave the M, but the man will not, so careful about that in case you prefer to stay married over divorced if he doesn't leave. If he doesn't fully cooperate with you to make it happen, let go. Very well said cutedragon, I know of a few females that have left their marriages for the AP or in hopes of something long term. It once again shows that woman are the stronger sex lol. I was one of those woman but to be honest it wasn 't for my ap it was because I didn't have a stable marriage to begin with. I truly believe alot of men and woman stay because it's easier then divorceing. No one ever aid life was easy. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever overcome and distance and made it work? Overcoming the distance is the easy part. Harder are: Your lack of certainty over what you really want. You say you want to fix things with your H - but you're still wondering about what might happen with your AP. unless you know what you want, you can't commit sufficiently to make either R work.Your history with your AP. Things did not work out before. You have both had d-days yet neither used the opportunity to end your M to take a step toward committing to a full-time R together. Blending families can be challenging, especially if the Ds are acrimonious. Given that there have been D-days, chances are they might be. But it does not matter whether anyone else has made it work. It matters whether you want to make it work, and whether he does, and how much effort you're both prepared to put into resolving all your unfinished business on both sides and making things work, however hard things are for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Probably, if you two didn't do what it would require to "make it work" when you were both single, you won't get it figured out with spouses and kids between you. On the other hand, though, such relationships can serve as powerful "romantic" escape from real life, and often do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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