"Guy Code" for Letting Me Down Easy?

[tinynmighty]

First post here, please be gentle. Sorry this is long...

 

So, I am divorced and recently went to a get together a friend was having to get out of the house. A fun time was had by all...beers, laughs, long conversations. Overall a great time for everyone.

 

I met someone at this get together, we'll call him Joe, and we hit it off immediately. Lots of flirting and conversation. At the end of the party, we decided to continue our conversation over a late night dinner. Again, everything went so great. Having had too many drinks to drive by this point, he let me stay at his place to sober up. One thing led to another...you get the gist. I wasn't expecting things to go anywhere, figuring it was a one-night thing. He asks for my number and kisses me as we part ways.

 

To my surprise, I get a text from him about an hour later asking if I made it home okay and telling me how much he enjoyed my company. A few days later, I add him on FB and we then spend the next week constantly chatting. We have an incredible amount in common; humor, politics, music, movies, general outlook on life, etc. He asks for a second meetup, he wants to fix me dinner at his place the following weekend.

 

This second "date" goes very well; again, we talk for hours and hours about any and everything. We drink some wine, listen to music, and just enjoy one another's company. Things are very easy between us for the most part, save for the usual nerves when you are trying to impress someone you like. Again, our physical chemistry overpowers us. The next morning, he fixes me breakfast, we talk again for another hour or so, then I gather my things to leave. As I put on my coat, he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me twice on the neck, very sensually. He walks me out, kisses me goodbye, and I leave.

 

Sounds like a great start, right?

 

So over the course of the next several days, he seems busy at work. Also, I wanted to give him plenty of space as to not come across as clingy. We chat here and there, but not the extent to the first week. By Thursday, I ask if he would like to meet for drinks sometime in the next week or two, he responds immediately "Yes! Let's go have dinner and drinks at (favorite restaurant name). Meet me at my place Saturday night at 8."

 

Saturday rolls around, I go out for drinks with a girlfriend and about an hour before I'm supposed to meet him, he texts me saying he has been feeling worn out and would I care to stay in to watch movies and have Chinese. I oblige, pick up dinner, and head over. Like all the previous times, the conversation flows, although this time he seems to be opening up a lot more about his last serious relationship. I see this as him trusting me more.

 

After we eat, we begin to cuddle, chatting and laughing, teasing each other. One thing leads to another...it's wonderful, I feel like we're starting to really connect with each other. Afterwards, as he's spooning me, he says "I don't want you to get the wrong impression of what is going on here." I ask for clarification and he tells me that he's not ready for a commitment and doesn't want me to get serious about him. Obviously, this is a shock to me and I immediately pull away. He then wonders if I am upset, and I say yes, naturally. We decide to talk it out a little bit, a few tiny tears escape, much to my objection (I'm trying to be strong here). I tell him I need to go home. As he opens the door for me, I stop and look him in the eye and say "I really did like you", turn and walk away.

 

The next morning, he pops up on chat with a long message apologizing to me for hurting my feelings. He then says that he's never had a connection with a woman like he does me and that he's scared. He said he has a tendency to screw up relationships and was afraid he would hurt me down the road. I choose the high road, tell him I have thoroughly enjoyed his company and friendship, but that although I was hurt and disappointed, I appreciate he was honest with me. I told him he really needs some time to figure out what he wants out of his life and that sometimes, even though you're scared, you have to take chances. He said he was worried that I felt used, and I told him no, that I am mature enough to know that sometimes things don't work out the way you imagine. I chalked it up to bad timing and the conversation ends.

 

In the past few days, he has initiated chatting with me a couple times. We've kept it light, no discussion over "us", just current events and politics. Although things went the way they did, I do still like him a lot. Should I just lay low for a while? Do you think he was sincere in his "I'm scared" explanation, or is this just guy code for "I'm really not into you"? I'm trying not to overthink things and just keep it on friendly terms, we do have a fantastic friendship. With me being divorced, I understand that I am more sensitive, but it has also been a long time since I've been in the dating game and I really have no idea how I am supposed to handle this.

[jw123]

I try to take people at face value when I can.

 

Think about what you need and ask for that. If he can't give that then he is not the person for you right now.

 

Having gone through a horrible divorce I am very afraid of commitment. Actually it's not the commitment I fear, but the breakup. I do find that I am able to make short term commitments that make for some satisfying relationships.

 

With my current lover we have agreed to exclusivity while together but have made it clear that we will only stay together while it makes sense for both of us. Our only promises are honesty and kindness. We are enjoying getting to know each other and focusing on the journey with no goal. Will it end up being a short fling or a long romance? We don't know and we try to not have expectations and just go with the flow. Either of us is free to call an end to it without any explanation required or recriminations allowed. Not everyone would be able to live with that kind of uncertainty but it seems to be working for us. It certainly doesn't interfere with our lust, our feeling like giddy teenagers again, or our ability to have fun spending time together. Obviously this type of relationship breaks down when there is cohabitation and shared bills involved, but neither of us wants that right now. If we get to that point we will have to rethink the whole commitment thing. Meanwhile we will enjoy the ride

[pteromom]

It sounds to me like he was truthful. He likes you and enjoys hanging around you (and having sex with you) but is not interested in a committed relationship.

 

So you have 3 options...

 

- Keep sleeping with him, knowing that that is all it will ever be

 

- Keep moving forward, hoping that he will get to a point where he will want a LTR with you. You can't expect it, but there's no harm in hoping. Except of course, if he still wants just an FWB thing six months from now, it will hurt a lot more when you break up.

 

- Let him go, since you want two different things.

 

Decide which way you want to go, and do it.

[sweetkiwi]

you did the right thing. I personally wouldn't want a friendship with him after such a fling. But thats me.

[sweetkiwi]

you did the right thing. I personally wouldn't want a friendship with him after such a fling. But thats me.

[tinynmighty]

I appreciate the feedback.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for, to be honest. I don't know if I want a friendship/companionship type thing, I've always been a "go with the flow" type of woman. After coming out of a troubled marriage, I really wasn't looking for anything serious for a long time. Having met someone who I thought we had an interesting connection with, I was content with just seeing how things went.

 

I admit, I acted a little emotionally (read: not psycho, just shocked and hurt) when he told me he wasn't looking for anything from me. I had had a few beers by that point and I am very sensitive to rejection. I lost a lot of friends during my divorce and my self-esteem took quite a beating during that process. I know that's my own issue to work out though.

 

I tried not to allow feelings for him develop, knowing in the back of my mind that things change all the time. I guess the combination of our deepening friendship and his affectionate behavior towards me gave me false hope. Sigh.

 

Some days I really wish I were not so sensitive.

[pcplod]

Lets see if I can help your thoughts along, by being a bit provocative, to maybe jar your thoughts onto another plane.

 

I'm Mr Voyeur peering in on this couple's nascent relationship. Two divorcees still on the road to recovery, hopefully. They only met comparatively recently and are still getting to know one another, to sound one another out. But, nevertheless, early indications seem quite positive. They enjoy one another's company, have some good sex, maybe even great sex, and are experiencing some nebulous early romance and lovey-dovey stuff that neither knows what it means to them yet because it is early days yet and they are both feeling fragile because of recent break-ups. That is until...

 

... Mr Fragile mutters in a moment of careless confidence to Ms Fragile, "I don't know". At which point you figuratively go off the rails in response and things spiral downhill a fair bit, fairly promptly between the two of you where now things are figuratively swaying, teetering, in the balance between you, neither knowing what to do or say to the other in the awkwardness that inevitably ensues.

 

What we have here is a learned, conditioned response. But to what exactly? That he has mooted that there is some doubt at the end of the day that he might not buy you a big sparkler and walk you down the church aisle? That he might have you on a retainer with an option that he might not take up? Well, even if that is true what is so different about that by inference before he uttered those words in a moment of conscience and guilt?

 

Is the inference that you had already decided in advance that he if he would not pre-commit himself 100% to the long term then the whole ball of fun you were both having up to that moment would have to be off?

 

And what about you? Were you expecting him to show that level of commitment because you had already decided consciously to put in that level of commitment yourself? Or is it somewhat more blurred, more nuanced than that? Putting it another way, are you expecting something from him, instinctively, that you probably are not ready to ask of yourself? If so, what on earth are you going to do rationally with that possible realisation?

 

It may be that he is just sincerely expressing indecision or it might be that he is playing his get out of jail card in advance. You could ask him to clarify but does he really even know himself yet?

 

Let's say that in a worse case scenario despite all the lovey-doveyness he is playing you, consciously and deliberately what do you want to do, play the game too because there are good aspects to it, or do you want to walk away because you are not that type and you are, as you say yourself, too sensitive for all that?

 

If it is the latter, what are the implications for you in terms of any future relationships? I mean, do you move on to the next guy and wait to see if he makes similar fateful utterances or not? Or do you say, hey, I'm a big girl now, a member of the walking wounded admittedly, but if I am going to do myself a favour longer term I need to rebuild myself as the phoenix rising out of the ashes in terms of psychological and emotional strength.

 

Were you an emotionally sensitive person before you first got married or did the marriage experience do that to you? Do you want to return to something that you were before the trauma of your marriage or do you even maybe want to be something even greater than anything that you have been in your life to date? That is, possibly your personal challenge to yourself, irrespective of what lover-boy may or may not ultimately do. Can you be a confident and positive person despite what has happened to you? What do you think is best for you in terms of your personal emotional development? Do you want to be subservient to your fears or be the master of them, always bearing in mind that you can neither avoid them or expunge them, but have to deal with them, or not.

 

Besides there was the company and the sex. Was it good enough, could it still be good enough, to make it worthwhile dealing with whatever fate may throw at you in the future irrespective of whether you had a glimpse of it in advance or not?

 

It isn't easy. It was never deigned to be. That is us, weaknesses and all, that is our existence. Rise to the challenge or be overwhelmed by it?

[tinynmighty]

pcplod Thank you very much for your thoughtful input. It is pretty obvious I need to do some soul searching for a while. Yes, I have always been sensitive, that is not a new development. In fact, I think my marriage has hardened me a bit over the years.

 

UPDATE: I asked him to be blunt with me about the situation after a few days of no contact. Turns out, he isn't attracted to me and was merely using me for sex. So, thanks for listening.

 

[pcplod]

Your experience of life should not be about becoming hardened or cynical, at least in absolute, universal terms. If it does you have self-failure on your hands.

 

What it can be about and should be about is learning that you can suffer serious, distressing setbacks but still come out of it still being positive, still being strong, still being optimistic, at least overall.

 

I will freely admit that it is much easier to face that proposition philosophically than in reality. But if you want to be kind to yourself just a LITTLE bit what on earth else can you do?

[spiderowl]

Personally, I think he could have said all this stuff about commitment before he slept with you. You could both have clarified matters at that time rather than drift into this. If you drift into a sexual relationship and don't clarify intentions beforehand, then there is always the risk that one party will announce they want to keep it casual.

 

As to whether he's playing you or not, I think what he said was very telling. I don't think he's necessarily playing you but I do think he's saying don't expect anything from me. He senses you are getting comfortable and trusting him and he's not sure he wants that kind of deep involvement. If you do, be wary.

 

I can only speak for myself as to what I'd do in that situation. I think I would start backing out. I've been hurt before by a guy who came on strongly, then told he he loved me, then started backpedalling. Any sign that he's not as comfortable as I am with the relationship and the way it seems to be going would be a red flag for me. I would withdraw and give him space. If he's genuinely interested in developing the relationship, I think you'd find out quickly, but if he's still doubtful, you will know too.

[tinynmighty]

spiderowl, I really thought it was going to be a one-night-stand thing. The first night, before things had gotten so far, I even told him that I didn't think it was a good idea because I have certain expectations of people when things get sexual. He also said that he doesn't like casual sex because it gets too emotional for him. If he had never contacted me afterwards, I would have never given a second thought.

 

I guess it's just one of those situations where he thought maybe he liked me, then after a few dates, changed his mind. I do feel used a little, but I can't blame him or be angry if he's really not into me. I think he should have spoken up earlier if he was not really feeling it, or at least not continued the sexual aspect of it knowing my feelings for him were growing.

 

I am a little perplexed as to why he doesn't find me attractive, it's not like he is out of my league or anything, I'd say we are quite equal in the looks department. On the other hand, you never know what turns people off. Admittedly, I haven't been working out like I used to because of all the emotional crap from the divorce, but I would like to think I am not bad looking. I haven't put on any weight, I dress decently for my shape and age, and I take great care with hair/makeup. The stress from the last couple years has probably taken a harder toll on me and likely shows up in my face and posture, it's been exhausting and weathering to say the least.

 

It's probably a blessing in disguise. I need to focus on getting my health back in order so that I not only look better, but feel better. Also, getting a little burned probably isn't a bad thing as I am getting back out into the dating game. There's a silver lining to everything.

[Timothy]

One thing is for sure that he was not a flirt, if he would be he could have never say “I don't want you to get the wrong impression of what is going on here”..It’s good that it gt end soon otherwise it could hurt you more..Dear it was just the start. Don’t feel bad about it.Its a phase.