Question for OW - when you get caught

[ringo]

Ok... I posted on here before that I wanted to find 3 or the 4 OW regarding being tested for STD.... not to yell at them, call them names, kick their butts.... just to worn them... thats all - for their safety and the safety of the others they may sleep with....

 

Well I got ahold of 2 of the OW.... and they DENY ever being with my husband. One denies ever knowing or meeting him at all!!! The other he works with and she just denies everything and calls my H a liar....

 

WHY??? I know they slept with my husband... I don't care at this point. BUT WHY LIE TO ME ABOUT IT?

 

Do these OW honestly think that a husband will go to his wife and tell her he's had an affair, provide details.... and suffer reprocussions for nothing?

 

What are these OW thinking? I'm not bashing them at all. As I've said numerous times - I blame my husband, not them and want to help them with the STD issues. But I'm trying to understand why, if I know the truth do they lie to me?

 

Can you help me understand this please?

[fanou22]

These OWs don't know you and they might be afraid of the course of action that you might take.

None of us know whether the wife will go psycho and try to do something horrible to us. This is why we would deny having the affair.

 

Did you tell them that you are not blaming them, simply you want them to know about the STD? Maybe they know already and don't want to talk about it. What STD is it anyway?

 

You have to remember that these women don't want to open Pandora's box.

Personally, I would never seek MMs wife and tell her about us. I have an STD. MM knows and he is the one taking the risk and exposing her though he says they haven't had sex since we started seeing each other.

Should wife one day seek me for answers, I will confirm the affair but I am not sure how much I would tell her.

 

Hope this answers some of your questions.

[Bourget]

I agree with Fanou. These OW do not know what you will do if told the truth. Even if you tell them that you don't blame them they probably don't believe you anyway. They think you're just telling them this to get them to tell you the truth at which point you would go ballistic and exact revenge immediatley( in their mind maybe physically). Face it, no woman wants to here that about their H and when these women lie to you they are doing it mainly to protect themselves. Afterall, isn't that why we lie?

[kkat]

Question - maybe I missed this in your post - do you or your husband have an STD, or do you know that one of his OW has one?

 

Are you sure that your only interest is in warning them about the possibility of an STD? I would think you'd be angry about the entire situation, and as mis-directed as it is, also angry at these OW. As an OW, I do think the MM bears the responsibility of fidelity, but I can also understand how, realistically, his wife would be angry at me.

 

But more to the point of your question - as to why these women are denying the affair. There are a few reasons, possibly:

 

1. They themselves are married or otherwise involved and want to deny it to anyone, including you, because they have a vested interest in not getting caught or in not confirming that the affair happened.

2. They are still involved with your husband, or hope to be again, and don't want to have you know, thinking that this would bring an end to their thing with your husband. (Note - in my first relationship with my MM, when he left his wife and we lived together, obviously she knew about me. But the second time around, while hanging onto the crumbs of a relationship w/ him - she didn't know, and I knew that if she found out, it would be over between he and I - because I knew in my gut he wouldn't leave his family again.)

3. They really weren't involved with him, and he is lying about the specifics or even about who he had the affair with. This has happened, where the husband admitted having an affair but lied about who it was with for various reasons.

4. As other posters said - these OW may just want to avoid what they fear might be your wrath or reaction. Look, when my MM's wife found out the first time, years ago, she did some slightly scary things. She booked herself at a hotel where he and I were attending a black-tie event and followed me all night asking me to give her back her husband and telling people that her husband was living with me. MM kept asking her to leave, she wouldn't and eventually security asked her to leave. She pulled some other numbers as well throughout the time he and I lived together, eventually threatening suicide repeatedly and telling me it was my fault, until btw she got what she wanted and I moved out. By the way, had I been in her situation, I would have shot he and I, so I'm not judging what she did. But I imagine that many OW are afraid that the wife might try to hurt them in some way.

[littleflowerpot]

i would have to agree with kkat that i would wonder about your REAL reason for contacting me. and like kkat, i have to wonder if that really was your ONLY intent in calling them. it seems a bit weird.

[clipper412]

oh man, me as the other woman wants to tell his fiance!!! i find the courage to one day and then the next i get so scared! would you want to hear from the other woman that she has been having a affair with your fiance?! i don't know what to do

[ringo]

before we had our STD testing... since everything is negative (however we are still waiting on HIV results to come in)... but this was the main reason for contacting these woman. I didn't care if it was me calling them or my H (if we had an STD - I felt an obligation to let all of these people know so they could be tested before an innocent person could become infected. This was the MAIN and really only reason at the time...

 

Now... I don't know if you all have been following "Pedwin" and her story. But she has contacted the OW and found out lies he told the OW, more lies he told his wife - just the converstation was civil and it was able to shed light on a lot of things for the both of them. This is what I would like to have. I know it would be painful, but I need the truth and I don't feel the H would provide this. (But only w/birth mother and not the 3 OW as they were all one-night stands). However, I can go on with my life - never talking to any of these women. It's not that big of an issue for me.

 

I don't know how most people react in my situation. But for me, I don't care to know the details of the sex. I know my H well enough (sexually) that I already know what positions, actions occurred. I don't sit around and compare myself to these woman... kind of hard when you don't know anything about them, what they look like etc. (w/exception to the birth mother, I know her VERY well) - but... I don't know. I've heard of wives stalking the OW and all the bad stuff. I've heard all the fear you express. However, all people are different. For myself, I don't want to bring harm to the OW - the majority 3/4 of them didn't even know he was married, so they didn't know they were doing any wrong. I don't hate them. That just isn't me....

[fanou22]

So what exactly you want to know from the OWs?

 

You already know that they were one night stand. It is not exactly like he had lengthy conversations with them.

 

What is the point of you chatting with the OWs?

[KnottedTummy]

Originally posted by ringo

... but I need the truth and I don't feel the H would provide this.

 

two questions:

 

1. are you and your H trying to salvage your marriage?

 

and if you are, then...

 

2. how can you possibly try and salvage something with a person whom you can't even believe enough to tell you the truth regarding a self-confessed affair?

[liya]

It's not your responsibilities to help "other women", but it is your responsibilities to save your marriage.

 

There are millions of OW out there, how many can you fend off??????????? if your marriage is perfect, why would your husband mess around?

 

take a close look at yourself and your husband, not OW.

[Breathe]

and my heart goes out to you. Honestly, IMO I think that these other woman "fear" you, for some reason. If they admit having an affair to you, they are having to except fault - "they slept w/a MM". Also, if they are married, they risk their own spouse finding out. They could risk their careers, their friends/family knowing. They know their act was shameful - but they don't want others to know what they have done.

 

I understand you need to contact the OW. It took you H nearly a year to come clean about the baby and then you had to dig to find out more stuff in which he later confessed to. Your H never came out and just told you the truth because he felt it was the "right thing to do". So it's natural that you wonder how many others their are, or what is he lying about today that you don't know about, or don't have a stong suspecian about. I see where you are coming from with this, and where you want to go with this.

 

I have also read Pedwin's story - and see why you think this could have an impact of some kind for you. I can't see you contacting all the OW, but the family friend that had his baby - DEFINATELY. This woman knew he was married, she knew you, your children, etc. You said he's been calling her for months, so there is something there that you need to look further into.

 

I know after reading your posts that you are staying with your husband and trying to make things work. I commend you for this. So many people are quick to divorce these days, and it seems like everyone's solution is to "leave the no good bastard". I sense you are a religious woman and your strong beliefs keep you fighting for what you have. Am I right? Still, you have a lot of information you still need to answer your questions. How long will you dig for the truth that he's not willing to fess up? You have to put a limit on what you allow and will not allow yourself or your H to do/not do. This is a very painful process, as you know - just be careful what you wish for.