I'm 21, he's 43

[Disenchantedly Yours]

One of my best friends started dating her boyfriend when she was 21. He was in his 40's and about the same age as her mom.

They are still together and happy, 10 years after.

 

Also, my mom and my dad have 11 years between them and my mom and step dad have 21 years between them. So I really dont think age is that much of an issue... Unless it is to YOU! Don't date someone that much older if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

One of my friends married her ex-husband when she was in her early 20s and he was in his late 40s. They are now divorced and she married a Marine a year younger than herself.

 

My Mom and Dad had a 14 year age gap between them. I personally saw the struggles they had in their relationship because of their age difference. My Mom was in her late 40s- early 50s and wanted to experiences things, my dad in his 60s was getting slower and tired. There were other things as well.

 

My Mom has said to me that she would perfer I marry and date someone cloesr to my own age. Although she loved my Dad very much she knows the troubles that come from an age difference relationship. She experienced them first hand and talked about them with me. While I don't think she would go back and change anything, what she advises me based on her own experience is pretty valuable I think.

 

I am not saying age difference relationships can't work. I just get annoyed when men spefically act like it's a great deal or that it's all kittens and rainbows.

 

Lastly, when I dated older men, I had higher expectations for them to pay and stuff like that. I hope the OP's boyfriend is paying for the majority of things! Otherwise he is getting quite the good deal and she is just getting an older guy.

 

OP, he should be paying for things. He is getting to date you, younger woman that you are, you also should get something out of that deal that's equally shallow.

[VeveCakes]

I just have to chime in in this thread. I will be the voice of support.

 

When I was 21 I met this amazing man. I worked as a promo girl and did a golf tournament where we caddied for groups who bought a round of golf as a donation. Turns out one if the men in my group who was 38 at the time and him and I had an instant connection. I eventually moved to his city for work and we became close friends. We hooked up but there was so much more to us than sex. We have an intense connection. There was definitely grounds for serious relationship potential. I was not there at that point unfortunately. We are still great friends, I'm 29 now and he would be around 45.

 

The biggest concern for me is that you work with this guy, and he is a restaurant guy..

[kiss_andmakeup]

If you are actually physically attracted to him (kinda gross to me TBH but to each their own!) then go for it. Don't worry about what others think. I just wouldn't pursue anything serious or get too emotionally invested in him.

[dasein]

Yes, being mindful ...

 

As I suspected. You, nor anyone else here, will produce any kind of evidence of your and others' claim that young adult women are effectively children from 21-25 because their brain has not finished growing. But what you will do, is try to dodge when you know you are wrong.

 

If 21 year old people are still "children" in need of protection, then they shouldn't be allowed to vote, drink, drive a car, live on their own, have the right to contract, serve in the military, or do any other thing that adults do. That is a preposterous consequence of the fashionable "young adult women are effectively children in need of protection from predatory men" nonsense.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

As I suspected. You, nor anyone else here, will produce any kind of evidence of your and others' claim that young adult women are effectively children from 21-25 because their brain has not finished growing. But what you will do, is try to dodge when you know you are wrong.

 

If 21 year old people are still "children" in need of protection, then they shouldn't be allowed to vote, drink, drive a car, live on their own, have the right to contract, serve in the military, or do any other thing that adults do. That is a preposterous consequence of the fashionable "young adult women are effectively children in need of protection from predatory men" nonsense.

 

Actually, it is true that the brain doesn't fully mature until the early 20s. Even without that knowledge, it's not an equal playing field because the older person has more experience, more tools, more knowledge...... You get the gist.

 

But Dasin, when you have kids and your daughter hits legal age, start introducing her to your middle aged friends. You are totally free to do that!

21 year olds aren't children but they aren't and will never be, even in the most mature of cases, be on the same level as a 40+ year old..or even a 30+ year old.

[dasein]

Actually, it is true that the brain doesn't fully mature until the early 20s. Even without that knowledge, it's not an equal playing field because the older person has more experience, more tools, more knowledge...... You get the gist.

 

Lots of parts and organs in the body keep growing even after adulthood is reached, including the brain. That's not controversial in the least. The argument falls apart, though, when attempts to slyly change the word "grow" to "develop," or "mature" (as you do) lead to a false causal inference between the mere growth of an organ or body part and the quality, function or health of that part in any given individual, especially the maturity level or choices of any particular human being. It's nonsense, but heard more and more recently. If a scan is done that reveals a defect or disease in the brain that impairs cognitive function, sure, protect and stranger danger that particular person, put a chastity belt and burkha on em. No prob.

 

In the OP's case, she has stated that she has lived with men, lived on her own, lived an independent adult life, made adult choices. Yet the orthodoxy wants to tell her she is not an adult, but rather still a child until 25 because... her brain isn't fully functional. Really? How offensive is that? That's what it boils down to, at least where the "growing brain" argument is concerned.

 

But Dasin, when you have kids and your daughter hits legal age, start introducing her to your middle aged friends. You are totally free to do that!

21 year olds aren't children but they aren't and will never be, even in the most mature of cases, be on the same level as a 40+ year old..or even a 30+ year old.

 

I accept that people have different POVs on this topic, but where it becomes annoying is when it becomes a stock mantra and quasi political issue based on bad science and abuse/victimization culture as opposed to sincere advice based on someone's specific situation and what they tell us.

[kaylan]

^And how many times do young women say how mature they feel they are....only to in the future look back on those situations and realize they never really were. Plenty of women here and out in the real world can attest to this fact. I thought I was super mature at 20 when I lived on my own...but at 26 I can say I didnt know a thing about real lif until I was 23.

As I suspected. You, nor anyone else here, will produce any kind of evidence of your and others' claim that young adult women are effectively children from 21-25 because their brain has not finished growing. But what you will do, is try to dodge when you know you are wrong.

 

If 21 year old people are still "children" in need of protection, then they shouldn't be allowed to vote, drink, drive a car, live on their own, have the right to contract, serve in the military, or do any other thing that adults do. That is a preposterous consequence of the fashionable "young adult women are effectively children in need of protection from predatory men" nonsense.

Whos saying they are children?

 

Im saying that their lack of life experience and naivety of young people is often taken advantage of by older people. Especially when it comes to older men thinking with their penises in regards to younger women. Ive been around much older guys when they talk about young women, and most of them dont take the women seriously.

 

I can understand why they dont....but these guys will still get these girls swept up in drama all because he wanted to get laid. All Im doing is warning young girls of the differing dynamic than dating a guy whos their age and more on their level.

 

Stop putting words in my mouth, and stop acting like the things Ive said doesnt happen. You are a man, and you know how we think. Excuse me for looking out for young women who are my friends and family.

[Ross MwcFan]

Why does the fact that her brain is still growing (if that's true) make it wrong for an older man to date her? Is it because you guys think that at 21 women aren't capable of thinking for themselves, and not even capable of making the decision as to whether they want to have sex or not?

 

If this is true, then surely it's wrong for even 21 year old guys or anyone of any age to date 21 year old women?

 

If it's not true and it's all about the older guy being able to take advantage of her because he's more mature, then what about older guys who don't want to take advantage, and will not take advantage, and are genuine and sincere?

 

At the end of the day, a 21 year old is either an adult or a child, they can't be both. People need to make their minds up.

[danny in van]

^And how many times do young women say how mature they feel they are....only to in the future look back on those situations and realize they never really were. Plenty of women here and out in the real world can attest to this fact. I thought I was super mature at 20 when I lived on my own...but at 26 I can say I didnt know a thing about real lif until I was 23.

Whos saying they are children?

 

Im saying that their lack of life experience and naivety of young people is often taken advantage of by older people. Especially when it comes to older men thinking with their penises in regards to younger women. Ive been around much older guys when they talk about young women, and most of them dont take the women seriously.

 

I can understand why they dont....but these guys will still get these girls swept up in drama all because he wanted to get laid. All Im doing is warning young girls of the differing dynamic than dating a guy whos their age and more on their level.

 

Stop putting words in my mouth, and stop acting like the things Ive said doesnt happen. You are a man, and you know how we think. Excuse me for looking out for young women who are my friends and family.

 

The only guys who will say anything, even more than a 43 yr old, to get in the pants of a beautiful girl/ woman is a 20 something!! How do I know? Cuz I was a 20 something. That's a given that their desire for sex is way higher than older guys. So this same girl will have to endure guys in their 20s working 'game' etc to get her in bed. All my buddies would say not necessarily anything, buto def do whatever it took back then to get a girl...

After getting girls and having experience, you become more choosy. So when an older guy picks a girl, it's usually w more thought than when he's younger. Younger guys by definition are running a numbers game cuz it's all so new and they're like a kid in a candy store! It's like 'wow sex!!!' I've been waiting to learn how to do this since I was 13!!!

 

But aside from that i agree that it's not 'practical' for this girl to date so higher in age...but you want what u want regardless whether it's 'right' right?

Guys of all ages do it...It's called charming a woman

[danny in van]

Lemme try this again: all the posters doubting if this guy is 'sincere' in his intentions?? Well ANY guy that tries to get with her has to be put under the same scrutiny ie his 'intentions'. And guys her age want sex really really badly, so their motives will be an issue for her too. Older guys often want one cool girl and a companion...Young guys want lotsa variety if they can get it...cuz they never had it.

Marriage? Well I dunno about this guy. But neither does everyone else here.

[Imported]

As I suspected. You, nor anyone else here, will produce any kind of evidence of your and others' claim that young adult women are effectively children from 21-25 because their brain has not finished growing. But what you will do, is try to dodge when you know you are wrong.

 

If 21 year old people are still "children" in need of protection, then they shouldn't be allowed to vote, drink, drive a car, live on their own, have the right to contract, serve in the military, or do any other thing that adults do. That is a preposterous consequence of the fashionable "young adult women are effectively children in need of protection from predatory men" nonsense.

 

You'd also have to accept that older guys are predators as compared to younger guys. I think a predator is a predator at any age. Married, single whatever.

[danny in van]

You'd also have to accept that older guys are predators as compared to younger guys. I think a predator is a predator at any age. Married, single whatever.

 

Predator? Meaning trying to get a girl in bed? Who has a greater sex drive and wants sex above anything else? A 20 something or 40 something? Who's more likely to have a more relaxed attitude about sex cuz they have experienced it in many ways and forms- 20s or 40s?

 

I went to bed w girls in my 20s that I had no mental interest in just for sex. I don't do the same now...cuz the novelty of just getting sex is diminished.

 

I think that's why the poster sees hope in the older guy...And why a lot of young girls like older guys...cuz they don't have as much of a one track mind as younger guys...I'm speaking from my experience and many many guys I've known and witnessed.

 

But I don't recommend older for her cuz ...like my dad's girlfriend right now 20 yrs his junior, she may end up changing his diapers ,...and be alone when he passes waaay b4 her...

[dasein]

Well ANY guy that tries to get with her has to be put under the same scrutiny ie his 'intentions'. And guys her age want sex really really badly, so their motives will be an issue for her too.

 

The reason they don't acknowledge this is because the victimology politics don't work that way, and that's really what this is about, not any sincere desire to give OP meaningful advice with respect to her specific situation. If a 21 y.o. and a guy are the same age, even though he might be the most abusive, controlling a-hole on the planet, there is no way to say who is victimizing whom as a matter of "predation," it needs to be an age gap where the man is older to fit the dogma/paranoia. If there is an age gap where the man is older though, even in this case where the woman is obviously an adult, it's easy to trot out all the abuse culture myths and bad science no matter how good a guy the OP says she is dealing with, he simply must be a monster, and OP simply must be mistaken.

 

It's interesting, the times in my life when I've dated significantly older women, 10+ year gap, I've been presumed to be victimizing her, the young playboy taking advantage of a single mom. Then when dating a 23 yo. the next month, I'm presumed to be victimizing a child without a functional brain.

 

Funny how the predation and abuse always run to the male side of the scale, no matter which direction the age gap goes, isn't it? Actually it's not funny at all, and too predictable.

[kaylan]

Older guys are more choosy about younger women? Lmao gimme a break. From what Ive seen, many older guys put up with a load of crap and lower their standards just for the taste of young tail.

[danny in van]

Older guys are more choosy about younger women? Lmao gimme a break. From what Ive seen, many older guys put up with a load of crap and lower their standards just for the taste of young tail.

 

 

What you can't know is that these same guys when younger had even worse luck with women in their 20s and put up w even more crap to get the elusive tail back then.

You think older guys want sex more than you?? Well they don't - why? Cuz sex drive goes down w age...and once you've had a lot of something (you too will have had more sex when your 40 than you've had now) you don't crave it as much.

 

Whoever wants something more will do a lot more to get it...simple.

[danny in van]

Older guys are more choosy about younger women? Lmao gimme a break. From what Ive seen, many older guys put up with a load of crap and lower their standards just for the taste of young tail.

 

ps drinking til a girl becomes attractive, waiting til last call hoping to get that girl even tho u wanna go home, going out ALL the time looking for women? All things me & my mates did in the 20s...but def not now. Why cuz life and one's interests expands. the 20s seemed ALL about scoring girls - for me and MOST of guys I've known...and I've always known a lot of people.

 

Most people agree younger guys have much more one track mind - for sex- than when they age. I know cuz I've been your age...but u haven't been my age, so u speculate.

[kaylan]

What you can't know is that these same guys when younger had even worse luck with women in their 20s and put up w even more crap to get the elusive tail back then.

You think older guys want sex more than you?? Well they don't - why? Cuz sex drive goes down w age...and once you've had a lot of something (you too will have had more sex when your 40 than you've had now) you don't crave it as much.

 

Whoever wants something more will do a lot more to get it...simple.

Considering how high my drive is now, and that it dwarfs most guys I know, lower sex drive wont bother me in my 40s. Itll still be high for my age range. And shame, I dont have the same bad luck as many other guys have had at my age.

 

Just because older guys want less sex than me at my young age, doesnt mean they dont chase younger women solely for status and sex. Yes, her status as arm candy sex symbolism. The problem is not the sex though...its the differing power dynamic. Which people keep glossing over in my point.

 

The power dynamic is used to get the sex though.

ps drinking til a girl becomes attractive, waiting til last call hoping to get that girl even tho u wanna go home, going out ALL the time looking for women? All things me & my mates did in the 20s...but def not now. Why cuz life and one's interests expands. the 20s seemed ALL about scoring girls - for me and MOST of guys I've known...and I've always known a lot of people.

 

Most people agree younger guys have much more one track mind - for sex- than when they age. I know cuz I've been your age...but u haven't been my age, so u speculate.

Ive never lowered my standards so much that I had to get drunk or desperately wait for last call to get laid. Sure scoring girls is fun, but Im not gonna be desperate about it.

 

And im sure Ill have more sex when Im 40 than now. Why? Not sex drive, but because Ill be in a committed relationship. Ill have a lot more sex but with less variety of women. People tend to have more sex when in a relationship you know...well at least those of us who dont end up with a lame sexless relationship.

[Imported]

Ive never lowered my standards so much that I had to get drunk or desperately wait for last call to get laid. Sure scoring girls is fun, but Im not gonna be desperate about it.

 

.

 

Did an old guy **** your girlfriend or something?

[EasyHeart]

The problem is not the sex though...its the differing power dynamic. Which people keep glossing over in my point.

 

The power dynamic is used to get the sex though.

What power dynamic? Who is forcing her to date the guy?

[kaylan]

What power dynamic? Who is forcing her to date the guy?

Are you willfully ignoring the difference in power dynamic that age difference presents. Im 26...you think the dynamics of me dating an 18 yr old girl would be the same as dating a 25 year old woman? Id run circles around an 18 yr old....and from hearing older guy talk in real life and in online forums, they bank on the naivety of young women. Women their age have the same life experience and can go toe to toe with them...and some guys dislike that.

Did an old guy **** your girlfriend or something?

Lmao....thatd be hilarious. Older guys cant compete with me. Especially not with the type of women I date...so its never been a problem.

 

I just dont chase immature minded folks hoping they are easy game. Sorry if overhearing or talking to guys have creepy sounded conversations about younger girls has made me suspicious of an older guys motives.

 

But god forbid a male warn a female about these things without being shamed for it. Nevermind that fact that many women can tell her that the warnings are justified because theyve been there before. If you read the thread, youd see I told OP to have casual fun, but be mindful of what we have said.

 

This crap isnt figments of our imagination.

Edited November 8, 2012 by kaylan

[danny in van]

Considering how high my drive is now, and that it dwarfs most guys I know, lower sex drive wont bother me in my 40s. Itll still be high for my age range. And shame, I dont have the same bad luck as many other guys have had at my age.

 

Just because older guys want less sex than me at my young age, doesnt mean they dont chase younger women solely for status and sex. Yes, her status as arm candy sex symbolism. The problem is not the sex though...its the differing power dynamic. Which people keep glossing over in my point.

 

The power dynamic is used to get the sex though.

 

Ive never lowered my standards so much that I had to get drunk or desperately wait for last call to get laid. Sure scoring girls is fun, but Im not gonna be desperate about it.

 

And im sure Ill have more sex when Im 40 than now. Why? Not sex drive, but because Ill be in a committed relationship. Ill have a lot more sex but with less variety of women. People tend to have more sex when in a relationship you know...well at least those of us who dont end up with a lame sexless relationship.

 

well this was not about you, but if it helps u to understand my point, then so be it:

 

So you if you're single at 40 (whether u think you'll be or not is irrelevant and impossible to say...) but if u are then what I meant is at 40 you've had many more total partners than you have now at 20 something. So cuz you have and cuz your drive is lower is 2 huuuge reasons why you're gonna be a cooler, more choosy guy.

At 20 something I wanted to have a black white asians blah blah 3 somethings etc...now that I have I have narrowed down my preferences.

AND I've been validated by women lots now, and thus don't need the validation as I once did.

 

These are reasons why some women like older dudes...(assuming they still are in shape, full hair etc...which is me) Notice they never pick a 25 yr old to play Bond?

[kaylan]

well this was not about you, but if it helps u to understand my point, then so be it:

 

So you if you're single at 40 (whether u think you'll be or not is irrelevant and impossible to say...) but if u are then what I meant is at 40 you've had many more total partners than you have now at 20 something. So cuz you have and cuz your drive is lower is 2 huuuge reasons why you're gonna be a cooler, more choosy guy.

Ive always been choosy. Im not a slave to my penis like most men. Even older guys are slaves to their penises. I see the pedestal they put hot women on(especially young ones). Ive hung out with older guy in real life and talked to them online regarding women. Its insane the crap they deal with just for younger tail. Most arent choosy at all.

 

At 20 something I wanted to have a black white asians blah blah 3 somethings etc...now that I have I have narrowed down my preferences.

AND I've been validated by women lots now, and thus don't need the validation as I once did.

Thats you. Not all men. The single older guys I know still enjoy variety and a good bit of sex. Not to the level of my sex drive...but Im not going to act like the things Ive seen in these people are automatically canceled out based on what you say.

These are reasons why some women like older dudes...(assuming they still are in shape, full hair etc...which is me) Notice they never pick a 25 yr old to play Bond?

Omg....James Bond is a character. Hes not a real...and hes based around male fantasy of being older but still able to save the day and get hot babes. In real life women my age arent swooning over Daniel Craig. Most girls my age would rather have Cristiano Ronaldo or Robert Pattinson. Nevermind the fact that James Bond was created by a dude, and the whole series is controlled by men. The creative direction of the franchise isnt based on what women want...its based on male fantasy. And Ian Flemming created the character as a man in his mid to late 30s...so the actor will never be young...due to the authors creative design.

 

I dont mind if some girls like older dudes. Its really only a small portion of women my age, and older guys have never been able to directly compete with me. I never told OP not to go have fun either. I just told her what to be mindful of.

Edited November 8, 2012 by kaylan

[EasyHeart]

Are you willfully ignoring the difference in power dynamic that age difference presents. Im 26...you think the dynamics of me dating an 18 yr old girl would be the same as dating a 25 year old woman? Id run circles around an 18 yr old....and from hearing older guy talk in real life and in online forums, they bank on the naivety of young women. Women their age have the same life experience and can go toe to toe with them...and some guys dislike that.

How is that a "power dynamic"?

[danny in van]

Are you willfully ignoring the difference in power dynamic that age difference presents. Im 26...you think the dynamics of me dating an 18 yr old girl would be the same as dating a 25 year old woman? Id run circles around an 18 yr old....and from hearing older guy talk in real life and in online forums, they bank on the naivety of young women. Women their age have the same life experience and can go toe to toe with them...and some guys dislike that.

Lmao....thatd be hilarious. Older guys cant compete with me. Especially not with the type of women I date...so its never been a problem.

 

I just dont chase immature minded folks hoping they are easy game. Sorry if overhearing or talking to guys have creepy sounded conversations about younger girls has made me suspicious of an older guys motives.

 

But god forbid a male warn a female about these things without being shamed for it. Nevermind that fact that many women can tell her that the warnings are justified because theyve been there before. If you read the thread, youd see I told OP to have casual fun, but be mindful of what we have said.

 

This crap isnt figments of our imagination.

 

so a guy who was a male model in his 20s, stays in great shape (so he now looks like an older male model) 6'2" blond blue eyes, w a career , lotsa $ and has become worldly due to living around the world can't compete w you?? Sorry, but saying it doesn't make it so...

 

I used to hate older dudes grabbing girls from me when in my 20s...i resented their assertiveness that 20 somethings generally are trying to find. u can fake it (but smart girls can tell) , but real confidence based on not just looks, but what you've accomplished in life only comes once you've accomplished stuff. And no, graduating ain't 'stuff'- cuz it's v common. It's uncommon accomplishments that make genuine (not PUA fake ) confidence...

 

oh the more you've succeeded in charming lotsa beautiful women into bed (again, your # is higher when you're older) , the easier to continue to do so...

[Imported]

Omg....James Bond is a character. Hes not a real...and hes based around male fantasy of being older but still able to save the day and get hot babes. In real life women my age arent swooning over Daniel Craig. Most girls my age would rather have Cristiano Ronaldo or Robert Pattinson. Nevermind the fact that James Bond was created by a dude, and the whole series is controlled by men. The creative direction of the franchise isnt based on what women want...its based on male fantasy.

 

I dont mind if some girls like older dudes. Its really only a small portion of women my age, and older guys have never been able to directly compete with me. I never told OP not to go have fun either. I just told her what to be mindful of.

 

Take yourself, add 20 years, stable career, a home, money to splurge on whatever on a different scale than you have now. Take that you have maintained good health, stayed fit and active, saw and done many things you wanted to do...however, you're still single or divorced. Do you really think you're going to be desperate for "young flesh", have to settle for someone not attractive just for youth? Please.