homesteader Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 First of all, this is my first posting to this forum. I know it's a bit long but hope someone can give me some insight here. My husband(of 6 months) & I had an argument the other night after my son fell asleep(10yo). The argument was bad enough that I felt I needed to remove myself before anything more was said to damage the relationship. I decided to drive to town(b/c it looked as if husband was entrenched and not going to leave to give this a break). I drove 10 minutes to town & sat in the grocery store parking lot. I realized my cell was turned off(usually turn it off around the time DS goes to bed). So when I turned it on there was a message from my husband "you left, I'm leaving. you should come home if you want someone to be here w/ your son". I sent him a text telling him I was coming back & to let me know when he was ready to walk out the door(b/c I didn't want to walk back in and be yelled at again). his text back to me was "i'm gone". Sure enough, when I pulled up his truck was gone & both of the house doors were unlocked. When I texted him that he was irresponsible in leaving his stepson alone at night, doors unlocked, etc. he insisted that he was just next door & when he saw me pull up, he left. I can't confirm this & to me it is irrelevant, he led me to believe initially that he wasn't here(so he could just be covering his a$$). He also insisted that my son isn't his responsibility, that I can't just leave and expect him to stay there with my son. HUH??? Am I off base here? When we decided to get married we talked about the fact that it's not just ME, it's me and my son, we were going to be a family, etc. How is he not responsible to stay with a child if he is the ONLY other person there? He has left before for a cooling off period and I never have. Any thoughts? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author homesteader Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Really? When we got married it was a package deal: my son and I. We talked about this being a family and he disciplines my son and insists on all of us being part of this family and helping the household run smoothly. Yet in this instance he doesn't feel responsible to stay with a child in the house along at night? If all I wanted was a fixture of a man I would have kept him as just a boyfriend forever. What am I missing here? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 OP, you are not wrong for expecting your husband to look out for the safety of your son. He could have easily left as soon as you got back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 What's missing is a legal adoption. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 What's missing is a legal adoption. Disagree, and thats completely ridiculous to say. If I get married again, I would expect my husband to have my sons best interests in mind. No way would I allow a legal adoption.....my sons father is involved in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Technically speaking, the title of your thread is wrong. He didn't adopt your son so he is not the stepfather. He is the man married to your son's mother. Everything else is off the table and your primary responsibility is to your child. You have learned the guy is an a$$ and you left - potentially leaving your son in harm's way. You are at fault. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 When a single parent remarries, it has to be with the complete knowledge and trust of both - that the step parent is able and really wanting to step into that parenting role. Or it just cant happen. Because your marriage is new, and the possibility that this man has no parenting experience of his own and is just now learning....talking about this is going to have be enough but it cannot happen again. You left, for whatever reason. Its not as though you left him with the kid while he was getting ready to go out himself. Whatever the reason , right or wrong on your part...HE LEFT A CHILD IN THE HOUSE ALONE. He is an adult. He may not think its right or fair to him...but sometimes that just doesnt matter. So, you have that mind set to think of. Also, you feel he lied so he would not be held accountable for it..so , theres that. Id be really concerned if an emergency came up, and he for some reason was angry or immature and didnt come through as a parent. I mean, he left the house out of spite. I cant imagine being married to someone I could not trust the life of my child with, no matter the circumstances. Even if Mom left in anger , he knew she was gone, knew there was a child in the house. If he doesnt like it , he can complain about it later. You dont leave. And to those who think it is totally on the mother...please dont marry someone with a child thinking youre not in it to be a parent, just a babysitter. A stranger would not abandon a child that was discovered alone. This guy left his step son. Reason doesnt matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Yes, you always protect your son. But this isn't just a boyfriend. It's a husband. IMO, once he said that to me, that the son is MY problem not his, he'd be locked out of the house for good. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 A stranger would not abandon a child that was discovered alone. This guy left his step son. Reason doesnt matter. Exactly. I would never leave a kid that age alone in the house, regardless of my relationship or lack thereof with anybody in the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author homesteader Posted November 9, 2012 Author Share Posted November 9, 2012 Well, I see that there are basically 2 sides to this. My trust in him has been diminished. He went to stay somewhere else until Sunday while I work this out and figure out what to do. When we married we didn't specifically discuss this particular scenario(doing ALL of the what-if's is impossible). However, we did discuss that our money, lives, family and parenting were a joint venture from that time onward. Granted I'm no saint when it comes to others disciplining my son, it's been a process and we've worked hard to do it together, sometimes it becomes an issue. But he does want equal billing when it comes down to it. How can he want that but not feel responsible to stay with him if I leave? I'm certain he did this out of spite. He very well could have been next door and didn't tell me on purpose just to get my goat. But I don't know that and I'm certain that he didn't think of how it would look in the end. In any disagreement or argument we've ever had I haven't ever left to take a break. He has left a few time and come back within an hour or so. He was angry at me because I just got my purse and left and didn't say anything to him. Technically speaking, the title of your thread is wrong. He didn't adopt your son so he is not the stepfather. He is the man married to your son's mother. Everything else is off the table and your primary responsibility is to your child. You have learned the guy is an a$$ and you left - potentially leaving your son in harm's way.1. a step child is not a child that is adopted, they are the child of the person you marry. 2.Why would everything else be off the table? In talking to friends and other people I've been told over and over that in a marriage your partner has to be the most important thing. Granted, I don't feel exactly that way. It's more like when you have children, you don't love one any more than the other. That's the case here, I love both equally, but differently. I can't put my husband on the back burner because I have a son, how would the marriage ever work? We will talk and if we both can't come to a common ground to this problem, it has to be over. I don't want it to be, but yes, with this, my son does take precedent over my husband, he's a child after all. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 He should have stayed until you got home....but, if he doesn't have kids of his own, don't condemn him too bad..he probably doesn't really know better since you son is 10..it's not like he is 3. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 The real issue here is that you two are acting like enemies. What are you doing to foster real communication, not he said she said? You may as well divorce if you can't treat each other with respect. Link to post Share on other sites
shallow Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 This is ridiculous. I would NEVER leave a baby by himself. Yes, it was definitely a package deal when your husband married you, he took on the responsibility of your son as well. I would be enraged if someone, anyone, left my child by himself! You have every right to be upset. So sorry, mama. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts