Such a Fool

[jennifernyc84]

To my knowledge no. He says no and I've always asserted "how could she not?".

 

And I know. I've felt/feel terrible. And I felt like the most wretched person when he sent the photo. I said she's beautiful, but then promptly deleted the photo and tried to keep my lunch down. It's like I want to be angry at the wife and the baby but it's not them and I'm really angry at him and more so at myself.

 

I've said those exact words only the other day...I'm more angry at myself.

 

Let yourself go thru the emotions, but don't let then consume you.

 

Cry, but then let it go...there's no winning in a situation like this.

 

When it all comes down to it, would you really want to break up a family? Because, its nit just a marriage anymore..now, its a family..

[Owl]

I was terribly afraid of some of the negative comments I might get, but I'm finding everything everyone is saying to be so valuable and helfup and certainly helping me gain the strength to tell him to get going and don't come back.

 

LadyGery & Owl:

I loved everything you both had to say. Right on point as was SkyWriter earlier. This isn't acceptable to me. I don't want this for myself. I want more from a relationship and a partner. And I definitely did not ever want to find myself pregnant with his baby or anyone else's w/o a partner to be there for me. Please, please don't think that I've not thought about what he's doing to his wife and family. I just didn't have the will power to do anything about it until now.

 

I'm glad you didn't find my post hurtful or offensive...it certainly was only meant to help. Given that you indicate above that what's going on isn't acceptable to you...that means you need to change things.

 

You've made a choice....that's the critical first step that takes most folks the most effort to do.

 

Now, you develop a plan to implement your goal. If your goal is to end the affair (which I think it is), then it's a relatively simple, but not easy, goal to obtain.

 

First...you spell it out clearly to him, unmistakeably and irrefutably. You send him an email, or you call him and you tell him point blank that you are done. Don't apologize, don't go on about how you feel about him or the end of the affair...you tell him that it's done. PERIOD. He's to no longer call you, contact you, or to have anything to do with you going forward. There can be no friendship after that line has been crossed. It's DONE.

 

Spell it out that clearly to him.

 

Then either block his calls/texts/IMs/etc...or change your number and remove his contact info from your phone/etc...

 

Make it so that casual contact is NOT easy. It removes his "avenues of approach" and it shores up your resolve when you feel weak.

 

Make sense so far?

[WritingDiva]

I'm glad you didn't find my post hurtful or offensive...it certainly was only meant to help. Given that you indicate above that what's going on isn't acceptable to you...that means you need to change things.

 

Believe it or not, I'm not easily offended. My feelings might be temporarily hurt, but like I've said, I'm not ignorant enough to not see what role I played in creating this mess. It's time to clean up my side of it.

 

You've made a choice....that's the critical first step that takes most folks the most effort to do.

 

Now, you develop a plan to implement your goal. If your goal is to end the affair (which I think it is), then it's a relatively simple, but not easy, goal to obtain.

 

Yes.

 

First...you spell it out clearly to him, unmistakeably and irrefutably. You send him an email, or you call him and you tell him point blank that you are done. Don't apologize, don't go on about how you feel about him or the end of the affair...you tell him that it's done. PERIOD. He's to no longer call you, contact you, or to have anything to do with you going forward. There can be no friendship after that line has been crossed. It's DONE.

 

I'm so glad you said this. I've been "outlining" the email to him in my head and of course it was going to contain some of the things you suggest not to do.Thats going to be really hard for me to not include; especially since I verbalize my feelings way better when I write.

 

Spell it out that clearly to him.

 

Then either block his calls/texts/IMs/etc...or change your number and remove his contact info from your phone/etc...

 

Make it so that casual contact is NOT easy. It removes his "avenues of approach" and it shores up your resolve when you feel weak.

 

Make sense so far?

 

And yes. Makes sense. I thank you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I guess what surprises me is that you think any of what he has said, all along, about his wife is true. Because if you read the posts here by other OW , former OW, and BS - such as your friend...Its almost always just crazy stuff they make up.

 

This is what I wanted to say. What he says to you about his wife and family has absolutely no place in your head or in your decision making process. Ever. I guarantee you that you're not getting any kind of a picture of what goes on in his family life, so just try to bypass all of that.

[Owl]

And yes. Makes sense. I thank you.

 

It's good that you're leaving out the emotional stuff. Here's the reasons why:

 

1. It doesn't make it easier...for you or for him.

2. It won't change anything to say it...but it will make it harder to let him/it go.

3. It won't have the impact on him that you might hope that it would. (Men process differently than women).

 

Your best bet is to just cut the situation off where it's at, without adding anything to the situation.

 

Once you've done that, you're going to have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of that relationship. Right or not, meant to be or not...it hurts to lose something you've enjoyed and/or hoped for. Don't beat yourself up for hurting about it. But don't let yourself wallow in it either.

 

Take measures to help yourself recover from all of this. Fill your time and energy with something other than him. Take up a new hobby, resume an old one. Hit the gym, take up martial arts...anything that takes both mental and physical effort is great for dealing with stress like this. It leaves you mentally and physically exhausted and unable to focus on other things.

[WritingDiva]

I've sent the email to him. Short. To the point. And I wish I was at home so I could fall apart. But it's probably best that I'm distracted by work. With everyone's feedback on this one post, I did it now and didn't wait until this weekend as originally planned.

 

Thank you all for the kind words. And as I've been encouraged, I think I'll post a couple other times if for no other reason than to get it out of my system and perhaps help with the grieving process.

 

xo- writingdiva

[jennifernyc84]

Owl,

 

I disagree. When things ended with me and Josh on a bad note, i was sick about it. It hurt like hell to have said all those horrible things to him, have so many questions unanswered. Only wheni confronted him and got closure for myself, did i start to feel better.

[Owl]

Owl,

 

I disagree. When things ended with me and Josh on a bad note, i was sick about it. It hurt like hell to have said all those horrible things to him, have so many questions unanswered. Only wheni confronted him and got closure for myself, did i start to feel better.

 

On this we can agree to disagree.

 

From what I've seen/learned/experienced...continuing to share those emotions even through your NC contact doesn't make it easier...it tends to simply prolong the hurt on both sides. Ripping the band-aid off hurts more short term, but less long term.

 

Again...your mileage may vary. We can both offer our viewpoints to the OP and let her choose the right path for her.

[awkward]

A couple of things stuck out for me.

 

Wednesday nights and Sunday days? Was MM's BS at church with her son while MM was being "intimate" with you?

 

He had his first child because it is against his religion to abort? This is why his wife lied to him about being pregnant?

 

Unlikely story. First if you got pregnant, the odds are he would drive you to the abortion clinic. Second, is it against his religion to have an affair? Third, exactly how religious is he and how strong are his convictions? Do you attend church with him on Sundays or Wed. night? Did he stay the night? How long did he spend with you on Sundays and on Wednesday nights?

 

OP, I would bet you $1000 right now, not knowing you or your MM, that the entire story about the BS is baloney. The seperate bedrooms, not having sex, not knowing she was pregnant, even him wanting to leave. You see - he didn't leave, he had sex with his wife, he got her pregnant, and he is at home with her right now.

 

But he will be back on Sunday. Maybe not this one but a Sunday soon. The question is, will you answer the door?

 

Stay strong!

[skywriter]

er

I've sent the email to him. Short. To the point. And I wish I was at home so I could fall apart. But it's probably best that I'm distracted by work. With everyone's feedback on this one post, I did it now and didn't wait until this weekend as originally planned.

 

Thank you all for the kind words. And as I've been encouraged, I think I'll post a couple other times if for no other reason than to get it out of my system and perhaps help with the grieving process.

 

xo- writingdiva

 

(((WritingDiva))) sending you a hug.

 

I write myself emails when I want to say something to him. Since I don't want to break NC, and sometimes I will go back to some of the old emails to compare how I was feeling verses how I'm feeling now.

 

It's encouraging how you can make those changes happen if you make up your mind to.

[awkward]

er

 

(((WritingDiva))) sending you a hug.

 

I write myself emails when I want to say something to him. Since I don't want to break NC, and sometimes I will go back to some of the old emails to compare how I was feeling verses how I'm feeling now.

 

It's encouraging how you can make those changes happen if you make up your mind to.

 

This is very therapeutic. And when you are on the other side of the pain, you'll be glad that you never sent them. I think you are doing great skywriter.

[WritingDiva]

A couple of things stuck out for me.

 

Wednesday nights and Sunday days? Was MM's BS at church with her son while MM was being "intimate" with you?

 

LOL! No...he was Catholic and she practiced Hindi (they are Indian). Another bone of contention in their story.

He had his first child because it is against his religion to abort? This is why his wife lied to him about being pregnant?

 

No. They planned the first one. She said she was worried he would ask her to abort it since she knew he was unhappy. Seemed stupid to me.

 

Unlikely story. First if you got pregnant, the odds are he would drive you to the abortion clinic. Second, is it against his religion to have an affair? Third, exactly how religious is he and how strong are his convictions? Do you attend church with him on Sundays or Wed. night? Did he stay the night? How long did he spend with you on Sundays and on Wednesday nights?

 

The whole saga was too much to type in my original post. But I'm pretty sure Catholics frown upon adultery. Just sayin.

 

OP, I would bet you $1000 right now, not knowing you or your MM, that the entire story about the BS is baloney. The seperate bedrooms, not having sex, not knowing she was pregnant, even him wanting to leave. You see - he didn't leave, he had sex with his wife, he got her pregnant, and he is at home with her right now.

 

I've just gotten the worlds shortest response to my email to him. And it certainly confirms he has no intention of leaving and that he was susprised I stayed as long as I did.

 

But he will be back on Sunday. Maybe not this one but a Sunday soon. The question is, will you answer the door?

 

I think with the help of my bestie and this site, I won't be opening the door. Good Lord... the more questions you all ask, the dumber I'm seeming as I answer them by the things I so blatantly overlooked.

 

Stay strong!

 

Thank you Awkard for your candid questions and words of encouragement.

[WritingDiva]

er

 

(((WritingDiva))) sending you a hug.

 

I write myself emails when I want to say something to him. Since I don't want to break NC, and sometimes I will go back to some of the old emails to compare how I was feeling verses how I'm feeling now.

 

It's encouraging how you can make those changes happen if you make up your mind to.

 

Thank you for the virtual hug. It sounds like you're still working thru your break up and I appreciate the kind words you've offered me.

[pteromom]

Firstly, you have no reason to feel like a fool. Yes, you shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who is married, but you did so with good intentions. As your feelings grew, you assumed his did too. You assumed he wanted the same things you wanted. You went through it with an open heart, only wanting honest love.

 

I agree 100% that all he told you were probably lies. I do not believe he stays in a separate bedroom. I do not believe he ever quit sleeping with his wife. I do not believe she got pregnant on the DL (I think he was an active participant in the choice to get pregnant).

 

I just think he's an excellent liar. Think about it - he'd have to be to keep an affair of this length secret from his wife. There is something she believes he does every Wednesday and Sunday (golf? A poker game? Volunteering at the soup kitchen?). He is able to keep your texts and emails secret. He is able to keep your scent off his clothes and any evidence of your affair from his wife.

 

So why would you believe ANYTHING he's told you. I would move on with the assumption that everything he has ever said to you is a lie. Hell, it's possible he didn't even just have a baby - that he sent you some random baby photo knowing you'd end the affair so he wouldn't have to.

 

The guy is a SNAKE. And you can do much better than a snake. Think about it - if he WERE to leave his wife, and life was beautiful and you two were in love, would you ever be able to watch him walk out the door to a "poker game" without wondering if he was really having an affair?

 

You can do better than this. And if the other perfectly nice available guy didn't inspire you enough to try, he wasn't the right guy for you. There is a guy out there who is passionate, loving, giving, AND available. You'll find him. But not if you waste one more second hanging in the snake pit.

[awkward]

If you weren't hurting so badly so much of what he told you would be laughable to you. Revenge sex with his wife - this takes the cake. I swear these guys are dumb.

 

At least he told you he had sex with his wife. Another OW on here from a couple of years ago told us that her MM's BS got pregnant behind his back. You see, she got invitro from when he made a deposit previously. Like I said, these guys are dumb.

[WritingDiva]

Firstly, you have no reason to feel like a fool. Yes, you shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who is married, but you did so with good intentions. As your feelings grew, you assumed his did too. You assumed he wanted the same things you wanted. You went through it with an open heart, only wanting honest love.

 

I agree 100% that all he told you were probably lies. I do not believe he stays in a separate bedroom. I do not believe he ever quit sleeping with his wife. I do not believe she got pregnant on the DL (I think he was an active participant in the choice to get pregnant).

 

I just think he's an excellent liar. Think about it - he'd have to be to keep an affair of this length secret from his wife. There is something she believes he does every Wednesday and Sunday (golf? A poker game? Volunteering at the soup kitchen?). He is able to keep your texts and emails secret. He is able to keep your scent off his clothes and any evidence of your affair from his wife.

 

So why would you believe ANYTHING he's told you. I would move on with the assumption that everything he has ever said to you is a lie. Hell, it's possible he didn't even just have a baby - that he sent you some random baby photo knowing you'd end the affair so he wouldn't have to.

 

The guy is a SNAKE. And you can do much better than a snake. Think about it - if he WERE to leave his wife, and life was beautiful and you two were in love, would you ever be able to watch him walk out the door to a "poker game" without wondering if he was really having an affair?

 

You can do better than this. And if the other perfectly nice available guy didn't inspire you enough to try, he wasn't the right guy for you. There is a guy out there who is passionate, loving, giving, AND available. You'll find him. But not if you waste one more second hanging in the snake pit.

 

Thank you for what you said. And you know, the more I sit and ponder (b/c really what else am I doing) I wonder how much of it all really was just lies? And then it makes me so angry that I was dumb enough to buy into it. He wrote me back yesterday with a brief blurb and I was like... oh you really aren't leaving. I felt dumb all over again. But I feel a teeny tiny smidgen of relief knowing that it's done and it's his lie to deal with at his home or rather not... and it's mine to start to clean up after and get rid of. Thank you again for much for your response. I've really been overwhelmed by the support and understanding responses.

[WritingDiva]

If you weren't hurting so badly so much of what he told you would be laughable to you. Revenge sex with his wife - this takes the cake. I swear these guys are dumb.

 

At least he told you he had sex with his wife. Another OW on here from a couple of years ago told us that her MM's BS got pregnant behind his back. You see, she got invitro from when he made a deposit previously. Like I said, these guys are dumb.

 

Yes, I hope to laugh about it one day. Well you saw what I wrote as if he thought I would care about revenge sex b/c up until that time I had no reason to not think he wasn't sleeping with her periodically. I remember thinking how odd it was though if he had gone months. I mean when I was married and even when we weren't happy, I would have been on him like white on rice if he wasn't trying to get some from me at least once/month. What the he$$ was she thinking?

[WritingDiva]

Congratulations on taking your power back and now you are on the first steps in stopping the pain and the self doubt, and the feeling foolish.

 

I've had to learn the hard way, that we are not supposed to suffer for love, it's not something that brings us unending pain and it's not something that brings the highest highs followed by the lowest lows. That's not what love is supposed to be.

 

A site that has been beneficial for me and other ow/fow is baggage reclaim. You can find it easily thru your search engine.

 

You will be in some major pain for a while, but it will not kill you and you can go thru it, I think many ow run from that pain but it is a vital part of putting it behind you and healing.

 

I'm 2 years out, don't give 3 ****s about him, haven't for a long long time, but I have had to face my own crap, that got me there and working thru the issues that were already there before him. That part of it is hard, but on the positive side I don't have to be sad or worry because of stress related to him. I can be proud of myself for not engaging in something that hurts another woman. Many, many more positives.

 

Thanks for the site referral. I'll certainly check it out over this weekend. And I'm glad to hear that you're two years MM bull sh$t free has welcomed a new list of positives in your life. Gives me something to work towards and look forward to having.

[Owl]

So, what are you planning on doing to help fill your time and energy now? What friends/family can you use as a support system to help you work through all of this?

[WritingDiva]

So, what are you planning on doing to help fill your time and energy now? What friends/family can you use as a support system to help you work through all of this?

 

Well, I taught two extra dance classes last night. When I'm not working my corporate gig, i teach dance. (Formally classically trained. I have to put that out there or everyone goes straight to stripper. Ha... no ballet.)

 

I had confided in several gf about the situation and they've all been amazingly supportive the past couple of days. They check in with me constantly. I agree that I'm going to need to find ways to occupy my time.

 

Despite having had lots of free time with him, I never took advantage of it b/c I always felt guilty for some reason. So I'm looking forward to finding ways to keep busy.

[Tara247]

WritingDiva, he's a disgusting scumbag. Nothing new about your story. He played you, and he will continue to play you, and continue to play you ad nauseam, until you say no more.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Tara247

[SoleMate]

She totally planned this out.....she's a smart cookie....She got herself pregnant...

 

Part of recovery for you, will be learning to look at concepts and conclusions like the above and identify the fallacies. Affairs typically cause distorted thinking and disrupted judgment and you unfortunately are in that pattern.