After 10 years

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I only posted once before and it was years ago. I've been involved with MM (I'm single now). We started out as friends (we were both attached at the time) and have been best friends for 15years. Me, him, and his wife work together in the same building and suddenly it's too close for comfort although he did buy a house 4 blocks from where my house is.

We've always said we would always be friends first before anything else and somehow I've managed to convince myself the same. For the past 9 years it's been excruciatingly painful at times and blissful other times. When we are together I feel all is great in the world and when we are not, I am really really down.

I've tried to break it off without any luck, I've tried to date other guys (I'm shy by nature so it hasn't been easy) and I compare other guys with him and no one can hold a light to him in my mind.

Recently a few months ago he got very jealous over a guy I had been kind of trying to date and suddenly told me that he needs to break things off with me romantically because (1)he realizes its hurting me and preventing me from finding someone and (2)he realizes he has no right to be jealous so if we stop then he won't (or at least try) be jealous anymore.

He says he loves me but he really has to stop (for me and for him)

 

I have pictures of us and pictures of him and I really want to break the news to his wife. I have jewelry and cards he's given me over the years and some times I want to give everything back to her so that she's not living a lie or living in oblivion.

But I'm afraid of losing his friendship (we were best friends for so long!!) but it eats at me that he can go back to his family and pretend nothing has happened between us except for us being "friends"

But it hurts so much to actually be friends when I want so much more than that.

 

I don't know- I feel like I have no where to turn- it would be easier if he told me to fck off but he refuses to do that (maybe afraid of me turning on him, maybe cuz he still wants/believes we can work past this and remain friends)

 

Some days I feel worse than others. He tells me that him and her are friends and they get along(just no passion).

 

What should I do? Should I break it and make it to the point of no return, or should I slink away or should I just try to "deal with it". I know you guys will crucify me but I don't feel loyalty to her and I go thru bouts of wondering if she knows or refuses to know and wondering how can I let her live her fairy tale life without knowing we were together for 10years.

 

I'm so stuck and I have no one to talk to now cuz for so many years he was and still is my very best friend.

[2sure]

He is right in that you are not going to be able to be in a relationship with anyone else while still involved with him. In any way.

 

Maybe you love him, maybe you value his friendship, maybe you are comfortable with the unhappiness you have had for the last nine years.

 

Other men do not appeal to you simply because you are emotionally unavailable. And they wont. Mr. Perfectly Right could be all over you and you wouldnt recognize him. So, that isnt going to happen for you if you continue.

 

And like it or not, as much as he cares for you...he has told you to move on. Whether you tell his wife or not, even if she throws him out...he has not chosen to have a life with you. And you CAN fall in love and be happy with someone else! It doesnt seem possible I know, but thats because you are emotionally committed to him.

 

And, I think you have to burn that bridge. You have to make it so that he is no longer available to you. I think you know this too. And dont think its strange or weak....burning a bridge means there is no going back no matter what and sometimes thats a Very good thing.

[2sunny]

Be the change you wish to see! Take action for YOUR best interest!

 

Get a new job.

 

Sop seeing him so you can focus your time and energy on someone available.

 

Sell the jewelry!

 

Take your power back - stop handing it all to him!

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I was wrong, I did a search and saw that my first post was 2007, and I had 4 posts. Nothing has changed over the past 5 years, except that it seems to me that his feelings (excitement etc what have you) seemed to have diminished. And I am more stuck than ever.

 

There are some days when I feel certain that it will be better for me in the long run if I break it. It hurts soooo sooo much- then he calls me and all is right again. Except that this time I think he really means it(for us to stop). They recently bought a house 4 blocks from mine. They invested their whole life savings into this place. He says he's doing it for the kids etc but....he's doing it for his FAMILY. And that includes her.

 

Then there are times when I feel like I'm going to be ok if we are just friends- it's been ingrained/brainwashed etc that we can only be "friends" and me not having even his friendship is worse than what it is "now"

 

me him and her all work in the same building- in a relatively small field where everyone know everyone.

 

I wish i was strong enough to just walk away gracefully. And sometimes i think if i broke the news to her- there will be no return and my reputation will be ruined. if it meant having him i wouldnt even care. Then I think to myself if I'm willing to lose ALL (lover AND friendship) then why can't I just keep the friendship part and live with that secret forever...

Can someone please please please tell me what I should do??

[Furious]

Whether people realize it or not, some put a price tag on their heart, available at half price.

 

Your MM is giving you the price you set.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I'm consumed with the thought of breaking the news regardless of consequences. There is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about all the possibilities and all the consequences. I don't know if my mind frame is "vengeance" or if i secretly harbor some hope, or if I just don't know how to move on so I would push him to NC with me and tell me to fck off.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think about it. From the moment I wake up to the minute I fall asleep.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Tell her...though I suspect you won't.

 

If I told her and everything came out.... Will it make me hurt any less???

Help!

[HeartBrokenInNY]

You can't be friends with someone that you are in love with. It just doesn't work and you can't undo it, you can't go back.

 

Fow here......your anger at him and yourself seems to be deflected toward his wife which is a little nuts if you think about it. Your motivation seems to be revenge in telling her. I do think any woman shouldn't have to live her life without knowing the truth nor should any woman have her choices taken away by someone's else lies, however your motivation shouldn't be anger at her. It should be directed where it belongs........your mm and yourself.

 

Why are you pissed off at her, because you think she knows but won't acknowledge it? That's pretty doubtful and if you tell her, you are going to find out just as much she didn't know, and just how pissed off she gets. Essentially you 2 have been doing this right under her nose for 10 years. I'd say her anger is going to be rightly pretty huge. Mine would be.

 

Again, you can't be friends, you need to get away from him, find another job, seek therapy, before you waste another 10 years of your life.

 

 

I don't know if I am directing my anger at her. Maybe I want to direct it at him, but I don't know how to. I know I am just as much to blame but my heart is wrenched all the time and its so painful to think that I'm the Only one suffering. He sure can compartmentalize our relationship but she doesn't even know!! How can she be so "happy" living in a fairy tale marriage and be totally unaware of everything

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Rain, Bent, you both are saying I should tell. Why do you think? I know I'm going around in circles here. It seems to be the story of my life.

[2sunny]

Yes tell her - and tell her with full intent to never ever communicate with him again.

 

That way YOU can take some of your power back and move forward without ever looking back.

 

He will use you! But...YOU ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN! Stop ALLOWING IT!

[awkward]

If you tell her, he won't be a friend to you anymore. Not that he ever was or will be. It might be a blessing in disguise.

 

BUT - be prepared for your world to blow up. You may need to get a new job. In fact, if I was you I would be sending out that resume.

 

A lot of MM's do the friends thing to keep the OW from telling the BS. The dirty POS's that they are.

 

Think long and hard about it because it can't be undone. I do believe that you are going to tell her and you just want validation. Here is your STAMP - go ahead and tell her.

 

Good luck OP.

[Henni]

For what it's worth, I think you should write a letter to his wife/your friend, include any cards or whatever gifts you don't want to sell, and put it somewhere. It will give some closure and prevent you from ruining your life with a knee-jerk reaction. Then, find another job. Figure out where and how you will live when this life you have now is no longer livable. Start now, looking for vacancies. Then, when you've got an escape plan and you're not in danger of becoming broke while your world falls apart and you've no way to change it, send the letter, and walk away. 10 years. 10 years. My God....

[Ladydrib]

 

What should I do? Should I break it and make it to the point of no return, or should I slink away or should I just try to "deal with it". I know you guys will crucify me but I don't feel loyalty to her and I go thru bouts of wondering if she knows or refuses to know and wondering how can I let her live her fairy tale life without knowing we were together for 10years.

 

I'm so stuck and I have no one to talk to now cuz for so many years he was and still is my very best friend.

 

I say do anything you need to do to destroy your relationship with him. Your life is wasting away, and you know it. That's why you feel traped. You won't get another chance at life. You haven't been able to fall in love with anyone else because although you may have dated other people, you have never completely ended things with this man who is stealing your life from you.

 

If this has been going on for 10 years, chances are you've tried a lot of things to either get him to leave for you or for you to let go of him. Whatever you've tried has not worked because guess what? Nothing has changed. You cannot make him do anything and he has no incentive to change anything. Obviously he likes it exactly as it is. So you need to take action. You need to put up a wall and not look back. If you cannot do that on your own will power and with your own drive to have a happy life, yes if you feel you cab only accomplish your goal through extreme measures, what do you have to lose? Tell his wife. And you know what? Maybe she would even want to know. And you know what else? He probably will hate you for it. But who cares if he hates you? You cannot live your life with this man in it. He stands between you and your happiness. You need to sever the tie in some way or another.

[veryhappy]

Would you put a best friend through 9 years of torture? Now he wants to upgrade to a younger OW and altruistically decided to leave you alone.

 

Can you afford therapy? That would be great support to end it if you decide to follow through.

 

The friendship is destroyed. Accept that. When you do, determine if you'd had enough (and you'll know deep inside when it's just enough). Then it's just pain...pain of doing something that you don't want to do, sever a bond that doesn't want to be severed.

[Artie Lang]

you've just wasted 10 years of your life on someone who's unobtainable. how's that for reality.

 

you pretty much summed it up by saying this MM has ruined you for other potential suitors.

 

furthermore, it seems you're out to expose him in order to see if his wife leaves him and you end up with him.

 

my $0.02

[Survivor12]

Just my humble opinion, but considering the fact that you weren't concerned about his wife knowing the truth for 10 years, telling her now sounds like your motive is less than altruistic. If you are completely honest with yourself, I believe that you will realize that your real reason(s) is revenge &/or in hope that she will toss him and you can have him for yourself.

 

While I have never been either an OW nor a BS, I know many people who have and in several cases, the BS chooses to be in denial either because if they were confronted, they would be forced to end the marriage to save face or because they fear that once the cat is out of the bag, their spouse would leave. I actually know one situation in which the wife has known of her husband's 20+ year affair but is content and happy with their marriage as it is. In fact, she does not want the affair to end. (I don't get it, but, hey, it's her life). My point is that, unlike many people here, I don't support the OW telling the wife about an affair unless asked.

 

My advice is to at least wait until you have had time to move past the affair befo you make the decision to tell. You've waited 10 years so there's no reason to rush.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Like I say, at this point I don't know the reason I want to tell is because of revenge or if it's because it will make me be at the point of never looking back.

 

He called me before (in the car) and we got into yet another discussion of him saying "i have to do this we have to stop so you can move on. believe what you want to believe but I'm doing it for you not me"

At this point I think that even if she throws him out, he is not motivated to be romantically involved with me, it seems like. But in reality I might be harboring some little shred of hope that prevents me from moving on....

 

If you were the wife, and this affair is about to end anyway, would you want to know if there was a chance you would never find out?

[HeartBrokenInNY]

My advice is to at least wait until you have had time to move past the affair befo you make the decision to tell. You've waited 10 years so there's no reason to rush.

 

 

Sometimes I feel that if I can move past the affair, then I wouldn't be in this situation...and then I wouldn't tell. I just don't know how to move past it.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

All these OW and the man they are having an affair with thinking these guys are their best friends...what is THAT about? He doesn't think YOU are his best friend...that's what his wife is.

 

Sound like you are willing to wait another 9+ years for him. Go ahead. You know for a fact that he and his wife just sunk a butt load of money into a house...he wouldn't have done that if he was leaving.

 

He isn't leaving and obviously, you are going to hang out and wait and have "hope".

 

I also think you should hurt. Maybe having your life pass you by will wake you up and make you MAKE A DECISION.

 

Either embrace being the OW and only that

or

Walk away - seriously, it isn't THAT hard

 

Sound like you are very needy and need the validation of a man...a man who has used you for 9+ years.

 

We can't make you do anything. You will probably continue on the road you have been on...which is just waiting and hoping. When you look back on the last 9+ years, don't you see that life has passed you buy? Doesn't that PISS YOU OFF that you have been 2nd choice to a guy? Doesn't it PISS YOU OFF that the man you made a priority in your life has only had you as an OPTION?

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep telling me that, and hopefully I can be mad at him. Or mad enough to say fck it and break it off either telling or not telling her. But in truth I know I played a big fault in this too and I really am not mad at him, as much as I sometimes try.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

For what it's worth, I think you should write a letter to his wife/your friend, include any cards or whatever gifts you don't want to sell, and put it somewhere. It will give some closure and prevent you from ruining your life with a knee-jerk reaction. Then, find another job. Figure out where and how you will live when this life you have now is no longer livable. Start now, looking for vacancies. Then, when you've got an escape plan and you're not in danger of becoming broke while your world falls apart and you've no way to change it, send the letter, and walk away. 10 years. 10 years. My God....

 

I cannot get a new job. Not in this economy or my financial status. My job is very good and my career has a great potential to take off in the field I am in...

[Artie Lang]

he's pretty much had his fill of you - 10 years - and is now in damage control mode, for you NOT to spill the beans.

 

BELIEVE IT!!!

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Nyla]

Be the change you wish to see! Take action for YOUR best interest!

 

Get a new job.

 

Sop seeing him so you can focus your time and energy on someone available.

 

Sell the jewelry!

 

Take your power back - stop handing it all to him!

 

I agree. Also, realize that a best friend would not use you as a side dish while he was married.

[ilovedhim]

My advice is to bow out gracefully. Sucks that you live so close to eachother. And I say yes to telling his wife...she basically been living a fantasy and needs to know her husband has been living a double life.. .I mean ten years is a long time to he filled with lies. The second reason is he will absolutely consider it a betrayal and turn his back on you , which is what t you need to start moving passed this.

 

No matter what don't do anything tbat will harm you, your life, career. You only have yourself.

[alexandria35]

Like I say, at this point I don't know the reason I want to tell is because of revenge or if it's because it will make me be at the point of never looking back.

 

He called me before (in the car) and we got into yet another discussion of him saying "i have to do this we have to stop so you can move on. believe what you want to believe but I'm doing it for you not me"

At this point I think that even if she throws him out, he is not motivated to be romantically involved with me, it seems like. But in reality I might be harboring some little shred of hope that prevents me from moving on....

 

If you were the wife, and this affair is about to end anyway, would you want to know if there was a chance you would never find out?

 

That you keep having this conversation with him indicates that you are trying to talk him out of ending the affair. He's not doing it for you. If it was for you then it would have occurred to him to set you free years ago. Maybe he has a new OW or maybe he's just sick of the double life. Stop degrading yourself by trying to hang onto him. Everytime you force him to have this conversation with you, he will respect you less and you will lose even more of your self respect. Let him go. There's no reward in having someone just because you talked them into it or whined so much that they gave in.

 

Look he's just a man okay? He's not the be all and end all of your happiness. I get that you are hurt right now but you will get over it just like everyone gets over losing someone they care about. Stop building it up to the biggest tradgedy the world has ever seen. You can move on and when you do you will be fine. If you want to tell his wife, go ahead and do it. I think almost all betrayed spouses would want to know even if the person telling them was doing it for vindicative purposes.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

how would i tell her? what would you say if you were in my predicament?