After 10 years

[mercy]

The truth.

 

 

Profound, huh?

 

The greatest gift a person can give another. The greatest gift one can give oneself.

[awkward]

After I posted to you I logged off and didn't see your replies. Anyways I was thinking about you and decided to come back.

 

I am all for honesty in these affair situations. Everyone deserves the truth. I think the BS should be told that she is married to a lying cheating snake in the grass who had a relationship with you for 10 years. God he makes me sick.

 

But I am really concerned for you. I think you need to make a counseling appointment ASAP. You are going to need support when the crap hits the fan. And it's going to hit the fan.

 

You work in the same building. You live in the same neighborhood. When this comes out, it's going to effect your entire life. He will be the bad guy but you are going to be all those nasty names that you can think of. You are going to need friends and family. We will be here for you but you will need people in real life.

 

My advice is for you to slow down. Talk with a counselor. Talk with friends and family. Keep posting here. Then when you are emotionally ready to deal with the consequences tell his wife. You can rally up in real life support pretty quickly and get to the anger stage. You need to have your evidence all gathered up because he is going to throw you under the bus and then back it up and do it again.

 

You need to know that no matter what you do, it is over. So please do tell his wife when you are ready, the sooner the better.

 

Do you have any children with him?

[Artie Lang]

she is married to a lying cheating snake in the grass who had a relationship with you for 10 years. God he makes me sick

 

oh, really?

 

you're forgetting that the OP knew he was married, yet still engaged in the affair-- WILLFULLY!

 

 

you're right, though. she's(OP) gonna bear the brunt of venom, as most OW do. not only that, but to have the gall to look at this woman in the face all these years while bangin' her husband: not very endearing-- especially not to your co-workers.

 

expose at your own risk.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Tara247]

Heartbroken, yes, tell the wife. However, if you can't fight, be prepared for a beat down. I mean you've been looking into this woman's face everyday for 10 years while screwing her husband on the side. She's not going to be too happy about that. If you can fight and she touches you, beat the sh*t out of her. But, either way, she should know and the kindest thing you can do is to tell her. Since he's broken up with you, her cheating husband will probably go out and get another AP (that's what cheaters do). If you tell his wife, you may be saving her from an STD in the future.

[skywriter]

Heartbroken, yes, tell the wife. However, if you can't fight, be prepared for a beat down. I mean you've been looking into this woman's face everyday for 10 years while screwing her husband on the side.

 

Heartbroken, that would be the least of my worries. This woman should be suspicious that her husband has been doing something shady after 10 yrs.

 

I tried to inform the BS of what her husband was doing and she turned on me. The MM must of told her something and she evidently believed him.

 

In fact I attempted to tell her more than once, she just wasn't hearing it.

 

I'm in favor of getting out, giving yourself some time to gather your emotions.

 

The only advantage that came from me attempting to inform his W was, it scared the coward away, and it made me a bit better for having tried.

 

You take care of yourself, everyone else is grown and their do whatever anyway.

[canuckprincess]

Whether people realize it or not, some put a price tag on their heart, available at half price.

 

Your MM is giving you the price you set.

 

 

OH my I love this quote.

[canuckprincess]

Like I say, at this point I don't know the reason I want to tell is because of revenge or if it's because it will make me be at the point of never looking back.

 

He called me before (in the car) and we got into yet another discussion of him saying "i have to do this we have to stop so you can move on. believe what you want to believe but I'm doing it for you not me"

At this point I think that even if she throws him out, he is not motivated to be romantically involved with me, it seems like. But in reality I might be harboring some little shred of hope that prevents me from moving on....

 

If you were the wife, and this affair is about to end anyway, would you want to know if there was a chance you would never find out?

 

Tell or don't tell, well if you want him to hate you and break all contact with you then tell. But he will feel betrayed by you, now the upside is you won't have to make the decision he will.

 

Even if you tell, she's not gonna leave him, woman that have been kept in the dark, may like it that way sometimes. He will do and say whatever he has to to keep her. Yes he will then go into damage control mode with her. They will do mc and she'll hysterical bond with him. But she will never ever fully trust him again and eventually the marriage will fall apart because she will start to resent him for causing all this pain. After you tell he may even still wanna keep you on the side. You need to put yourself first. As for posters that say the bs is the best friend,, I disagree cause you don't lie cheat and steal for 10 years from your best friend.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Awkward, no I don't have any children with him or anyone else. So during the holidays or weekends it's just me.

And I do not think that he will stray again. He says its too hard and that he never wants to hurt anyone else like how he (is) hurting me. And I believe him on that, at least. He says he's not avoiding me but trying to give me space and time and that time heals all wounds... I really feel like I lost my best friend.

I somehow wish that I could HATE him but I still can't. And part of me is afraid of the repercussions if I DO hate him which is why maybe subconsciously I am afraid to allow myself to.

We used to talk every day, about everything!!! But the last couple of interactions has left me empty and in pain.... He has not called me as often as he used to, I "think" I am slowly slowly slowwwwwly starting to resent all and become bitter...

 

He says that's he will go to therapy with me if I need to in order to get past this "so that we can become real friends again." i am aware that I need to go alone, but could it be he is concerned about my well being as well as afraid I might blow it? And yet... A part of me wants to hang into him. And feeling that really makes me feel pitiful.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I do have a really good job, a good future in my field of work. And his office is right next door literally to mine. Every time I hear the buzzer of his office it's like a stab in my heart. But I'm so afraid of the consequences of not even having him as a friend to me that I really do feel paralyzed

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Tell or don't tell, well if you want him to hate you and break all contact with you then tell. But he will feel betrayed by you, now the upside is you won't have to make the decision he will.

 

Even if you tell, she's not gonna leave him, woman that have been kept in the dark, may like it that way sometimes. He will do and say whatever he has to to keep her. Yes he will then go into damage control mode with her. They will do mc and she'll hysterical bond with him. But she will never ever fully trust him again and eventually the marriage will fall apart because she will start to resent him for causing all this pain. After you tell he may even still wanna keep you on the side. You need to put yourself first. As for posters that say the bs is the best friend,, I disagree cause you don't lie cheat and steal for 10 years from your best friend.

 

No he says that I am/was (whatever) his best friend but there are things he doesn't tell me because he knows it will hurt me hearing it (family) and that's what keeps him grounded and pulls him back to reality. He "probably" doesn't tell her everything either (duh) cuz he can keep everything neatly compartmentalized...

[HeartBrokenInNY]

He says there's no reason why I can't get past this because we have always said that it will have to come to an end one day (which we did say) and that he has never lied to me and always have been truthful that he will be we leave them- unless she left him first (this was many years ago..)

 

And that he says we can still go out to dinner and he will still come by and have a beer with me or whatever as long as I can get past this... and he can tell by my eyes that I'm hurting when I see him and he doesn't know how to act around me anymore...

[skywriter]

I hope you don't, take him up on, the coming by, for a beer offer.

 

I mean, you could be the acception to the rule, but, that is just cruel for

him to continue coming around when you are trying to end it.

 

I was involved with a married man for nearly six yrs. You were almost twice as long as I was. It has been difficult for me putting this A behind me, but in these six months I have improved and am putting it behind me.

 

From my own experience, it's unrealistic to believe that you will ever heal or move on if he keeps coming around. This doesn't imply that you have to have a back break up either.

 

I have to ask, who breaks up and then has their ex over for a beer?

[canuckprincess]

No he says that I am/was (whatever) his best friend but there are things he doesn't tell me because he knows it will hurt me hearing it (family) and that's what keeps him grounded and pulls him back to reality. He "probably" doesn't tell her everything either (duh) cuz he can keep everything neatly compartmentalized...

 

Dam girl we have very simular stuff going on, I know my friends and family are tired of me talking about it. Do you have a good network of support? If you don't I'd be happy to help you. I can't seem to private message you so I will give you my email addy so we can chat. [email protected], I know what your going through. HUGS

[HeartBrokenInNY]

Dam girl we have very simular stuff going on, I know my friends and family are tired of me talking about it. Do you have a good network of support? If you don't I'd be happy to help you. I can't seem to private message you so I will give you my email addy so we can chat. [email protected], I know what your going through. HUGS

 

The people who know about it are tired of me talking about it... they say either do it or don't do it (tell her or dont tell her and move on) at this point and I feel like they're giving up on me... Because some of my friends are also in the same field, I cannot talk about it with them either.

I don't have anyone else to talk about this to- for 10years I have told all my secrets, fears, worries and hopes to HIM. And now I feel like he's just left me on the dust despite him saying otherwise.

 

He still calls/texts me and depending on my mood or reply will gauge whether he continues the conversation. If he senses that I'm "not right" he will keep it short and polite (whether he's hiding/avoiding or whether he is "giving me space" I don't know anymore)...

 

It hurts hurts hurts hurts to think about them in their new house so close to me and their move is pretty imminent. He has been coming by for the past 4-5years so to accept that this won't happen anymore is just too painful to bear right now and I don't know what to do... I think that I made the move to his boro/city because of him. But now I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it and I'm going to take a HUGE loss if i sell the place because of how the markets are right now.

Today is one of those days where I can tell is going to get real bad for me.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I can't concentrate at work and my hands are almost literally shaking

[HeartBrokenInNY]

I feel like I'm at the breaking point and I really don't want to start crying cuz I'm at work

[Summer Breeze]

Have him over for a beer. Make sure your 6'1" ripped boyfriend is there to greet him and hand him the first beer. When he's ready to leave ask him when you should plan to go to his place because obviously a friend would reciprocate and have you over for a beer with he and the Mrs. I'm sure he'd be happy with all that. After all, it's what friends do.

 

You can see I'm with the others. You can't ski uphill. You will never be friends.

 

As for telling his W. I have no problem with it. Do I have a problem with it even if it's revenge? No I don't think so. Your motivation is irrelevent. No matter why you told her she'd still be hurt by what he did. I would only advise to be prepared for it. Make sure you give her enough proof so he would have a hard time to make you out as a liar or psycho stalker. If he's been in an A for 10 years I'd guess she has practice looking the other way, at least to some degree. So she probably will believe whatever he fills her full of and you'll still be the bad guy. Be ready for the blow back from them both and at work. I'm not worried about what happens to him and I feel sorry for her but he created that mess when he started the A, but I worry about what you'll face if you unleash it.

[canuckprincess]

I feel like I'm at the breaking point and I really don't want to start crying cuz I'm at work

 

 

contact me,

[Artie Lang]

wow, this guy really did a number on you.

 

and he's still keeping you in the loop by acting like he cares about your well-being. he gets to go home to a safe and secure home with a family, while you end up with nothing but heartache.

 

don't you realize what a sick f*ck he really is?!

 

i will never understand why OW would put themselves in this horrible position in the first place. i don't want to sound crass, but it's rather pathetic given that there plenty of available men out there.

 

<<<<scratching my head in amazement>>>>

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[sad puppy]

Tell her. You're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, do it and let the chips fall where they may. Your guy sounds like he's persuading you not to tell "because one day we knew it would end". Right. And it ends like this, tell her.

 

She deserves the truth. You deserve to break free. He deserves nothing.

[silktricks]

If you plan on making no changes in your life, remaining at the same job, living at the same place, then for your own peace of mind, I say don't tell the wife.

 

End the relationship.

 

Get counseling.

 

Take care of yourself. Join a gym. Take up a new hobby. Join a club. Get involved in politics. Do things. Soon you'll find that you are so busy with YOUR life that you will wonder what you ever saw in the guy.

 

But, don't tell his wife. You don't know their situation. You don't know her situation. Leave her life alone. You'll already messed with it for 10 years. Now butt out. Everything is not about you.

[HeartBrokenInNY]

If you plan on making no changes in your life, remaining at the same job, living at the same place, then for your own peace of mind, I say don't tell the wife.

 

End the relationship.

 

Get counseling.

 

Take care of yourself. Join a gym. Take up a new hobby. Join a club. Get involved in politics. Do things. Soon you'll find that you are so busy with YOUR life that you will wonder what you ever saw in the guy.

 

But, don't tell his wife. You don't know their situation. You don't know her situation. Leave her life alone. You'll already messed with it for 10 years. Now butt out. Everything is not about you.

 

 

no, i haven't messed with it for ten years, i feel like it messed with ME for ten years even tho it was partially my fault too. everything is not about me but i really realllllly don't know how i can move on

[Furious]

no, i haven't messed with it for ten years, i feel like it messed with ME for ten years even tho it was partially my fault too. everything is not about me but i really realllllly don't know how i can move on

 

I get the feeling that your MM is pulling away from you, and you're scared it's over between you. Most likely he will continue with his marriage and not suffer any consequences, while you will be utterly devastated and hurting for a long time.

 

Are you thinking if he breaks off with you, you would want him to also suffer, and that is the reason you are seriously considering telling his wife

about your 10 year affair.

 

It seems you're transferring your anger at his wife but it's him you're angry with.

Edited November 10, 2012 by Furious
Correction

[ComingInHot]

You wrote that you, MM &his W all work together or in the same building. As long as you didn't play her by being her friend then by all means inform her.

 

There Will be consequences however if your delivery is humble, apologetic, honest, to the point & Short (as possible). The outcome/backlash will hopefully be less as you are going to her apologetically and w/the truth. Hopefully she will see this and although she will be angry w/you, your kindness will help her to see you for making a HUGE mistake But her husband will take the rage as well (most likely More)*

 

I REALLY hope you didn't hang w/W & her husband at all. That will SUCK for you...*

[HeartBrokenInNY]

No, she tried to "be" friendly a few times for his sake I supposed but I don't think she likes me. Which is fine with me. I was downright rude 2-3 occasions and my loyalty is not really to her. I don't know if I'm angry at her and I know if I was that it's wrong. But it really irks me that she has absolutely no clue this was going on for so long (she might suspect IF she really thought of it, which I doubt).

Yes I am afraid of the repercussion at work (my boss and her boss are friends) but more than that I am afraid of the repercussions it will have on me/him. But I think at this point even I tell, and if she leaves him he won't be with me, it's gotten that bad. So maybe I am doing it for revenge, maybe for my peace of mind (it answers my question will she throw him out), maybe I just want to make it get pushed to the point of no return so that he will cut off all ties with me with no turning back, no hopes of being "friends" (or whatever), no contact. Right now he is still "concerned" whether real or not, and he still calls/texts me every day, tells me he knows I need time to get over it, etc, but that he really does love me and is doing it for ME (so that i can let others in my heart). I know part of this is probably to gauge whether I'm going to go off the deep end and show up on his front steps... And as pathetic as it sounds, it's still "some" sort of contact from him, and I still do look forward to his calls and whatnot.

Why am I doing this to myself. Why can't I just let go.

Some days I feel "ok" like I'm used to not having him anyway, some days I feel like I want to blow this thing up sky high and let EVERYONE feel my pain. I feel abandoned now, that he goes back to his family, and that I never existed in his life the way I saw it in my delusional head. I swear, I never ever ever thought it would come to this. It was always "we would stop when one of us said to" but I always somehow thought that it would be me and that we would move on with this secret never to be let out. But now that it's not the case, I don't feel the same. I don't know what to do.

Edited November 10, 2012 by HeartBrokenInNY