whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 But it really irks me that she has absolutely no clue this was going on for so long (she might suspect IF she really thought of it, which I doubt). All this means is, he's a damn good liar and manipulator to pull this off. And, who knows what he's told her about you - Maybe that you chase him, have a crush on him and he's just being nice to you, as a friend/co worker. It's easier for you to be mad at her and blame her, when in fact the person(s) you should be mad at is yourself and him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 hbiny: Please PLEASE don't hold animocity or anger towards the wife. Whether she knows or not doesn't matter. A. She knows & is fighting for her marriage (gotta respect that) or. B. She doesn't know and is an unknowing victim (how horrible is that) It sounds like you are harboring I'll feelings towards her because you view her as "standing in the way" of what you want or would/could get if she would just graciously step aside. You & MM had an agreement BUT the third party who is a "player" in this game was not consulted making the "deal" invalid. Ten years is a looong time to be under the misconception that someone/thing is yours only to face the realization the he was never yours to begin with. I cannot imagine how painful that is & I feel for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 10, 2012 Author Share Posted November 10, 2012 He's even said he will go to counseling with me if I needed to... Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 why would you want him there.....this is the guy you're trying to get over?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 I do really feel pathetic. And changing jobs is not really an option either. Im just so stuck. There's been times when I'm at work and I just have to get up and leave before my eyes start watering. I don't know how am I ever going to recover from this and be normal again I don't even know what's normal anymore Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 For ten years your "normal" was being the OW & having sex w/MM. Today, your normal is heartbreak & healing What I'm saying is "normal " changes as our lives undergo changes. You will find a new normal again. I promise* 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 For ten years your "normal" was being the OW & having sex w/MM. Today, your normal is heartbreak & healing What I'm saying is "normal " changes as our lives undergo changes. You will find a new normal again. I promise* I dont want my normal to be sad and lonely Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 That would be your choice though... We can't always control what life brings our way (sometimes we can and we have to deal w/our choices/situations). It's what we choose to do w/what life (and the consequences if it's of our own making) brings our way that makes the difference. *Don't do something ABOUT being single, Do something WITH it** While you are doing something WITH being single, you'll find people doing those same things that are single and you have something in common w/to build an honest relationship on... You CAN do this. I believe in you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I dont want my normal to be sad and lonely But what has changed really? The only change I see is he no longer wants sex with you. He still contacts you, still works with you, still lives a few blocks away. From what you wrote I understand you never had an agreement to be together, that he would leave his wife or that you would be exclusive. If you haven't dated and,or put your life on hold for him.. these were your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 But what has changed really? The only change I see is he no longer wants sex with you. He still contacts you, still works with you, still lives a few blocks away. From what you wrote I understand you never had an agreement to be together, that he would leave his wife or that you would be exclusive. If you haven't dated and,or put your life on hold for him.. these were your choices. that is also what he is telling me. he doesn't understand why i feel like my world is caving in on me. he told me he really wants to be there for me, and he still is attracted to me, still loves me, but he has to do this for my own good- because when i started seeing another guy (forcing myself and trying to pull away) he got insanely jealous and he didnt like the feeling and then it hit him that he has no right to feel this way. so if we stopped then he will control these feelings, and he realized that he was the obstacle preventing me from getting what i want. and he said he has never used me, he loves me love each other but there are times when he holds back because he is smacked with reality every night when he goes home. and he said that since he realized this, we can never go back because he sees it so clearly now, and if we went back (like we have over the years) now "knowing" this, then yes, he "would" be using me and he loves me too much to do that intentionally. he has said that if he was just using me, then what reason would he have to stop if it was for sex only. he said he still wants to be friends- good friends- best friends- and i have to work past the romantic feelings. even if i hate him forever he HAS to do this and he's doing it for me. but he also said that i am the one pushing him out because i cant work past it (its true, i couldnt even look at him for the past 2 weeks, it hurt that much). he says we will still go to dinner occasionally, still come by for a beer if i want, still have lunch, but only when he knows and sees from my eyes that i'm romantically over him. and if the "new guy" (there isnt any) doesn't like it, then he will understand. and he's only an offfice away, a phone call away, a text message away he will always be there for me. i've asked him to please tell me to fck off, tell me to get out of his life, and i promise i would go without drama. tell me he used me for ten years, hurt me once slap me in the face and let me move on, yet he refuses to do that and said he won't because he really wants us to be friends and continue caring about each other and that it's not true, and if he said these things then there's no turning back. he said for 15 years we have been great friends and begged me please not to throw the friendship away. told me to take time away from him and think about what he's telling me and it doesnt mean he's abandoning me, but he can't give me what i want and he's also preventing me from finding what i want... i realize that many people do get divorced, he has told me many times if he was miserable he would leave but he's not ecstatically happy, but he's not miserable, but that's just how it is, he has also told me if we had met first he was pretty sure we would have been good together, and if he didnt have kids, he would have probably left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 :eek:Oh stop laying your power at his feet. He isn't the reason you are where you are.....YOU are that reason. YOU are the reason you are "stuck". YOU are the reason YOU are hurting. Why should he tell you something that you have no intention of doing anyway? Why should he do your dirty work for you? YOU won't do his for him(by telling his wife). He could tell you the sky is made of green cheese and at this point his word would be more than enough for you to agree. YOU my dear are right where you want to be because you make enough excuses to stay there. Own it. yes he said he doesn't hate me it's me who wants to hate him. and that if i wanted to hate him he doesnt have to tell me to fck off for me to hate him i can do that on my own. how do you feel that i'm making excuses? i don't understand, i'm just so fcked up right now Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 I dont want my normal to be sad and lonely It won't be forever. It'll just take time to work through and grieve. Like everything else in life, things change and we all adjust. You have no choice but to pick yourself up, work hard to get through this and come out stronger and wiser. I have faith that you can get through this Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 Heart, I took a look at the threads you started here five years ago and I find it interesting that the situation you posted about back then is exactly the same situation you're posting about today. He was trying to end the sex part of the affair 5 years ago because he was jealous of some guy you dated and you were posting then about maybe telling his wife and wondering if you could still be friends and trying to lure him back into the affair. So what makes this time different? Why are you coming unglued over the situation now when it seems like you two do this song and dance somewhat regularly? I'm sure someone has already asked you this but what exactly do want from this guy? He has made it clear time and time again over the years that he has zero intentions of ever leaving his wife for you, but from different things you have posted I get the impression that it has always been your secret hope that he would. If that's the case then it sounds like this has always been a painful relationship for you because you always pined for it to be more. I think he wants someone who is happy to be the OW and who accepts that she will always be the hidden gf who takes a back seat in his life. When you start to push for more of a starring role in his life he feels pressured and tries to carefully back out of the affair by saying he's doing it for you and your own good. Then you try to convince yourself (and him) that you're okay with being the OW and you are fine with having the affair on his terms. Once the affair is back on track and becomes business as usual, you grow dissatisfied again and this whole drama unfolds yet again. If you don't do something to change your life and this situation, then you will be here again in five more years with the same story, then again in 10 years, then 15 years and so on, because this isn't going to end until you make it end. He isn't ever going to leave his wife for you, and you have never been entirely happy with the OW role. Just being friends isn't the answer because you don't really want him as just a friend and you will continously try to restart the affair and either be hurt by his rejection or feel unfulfilled by the affair if it does restart. Take responsibility for your life and happiness and get the hell off this ride to nowhere. It isn't his responsibility to do this for you. Why are demanding that he make your hard decisions? Grow up act like an adult woman. It's going to hurt, there is no way around that. It doesn't matter if you end it today, tomorrow or 10 years from now, there is going to pain for you and you have to accept that. It always hurts to lose someone but your life will go on and you will be fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 I'm sorry heartbroken but bent is right, you have gave this man all the power, and frankly the things you've said here about wanting him to break it off with you because you aren't strong enough, it's pathetic. If you think for one minute that he doesn't know how weak and how powerless you are, you are kidding yourself and don't even pretend that he isn't taking advantage of it. He is........this bs about being friends with you and that he loves you but doesn't want to hurt you, it's F'ing BS! He knows..........that it's hurting you and he doesn't care enough to stop it. Honestly if the man really cared about you, he'd lie and say and he hated you. That way you'd be forced to pick up the pieces of hopefully get your ****e together. He is a selfish arse! He doesn't know what love is.............neither do you after having been in this screwed up relationship for 10 years. Stop f'ing up your life with this worthless man. Again quit your job, move, seek therapy, that is the only way you are going to get away from the madness. 10 years has messed up your head and it's going to take you a while to sort what is real and what is not before you can even start to heal and own your own crap. Don't you have some family that you can go stay with, a long way away from him? Just do it..............cut him off, now. Normally I think the wife ought to know but I think for your sanity, just get the hell away from the both. You have the option at any time in the future to tell her, but seriously you can't handle it now. I swear if I was in a different field I would tell. But it kills me that I can't and I don't know why it never occurred to me before Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Have you tried going no contact with him? How about taking a month or two away from him to figure out what YOU want... it seems like you've been letting him run the show. And I bet the wife already knows. why else would she not want you in her house? So even if you do tell her, most likely she'll stay. I wouldn't trust her not to spread the info around, especially around your workplace. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 This post really breaks my heart. Ten YEARS. No matter how painful it was, I am so thankful I got out when I did. If you want something to change for you, YOU are the only one who can make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts