Question: Are There Any Ow/om Who Admit Fault In The Relationship With Their Mm/mw??

[supermom]

Are there any of OW/OM who admit fault in their relationship with a married partner?

 

I just ask because it seems that the threads that the OW post to, they are always defending themselves and to me, looks like they want the wives to only blame the MM

[morgana]

i completely take responsibility for my part in my relationship and think that in many ways my MM's wife should also accept part of the responsibility/blame. it was his and my fault for getting involved, but she has been pushing him away for years, refusing intimacy and to be a part of his life in general. i did the same to my ex-husband and didn't blame him a bit for what he did. don't get me wrong, i was still pissed that he behaved like an a** during the divorce but i know i pushed him into it. i guess each situation is different and i do think in many cases the blame doesn't fall with just one person.

i think we defend ourselves partly because it's human nature and partly because when you fall in love with someone it's hard to admit that something so good could be so wrong.

[Mr Spock]

Of course no one is faultless in that situation supermom-I think what really happens is that the OW doesn't want the wife deluding herself as to who is MORE at fault here-there have been some pretty venemous posts on the OW forum by wives.

[Anais]

I am not OW, MW, MO or so ...I mean I am married but my Hubby is just mine. But if there would be an other woman in his life I will just kiss her and tell sweety you saved my life and helped me recognize how mistaken I was in my husband. Only husbands fault. Only. Don't want to share love. I want it all. And I want it now. So I couldn't be OW too. Would divorce next day, would leave next day I knew it.

[supermom]

my MM's wife should also accept part of the responsibility/blame. it was his and my fault for getting involved, but she has been pushing him away for years, refusing intimacy and to be a part of his life in general.

 

Morgana, do you know for sure? Do you know her or is it just what your MM told you?

 

IMHO I think the husband is more to blame but I do also blame the OW (or did partly in my situation) because #1, she knew me for years, and knew me before I was married, before I was preg, and did it while I was preg and married. She was like a sister and #2, only thought of the pleasure of her pu$$y (to put it bluntly) and didn't think of me or my unborn child or what it would do to me, as she knew that I was married before and had to deal with alot of heartache from that.

I do not think, in the case that the OW was lied to, that she should be at fault. I would, however, blame her partly if when she found out if she stayed in the "secret" relationship.

 

Every situation IMHO is different, learning about this from Loveshack. I think where I personally get upset is when the OW knows of the marriage and kids, if any and knowingly stays in the relationship just for her own gratification.

 

I just don't understand, and yes, I am bothered. I wish that marriage was taken more seriously. Also, is it true that if your husband/wife commits adultery, that in fact it can be brought up in court for the other spouses' favor? If that is true, which I believe it is, then why do people continue to cheat? Do they think their spouses are pushovers, they are stupid and so low on their self esteem that they would be willing to stay.

 

Also, what I see the common IMO characteristics of the OW who stay in the relationship as #2, is that their self esteem could be so low that they're willing to stay and gobble up the leftovers just to have something? I don't know.

 

Also, do I sound offensive when it comes to these posts? Have I been offensive in responding to any OW posts? Just wondering.

 

Thanks for all and everyone's help in helping me to understand. Also I like the knowledge incase I am in the situation again I wouldn't necessary fly off the handle. I told my H's OW I was going to put her in the hospital. A long long long while later I apologized to her.....partly because of what I have learned here, yes Loveshack.....

 

Thanks

[morgana]

no, i don't know for sure, but i do believe him probably because i've also been on the other side. i've known him for years professionally and everything he said fit with everything he said. and in all the time i've known him, most of which was before we were involved, he never talked about her and when someone would bring her up he'd always get a very sad, distant look on his face.

and yes, i could understand why she would blame me, and i guess she has every right. i entered this relationship knowing he was married but was under the impression, because of what she's (reportedly) been saying for years that she was leaving him when their youngest left for college this summer. so as far as he was concerned and as far as i was concerned, his marriage was over. and i know this is all from what he's told me but as i said, i believe him.

i know when i found out about my ex's "friend" he claimed it had started after we separated, i could have cared less whether that was the truth. i had no desire to lash out at her. i had pushed him away and i knew it. i had never told my MM that until after he told me about his situation so becuase i had caused something very similar to happen i felt no reason not to believe him.

it is sad that more people don't take marriage more seriously. but, i fell in love with him and that i coudn't help. and i'll back off now and let him see where his marriage ends up going. i'd love for him to be with me but there's not much i can do about that except wait. and in spite of the fact that i do believe that people should take their vows more seriously..."for better or for worse" sometimes are only words, it's the actions that make the marriage work or not. life's too short to spend your life with someone who could care less about your successes and failures, the good and the bad... and when relationships hit that point i see no use in staying together just because they're married. i finally got the courage to end my marriage after i faced and beat (knock on wood) breast cancer. i could no longer justify, just because i was married, staying with someone i no longer loved. i deserve better as does he but it takes a long time to get the courage to end something, to deal with the comments and the "shame" that goes with a failed marriage.

i don't pretend to know why people cheat. friends of mine have an open marriage. they are both free to do what they want as long as they tell the other spouse about it. don't know if either have followed through on that agreement but they are still happily married.

[kiababy]

That's good to hear Supermom because in the past you were one of the people I referred to as BASHERS - those who made it impossible for OW to come here and post anything without being put down and 'spit on', by people who know nothing about us or our situations. No one is asking for your acceptance, the OW are trying to support each other whatever decisions we make, good or bad, in a forum that is supposed to be available for us to share freely.

[BettyBoo]

I am not a OW . I have been a wife and my husband did have sex with another woman who was an employee.

 

Who did I blame? Truthfully.....I was angry, hurt, I felt humiliated but BLAME was not an issue at the time.

 

The reality of what happened hit me hard and I realised that I TOO was to blame. Yes, me the wife and for all the wives out there sit up and take stock and stop wagging the fingers.

 

1. I had become too complacent and stopped being vigilant in my relationship. I took him for granted.

 

2. I was selfish.....I was so busy with what I was doing that I took my eye of the ball and left our marriage wide open to be invaded.

 

3. I stopped being his loving partner, lover and friend was too preoccupied with my own career.

4. I was not supportive enought in his new buisness venture.

 

5. YES he was too blame for putting himself in the situation and YES she knew he was married and didn't care.

 

NO I am not blaming me I simply owned my part in creating a relationship that had become such that my husband felt the need to look elsewhere and that my sisters is called - TAKING RESPONSIBILITY. That applies to WIVES, OW and MM - we all have to take responsibility for our part in every problem we find ourselves part of. My husband too had to own his part in creating the problem.

 

But the truth is - it was OUR marriage that was in trouble and it was up to us to sort it out.

 

Truthfully it was a kick up the ass for me and for him to really sit down and take care of 'us' and we did.

 

We had many happy years after that and I was glad that I had the maturity and insight to separate the issues and see the core of the problem. I know too many women who end up bitter and twisted simply because they were too busy blaming others and forgot that they too were part of the problem.

[supermom]

Interesting point Betty Boo, one that I haven't ventured in yet regarding my own situation.

 

Thank God we're over it, because we have a 2yr old to think about.

 

Did the OW leave your husband alone after he ended it?

 

My husband and I never went to marriage counceling, we just got over it all by ourselves. I would like to one day, go for myself just for someone unbiased to talk to..but this site has really helped me to do that anyway.

 

I would like to hear more responses too, from the wives and the OW....

 

Thanks!

[brashgal]

Here is one from a wife. There is no excuse for deliberate infidelity (when both parties know the true marital status of each other). You want to be with someone else? End your current relationship first. I don't care about kids (they get screwed up either way - via divorce or infidelity), I don't care about your financial status - if you can't leave your spouse then don't screw around. Work on your marriage - period.

 

I'll take responsibility for my divorce. I will not take responsibility for my ex's infidelity. And I don't give a rat's ass about the OW other than I hope she is a good enough person to treat my children well and I will not do anything to deliberately hurt her because of my children.

 

What's the use in blaming someone? What's done is done - move on.

[kiababy]

This forum is so much more productive when everyone is owning up to their own actions and not pointing fingers at each other. I've accepted my own actions and even looked into why's of my behaviour. However, since I am still involved in a relationship with my MM, I still need to be able to share my thoughts....and fears. I wish it was always this easy

 

I really appreciated your post Brashgal, I'm divorced with kids too and unfortunately, my ex's new wife is horrible to my sons. I wish you and your family all the best.

[morgana]

i agree, it's nice to hear people owning up to what they've done and brashgirl, i also appreciated your comments.

my ex is getting married next year, they just got engaged, and she's trying to become "mom", suggesting discipline for my kids and such. and because my ex is incapable of thinking on his own, i'm just a little worried. and yes, in a strange way since i pushed him into the possibility of that relationship and asked for the divorce i feel somewhat responsible for what my kids are going through and what they will go through.

hearing everyone's perspective on things, even if it's harsh sometimes is really helpful.

[brashgal]

Well she isn't his new wife yet but they do live together. She treats my younger son quite well and he loves her kids, her kids seem to like him so I try very hard not to say anything negative about the ex or gf.

 

My older son is in his late teens. He knows what happened so he isn't embracing the gf in the same way but he is a diplomat, likes everyone to get along so he does his best to be nice. Since he is in college and working his contact with them is limited.

 

I will never be friends with this woman. All of my interface is with my ex and it is minimal and civil. I doubt we'll ever really be friends either, we're just acquaintances that knew each other for 30 years. What can you do? It certainly did not turn out the way I envisioned but life usually doesn't. I have two great sons as a result so I thank God and I move on.

[supermom]

Why aren't these fathers defending their kids? OR are they?

 

These "new" women in their life, if they love the dad why don't they care about the children? They are from him, I just don't understand.

[morgana]

da*n good question! in my case my ex's fiance is young, pretty and i think has him wrapped around her finger and he'll do anything that she wants. my kids have pretty much confirmed that. don't get me wrong for the most part they like her, most of the time, but as she's transitioning they're starting to see my fears confirmed and seem to want to spend less time with her. she's taking him away from them, it's hard to watch and i know if they have kids it willl just get worse. he's not good at being a dad, he tries, but it doesn't come naturally to him. he didn't even really want kids to begin with. i wanted a third, he refused and now i know he's talking about having more with her. my daughter asked me if i ever dated anyone who was mean to them, would i break off the relationship. no doubt in my mind about that. sad thing is i think the MM i was involved with would have been great with them and for them but guess that will never happen!

[supermom]

This is hard! Especially when it comes to your own kids. I get heartbroken even if a kid pushes down my daughter. People need to grow up! Why would you treat an innocent kid like crap? Shows her mentallity if you ask me!

 

Here's another question for the OW...if you know that your MM has kids, does it change the way you feel about getting out of the relationship, or does it not matter?

 

And if it came down to you starting a real relationship, meaning, the MM has divorced the wife, would you treat the kids differently?

 

Do I just focus too much on the kids point of view?

 

Just wondering as it helps me to understand more.

[morgana]

no you're not focusing too much on the kids. for anyone in any kind of a relationship, if you've got kids they need to be part of the equation.

my MM's kids are 18 and 21 so they're at a different stage than mine, less need for care and they've both just recently left home. i think he and his wife are empty nesting and i think to some extent that prompted his reason for going back, that and his feeling of obligation to try again, and her threats.

i love kids, and would have been happy to have been involved with his. from what he told me they are both wonderful children and i give both he and his wife a lot of credit for that. no matter how much he said about the way she treated him, he was always really clear about the fact that she was a wonderful mother.

if they had been younger kids, i may have felt more inclined to not get involved as deeply and as quickly as i did. i know divorce can be tough on the kids. mine have weathered it pretty well all things considered. no major acting out and neither suffered in school. my MM was convinced that his son would be devastated, i'm not so sure. if there were even half of the screaming matches at their house than he talked to me about he's have to know. and even my guy said that his kids would have had to have been deaf and blind to not notice and was convinced that the fighting was part of the reason his daughter stayed away last summer. which also added to my confusion about why he's trying to work this all out.

it's hard for me to stay objective when i talked to him. i know it's bad to encourage them to get divorced but it's hard not to. one of the last things i said to him was that if he was really going to try to work out his marriage, he had to stop using the "i'm doing it for my kids" or "doing it for my family" as the reason. at the stage he's at i encouraged him to look at it more from a couple stand point. they're alone now, which hadn't been a good thing in the past. who knows, with the kids gone, maybe they'll grow closer again, but i hope for his sake he can either work it out or will have the courage to leave. for him, his kids, his wife and sure for me (although there's no guarantee that he and i wil get back together).

i'm glad you and your husband were able to work through things. one bad thing i discovered about trying so hard to work through things and then not being successful is that you regret not having decided sooner. if i had left when i first intended to back in 1999 i think my life may have been very different by this point. but who knows.....

[kiababy]

My MM and his wife don't have any children - yet. That's the one thing I'm dreading hearing, I don't know why. Not that I would be anything but sweet towards any child/children they have - if I'm still around then.....

 

What makes me angry about my own children being treated like crap by my ex-husband's wife is: she met him after we split up - she knew he had kids and he knew she didn't like them. He went ahead and married her anyway. My kids are not nasty, snot-nosed terrors. My 14 year-old graduated in June with honours. I don't allow MTV in my house so they don't play loud music or talk like gangstas. They're smart, into computers, love the outdoors, love to play sports and are clean and polite. I dress them well and they have to bathe every single day and put on clean clothes every day too.

 

They're not perfect of course, but know how to behave in public. She was 30, never married with no kids when she met him. He treated her like a princess, takes her on all the great vacations I NEVER GOT TO GO ON DURING OUR ENTIRE 9 YEAR MARRIAGE......sorry, I'm angry and bitter at him and I hate her. Wow - I hate to confuse anyone - I sound like I'm the wife and she's the OW!

[morgana]

kiababy - god that sounds so familiar. my ex treats his fiance like a princess too. they haven't gone on any wonderful vacations yet, but i know it's coming. and i know he'll say that i didn't want to go. not true, we could just never decide on a place that we both wanted to go. but she's managed getting him to do things that i never could. and i laugh every time the kids tell me he did something that i had tried in vain to get him to do. he grew up very weathy and is spoiled and not into the simple things in life. or wasn't, but somehow she's managed to get him to go hiking and now supposedly they're going camping. to him roughing it was always something less than a 5 star hotel. so in some ways, more power to her. maybe she's opened some doors that i couldn't but i have to wonder if at some point, when and if they have kids if their relationship will hit the wall like mine did. he needs to be the center of attention so by treating her like a princess he's gets to be the prince. shortly after my son was born i overheard him say to this tiny little infant, "she's mine, i was here first." one of my first indications of trouble and things went downhill from there.

i would have loved the opportunity to get to know my MM's kids and share in their life. but i had always promised myself that after what i'd been through with my ex and his girl that if my MMs wife didn't want me at an event, i wouldn't go and i wouldn't force myself on his kids. regardless of what place i would take in his life they would always be their parents and that is something sacred.

[fanou22]

Originally posted by supermom

This is hard! Especially when it comes to your own kids. I get heartbroken even if a kid pushes down my daughter. People need to grow up! Why would you treat an innocent kid like crap? Shows her mentallity if you ask me!

 

Here's another question for the OW...if you know that your MM has kids, does it change the way you feel about getting out of the relationship, or does it not matter?

 

And if it came down to you starting a real relationship, meaning, the MM has divorced the wife, would you treat the kids differently?

 

Do I just focus too much on the kids point of view?

 

Just wondering as it helps me to understand more.

 

Supermom, at one point I wanted to leave MM because of the newborn they had. But he did not want to let me go so I figured if he does not care about his children why should I. I know this sounds beyond selfishness but I don't have another way to explain it or say it. They will grow up and they may never know about it.

I know one day my relationship with MM will end. I cannot put a date on it but it will. I only hope that MM and I part on good terms.

You don't focus too much on the kids point if view. They are definitely a factor to be considered in an affair.

 

I will confess that I grew up watching my mother cheating on my father and being the OW time and time again. So feel free to ask whatever you wish as far as kids are concerned.

[supermom]

I will confess that I grew up watching my mother cheating on my father and being the OW time and time again. So feel free to ask whatever you wish as far as kids are concerned.

 

Did you ever feel resentment towards your mom, dad, or anyone else involved? Did your parents divorce?

 

I thank God that my husband did his cheating (one time) when I was pregnant. He didn't tell me until this last Feb and our daughter was born Oct 2002. He cheated July of 2002. He said he knows how my temper is and he didn't want to risk losing our daughter, because of course, I would leave him, probably want to kill him and her if I had a miscarriage due to the infidelity (cuz of my anger). It hurt that this secret was kept from me all that time.

 

I will post the link of my story so you all know where I am comming from....

 

~Supermom

[supermom]

This is exactly what brought me here to Loveshack...I'm sure you will also read how my views have changed slightly as well.

 

Let me know what ya'll think!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32729/

 

Thanks,

Supermom

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by supermom

Interesting point Betty Boo, one that I haven't ventured in yet regarding my own situation.

 

Thank God we're over it, because we have a 2yr old to think about.

 

Did the OW leave your husband alone after he ended it?

 

My husband and I never went to marriage counceling, we just got over it all by ourselves. I would like to one day, go for myself just for someone unbiased to talk to..but this site has really helped me to do that anyway.

 

I would like to hear more responses too, from the wives and the OW....

 

Thanks!

 

i'm very glad (and i do mean that) that you have been helped by coming to the site and talking to other people about your situation. don't you think that some OW come here for that very same reason? how would you feel if everytime you came here to vent or ask questions, you were put down and branded a ho?

 

i'm sure i know what you wanted when you started this thread. you wanted to hear how contrite we all are and wanted us to apologize for our wanton ways. for those of us that refused to do that (and why should we? you aren't our MM's wife), you want to call us out for being horrible, nasty monsters that go around wrecking homes and stealing husbands. but that pretty little package wrapped in a bow just isn't very realistic.

 

if this isn't what you intended, i apologize but i tell you that it's what i think. i tell you what, it does no good to assign blame. it helps no one.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by brashgal

Here is one from a wife. There is no excuse for deliberate infidelity (when both parties know the true marital status of each other). You want to be with someone else? End your current relationship first. I don't care about kids (they get screwed up either way - via divorce or infidelity), I don't care about your financial status - if you can't leave your spouse then don't screw around. Work on your marriage - period.

 

I'll take responsibility for my divorce. I will not take responsibility for my ex's infidelity. And I don't give a rat's ass about the OW other than I hope she is a good enough person to treat my children well and I will not do anything to deliberately hurt her because of my children.

 

What's the use in blaming someone? What's done is done - move on.

 

you sound like a very smart woman.

[kiababy]

I had the same experience growing up. My dad had a mistress for years and ended up marrying her. They stayed together for 10 years after that and then they had their own messy divorce. Not because she was the OW - because she was an evil psycho!!!

 

My parents didn't split up because of her, they split up because they hated each other. I wish they had done it sooner instead of making me watch them fight for 14 years.