MM made his decision

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

After saying he was ending it, after saying he was sure he was leaving for the right reasons -- that the marriage wasn't salvageable, not because of the A. After telling her every detail -- including all the I love you's, all the promises made...

 

His W fought for it for all she's worth and woke him up. He showed up on my doorstep yesterday and ended things with us in tears. He waivered some, but in the end he stayed resolute.

 

I'm cried out. Despite all the hope, I think part of me knew this would eventually come. And right now I'm getting all the hurt I deserve for going down this path and falling so hard for someone I had no right to love. The hardest part is feeling like I lost my best friend in the process -- this hole is immense.

 

I hope they can really work it out -- that he will genuinely give it 1000% and be the man to her again that he was to me. Our social circles are so entrenched -- I know it's going to be hell to let him fully go. But I need to. I need to stop being selfish and admit to myself that he's doing the right thing. And I know I can't let myself be the backup plan in case they don't work out.

[canuckprincess]

I'm so sorry your going through this. Can I ask how long you and your mm were together? Don't be suprised once the smoke clears you'll hear from him. She will never trust him again and be kept on a short leach, most likely he will grow to resent her for taking away his best friend and the passion and romance he has gotten use to.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope but I've seen it happen so it is possible.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm so sorry your going through this. Can I ask how long you and your mm were together? Don't be suprised once the smoke clears you'll hear from him. She will never trust him again and be kept on a short leach, most likely he will grow to resent her for taking away his best friend and the passion and romance he has gotten use to.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope but I've seen it happen so it is possible.

 

And an untrustworthy and resentful man who was too weak and pathetic to leave a marriage he claimed to be unhappy in is desirable...how?

 

OP- His wife doesn't have the power to take you away from him..he made this decision himself. It doesn't matter how many crocodile tears he cries for you..he still chose her and NOT you. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

4 months. Wow, that's it? It feels like a lot longer. We found ways to talk daily, often for added up hours, so I guess that makes it feel much more than it really was.

 

He promised me he was going to be strong for once in his life and do this right. But yes, we had tried a few phases of NC and it never stuck, so I can see that risk. I really hope he means it, though. If not, I need to have the backbone to not respond...somehow.

[2sunny]

Why don't you deserve more, better than this man?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

And an untrustworthy and resentful man who was too weak and pathetic to leave a marriage he claimed to be unhappy in is desirable...how?

 

OP- His wife doesn't have the power to take you away from him..he made this decision himself. It doesn't matter how many crocodile tears he cries for you..he still chose her and NOT you. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

 

I really needed to read this. Yes, he was weak. He wanted her to make the decision for him, and I don't think she gave him the response he was expecting. I hope he can find some strength now in this resolution.

[2sunny]

I really needed to read this. Yes, he was weak. He wanted her to make the decision for him, and I don't think she gave him the response he was expecting. I hope he can find some strength now in this resolution.

 

Stop worrying about him!

 

You can only control you!

 

Start doing things differently for your best interest.

 

Know this = he's a liar!

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Why don't you deserve more, better than this man?

 

Something clicked with us the moment we met and just kept growing -- mutual friends even commented about the obvious chemistry when we were in a room together. I guess I've never felt bowled over by someone like I did him.

 

Deep down I know I deserve more, but I'm beating myself up over this choice.

[Henni]

I fear I may be about to face something similar. Lots of people have commented on the chemistry and the way we work together. We do work that well together, it's that simple. I really dread what you are going through now, even though I'm conflicted about the R myself. I've been the one slowing things down. He told his W he wants a D. There are kids. I've never done something like this before. I feel like i'm setting myself up for heartache, reading about yours hits home hard.

 

Having said that, ending any relationship is hard, regardless of if you're the OW or not. I send you a hug.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

A hug back to you, Henni. I hope you don't have heartache coming your way, but it's probably good to know the possibility is very real in situations like these.

[Pierre]

After saying he was ending it, after saying he was sure he was leaving for the right reasons -- that the marriage wasn't salvageable, not because of the A. After telling her every detail -- including all the I love you's, all the promises made...

 

His W fought for it for all she's worth and woke him up. He showed up on my doorstep yesterday and ended things with us in tears. He waivered some, but in the end he stayed resolute.

 

 

 

Betrayed wives are very good at controlling men. After d-day the men have to obey them.

 

But, don't worry. Once the hysterical bonding with the wife is over the MM will get in touch with you to re-start the affair.

[Henni]

 

But, don't worry. Once the hysterical bonding with the wife is over the MM will get in touch with you to re-start the affair.

 

 

Is that being cruel to be kind? Or just being cruel to be cruel?

[Pierre]

Is that being cruel to be kind? Or just being cruel to be cruel?

 

It is the truth.

 

Nothing wrong with the truth.

 

Once the storm passes this man will get in touch again to rekindle the affair.

 

As of now the Mm is under the control of the wife.

 

Why not tell it like it is?

[2sunny]

Something clicked with us the moment we met and just kept growing -- mutual friends even commented about the obvious chemistry when we were in a room together. I guess I've never felt bowled over by someone like I did him.

 

Deep down I know I deserve more, but I'm beating myself up over this choice.

 

So what!

 

You can CLICK with an available man now!

 

Get busy living!

 

Don't give that azzhat one more thought!!!

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

It is the truth.

 

Nothing wrong with the truth.

 

Once the storm passes this man will get in touch again to rekindle the affair.

 

As of now the Mm is under the control of the wife.

 

Why not tell it like it is?

 

I appreciate the truth. But no rekindling, not after this level of backpedal. I set myself for some huge disappointment in believing his last email. Never again.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

2sunny, I appreciate your words. Yes, he needs to get as far out of my mind as possible as fast as possible. I don't think I'm in the right place to click with anyone, available or not, right now. But I look forward to getting there.

Edited November 8, 2012 by OnceMoreWithFeeling

[Henni]

I appreciate the truth. But no rekindling, not after this level of backpedal. I set myself for some huge disappointment in believing his last email. Never again.

 

 

I hope for your sake that's true, it sounds like the only option to maintain self respect.

 

I think I've decided not to sleep with MM again unless he is a free man, i.e. moved out and with D filed. I really need to think about why I ended up in this situation, and how to avoid it in future. I can't afford to lose my self respect, and even though it's early days, and friends I've confided in say 'well, to be fair to him, he has taken steps....', I feel that danger looming. Scary stuff. OMWF - I hope you and I can maintain our self respect and not cave. I have a big heart, he is a good man, but even good men or women don't know themselves well enough to always do the right thing, and big hearts are just easier to kick around, intentionally or not. Deep breath. Lets see how far we can get with just talking. I hope you have some friends you can call over there who will give you a hug for real.

[veryhappy]

On the positive side, you haven't been with him for long. The pain only gets bigger the more time passes.

 

He's not that special. Almost all of them decide to work on the marriage - he will be back for the A so be prepared.

 

it's the relative short time of the A that makes you want his M to work. 4 months in I was feeling the same. I'll trigger some BW here, but I can't wish that to him. I want him to be okay, less the happy M. I'm looking forward to the day when it won't matter either way.

 

Your only concern needs to be staying away from him and getting over him.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

And like clockwork he emails tonight asking for forgiveness and questioning his decision...asking for a chance to finally decide on his own rather than just agreeing to stick around because that's what his W wants. Which is good, I guess. Not enough, but at least there's some integrity in there if it's really true.

 

I feel pretty dang ridiculous right now for wanting to believe that he was more than this. I don't know how much of this is truth. And I still feel smashed to bits. What a tangled web, indeed.

[heartinlove]

Do yourself a favor and tell him he needs to figure this out on his own and contact you only after he's filed for divorce.

 

Coming from the same scenario and reading so many of these stories, you staying with him will only enable his weakness. He sounds like one of the truly confused ones and those scenarios are the most heartbreaking.

 

You probably wont listen and will learn it yourself by experience but you can save yourself so much heartache if you basically just say I love you and call me if and when youre ever free and don't let him engage with you in his confusion. It will just tear your heart up and screw up your life.

 

If hes gonna leave, he's gonna leave, but he will leave quicker without you involved. If he's gonna stay, he's gonna stay and it will be better for you not to be a part of that, and watch your spirit wither in the process.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

An update of sorts: I was out Fri night with mutual friends (MM had declined the invitation a while back because of other plans), and suddenly later in the night he was at our table to join us. We talked privately for a bit -- the ring was off and he said he had had the talk he should have had earlier in the week -- that he was really done. Then we went on with our night as friends, no sneaking off to say goodbye or anything we would have done in the past. I'm at least proud of myself for keeping my guard up with that.

 

We had a longer chat today about everything that meant. His W has been panicking, expecting him to be running off with me (I live in a different city) and leaving her solely with their teenage kids and all the life details. But that's never been an option -- he knows he needs to get his own place and do this the right way now. I threw at him a lot of what I've learned reading on here the past few weeks: That jumping into any kind of relationship would be a disaster and he has to take the time to grieve and address the underlying issues of why this all happened that we've talked about extensively -- hell, I need to address a lot of those issues in myself, too

 

I told him, despite his claims otherwise, that I can't be his soft place to land -- and that continuing to play his counselor is going to drive me over the edge. He said he's worried that we might not wind up together at the end of all this. But you know, that's always a risk with relationships, right? If it's meant to be it will, even if we've hopefully grown into stronger versions of ourselves. But I can't stay involved in this process, especially the level of guilt I'm feeling right now. And I don't want to make it any worse for them than I already have.

 

Realistically, the holidays are coming up. All that time with his family -- I truly wouldn't be surprised if he flipflops again. I would rather move on and not know. We'll see where the chips fall, but yes, I need to be OUT. And I need to keep telling myself that until it really sticks. It's not going to be an easy next few months! But it's necessary.

 

Part of me wants to write his W an apology for my role in all this, but is that appropriate (now, or ever?) or if it would it just make things worse for her to see my name? I know forgiveness is going to be a long road, especially self-forgiveness, but I want to try to get there.

Edited November 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[veryhappy]

Please, please, please stay completely out of it. And I mean full, absolute, hermetic NC. No letters, discussions, emails, pigeons with either of them until he files and moves out.

 

Been there. Wife panicking...a sign of MC and trying to work things out. Most of them do not leave unless the W gives them the blessing, which doesn't happen. All you can do is not be involved.

[JamesM]

After saying he was ending it, after saying he was sure he was leaving for the right reasons -- that the marriage wasn't salvageable, He showed up on my doorstep yesterday and ended things with us in tears. He waivered some, but in the end he stayed resolute.

 

OP- His wife doesn't have the power to take you away from him..he made this decision himself. It doesn't matter how many crocodile tears he cries for you..he still chose her and NOT you. Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.

 

He promised me he was going to be strong for once in his life and do this right. But yes, we had tried a few phases of NC and it never stuck, so I can see that risk. I really hope he means it, though. If not, I need to have the backbone to not respond...somehow.

 

Once the hysterical bonding with the wife is over the MM will get in touch with you to re-start the affair.

 

I appreciate the truth. But no rekindling, not after this level of backpedal. I set myself for some huge disappointment in believing his last email. Never again.

 

And like clockwork he emails tonight asking for forgiveness and questioning his decision...asking for a chance to finally decide on his own rather than just agreeing to stick around because that's what his W wants. Which is good, I guess. Not enough, but at least there's some integrity in there if it's really true.

 

I feel pretty dang ridiculous right now for wanting to believe that he was more than this. I don't know how much of this is truth. And I still feel smashed to bits. What a tangled web, indeed.

 

An update of sorts: -- the ring was off and he said he had had the talk he should have had earlier in the week -- that he was really done. -- he knows he needs to get his own place and do this the right way now.

 

Realistically, the holidays are coming up. All that time with his family -- I truly wouldn't be surprised if he flipflops again. I would rather move on and not know.

 

Part of me wants to write his W an apology for my role in all this, but is that appropriate (now, or ever?) or if it would it just make things worse for her to see my name? I know forgiveness is going to be a long road, especially self-forgiveness, but I want to try to get there.

 

I put together some quotes to highlight what has happened already. This back and forth by him is not over. You are right....as the holidays approach, his family will want him back. His wife will try again to keep him for his kids' sake. And then after it is over, both will have second thoughts.

 

He will be back to see you again. You will have to fight the urge to converse with him "as friends" because the friends bit could easily go back to the affair.

 

The question is...can he actually leave his wife and family? I don't want to give him too much sympathy, but I can understand all of his confusion right now. Whatever his reasons for leaving, he will soon realize that actually leaving is final. I doubt that he will leave. I think he will return to her, and the marriage will go back to the "tangled web" that it was.

 

As for you and him, I wonder why you would want him after all that you have seen and been through. I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, but you have seen who he is and what he does to those he loves. Can you endure that from him in the future?

 

For now you say you will never go back, but can you stay away? Perhaps a reading of this thread periodically may help.

 

As for contacting his wife, she is not interested in hearing an apology. My guess is that you wanting forgiveness doesn't fit into her feelings of revenge for you. While she probably blames you as a way to avoid her own blame in this whole mess, I don't see her as wanting to write you back with a nice forgiveness email in response to one that you might send.

[ComingInHot]

I don't think now is a good for apologies as clearly this mess is Not over yet. I mean what would you apologize for at this moment anyway.

"Sorry I was spreading it for your husband and for participating in the breakup of your marriage and family?" I can't see that going over well at all.

Or...

"Sorry for intruding on your marriage and spreading for your husband but hey you put up a hell of a fight and kudos for winning After you found out?" Ummm that's not much better.

If they DO have children and he leaves for you then what? It's not like you two will ride off into the sunset together. You'll be toting the Wife, sorry exWife, children and all that entails for a looooong time. That to me is, YUCK!

[ThatJustHappened]

I put together some quotes to highlight what has happened already. This back and forth by him is not over. You are right....as the holidays approach, his family will want him back. His wife will try again to keep him for his kids' sake. And then after it is over, both will have second thoughts.

 

He will be back to see you again. You will have to fight the urge to converse with him "as friends" because the friends bit could easily go back to the affair.

 

The question is...can he actually leave his wife and family? I don't want to give him too much sympathy, but I can understand all of his confusion right now. Whatever his reasons for leaving, he will soon realize that actually leaving is final. I doubt that he will leave. I think he will return to her, and the marriage will go back to the "tangled web" that it was.

 

As for you and him, I wonder why you would want him after all that you have seen and been through. I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, but you have seen who he is and what he does to those he loves. Can you endure that from him in the future?

 

For now you say you will never go back, but can you stay away? Perhaps a reading of this thread periodically may help.

 

As for contacting his wife, she is not interested in hearing an apology. My guess is that you wanting forgiveness doesn't fit into her feelings of revenge for you. While she probably blames you as a way to avoid her own blame in this whole mess, I don't see her as wanting to write you back with a nice forgiveness email in response to one that you might send.

 

Wow James, you have a lot of time on your hands.

 

OMWF..seriously..read this post over and over and over again until it penetrates.